Bugle's Planet Daily: DC Comics

[Photo]Funny is what it is.

SUICIDE SLUM - One fateful night, while evading Jack of the Royal Flush Gang, (and tossing a marked deck into the sewer) this reporter stumbled onto an unprecedented scene. A space-time rift opened, blue-white light shining from a vortex seven feet high. From the rift came a red-haired man dressed in a gray prison jumpsuit. He barely had a second to compose himself before another, heavier, balder man appeared wearing a fine Armani suit.

"Hey, I'm free," the redhead exclaimed. "The dimensional ripper I made in the prison science lab worked!" The well dressed man jerked the other around, yelling, "What's the meaning of this, convict? I was in the middle of "acquiring" a new firm before I was yanked from the water boarding. You shall have two minutes before I have you liquidated."

Standing face-to-face underneath a lamppost, the two men seemed to notice the same thing I did. Besides the extra pounds and years on the tailored suit man, they were the same man. "You idiot! Your "ripper" pulled us both into yet another dimension." The red-haired man sent his older self flying with a right cross. "Don't matter to me; I'm still out of prison." He moved in to repeatedly kick the older man in the ribs. "No one cages Alexei Luthor!"

A shot rang out and the red haired man crumpled. A man stepped out of the darkness and shot the fatter man while he was still cringing on the ground. "Never know when you will need a corpse of yourself," he commented seemingly to himself, whipping out two bodybags from a satchel. "I suggest you leave, young man. Jack and Ace are just around the corner."

I can't say for certain which Lex Luthor (Forbes ranked) walked out of the alley that night, but I'll be skeptical of any news of Luthor's demise from now on.

Is This Not the End? Experts Disagree.

METROPOLIS - Scientists at STAR Labs announced today that the pending "Final Crisis" may not, in fact, be final at all.

"We've found no reason to believe that these 'Crisis' events won't recur on a semi-regular basis," said Dr. Emil Hamilton, noted friend of Superman and all-around smart guy. "Our chaotic math team estimates that by 2009, 2010 at the outside, we'll see another Crisis-level event... though it may not be called that."

"It may in fact be called a Catastrophe, a Major Upheaval or even a 'Whoops! There Goes the Universe,'" added Dr. Kitty Faulkner. "We have our eye on several different vectors from which this next major event might emerge, including deep space, parallel worlds, the Earth's core and the far future. So far, we've been unable to rule out any possibilities of any or all of these causing us massive agita."

"We doubt that it will be a 'dilly of a pickle' or a 'dire predicament,' however," Hamilton said. "Those names are just silly."

Experts in Crisis Management beg to differ about the likelihood of future Crises.

"As far as we're comfortable predicting, this is the big one," said Dan DiDio, noted expert on all matters Crisis-related. "It won't be like your father's Crisis, with red skies and a dead Flash at the end, no sir. We might see lots of really important and not-creatively-moribund superfolk take the fall this time around. We expect lots of excitement, destruction and the (hopefully brief) reign of evil throughout the universe.

"In short, bad times are coming. We can talk future Crises later, okay? Right now, I got my hands full. Death to Jimmy Olsen! All hail Darkseid!"

A Public Health Service Announcement from Your Friends at BPD!

Don't be late--get your Morticoccus inoculation now. Morticoccus (aka the harbinger of the Great Disaster) is a lethal, fast-acting "smart virus" capable of overwhelming even the most resistant organisms. Professor Ray Palmer, most recently of Ivy Town University, has devised a vaccine and administered it to key individuals throughout the 52 Earths, but supplies may be limited.

Symptoms of morticoccus include depletion of super-abilities, fatigue, heavy perspiration, high fever, delirium, coughing, nausea, vertigo (dizziness, not addiction to a DC imprint),

sneezing, an unquenchable thirst for sasparilla, and miscellaneous other nasty side-effects. There is no known treatment for full-blown morticoccus.

Do not wait. Contact your local health professional and ask for the Morticoccus inoculation. The life you save may be the planet Earth's. You don't want to end up like this guy.

Brought to you by the Challengers from Beyond and the CDC.

"Blue and Gold" Re-Team with Award-Winning Scribe!

METROPOLIS - Booster Gold and Blue Beetle, past members of the Justice League, were reunited this past week with Keith Giffen, former JLA correspondent and close friend to both. Giffen covered an early "untold tale" of the two heroes, wherein they struggle to join the JLA.

