Gossip interlude: Blue Eyed People Must Register

With the recent discovery that all blue eyed people are mutants, Henry Gyrich was seen at a recent event gleefully chuckling into his cell phone.

Our crack reporter wasn't able to hear everything that was said, but he could make out "...House of M my patookus! There's more muties then ever now!..." and "...start the round up, we'll take them to Camp Hammond first thing in the morning..."

Our snoops want to know, what are you hiding behind those sunglasses Agent Gyrich? The world needs to know

Spider-Man: "BND... WTF??"

NEW YORK CITY - At a midtown press conference today, Spider-Man announced that he's as confused as anyone else about his recent bout of retcontinence.

"I thought there was something wrong a few years ago," the wallcrawler said. "Sort of like an itch you can't scratch, the feeling that something really terrible has happened. I had nightmares of clones, unmasking myself on live TV, fighting against Captain America, even getting married... and now I wake up and I'm living in, uh, forget that part. I mean, what's a guy to do when he doesn't even know what's real from one second to the next?"

Even Spider-Man's most diehard enemies are at a loss.

"Don't blame me!" Mysterio insisted. "Yeah, I know this sounds like classic me-- mess with Spidey's head and laugh my ass off-- but I swear, this is not my doing. Like I need some version of the Avengers breathing down my neck."

"This is another ploy to gain sympathy for that webheaded menace," snarled J. Jonah Jameson, publisher of the Daily Bugle. "Don't fall for it! He's a threat... or a menace... and whatever his story is, we'd be better off if he was telling it from a nice cozy cell in one of those fancy super-prisons."

"Spider-Man is misunderstood," said Captain America, who then added, "Wait, am I still dead? Darn it!"

"I understand Spider-Man's situation very well," said Iron Man. "Who hasn't had their entire existence, er, rewritten a few times? Hell, I could use a backstory rewrite myself about now."

Spider-Man added that, whatever changes seem to be taking place around him, he's still the same friendly neighborhood superhero everyone's known for the past... ambiguous number of years. "Yeah, sometimes I wear red-and-blue, sometimes black-and-white, sometimes I go on berserk vengeance sprees or make bad deals with a supernatural evil I've never encountered before, but I'm the same guy! Honest!"

And with that, he used his mechanical webshooters to take to the skies above New York.

"Parasol Curriculum" Advanced by Local School Board

HACKENSACK, NJ - The Hackensack Board of Education suggested adopting a new "Parasol Curriculum" in order to keep up with other, more progressive educational institutions. This curriculum relies heavily upon identifying metahuman students at an early age, pushing them to develop their abilities as children, and then using these children as weapons for the benefit of society.

"We know these kids are going to put on costumes and get in trouble," said Superintendant Frank Graziano. "We just figure--if they're going to risk their lives anyway, we might as well get some use out of them first." Upon advice from the Board's attorney, Dr. Graziano amended his remarks to "No comment."

The school board specifically noted a mythical "Umbrella Academy" as the reason for instituting a drastic change in the school's lesson plans. Further news as it develops.

Umbrella Academy artwork by Gabriel Ba, copyright Dark Horse Comics, all rights reserved

Void Reveals Armageddon a Prank

NEW YORK - The superheroine Void, most recently associated with the WildCATs, today revealed that the near-future apocalypse dubbed "Armageddon" was her idea of a joke. Showing a future where an invasion of superhumans annihilated humanity and left Earth a smoking ruin was supposedly her way of saying "hi" to her new colleagues in the superhero community.

It backfired spectacularly.

"It took on a life of its own," Void confessed. "I mean, who knew showing six superheroes a vision of some nightmare near-future would cause such an uproar? Jack Hawksmoor has done lots worse, I'm sure of it."

Whatever her motives, Dane of Wetworks, Nemesis of the WildCATS, Maximum Man (most recently of the town of Tranquility), Caitlyn Fairchild of Gen13, John Doran of StormWatch PHD, and Midnighter of the Authority were not amused.

"Good thing she can teleport herself," growled Midnighter, "'cause I'm looking to have a few words with that silver-skinned &$#@*&."

Fairchild cracked her knuckles and said, "That sort of thing just isn't right."

