This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Jun 13, 2007


Congressional Study Finds All the Best Superheroes are Latino.

WASHINGTON (Bugle-Planet) – A report released today by the Senate Committee on Immigration, Refugees and Border Security, outlining the Committee's year-long investigation into superheroics and vigilantism, has further stirred the immigration debate. Senator Edward Kennedy (D-MA), Chairman of the Committee, announced the findings: “This report states conclusively—and I think the evidence we have is extremely strong to this fact—that all the best superheroes are latino.” [see also chicano, boriqua, brown]

The revelation sent shockwaves through the superhero community, long thought to be a white-bred industry. The report not only lists less-than-well-known superheroes such as Ricochet, Arana, runaway Victor Mancha, and the Blue Beetle, but some members of the well-known “A-list” superheroes, including Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman.

Even some members of the Committee seemed shocked by the investigation’s outcome. “When we began this investigation, I—like many of my colleagues—assumed we would find a few, hilarious but ridiculously insensitive Hispanic heros, like El Gaucho and the Conquistador,” said Ranking Republican Senator John Cornyn (TX). “But I’ll be danged if when we started looking at the evidence we didn’t begin to see a bigger picture. Invincible, the Green Lantern Ion, Wonder Woman—hell, even my good pal Superman—they’re all raven-haired latins. I don’t know how we missed it. Superman, well, he is the ultimate illegal immigrant. This happened under all our noses.”

The Committee’s contention that many well-known superheroes, long thought to be white, are in fact latino has been scrutinized by experts. However, the Committee says the evidence speaks for itself. “There have been around fifteen Robins,” says Committee Member Joe Biden (D-DE). “Clearly, they’re all coming from some large extended family. Batman must be some virile gato.” [cat]

The evidence provided by the Committee includes testimony, interviews, documentation, and in some cases even DNA. “Yes, me am certainly Latino,” stated LexCorp’s Superman clone, Bizarro, in an interview. Bizarro’s comments were reportedly translated from Bizarro-Spanish, or English. A statement released today by LexCorp strongly urges Congress to "swiftly act to deport all dangerous illegal aliens revealed by the Committee's report."

Other interviews were less startling. “Yeah, I’m latino,” revealed Invincible, son of infamous Omni-Man. “I’ve seen pictures of my mom from when she met my dad. Nobody white could wear their hair like that.” Invincible goes on to say how he recently ended his relationship with his Caucasian girlfriend for being on what’s popularly referred to as “CPT” or “Colored People Time.” When questioned by Committee Republicans as to whether he may actually be black, Invincible responded, “You vatos are muy atrasado.”

“My mom’s latino, and my dad is from Viltrum,” the interview continues. Viltrum is described as a “small Central or South American country where beans are the national dish.” A State Department taskforce has been issued to provide information about the miniscule nation to an American public that has repeatedly failed to find New York state on a map.

While the report was unanimously issued by the Committee, interpretations remain mixed. Republicans worry their constituents will be disheartened by another industry rabidly changing face due to the influx of well-endowed latinos.

Reaction by political activists has been swift. “It is indeed a travesty of justice that illegal aliens have begun to take over an iconic American industry such as vigilantism,” stated CNN-contributor Lou Dobbs. “And that the do-nothings in Washington have allowed our security to come under the influence of non-American citizens.”

“What these Mexicalies bring with them is destroying this industry,” says the Z-list hero Superpro, describing the perceived violence and sexual irresponsibility of latin heroes as subversive to traditional American values of violence and hypersexuality.

Latino activist groups have pointed to the report as being evidence of the Committee falling behind reality. Immediately upon receiving news that the best heroes are all latino, The League of United Latin American Citizens (LULAC) issued a two word statement: “Well, duh.”

“This investigation didn’t teach the American public anything they didn’t already know. We need to begin addressing the concerns of the largest minority group in America,” says LULAC President Rosa Rosales. The Mexican American Political Association joined the LULAC by issuing a similar two word statement. Unfortunately, the MAPA’s two word sentence is not printable in a family newspaper.

The report may also affect the political aspirations of presidential candidates on both sides of the isle. Committee member Joe Biden, himself a current candidate for the Democratic nomination, may find his candidacy troubled by the report’s more controversial claims as well as the fact that he would not stop commenting on Batman’s virility.

Other candidates may yet benefit from the report. “This report comes as no surprise,” says New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson (D), the only latin presidential candidate in either major political party. “When you have a disproportionate amount of young, poor latinos finding careers serving in the armed forces, a few of them are going to get superpowers. As governor of New Mexico, the birthplace of the Incredible Hulk, I have the executive experience needed to deal with both sides of the issue in a respectful but effective manner. These young people want to serve just like anyone else reaching for the American Dream. I think ultimately the country will welcome the fact that all its best superheroes are latino.”

Richardson then added, “After all, all its best presidential candidates are latino, too.”

Bugle-Planet Staff Writer Julian Caiko likes tacos and burritos. And enchiladas.

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