"It was just like old times," Beetle said. "Nobody tells our stories the way Keith does. Man, what I wouldn't give to have him back with us full-time! I'd rather catch a bullet in the head than go with a different reporter."

"The time goes by so fast," mused Gold. "I mean, you blink and it's like we're back in yesteryear. Who can do that without a time bubble? Our old pal Keith, that's who!"

"I'm glad to have this chance to work with the boys again," admitted Giffen, who has gone to work for two prestigious weekly publications in recent years. "We don't get to see each other very much any more. Sometimes, I feel like so much time has gone by, I barely recognize them when I catch a glimpse in a magazine here or there."

Asked if this opens the doors to future articles, Giffen demurred. "I'll never say never, but there's so many things to write about, you know?" he said. "I love those wacky guys--maybe one day we'll have the chance to tell about their biggest adventure--the one nobody but nobody has ever heard before." And with a wink, he disappeared back into the night, looking for stories-- the kind only he can tell.

IVY TOWN - Rookie hero The Atom has sought treatment for a condition tentatively identified as "microphobia": the fear of tiny things. (This is not the same as "nanophobia," which is the fear of really tiny things, but is closely related.)

"I started having, well, hallucinations when I was changing size," admitted the distraught hero. "It just isn't normal to see the things I was seeing. Floating heads, colonies of aliens living on my dog, a microscopic serial killer... I mean, does this sort of thing happen to other heroes or is it only me?"

The Atom's fellow heroes noted that he has been under considerable stress for some time.

"He's had personal issues this past year--resolving some long-standing issues with his father and some past relationships," said Wonder Woman. "He just needs some time and space to sort things out. He has a warrior's heart and I'm confident he'll bounce back."

"My microscopic vision hasn't found the oddities the Atom describes, but that's his world--the microscopic world, I mean," said Superman. "Could be there are some dangers down there that we can't foresee. If the Atom has found cause to be alarmed, it would be better for the Justice League to have a plan in place." He grimaced and added, "I bet Batman already has plans for a microscopic invasion in that cave of his..."

The Atom's public statements did not address allegations of an attack by dust bunnies in a Motel6 this past week.

Well, we held off as long as we could, but it's time for a new round of ASK THE QUESTION! Hub City's favorite vigilante/conspiracy theorist is back to solve your problems his way. Buckle your seats, readers, as we open the mailbag...

ANONYMOUS ASKS: Mr. Sage(?)
What is going on with the Weekly World News closing down? I am worried some goverment conspiracy closed down one of the last honest news sources. Can you provide details?

A good question, almost-nameless citizen. Upon investigation, I discovered that the entire staff of Weekly World News had been replaced by automata--androids meant to pass as human. The magazine's output was turned into an elaborate misinformation campaign, designed to confuse humanity in a time of impending crisis. Efforts to contain and analyze the androids led to mass self-destruction.
The location of the human staffers is undetermined at this time but I will continue to investigate.

For what it's worth, I miss the WWN too. You've made a good choice, subscribing to The Monthly X, though.

-Q

Hey Question!

There are weird images cropping up on the Internet. One shows Superman crying on Wonder Woman's shoulder and Batman with a scimitar (!); another shows Lex Luthor crying, on his knees in front of Darkseid's half-buried head.

What gives?

-Worried in Washington

Dear Worried,

I know the images you describe and am likewise concerned. The behavior of heroes and villains alike has been suspiciously chaotic and unpredictable. One might suspect that there is a mastermind behind these developments--and one does.

I am on the trail of something very large, the scope of which is... frightening.

Rest assured, you will read the results of my investigations here.

-Q

Dear Mr. Question,

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Poptm?

-Idly Curious

Dear Idly,

How lucky for you that I find you entertaining... for now.

Piece of advice: stop antagonizing your Xbox Live opponents with contemptuous "boo-yahs" when you score a kill in HALO 3. I've provided two of them--ones who have a particular enthusiasm for paintball and "happy slap" greetings--with your address and daily itinerary.

I imagine your life will be far from "idle" very soon...

-Q

Question,

What do I do if I think there are supervillains setting up shop in my neighborhood? There's a storefront that's only open after midnight, closing before sunrise, and attracting a very unsavory crowd.

-Unsettled in Coast City

Dear Unsettled,

Your vigilance is rewarded. This is indeed a problematic situation. It appears Intergang has established a night-hours-only weapons store for lowlifes in your fair city.