Col. Jackson Dane agreed. "There are lines you don't cross. You think I wanted to see a Night Tribes-overrun Europe? Man, I'll be having nightmares for weeks! And when I have nightmares, my whole team shares 'em, what with me being psychic and all."

"I can't believe you clowns fell for it," laughed Nemesis. "Honest, a superhero plague? Sheesh! I... hey, who are those guys? Oh damn..."

And with that, the assembled heroes scrambled tso grab their weapons and face the arrival of hundreds or thousands of unknown superbeings.

Void claimed to know nothing about this apparently coincidental event.

Void artwork copyright WildStorm/DC Comics, all rights reserved

Happy New Year from BPD!

Hey everyone!
We took some time off, as you can see, but our batteries are recharged and we'll be back to provide all of you with wholesome BPD goodness in 2008.
Hope you're all doing great out there in blogland and will be coming back soon and often to our little corner of the interwebthing.
best,
Your Faithful BPD Regulars

BPD EXPRESS: Fifth Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

The Shanti Virus Cured
Senior Health Correspondent Kat Bittner has uncovered news of a cure for Shanti virus and it's name is Nathan Petrelli. Clinical trials show that exposing infected males to Petrelli results in:

• Pantywaist looks of confusion
  
• Dewy eyes with trembling lower lip
  
• Fierce Guy-Love man hugs and
  
• Complete reversal of all idiotic behavior
  

However, Petrelli has not proven to be an effective treatment for female patients. Quite the opposite. Due to infected women's inability to be 'that damn stupid,' the virus eventually results in their deaths via fiery explosion. (Research suggests blondes have the highest virus-to-explosion ratio.)

If you are a woman with extraordinary abilities and are infected with the Shanti Virus, please contact Monroe Memorial at 1 800 THATS RIGHT THE WOMAN IS SMARTER.

Henchman Go on Strike!
Sick of being reduced to fodder by the "fat cats" and never getting the spoils of victory The Henchmen Of Evildoers Association (HOEA) has gone on strike and asks "'Xactly what's our motivation? When's it go well for us?" but admitted "Yah, when Wonder Bags wraps them legs 'round ya head and squeezes it's nice for about nine seconds. Then ya wake up with Big Fruity as your cellmate. So again, when's it go well for us?"

HOEA intends to stage a walkout and commence negotiations(as a collective bargaining unit) in order to secure hazardous duty pay, retirement and health benefits, coverage of legal costs and royalties on the spoils.

The association, led by Thing 1 and Thing 2 of Cat in the Hat fame, welcomes: stooges, thugs, minions, cheap muscle, adjutants, accountants (criminal experience a plus), assorted flunkies and—the ultimate cannon fodder—red shirt Starfleet ensigns.


Let A Smile Be Your Umbrella but
Put A Helmet On Your Soldier
If You're Gonna Plow Right Through 'Em, You Might As Well Cover Your Horn! Brought to you by Rhino and new! Trojan® Adamantium Tipped Condoms in Magnum.
Now Strong Enough to Do She-Hulk!


Best In Show
Raja, on gigglefest Aliens In America, said "You know, growing up in Pakistan it never made sense to me how, in your religion, Jesus grew up to be so fat. Then I realized this was Santa Claus. I should have known he was too jolly to be a Messiah."

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
Senior Corespondent KAT BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE
Edited by DREW BITTNER

Ask the Question!

Although we have tried our usual channels, we have been unable to establish contact with The Question for the past two weeks. However, an email was left for us in a very unconventional manner by a person who is clearly NOT our regular columnist--yet signs the email "The Question."

An impostor? A fraud? Let's just say that the circumstances are awfully persuasive.

Dear Question,

My Barbie dolls were missing for two days and then suddenly showed up again, all sitting around the table in my dollhouse. I'm glad they came back but they're kind of scary now. They watch me when I go to bed and... and I think they don't like it when I say my prayers.

Are my dolls evil?

signed, Sorta Scared in Gotham

Dear Sorta,

Yes.

Yes, they are.

I recommend soaking them in holy water, if you can get enough (one gallon should do it), or dousing them in gasoline and setting them ablaze if you can't. By all means, ensure their destruction before the next new moon.

