Final Crisis Probably Not Final

Is This Not the End? Experts Disagree.

METROPOLIS - Scientists at STAR Labs announced today that the pending "Final Crisis" may not, in fact, be final at all.

"We've found no reason to believe that these 'Crisis' events won't recur on a semi-regular basis," said Dr. Emil Hamilton, noted friend of Superman and all-around smart guy. "Our chaotic math team estimates that by 2009, 2010 at the outside, we'll see another Crisis-level event... though it may not be called that."

"It may in fact be called a Catastrophe, a Major Upheaval or even a 'Whoops! There Goes the Universe,'" added Dr. Kitty Faulkner. "We have our eye on several different vectors from which this next major event might emerge, including deep space, parallel worlds, the Earth's core and the far future. So far, we've been unable to rule out any possibilities of any or all of these causing us massive agita."

"We doubt that it will be a 'dilly of a pickle' or a 'dire predicament,' however," Hamilton said. "Those names are just silly."

Experts in Crisis Management beg to differ about the likelihood of future Crises.

"As far as we're comfortable predicting, this is the big one," said Dan DiDio, noted expert on all matters Crisis-related. "It won't be like your father's Crisis, with red skies and a dead Flash at the end, no sir. We might see lots of really important and not-creatively-moribund superfolk take the fall this time around. We expect lots of excitement, destruction and the (hopefully brief) reign of evil throughout the universe.

"In short, bad times are coming. We can talk future Crises later, okay? Right now, I got my hands full. Death to Jimmy Olsen! All hail Darkseid!"

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Big Bad Wolf Still on Endangered List

NEW YORK CITY - Local authorities today confirmed that the species lupus majorus malificus (aka Big Bad Wolf) remains on the endangered species list.

"We've heard around town that the wolves just aren't making the scene the way they used to," said Animal Control Commissioner Frederick B. Avery. "Used to be you could see whole packs of them at '21' and ritzy joints all over Manhattan. Could be the smoking ban in restaurants is what drove 'em out to the boroughs."

The effects on the ecology of Manhattan nightlife could not be estimated by Avery.

"It's a shame, y'know. These guys try sweet-talkin' the singers and dancers and boom! Blows up in their faces. It ain't easy bein' a wolf in New York," Avery said. "Maybe opening up a new hot club or fancy restaurant will bring 'em out, but I dunno."

Artwork copyright MGM Studios, all rights reserved

Banner: "I Totally Did Not See World War Hulk Ending Like That"

LOCATION CLASSIFIED - In a rare chat with BPD reporters, Bruce Banner today said, "I didn't think the war would end the way it did."

Citing a lack of planning, Banner added that, "My Warbound allies bought into the blood-and-vengeance kick I was on. It was pretty heady, we were all in the big ship talking about how we'd beat down so-and-so... it was kind of a rush, you know? I mean, there I was, burning up over this whole thing-- how the ship they'd exiled me in had blown up, killing my wife Caiera and our unborn kid and hundreds of thousands of people on Sakaar-- and then I find out, late in the game, that the engines were sabotaged by one of my own!

"That was a huge buzzkill."

This secret facility has held Banner since the last battle of World War Hulk, wherein the "Green King" fought it out against the Sentry (arguably the single most powerful hero on Earth). Both fought until they'd used up their reserves of energy; the Sentry's human form was knocked out by Bruce Banner. After learning he had fought for the wrong reasons, and launching a intra-party fight against one of his comrades, all and sundry were then blasted by satellite weaponry positioned by Iron Man.

Banner (having reverted to his human form) was captured, tranquilized, and removed from New York by SHIELD before angry New Yorkers (or beaten-up superheroes) could put him out of the picture for good.

"I don't think I'll be doing the huge me-against-the-world thing again any time soon. WWH proved my point--I'm the toughest guy on the planet, once I get good and angry-- and my reasons for smashing up all those heroes were based on a misunderstanding anyway. Maybe it's just me tranked out of my gourd, but I think that one day we'll probably have a good laugh about it," he said, eyeing the walls of his cell. "Yeah, one day."