I have alerted Green Lantern and other West Coast-based heroes but, given their own professional emergencies, it may be some time before they can attend this matter. If possible, maintain a discreet surveillance but do not endanger yourself with direct observation. Take notes--an eyewitness account will be important at trial. And be prepared to be relocated under another identity.

Congratulations, citizen. You have been drafted into the war on crime.

-Q

That's all we have time for this week. Got a problem you need solved? ASK THE QUESTION!

And don't forget, there's a brand-new collection of The Question's cases on bookshelves now-- ask for it at your local store!

See you next time!

By Guest Correspondent
Gyuss Baaltar

San Francisco, CA (DP)-- Titans Tower has become the center of a zoning dispute in the San Francisco bay neighborhood.

Slade Wilson, a retired veteran, recently purchased a condo with a water view and raised the issue of Titans Tower with his home owners association. "Just look at that thing," says Slade, "It's a monstrosity. Instead of enjoying sunsets, I'm stuck with a giant 'T' in my way. " Slade's comments quickly made their way to city council and hearings were held.

Titans Tower was originally zoned as a meta-gathering spot by the San Francisico city council. The hope was that by allowing the Teen Titans to construct their headquarters in the bay, the team would serve as protectors of San Francisco residents.

At the latest city council meeting, questions from San Francisco residents were raised about the appropriateness of the structure. Cassandra Cain pointed out that the Tower is only used on weekends and hardly serves to provide full-time meta-protection to the city. "Have you also noticed that it's a full of statues of dead people?" asked Ms. Cain to the council "It's not a meeting place. The land is practically being used as a graveyard. This was not the intent when zoning restrictions were lifted so it could be built. Let the teens have their goth playpen somewhere else."

Robin was on hand to dispute that the tower served a purpose. "You can't take the Tower [sic] away! Where else would meta-teens gather? We'd just be loitering on street corners." Robin then went on to disparage the character of Slade Wilson. City Council chair Susan Weatherbee had to use her gavel and remind the young crusader that casting aspersions on veterans in this time was not helping his case.

The Council has tabled the issue for now and is considering other options such as razing the tower and asking the Titans to create an underground meeting space, or set up a room to meet in at a local rec center.

When further pressed for comment, Wilson said "I'm just doing my duty as a concerned citizen and property owner. I've served my country and now I just want to serve this community."

Metropolis Photographer Stubbornly
Refuses to Submit to Tragic Destiny

BPD WORLD HQ - Defying insistent pronouncements from the Oracular Sayings Office of DC News Worldwide, Jimmy Olsen (photographer and cub reporter for the Metropolis Daily Planet) is still not dead.

"'Jimmy Olsen must die,' yeah, I've heard it, blah blah blah," Olsen muttered. "So where's the killing? Where's the peril? I'm busy covering the hottest new hero in Metropolis- Mr. Action- and so far, I'm seeing nothin'. Nothing! Heck, my mom is in more danger crossing the street."
"I'm really at a loss to explain it," says DC News editor-in-chief Dan DiDio. "We had a 89% probability that Jimmy Olsen would be dead by now... and our top people were all saying that his death was not only going to happen but was necessary. I don't know what they meant by that, but it makes for great ad copy!"

Jimmy Olsen's pal Superman says, "No death is ever necessary. My good friend Jim is a fine photographer and an ambitious young man--but I have a hard time believing that anyone wants him dead. Besides which, they know they'd have to answer to me."

"The whole thing wouldn't bother me so much if Las Vegas weren't taking bets on when I'll be bumped off," Olsen says. "There are even side bets on who will do it! I think Darkseid is top of the list, for some reason, but if I have to go out, I sort of hope it'd be Power Girl. Can you imagine getting the Hug of Death from her? =swoon!="

Olsen's part-time paramour Lucy Lane was not amused.

More on this story as it develops.
Jimmy Olsen Must Die/Countdown artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

BPD WORLD HEADQUARTERS - Late breaking news! The famous robot heroes known as the Metal Men have been recycled.

"It was a difficult decision--I mean, these guys are my friends," said creator Will "Doc" Magnus at his laboratory. "But I took a real beating in the stock market and hey, gold is gold!"

With the market for precious metals taking an upturn in a turbulent economy, the decision may have been hard, but it reaped Magnus a windfall of approximately $7.2 million. He's also kept the team's responsometers in the event that he's able to scrounge up enough metal to reconstitute his creations.

But such a decision was not made lightly, and the repercussions seem likely to continue for a long time to come.

