Lawsuit Update:Case To Be Settled In Ring

NEW YORK - J. Jonah Jameson and Spider-Man, also known as Peter Parker, have decided to settle their dispute in a charity boxing match. The match is being organized by Night Thrasher of the New Warriors, who promises that there will be no SHIELD intervention, and Vince McMahon, chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment, who has secured PayPerView rights.

"Jameson will be given pre-selected cybernetic enhancements for the event, giving him an equal footing with the Webslinger. We have a venue picked out and picking up Jameson will be no problem no matter how many guys they got watching him. It should be a good fight," the radical leader posted on his WeTube site.

Though Spider-Man is currently wanted by most authorities, SHIELD Director Tony Stark has decided to suspend Parker's warrant until the match is done. "Well, it is for charity. Which is important. And it would be a good fight." The Director tugged at his tie rather excitedly while I tried to think of a follow-up. "It's not like I'm betting on the thing," Stark blurted before asking me to leave with the three SHIELD agents he called in.

"I'm ready to settle this once and for all," Spider-Man told this reporter in an alley behind a Jack-In-The-Box. "Sitting in his office, listening to the same tirade day in, day out. Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong. Did you see King of Kong? Excellent."
Spider-Man artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Spider-Man Countersues Jameson

SAYS JAMESON CREATED A "HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT"

NEW YORK - In what should be a landmark civil suit, Spider-Man, otherwise known as Peter Parker, has decided to countersue his former Daily Bugle employer, J. Jonah Jameson, for harassment. Parker asserts that working for a newspaper that regularly defamed his alter ego took a toll on him. Jameson started the legal battle when he initiated a suit against Parker claiming the former photographer for the Bugle fabricated photos while in the paper's employ.

Jameson also claims Parker used the Bugle to further the popularity of his Spider-Man persona. Parker says the claim is "blatantly ridiculous."

Foggy Nelson, Spider-Man's attorney, read from a prepared statement at a press conference last night announcing the suit. Parker could not attend personally stemming for his semi-fugitive status. "My photos were never used to promote my status as Spider-Man. If anything, selling my photos to the Daily Bugle only decreased my popularity with the citizens of New York. On more than one occasion, Mr. Jameson used my photos in biased editorials and outlandishly inaccurate recounts of my exploits."

Nelson went on to read, "For years, I provided photos to a company that strives not only to see me in prison, but, a few times, in my grave . No other paper would even look at my pictures, and what was I supposed to do? Not eat? You know how many chemicals went into making that webbing? I won't tell you were the new stuff comes from, but it is saving me...how would the fingers-counting-cash hand sign be written on paper?"

"My client is not in this for money. In fact, Mr. Parker is seeking damages equal to what Mr. Jameson is seeking, or for Mr. Jameson to end this 'farce.' His words," Nelson was quick to add. "Our hope is that this will all be behind us soon."

When asked for his side of the story, Jameson had only this to say. "You want a comment? Here's a comment. You want to know what I think? What the truth is? Read a respectable paper like the Daily Bugle! Now get out of my office!"

Daily Bugle Publisher Pens 20,000th Anti-Spider-Man Editorial

"Felt Good," Admits Jameson

NEW YORK - Daily Bugle publisher J. Jonah Jameson put to press his 20,000th editorial condemning Spider-Man as a "threat or menace" to the Big Apple. This marks an unprecedented run for any journalistic crusade, particularly with a single individual as its target.

Called for a comment, Jameson said, "While I wouldn't normally speak to you inkslingers at the BP, I gotta say... this felt good. That sleazy wall-crawling menace has been skulking around NYC for too go--gosh darn long! He's up to no good and the Bugle won't stop until he's brought to justice. I thought I had him where I wanted him when I put his costume on my wall... but no! I bet he planned that whole thing to make me look ridiculous."

Bugle editor in chief Joseph "Robbie" Robertson added: "Jonah's a New York original. He's got strong opinions and will share them with anyone who plunks down 35 cents for the Bugle. I wouldn't have it any other way."

The Bugle has been in the forefront of coverage on recent "black suit Spider-Man" sightings, following the hero's public, acrimonious parting with the Pro-Registration contingent of heroes led by Iron Man. After publicly unmasking himself as photographer/science teacher Peter Parker, the hero has been on the run, breaking the law by refusing to register.

Rumors that Parker has nearly been brought down by agents of the superheroic Initiative remain unconfirmed at this time.

J.K. Simmons as "J. Jonah Jameson" in recent Spider-Man biopic; all rights copyright Sony