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Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Aug 29, 2007

Doctors Alarmed At Retcontinence Pandemic

By Guest Correspondent
Gyuss Baaltar

BPD GUEST SHOT! RUNNER-UP

PORTSMOUTH CITY, OR An increase in reported cases of Retcontinence has alarmed a number of professionals representing the American Psychological Association. In the Pacific Northwest, Dr. Pieter Cross has diagnosed the dissociative disorder in 8 cases this week, seeming to confirm suspicions that the cyclical disease is again peaking among the general populace.

"This disorder is often misdiagnosed in the DSM-IV," said Dr. Cross from the free clinic he opened in the inner city of Portsmouth City. "Frequently confused with schizophrenia, Retcontinence is usually seen as a specific anxiety where the patient believes parts of their personal history has been re-shaped in some way."

Experts cannot agree on the cause or the cyclical nature of Retcontinence. Some psychiatrists attribute it to mass hysteria, noting that there seems to be a correlation between times of greater conflict in the meta-human community and the general population complaining of unfamiliarity with their own past lives.

Dr. Leonard Samson, noted psychiatrist and specialist in meta-psychology points out that Retcontinence cases also vary by geographic location, lending credence to the theory of mass hysteria. "Gotham residents for example," says Samson, "often report the same feeling that a spotlight shown into the sky brings a sense of security, though no one can point out what the spotlight would do. However, Central City residents sometimes express discomfort with their sister-city of Keystone City. Despite having friends and relatives who have lived the twin-cities all their lives, residents of one will have a phobia of crossing the border between them citing a feeling that it shouldn't be there".

Population centers exhibiting signs of Retcontinence spreading among denizens are not in any danger. Citizens usually discuss their feelings in small groups or families and realize that the delusion does not keep them from continuing in their daily lives. Individuals without support networks do fall through the cracks. Dr. Cross believes he sees more cases than most, since misdiagnoses often leads patients into life on the streets, where rules are simpler and reminders of a mis-remembered past lives are not as apparent.

Jimmy Weeks has sought treatment for his Retcontinence several times over his adult life. "Seems like ever few years, I get the shakes. Memories of the past that should be locked in are suddenly like jello and I'm not sure who I am for a few days. One time I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd fought in the Vietnam War. Smells and sounds of that jungle hellhole haunted my dreams. But my good buddy Frank Castle reminded me that we fought together in the first Gulf War, in the freakin' desert! How weird is that?"

Dr. Samson attributes Mr. Weeks faulty memory to a combination of Retcontinence and PTSD. Mr. Weeks is in full recovery and carries out his daily routine with the assistance of common anti-anxiety medications.

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BIO: When not teaching people how to safely jump out of airplanes, Gyuss Baaltar likes hanging out at Big Monkey Comics and getting schooled on Golden Age mythos by Scipio. His random ideas can often be found at gyussbaaltar.blogspot.com where he enjoys a steady audience of 4 daily readers. Despite subjecting himself to a daily regimen of dangerous situations, Gyuss has not developed any meta-powers, yet.


5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have memories of seeing Doctor Richards on TV fighting Nazis alongside Nick Fury in WW2
But he's only 40, or so.
Who do you recomend?

Gateway Comics said...

I've been suffering from a bad case of retcontinence, so I went on an experimental drug called Parallax. Unfortunately, it stopped having an effect after about a year, and it made me want to strangle anyone wearing green...

Anonymous said...

Yeah, that'll happen sometimes.
Me, I just ignore it utterly.
Seems to work okay, except for people asking what it was like to serve in the big one.

Gyuss Baaltar said...

I blame it all on the rap music we listen to these days. Addles the brain.

I grew up in a small Kansas town, and we still have a legend of a teenager who will fix all our problems and protect us from evil.

Jon Hex said...

For some reason, I remember being in the future wearing a leather suit and then I was in the Old West. Funny thing: when I was in the Old West, I would alternately fight cattle rustlers and squid-men.