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Coming Up! American Hero: Behind the Scenes

You've been watching the contest for months-- now find out some juicy info from the folks behind the scenes at AMERICAN HERO! BPD has interviews on the way with Jonathan (Bugsy) Hive, blogger and living wasp-swarm, and Drummer Boy, lead singer/percussionist of Joker Plague.
It's one of our best and biggest interviews yet-- so stay tuned!

Visit the site-- and read more about the nation's first metahuman reality show here.

UPDATE! BPD has been extraordinarily lucky and scored an interview with JOHN FORTUNE, child of aces Fortunato and Peregrine!

We are thrilled at this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity-- so come back soon and see what John had to say about AMERICAN HERO!

Artwork by Mike S. Miller, copyright Wild Cards Consortium and Tor Books, all rights reserved.

Morticoccus Inoculations Now Available

A Public Health Service Announcement from Your Friends at BPD!

Don't be late--get your Morticoccus inoculation now. Morticoccus (aka the harbinger of the Great Disaster) is a lethal, fast-acting "smart virus" capable of overwhelming even the most resistant organisms. Professor Ray Palmer, most recently of Ivy Town University, has devised a vaccine and administered it to key individuals throughout the 52 Earths, but supplies may be limited.

Symptoms of morticoccus include depletion of super-abilities, fatigue, heavy perspiration, high fever, delirium, coughing, nausea, vertigo (dizziness, not addiction to a DC imprint), sneezing, an unquenchable thirst for sasparilla, and miscellaneous other nasty side-effects. There is no known treatment for full-blown morticoccus.

Do not wait. Contact your local health professional and ask for the Morticoccus inoculation. The life you save may be the planet Earth's. You don't want to end up like this guy.

Brought to you by the Challengers from Beyond and the CDC.

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Professor X Shot, Mortally Injured, Still Missing

SALEM CENTER, N.Y. - Professor Charles Xavier, headmaster and public spokesman of the Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters, as well as the sponsor of several teams of X-Men, has been shot and is in critical condition.

Speaking on behalf of the X-Men, Scott Summers announced, "Professor Xavier is in the intensive care facility of a hospital we choose not to name, for their own protection. His condition is critical but, we hope and pray, not terminal. He was shot by Lucas Bishop, a former teammate, who is now at large. I am taking this opportunity to announce that, with Professor X gone, we are formally disbanding the X-Men entirely."

Summers' announcement came as little surprise to the superhuman community.

"They've shouldered their share of the world's burdens," said Thor, speaking from New Asgard, Oklahoma. "If they choose to set aside their role, I cannot fault them."

"We haven't assessed the significance of this development," said Tony Stark (aka Iron Man), director of SHIELD. "Naturally we would have hoped that the mutant community would choose to register, following passage of the Superhuman Registration Act, but if they are not acting or intending to act as 'superheroes'-- I suppose the point becomes moot."

"Hulk smash! No, just kidding. Seriously, I know what it's like to be hunted and hated," said Bruce Banner, who is currently in an undisclosed location following the devastation of World War Hulk. "Frankly, if I was them, I'd have gotten off this dirtball ages ago. I... oh geez. Okay, maybe not. Leaving Earth doesn't seem to end well."

BPD will continue to provide updates on Professor X's condition.

UPDATE: The X-Men admitted today that they have no idea where their mentor, Charles Xavier, is at this time.

"It's true, we totally lost track of him," said Scott 'Cyclops' Summers, the disbanded team's former leader. "We made up the story about him being in an unnamed hospital. See, in the chaos of seeing Bishop's arm bitten off by Predator X (and him shooting the Professor, too) and having to let Cable run off with a messiah baby, plus realizing I'm not crippled by the loss of... um, that is, I guess we just dropped the ball. I know if the Professor were here, we'd be having a good chuckle about now. Guess I'd be getting a D for handling this little exercise, if we were back in the Danger Room.