"I don't know if I'll be able to look at a can of soup without thinking of Tin," Magnus said, getting choked up. "Or take my temperature without thinking of Mercury." He looked at the check in his hand and then shrieked, "What have I done?"

Concerned friends of the mad sci- er, inventing genius are collecting spare metal fragments. Contributions can be made to: Save Will Magnus, PO Box 5519, Metropolis.

Welcome to the first installment of a new feature, DEEP DARK SECRETS. We broke news of Doomsday's real name here some time ago, and that triggered... well, something. All of a sudden, people are coming out of the woodwork to give us super-gossip.

We'll start with a deep dark secret about one of the universe's most feared tyrants: the legendary New God known as Darkseid.

We found archival photos of the Great Stone Face giving a reading at the Coffee Bean in Manhattan in 1954.

"Back when I knew the 'Seid, he was a groovy cat, man," said Franklyn Delyle (aka Frankie the D). "Liked the dark stuff a lot, can ya dig it? No bongo-playin', just straight-up at the microphone. He did his thing prob'ly two, three months, back in the five-four. He was hangin' with Jack K and Allen G, if ya know where I'm comin' from. He sat in with the Beats and laid down some words, my friend.

"He started gettin' a little heavy, though, man. Everybody gets hecklers, it's just how the beats groove, baby. But... ain't nothin' cool 'bout what he did, man. Not groovy. See, he had these laser beams'd shoot out of his eyeballs. Freaky-deaky! We, uh, didn't ask him back after that."

Notorious sixties scene maven Jo Stockton said, "For awhile, I thought Darkseid was really onto something groovy. I was shooting fashion layouts for a magazine or two and he was on the scene, y'know, scribbling his notes. I remember he had an hour-long thing he did called 'Anti-Life Equation' or something like that. It was terrible but none of us could ever tell him that. He was just too intense."

Darkseid's flirtation with beat poetry came to an end in 1958 when he disappeared from the scene entirely. It may be no coincidence that that year he ruthlessly suppressed an uprising by the Hunger Dogs of Apokolips.

"He never wrote another poem after that," said long-time flunky Desaad. "He told me that annihilation was his epic poem, his paean to the Old Gods. Maybe he was in a bad mood that day, though sometimes it's hard to tell."

What if Darkseid had gone on with his poetry? Would he be remembered in the same company as Kerouac, Ginsberg and their brethren? Or would he simply end up battling Orion, this time on a stage instead of on Apokolips? The universe may never know...

NEW YORK (BPD) Flash-in-the-Pan Entertainment announced its latest celebrity boxing event in a colorful press conference on Monday. Rick Jones, former sidekick to the Hulk, Captain America and Captain Marvel I, faces off against former Justice League of America sidekick Snapper Carr. The event undercard features former Green Lantern sidekick, Thomas "Pieface" Kalmaku versus Dr. Stephen Strange's manservant, Wong.

Billed primarily as a charity event, organizers downplayed rumors of mob involvement in their business operation and gambling connected with the event itself. The fight will be held over Thanksgiving Weekend in Las Vegas. Introducing the competitors, Flash-in-the-Pan managing executive Jim Dewey stressed ties to religious organizations.

"My partners and I have always said that we're in this business to help those less fortunate than ourselves. Our associates in the religious community are invaluable in facilitating our ability to translate that desire into action. And they're excited about the event just as much as we are."

Dewey's minority partner Frank Cheetam echoed the his statement. ""We're looking forward to seeing some heads get busted. That Snapper boy is going to get his thumbs broken. You know Rick Jones used to hang out with the Hulk?"

Competitors were somewhat less spirited but earnest in their desire to lend their fame to the charitable event. "Cap always said that you have to stand up for something." said Rick Jones, who will also be singing the national anthem. Snapper Carr, snapping his fingers throughout the press conference said, "Hey, cool guys! I'm not a square, can you dig it?"

But rumors continue to swirl amids reports of business improprieties connected to the office of In-the-Pan CFO, William F. Howe. Howe, who was conspicuously absent from the press conference, has been unavailable for comment on matters concerning financial impropriety. Howe is also rumored to be working back doors on Wall Street in an effort to conclude a merger.

More on this story as events develop.

Today the Bugle's Planet remembers Tarik Andre, who loved comics, anime, martial arts and Van Gogh—even more than his big sister. This is a celebration of what would have been his 26th birthday. I would have forgotten and called late and sung horribly; and he still would've thought I was great. But no. He was the amazing one.