Or I will.

The Q

Hey Q!

You ain't been seen in Hub City in a dog's age, man-- where you been? Crime's up, hope is down and the city's circlin' the bowl. Come home, Q, we need ya!

An Old Pal in Hub City

Sorry to hear that, but I'm living in the shadow of the Bat for the foreseeable.

Hub City has lots of problems--but the people living there have to find their own answers. I can't do it for them.

The Q

Question,

The coils of fate are drawing close around you. Two more lessons await and you will be one of us.

A brother in faith

I think you mistake my agenda, "brother." But not for much longer.

The Q

Okay, that was... surreal. Join us next time for another installment of ASK THE QUESTION!, when we hope we'll have our usual mystery man back at the keyboard.

Until then, catch up on the doings of our guest columnist here.

Till next time!

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Wonder Woman's New Toy-Sized Boy?

IVY TOWN - Local reporters were abuzz this past week with the arrival of Wonder Woman to this quiet college town. Was she visiting to enjoy this bastion of academia, or was there more going on than meets the eye?

"She was spending a lot of time with our hometown hero, the Atom," said Mavis Carter, local grocery store manager and gossip. "They seemed close, if you get my meaning. I even heard she made him an offer... what kind of respectable girl does that?"

Speculation that Wonder Woman has found herself a beau has been rife in these parts, after the Atom and Wonder Woman fended off mind-controlled mobs intent on killing the pint-size powerhouse. Nearly done in atop a Ted Grant Grease-Grabbin' Grill (tm), the Atom and Wonder Woman identified a metahuman mind-controller behind these shenanigans. Investigations into the facts behind this event are ongoing.

Asked for a comment, the Atom later said, "Um, I don't know if I can talk about anything we discussed. It's, ah, sort of a big decision and, well, I don't want to rush into anything."

Gossip columnists are going to be busy on this one in days to come!

Artwork by Adam Hughes, copyright DC Comics 2007, all rights reserved

Marc Guggenheim Interview Part Two

Marc Guggenheim was good enough to give us the inside word on a LOT of stuff--so here is part two of Kat Bittner's interview, wherein she discusses his other comic book work, including stuff coming soon!

BPD: Given in your infamous run in the "Vendetta" storyline with Wolverine surviving a ground zero detonation from Nitro not to mention a plane crash and a thousand foot free fall-- you don’t seem to have a problem covering Logan as mega-powerful.

Did you create the last year of the "Resurrection" story as a response criticism of that take?

MG: I don’t write in response to criticism. I think that’s sort of a fool’s errand. As far as people reacting to "Vendetta" that way, they probably won’t like or maybe they will love my next arc on Wolverine where in the first issue Wolverine swallows a bomb.

BPD: You hinted at the end of your run on Blade that we might see some more Blade-centric material from you in the future. Specifically involving Blade’s old partners.

MG: I don’t know if I would call it Blade-centric as more Blade involved. There’s two different projects I’m working on right now where Blade will appear and play a part. I grew very fond of the character in writing him for a year. I still hope to get another bite of the apple with him one day as a regular series for time being I’m taking little hits at him through these other projects (unfortunately attempts to probe deeper provoked finger wagging from Blade’s mother).

BPD: Why did Howard Chaykin change Blade to look less like Wesley Snipes and more like Billy Dee Williams?

MG: I can’t speak to the why of it. He just told me he was going to start playing around with the look and I said okay. He did so slowly and subtly that even though I was informed of that he was going to be doing, I didn’t even fully appreciate it until we flash back to that panel from issue two. Then you can see over the course of a year he really changed his look.

I kind of liked it--it felt very real to me, like in a television show when they rerun the season premiere at the end of the season, and you go "OMG that actor changed his hairstyle!" It was very much like that. It felt like Blade changed his appearance the way we all do, that it happens so slowly that you’re not conscious of it.

BPD: How did being an attorney influence your coverage of Punisher and Law and Order?

MG: In the case of the Punisher story, it's set in a courtroom. It’s all about the Punisher moving through the legal system. I was drawing very heavily on my background as an attorney and on my experience writing in Law and Order.

