This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Aug 10, 2007

Ask the Question!

It's time once again for your second- or third-favorite column here on BPD: Ask the Question! As always, our intrepid vigilante will take on your case--er, query--and respond in his own highly disturbing fashion. So let's open the mailbag one more time!

Dear Mr. Sage?

I have recently noticed that people are acting odd in my neighborhood.

Are they Skrulls, or possibly Dire Wraiths?

If so, is it legal to kill them and display their skulls above my mantle as a warning to the others?

-A concerned citizen

Dear Concerned,

Odd behavior is not proof. Do what I do: investigate. Start with their trash. Are they eating microwave dinners and lots of take-out food? If so, they are probably just ordinary Americans. Skrulls and Dire Wraiths tend to have more exotic dietary habits--some of which cannot be described except in the most graphic of terms. A key indicator is whether you or your neighbors are suddenly missing pets.

After this initial step... well, I won't divulge all my methods, but you can probably figure out where to go from there.

As for taking direct action yourself, there is considerable danger in doing so. If you're caught, you go into the system, where you're at their mercy. Better to turn over your findings to me. I've sent an anonymous postcard with information to an address you'll be certain to check. Displaying their skulls is an interesting idea... though worrisome if you don't first disengage the Dire Wraith from its human host.

Lastly--no, your neighbors aren't Skrulls or Dire Wraiths or even garden-variety cultists. It's worse. They're roleplaying gamers.


Dear Question,

My local comic shop keeps trying to force me to read something called "that awesome Scott Pilgrim book"What are they trying to brainwash me with?

-Gyuss Baaltar


You are quite perceptive, and it's obvious in hindsight. Scott Pilgrim is indeed a vehicle for Canadian mind control, slipping subliminal messages into your Z-cortex via randomized fractal placement of meme-junk. It's sophisticated posthypnotic suggestion, to the point of rewriting your "psychetecture." The dominant messages are "eat more Canadian bacon" and "polar bears are your friends."

I won't bore you with the other messages, but most of them involve tourism and the benefits of living in extreme cold climates. (The underlying assumption is that northern Canada wants visitors, perhaps for nefarious purposes of their own. I have not yet discounted involvement by the Great Beasts.)

The entertainment value of the book is considerable, however, so the potential risk of id-contamination via Canadian brainhacking may be worth it. Proceed at your own risk. I, of course, will be keeping a careful eye on this book.

If you start to wear a tuke and parka (even in summer), watch "Kids in the Hall" marathons and end your sentences with "ey?" I may have to take immediate and drastic action.


Dear Question,
Qui custode custodiets?
(Who watches the Watchmen?)
-Interlocutor X

Dear I.X. (aka Mr 9),
I do.
PS, very clever with the invisotext... and the unorthodox means of leaving this query. You've gotten my attention.

Hey Question,

What's the story with you and Huntress? Or should I ask Big Mike instead?


Dear Curious,

Curiosity killed the cat.

However, I'm feeling particularly generous with information today. Huntress is fine and as for our relationship... this website might offer some interesting lines of thought. I will say that certain aspects of our relationship are not as distorted as Hollywood representations tend to be.

Your prurient fascination with the romantic lives of others has been noted. By the way, you're out of peanut butter and the light in your hallway needs to be replaced.


And that's all the time we have today. Join us again for our next installment of "Ask the Question!"

Question artwork is copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved


Anonymous said...

Thank you Mr. Sage.

In further questioning, are any major super heroes really skrulls, and, if so, can can this best be manipulated to the advantage of all mankind?

A less concerned citizen.

The Inquiry said...

Hmm...I always thought the latin was "Quis custodiet ipsos custodes." Perhaps a plot to retroactively alter Latin into a bastardized form and thus rob the modern world of its power. Obvious, in hindsight.

ABS said...

Dear Question,

On my latest algebra test, I had to solve A^2 + 8 = 12. Inspired by you, my answer was "A is A!" My teacher sent me to the principal's office. How do I convince them?


Anonymous said...

Your questions have been received. Watch this space.