This blog would've made him so proud. He'd have known exactly how to make it better and made you all laugh at exactly the moment you expected not to. (Tarik's sense of humor was omega-level)

Recently, I found one of his comics—bagged and boarded of course—and began to reminiscence on how our mother introduced us to Milestone and that Icon was his favorite. He also loved Spider-Man and the X-Men.

I guess you'd say I'm a DC and he was a MARVEL. He was truly a marvel.

So if you're missing someone this morning I ask you to share one their stories here—especially if they loved comics like we do. This way we'll build havens from joyful memories and smile through the veil. If you think you could tell.*

For my baby brother: "Dream on. Dream on. Dream until your dreams come true. Happy Birthday Tee!"

----------------
*Now playing: Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Up next: Aerosmith - Dream On
via FoxyTunes

Picto-Link® Enabled in Orange

"Heroes battling the wrong nemeses! Villains annihilating the wrong heroes!"

OCEANIA/BPD COPY ROOM - Last night BPD's Heroclix® reenactment of 'Secret’ Wars was interrupted by a holographic transmission. Two oddly attired Heroes suddenly appeared on the Battleworld map with a dire warning from the future.

"Much as The Goracle prophesied the flaming death of sweet mother earth we come with forewarning of a far greater threat. While the everyman—not to be confused with Hannibal Bates—must conserve the earth’s life blood, the supermen have another task--“

“Get to the point Swell![!],” interjected the impatient super heroine Double Chocolate Almond Thunder—obviously a descendant of Black Lightening. “Tell them about the blood fugues, the secret identity thefts, the unmaskings in the streets! Oh the humanity! I. Can’t. Go. On.”

“Gently, good lady Thunder. I am approaching the point," said Swell!

By this time the BPD staff was alarmed but mostly confused.

“Good friends our woes began with the Bat and Arrow families. Sidekicks kept graduating and taking on new names. Their sidekicks took names, their sidekicks' kids took names and so did their nannies. Someone had to mind the babies. In the case of the Green Arrow, his bastard offspring kept showing up wanting their own colorful handles. Something had to give. Pretty soon--“

D.C.A.T could no longer contain herself “Heroes battling the wrong nemeses. Villains annihilating the wrong heroes. Publicists not knowing where to send royalty checks. Oh the horror!”

“As you can see my bond-mate is overcome," said Swell! going to Double Chocolate’s side. “The JLA tried to stop the hemorrhaging by using their real names but they were summarily stalled by The Decompressionist. It was a bad time for the supertariat. The desperation quickly led to…”

The intrepid hero shed a single tear but soldiered on.

“…The Sobriquet Wars. It’s all in a name you see. Heroes live and die by their names and when we ran out…My God!”

“In our time we’ve brokered a kind of peace.” Almond Thunder spoke succinctly for the first time regaining her composure. Using a laser-pointer and MS QuantumPoint she outlined the following:

The descendants of Captain America have named themselves after bureaucracies: Colonel DMV and General INS.

All colors have been ceded to the Arrow Family of heroes with the exception of green, which is sole property of the Lanterns.
The She-Hulk Family has gone the way of onomatopoeia: Smash, Bash, Crunch, Bam, Boom!
There's been an uprising of superlatives and screen names: Swell!, OMGIAH,* GR8_10_21_28, Optimum!, Fantabulous!, Chillax...
The Power Girls have chosen a more visual means of identification: Pancake, 34C, Chestacular, PG-Double Dee and Implant
The Silver Surfer Family has resorted to early anniversaries: Linen Surfer, Porcelain Surfer, Paper Surfer and Aluminum-Sk8r
Joker's Clan was quite clever in solving their problem: Minstrel, Knock-Knock and The Deadly Pun eliminate all who try to join their troupe.

Convinced the Bugle's Planet staff fully grasped the gravity of the situation the Chocolate sistah turned to her bond-mate.

“These solutions are but a stopgap,” iterated Swell! “It’s up to the superheroes of today to build a brighter future. Stop the blatant misuse of monikers now! [undecipherable] Jumpin’ Jehosephat! The Jokers are attacking.” [connection lost--switching to auxiliary feed]

The last thing heard before the connection went dead was *ZZZACKT* “You know, Swell! you can’t have the Thunder without the lightning! Ha-ha Haaa!”

Godspeed Swell! and Double Chocolate Almond Thunder. Godspeed.