Except for rare instances where my characters intersect with the legal system, my experiences as an attorney really comes more to bear in terms of my ability to write fast. As an attorney you write a 75 page brief in a night. You learn the hard way to write well and to write fast. In many ways being a lawyer is like being in boot camp for writers.

BPD: You were on Flash for five issues. Do you think Bart will come back?

MG: I do, but in the same way that everyone will come back eventually. I think he ultimately will. It would be great to write him again one day.

BPD: Would it be more in the Impulse/Kid Flash mode or in the more "I’m growing up gotta get serious about life" mode?

MG: I think that commercially it would probably be better and more successful to bring him back as Impulse or Kid Flash, because that seems to be the version of the character that everyone seems really fond of.

Off the top of my head, I think there might be something really interesting in writing a guy who started out as this ne’er-do-well, devil may care kid who dies and comes back to life. How does that experience affect his ability to be impulsive? [We could] explore the real human emotion of that.

The truth is, that’s the tricky part of bringing characters back to life. That’s something that Geoff Jones does extraordinarily well. When he brought Hal Jordan back, he brought back the essence of the character without all the baggage he'd picked up over the years. I think that’s probably the way to go. It’s so hard to speak hypothetically, that’s certainly seems to work the best in terms of what fans are looking for.

BPD: Historically Flash has been one of the more light hearted upbeat characters.
MG: That sort of goes with a character who’s fast. If you’re writing a character who’s fast but they seem to be weighed down by all these emotions, there’s an inherent incongruity there.

BPD: Are you afraid of ever getting caught up in one of those gigantic mega-crossovers? You know, like getting a two sentence summary and they say "Go write this."

MG: I don’t write it. That’s the reality of writing comics these days. The reason why I love writing so much. I look at everything like it’s a challenge, a puzzle to solve that would be an interesting challenge to solve.

Since I’ve been reading comics all my life by the time I broke into as a writer I’ve developed this list of pet peeves as a reader, things that I promised myself I would address or at least avoid in my own writing. One of my pet peeves is when you have the big crossovers and the tie-ins are really trade dress only. That’s what I would really not want to do. If I was faced with "you have to be involved in this crossover," the trick is being involved without sounding out myself. I always approached it as an interesting problem to solve. Also I love writing comics so any problem to solve is a quality problem by definition.

BPD: Any future projects?

MG: I’m working on a TV show right now called Eli Stone, that I’m very involved in and very passionate about. It’s got elements of science fiction. We have more visual effects shots in our pilot than Heroes did, yet it’s not traditional sci-fi. It’s more spiritual, more metaphysical than your traditional science fiction. It’s about a lawyer who may be a modern day prophet. It’s a lot of fun. It’s got comedy and drama and law and musical numbers and visual effects and it’s one of those original pieces that people will absolutely love or absolutely hate. I think they’ll love cause it’s got a lot of heart to it.

BPD: Who’s in the cast?

MG: We have a great cast. They are the reason the show is fun to write because you can’t wait to see the actors deliver these lines. Jonny Lee Miller is our lead; he was in Trainspotting. Natasha Henstridge, Julie Gonzalo from Veronica Mars, Victor Garber from Alias, Loretta Divine, Sam Jaeger from Catch and Release, Tom Amandes from Everwood. There are lots of great people on this show.

BPD: What network is it gonna be on?

MG: ABC. The trailer is up on YouTube and the ABC site.

BPD: Do you have any favorite genre writers?

MG: I’m a big fan of writers who are working in comic books like Brian K. Vaughn. Y the Last Man is my favorite comic book right now.

I like a lot of different forms of SF television and film like Joss Whedon’s Firefly/Serenity. I’ve been really enjoying his comic books lately. He’s an amazing writer. I read his stuff and simultaneously love him and hate him at the simultaneously. There are certain writers I don’t feel in competition with and Joss is definitely one of them.

And course Star Trek and Star Wars. Kind of hard for any male of my generation not to be heavily inspired by it.

BPD would like to thank Marc for his time and courtesy in granting us this terrific interview. Look for Resurrection #1, on sale now, and watch for Eli Stone coming on ABC.