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Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Aug 24, 2007

Future Heroes Warn Of Cognomen Shortage

Picto-Link® Enabled in Orange

"Heroes battling the wrong nemeses! Villains annihilating the wrong heroes!"

OCEANIA/BPD COPY ROOM - Last night BPD's Heroclix® reenactment of 'Secret’ Wars was interrupted by a holographic transmission. Two oddly attired Heroes suddenly appeared on the Battleworld map with a dire warning from the future.

"Much as The Goracle prophesied the flaming death of sweet mother earth we come with forewarning of a far greater threat. While the everyman—not to be confused with Hannibal Bates—must conserve the earth’s life blood, the supermen have another task--“

“Get to the point Swell![!],” interjected the impatient super heroine Double Chocolate Almond Thunder—obviously a descendant of Black Lightening. “Tell them about the blood fugues, the secret identity thefts, the unmaskings in the streets! Oh the humanity! I. Can’t. Go. On.”

“Gently, good lady Thunder. I am approaching the point," said Swell!

By this time the BPD staff was alarmed but mostly confused.

“Good friends our woes began with the Bat and Arrow families. Sidekicks kept graduating and taking on new names. Their sidekicks took names, their sidekicks' kids took names and so did their nannies. Someone had to mind the babies. In the case of the Green Arrow, his bastard offspring kept showing up wanting their own colorful handles. Something had to give. Pretty soon--“

D.C.A.T could no longer contain herself “Heroes battling the wrong nemeses. Villains annihilating the wrong heroes. Publicists not knowing where to send royalty checks. Oh the horror!”

“As you can see my bond-mate is overcome," said Swell! going to Double Chocolate’s side. “The JLA tried to stop the hemorrhaging by using their real names but they were summarily stalled by The Decompressionist. It was a bad time for the supertariat. The desperation quickly led to…”

The intrepid hero shed a single tear but soldiered on.

“…The Sobriquet Wars. It’s all in a name you see. Heroes live and die by their names and when we ran out…My God!”

“In our time we’ve brokered a kind of peace.” Almond Thunder spoke succinctly for the first time regaining her composure. Using a laser-pointer and MS QuantumPoint she outlined the following:
  • The descendants of Captain America have named themselves after bureaucracies: Colonel DMV and General INS.
  • All colors have been ceded to the Arrow Family of heroes with the exception of green, which is sole property of the Lanterns.

  • The She-Hulk Family has gone the way of onomatopoeia: Smash, Bash, Crunch, Bam, Boom!

  • There's been an uprising of superlatives and screen names: Swell!, OMGIAH,* GR8_10_21_28, Optimum!, Fantabulous!, Chillax...

  • The Power Girls have chosen a more visual means of identification: Pancake, 34C, Chestacular, PG-Double Dee and Implant

  • The Silver Surfer Family has resorted to early anniversaries: Linen Surfer, Porcelain Surfer, Paper Surfer and Aluminum-Sk8r

  • Joker's Clan was quite clever in solving their problem: Minstrel, Knock-Knock and The Deadly Pun eliminate all who try to join their troupe.
Convinced the Bugle's Planet staff fully grasped the gravity of the situation the Chocolate sistah turned to her bond-mate.

“These solutions are but a stopgap,” iterated Swell! “It’s up to the superheroes of today to build a brighter future. Stop the blatant misuse of monikers now! [undecipherable] Jumpin’ Jehosephat! The Jokers are attacking.” [connection lost--switching to auxiliary feed]

The last thing heard before the connection went dead was *ZZZACKT* “You know, Swell! you can’t have the Thunder without the lightning! Ha-ha Haaa!”

Godspeed Swell! and Double Chocolate Almond Thunder. Godspeed.

NOTE: DC Comics is already doing their part by having heroes share names. Heroes like Wildcat, Flash, Hour Man and, of course, The Lanterns are preventing misnomers one pseudonym at a time.

*Omigod I’m A Hero!

Written by Jon Hex and Sherin Nicole
with special thanks to Mike Carey for the 'Anniversary Surfers'

2 comments:

Drew said...

A few more names to toss out there:
- Kitten Kaboodle, the Feline Fury!
- 2nd Lt. New England
- Leafy the Man-Tree
- Industrious!
- Captain Forthright
- Process Heating Unit
- Steambringer
- Buddy the Chum (He's Everybody's Pal!)
- Unicornasus (half unicorn, half pegasus, all bad-@$$!)
- Fiber Optic Line
- Distribution System 4
- WoMensa the She-Genius!
and on and on...

Shonen Bat said...

The Sobriquet Wars and The Decompresssionist?! That's genius. And the Power Girl Family makes you wish tomorrow was now.