NOTE: DC Comics is already doing their part by having heroes share names. Heroes like Wildcat, Flash, Hour Man and, of course, The Lanterns are preventing misnomers one pseudonym at a time.

*Omigod I’m A Hero!

Written by Jon Hex and Sherin Nicole
with special thanks to Mike Carey for the 'Anniversary Surfers'

"World's Greatest Detective" Ambushed by Friends

by Drew Bittner, Senior Gotham Correspondent

GOTHAM CITY - The Darknight Detective was caught unawares Saturday evening by a surprise party, thrown in honor of his birthday by the Justice League of America.

"I was a little surprised, yes," Batman admitted to this reporter (who was flown blindfolded into the Batcave to cover the event). "There are many security features to the cave--but they were all neatly circumvented by my friends." He suddenly frowned. "...which is unacceptable."

Hosted by Robin the Boy Wonder, partygoers included Superman, Supergirl, Green Lantern, Green Arrow and Black Canary, Hawkman and Hawkgirl, the current rosters of the JLA and Teen Titans, and several more.

"This is a great opportunity for us to get together and loosen the capes a little," Superman said. "Nobody has fun like a group of superheroes! Well, nobody but a group of supervillains, I suppose, but I've never been to one of their parties."

Booster Gold showed up late for the festivities, claiming that his robotic sidekick Skeets "forgot" to inform him of a prior commitment. "Hey, at least I got here," he said. "That's more than the Outsiders managed to do!" He was forced to retract his statement mere seconds later, having seen the new lineup of Outsiders glaring at him across the Batcave floor.

A special guest of the night was Catwoman, whose arrival provoked some controversy among the assembled heroes. A spontaneous vote was held and Catwoman was allowed to stay, with Huntress casting the deciding vote. "I just wanted to see what she'd do. That girl may be trouble but she's fun to watch!" Huntress said later.

Nightwing, Batman's former partner and the first Robin, was a notable no-show but sent a videotaped greeting to his mentor, wishing him the best and offering to watch over Gotham City any time he feels like retiring. Even though Batman laughed, it feels as though he's been around for decades, despite his having the vigor and appearance of a man barely in his thirties. How much longer will this tireless caped crusader continue to patrol the night-time streets of Gotham City?

Judging by the way he set the dance floor on fire, he'll be crimefighting for many, many years to come.

Want to know more about Batman? Visit http://www.dccomics.com/!

The comic book industry mourns the loss of Mike Wieringo, comic book artist, who died of a heart attack on August 12.

Celebrated for his work on titles including Flash (with Mark Waid, in the course of which he co-created the character Impulse), Robin, Tellos (a series he co-created with Todd DeZago) and Fantastic Four, Wieringo had been working on the Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four miniseries for Marvel.

For more information on Wieringo and his career, visit his Wikipedia entry here. Devon Sanders also offers a wonderful, personal remembrance on the Seven Hells!

Bugle's Planet Daily extends its deepest condolences to the family, friends, co-workers and colleagues of Mike Wieringo. He will be greatly missed.

HUB CITY - Mayor Jackson Granger called an impromptu press conference today to announce the start of his new community outreach program.

Taking the podium to grand applause, the Mayor began his address with his usual charisma and aplomb. "Good Morning Hub City! It's a pleasure to see you all today. I have called Hub City home for the past 23 years. In that time I have seen many things; I've seen the darkness of man's inhumanity to man and I've seen the ability of our citizens to push through that darkness, through to the light.

"In the last few months, we as a people have suffered a great loss. The death of our own, and only, beloved hero, The Question, has left a void waiting to be filled. It is this emptiness which brings me here today.

"Today, I announce the start of a new and, hopefully, thought-provoking 'give-back' program, one designed to encourage the creation of local superheroes, Operation: Build a Savior!"

Pausing for a moment to collect himself and allow for sufficient applause, the Mayor continued. "Essentially, the crux of this program is this: the rich of the community are being asked to take their children out and have dinner, maybe support the local theater, take in that revival of 'The Mask of Zorro' at the Regal, just generally live it up, the better the time had, the stronger the juxtaposition. Once you've finished the night's activities, just stroll into one of the cities many back alleys and let nature take it's course." His last statement met by a stunned crowd, The Mayor went on to further elucidate. "Oh, no, I didn't mean sex. There is a place for such things and it is not in a back alley. No, no, I meant get mugged, and ideally, murdered."