"Oh, and we're still disbanded, so stop calling the mansion. Really."

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Skrulls Disavow Blame for Messed Up Marvel Universe

"It Ain't Us," Insist Sneaky Shapeshifting Aliens

NEW YORK CITY - Speaking at the United Nations earlier today, representatives of the fragmented Skrull Empire reassured the media that they are, in fact, not to blame for the "messed up" state of affairs.

"Sure, it's easy to blame the aliens--we're green and have pointy ears, we MUST be the bad guys, right?" said M'Yk K'rree, spokesbeing for the alien delegation. "Come on. You know Iron Man was always kind of a bastard. Did you really think it was us that made him that way? Reed Richards, your Mister Fantastic? Another egghead with a warped vision of the world... not a Skrull."

Mighty Avengers spokesman Spider-Woman said, "We know we've been infiltrated by Skrulls, the only question is how... oh, that is just going too far." She broke off as images of Spider-Woman, her face definitely somewhat Skrullish, flashed on a monitor over her head. "See? They're trying to sow dissent, fear and distrust! Just like... nah, better not go there."

K'rree (whose name, he admitted, is a sore point among Skrulls) added, "This paranoia and chaos is not what we Skrulls are all about. Look, we just want to be like everyone else so much, we change shape to fit in. All we want is to get along. That's not so evil and Machiavellian, is it?"

Authorities have decided to let the Avengers, Fantastic Four and Skrulls work this out to their mutual satisfaction. It is likely that all parties will end up on The People's Court in the near future.

"We believe that's the proper venue for the airing of grievances among you Earth people," K'rree considered. "Jerry Springer was already booked--which was disappointing, because we really wanted to throw chairs at each other."

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Booster and Beetle Reunited with Favorite Writer!

"Blue and Gold" Re-Team with Award-Winning Scribe!

METROPOLIS - Booster Gold and Blue Beetle, past members of the Justice League, were reunited this past week with Keith Giffen, former JLA correspondent and close friend to both. Giffen covered an early "untold tale" of the two heroes, wherein they struggle to join the JLA.

"It was just like old times," Beetle said. "Nobody tells our stories the way Keith does. Man, what I wouldn't give to have him back with us full-time! I'd rather catch a bullet in the head than go with a different reporter."

"The time goes by so fast," mused Gold. "I mean, you blink and it's like we're back in yesteryear. Who can do that without a time bubble? Our old pal Keith, that's who!"

"I'm glad to have this chance to work with the boys again," admitted Giffen, who has gone to work for two prestigious weekly publications in recent years. "We don't get to see each other very much any more. Sometimes, I feel like so much time has gone by, I barely recognize them when I catch a glimpse in a magazine here or there."

Asked if this opens the doors to future articles, Giffen demurred. "I'll never say never, but there's so many things to write about, you know?" he said. "I love those wacky guys--maybe one day we'll have the chance to tell about their biggest adventure--the one nobody but nobody has ever heard before." And with a wink, he disappeared back into the night, looking for stories-- the kind only he can tell.

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Dave Stevens Taken into Clouds by Rocketeer

Artist-creator Dave Stevens, best known for chronicling the adventures of '40s-era hero The Rocketeer, was taken into the clouds by his hero and has not been seen since.

Close friends say Stevens had suffered from a serious health problem in recent years, but that it didn't affect his optimistic, upbeat way of seeing the world.

An artist and illustrator since the mid-1970s, Stevens, 53, enjoyed professional success working on the Tarzan comic strip with Russ Manning. He also worked in comic book illustration for years, before developing a long-lasting friendship with Cliff Secord (aka The Rocketeer), whose adventures Stevens brought to life in a number of publications.

A film was made of The Rocketeer's earliest exploits in 1991 by Disney.

Bugles Planet Daily wishes to extend its condolences to Stevens' family and friends.

Artwork copyright Dave Stevens and Dark Horse Comics, all rights reserved