As murmurs began amongst the audience, the Mayor appeared visually shaken, but went on to further clarify his initiative.

"You see, the community needs a strong hero, and as we all know, the best are born of tragedy. It only makes sense that if we're to encourage our own homegrown superhero, they be baptized in the blood of the one's they love," The Mayor said quite matter-of-factly. "As we all know, the average thief is not looking to kill anybody but just wants a quick score to buy themselves a hit, so exacerbation is encouraged: make fun of their ratty clothes, laugh at their lower class accent, just generally be the people you were raised to be. Oh and we need definite targets, no need for poor people to get shot, so a tux is a must for the men and ladies, don't forget those pearls. Oh and be sure you have a sizable bank account. I mean look at Batman, that car, the plane, all the little gadget things, that guy's swimmin' in it, and Green Arrow? Those trick arrows can't come cheap. The last thing we need is more broke boy-scouts with domino masks. I think we all remember Action Steve, may god rest his soul."

Seeing the looks of confusion and disgust on the faces of the amassed, the Mayor began to grow desperate, citing the potential in other methods of hero creation. "Well fine, if the wealthy of the city can't find it within themselves to make a small sacrifice for their community... well, how about this then, everybody, lower, middle, and upper class, try museums with exhibits of mystical artifacts, meteor crash craters, experimental weapons test sites, radioactive power plants, c'mon people, help me out!"

As the assembly began to disperse, police arrived with a van from the Hub City Hospital for the Mentally Disenfranchised in tow to collect the distraught Mayor. Still, he continued. "Oh what, am I a bad person? Screw that! Somebody needs to be keeping an eye on this city, I'm just nudging things in the right direction. But good god, no more Objectivists! I swear, if I here one more quote from 'Atlas Shrugged', I'll eat a bullet."

One lone attendee remained as the Mayor was hauled away, offering the leader of the city a standing ovation. "That mmman is a visionnnnary," said Hunter Zolomon. "If you'll excuuuse mee, I have to go register to vote. Gggranger in '08!"

"We Were Here First!" Insists Justice Society

EARTH-2 - Well, the writing was on the wall for a long, long time. Earth-2, home of the Earth's mightiest heroes of World War II and their modern-day descendants--many of them legacy heroes carrying on a proud tradition of heroism--isn't going to take it any more.

"We were here first," declared Jay Garrick (aka Flash 1, 'the first Flash' or 'classic Flash') of the Justice Society of America. "Where do they get off calling us 'Earth-2'? That's demeaning! How would they like it if we called them 'Earth-Johnny-Come-Lately'? Or maybe 'Earth-Copycat'? I don't think they'd like that much at all. We're polite and didn't raise a fuss until

now... but this whole new Crisis thing has opened up a big can of worms, I can tell you."

To improve the image of this unhappy parallel world, a decision was made at the highest levels. From now on, Earth-2 will insist on being known as 'Earth-Awesome.'

This decision provoked immediate controversy from many quarters.

"It'll confuse us with that dreadful alternate Earth where someone named Supreme is running around," said Wonder Woman of Earth-2. "You know, the fellow who seems like a bad carbon copy of Superman? I believe I read that he's had a few good adventures but honestly, I don't know..."

Asked for clarification on the naming convention post-Crisis, Under Secretary of State for Alternate and Parallel Worlds Dan DiDio said, "We're investigating the matter and intend to issue a statement very soon. We believe we can resolve this amicably, without resorting to another Crisis... though I cannot confirm or deny that a Crisis is being planned at this moment."

In the meantime, Earth-Awesome is putting out feelers to the 50 other "also-ran Earths" to see if they want to alter their naming conventions as well. "Just because they call themselves Earth-1 doesn't mean they're better than we are," huffed Power Girl (aka 'the Supergirl of Earth-2'). "I mean, really! What did they contribute to the multiverse that we didn't do first?"

CHICAGO - A routine episode of 'The Jerry Springer Show" erupted into unroutine super violence as the usually collected superheroine Black Canary, of the Justice League of America, traded blows (plus sonic cries and bowshafts) with the mysterious assassin Shado. At the center of the confrontation? A paternity test naming former Justice Leaguer Green Arrow as the father of Shado's illegitimate son.

"I was blindsided!" exclaimed Black Canary after the tapping. "I thought we—GA and I—were here to talk about our engagement. Then she pops out of nowhere saying GA's the father of her kid. I don't know what kind of show Mr. Springer is running, but no one wants to put their personal business on national television."

Green Arrow, known for his many impromptu speeches and public outcries, was uncharacteristically silent after Shado's announcement. "After Shado implied Black Canary was sterile, I knew it was on. Best to just back away and let the ladies work out their aggressions." GA managed to get Springer and the security team away from the stage before anyone was hurt in the brawl.

Lashonqua Dinkins was in the audience when the brawl took place. "That first lady, she was a'ight. But that skinny b*tch with the bent stick, was all like, 'He need me, we understand each uver,' and that when the first lady was fi' to blow."

Black Canary apologized after the incident and the JLA paid for the damage done to the studio. "I did not appreciate the producers' methods, but I lost my temper. We all have to take responsibility for our actions. I should have just left, but that b*tch was asking for it."

Springer was unfazed by the whole altercation. "People are people, not what they choose to wear. In any given situation, most people are likely to react impulsively, and well, that's what makes the show. Besides, " Springer gave a slight grin, "we get so many people claiming Green Arrow's their baby's father, we had to have him on the show."

"C'mon," Says Blogger, "Weren't You Wondering a Little?"

JUSTICE SOCIETY OF AMERICA HQ - Power Girl showed doubters and naysayers that, absolutely and without question, she is capable of folding her arms across her chest. This followed a punishing cyber-campaign that openly doubted whether the busty superheroine was, in fact, capable of such a feat.

"I know they're the subject of jokes," she said, "but I've gotten used to being well-endowed. If crossing my arms will shut up some of the nastier elements in cyberspace and give the JSA webmaster a break from spam, well, I can do that much." Heard muttering under her breath a moment later, she said, "You think Superman ever has to deal with this &#*@?"

"Never thought she'd actually do it, I mean, I'm totally ROFL!" crowed blogger SkeezyBoy7 ;], "The frackin' blogosophere rules all Superheroes and they will bend to our whims!" Asked if this wasn't a ridiculous use of the Internet, SkeezyBoy7 responded, "WTF!? you know you wanted to see this as much as I did! Now we turn our attention to Starfire and She-Hulk... ;D...Live long and prosper."

"I don't understand that mindset," Power Girl said later. "I mean, are these basement dwelling troglodytes really that fascinated by... ah, skip it. We all know the answer to that." She shook her head in evident disgust. "Pathetic."

SkeezyBoy7 had no further comment but the image has become one of the most-downloaded on the web. BPD has been informed by police that the subsequent trashing of his home, beginning with a cement truck falling on it, was purely coincidental.

Power Girl artwork by Alex Ross and Michael Turner, copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Dear Question:
I'm hearing strange rumblings late at night beneath my Gotham brownstone. Do you think I should invest in earthquake insurance or is my home built on top of the Batcave?
-signed, Concerned

Dear Concerned,
I've checked your foundation and basement. It appears that there was some supervillain activity recently--drilling into a bank two blocks from your address, which I have forwarded to the GCPD for further investigation.

I have also forwarded the IRS evidence that you are withholding a considerable sum of money, which is stashed in a fireproof box behind your freezer. You should have filed an amended return when you got that windfall last October. Do not try to hide the evidence--I have taken some effort to secure the crime scene until investigators arrive and confirm the box's contents.

If anything were to happen to that evidence, rest assured I have Batman's email address.

Earthquake insurance might be unwarranted at this time but that might be the least of your problems...
-Q

Dear Mr. Question,
Is corruption in Hub City really as bad as they say?
I worry about things like that and I'm only 12!
-A Young Citizen

Dear Concerned,
I find it highly suspicious that a 12 year old would worry about political corruption in Hub City.

Upon investigating further, I find that you are in fact 13, a child genius and enrolled in a course of graduate level political science studies in Hub City. Perhaps you ask your question only because you want a response from an extralegal operative such as myself, perhaps you wish to elicit some words against the current regime. Perhaps you are truly concerned.

Crime is crime, wherever it is found, on the streets or in City Hall. Continue with your studies and know that I'll be keeping an eye on you. And you're old enough to sleep without a nightlight.
-Q

Dear "the Question",
Is my husband cheating on me?
-A Restless Housewife

Dear Restless,
No. But you should stop visiting a certain website. You know the one I mean.
-Q

Do YOU have something to "Ask The Question"? Send in your queries by posting a comment! We can't guarantee the Question will reply, um, as you might prefer, but... what do you have to lose?

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