Doctors Alarmed At Retcontinence Pandemic

By Guest Correspondent

Gyuss Baaltar

BPD GUEST SHOT! RUNNER-UP

PORTSMOUTH CITY, OR – An increase in reported cases of Retcontinence has alarmed a number of professionals representing the American Psychological Association. In the Pacific Northwest, Dr. Pieter Cross has diagnosed the dissociative disorder in 8 cases this week, seeming to confirm suspicions that the cyclical disease is again peaking among the general populace.

"This disorder is often misdiagnosed in the DSM-IV," said Dr. Cross from the free clinic he opened in the inner city of Portsmouth City. "Frequently confused with schizophrenia, Retcontinence is usually seen as a specific anxiety where the patient believes parts of their personal history has been re-shaped in some way."

Experts cannot agree on the cause or the cyclical nature of Retcontinence. Some psychiatrists attribute it to mass hysteria, noting that there seems to be a correlation between times of greater conflict in the meta-human community and the general population complaining of unfamiliarity with their own past lives.

Dr. Leonard Samson, noted psychiatrist and specialist in meta-psychology points out that Retcontinence cases also vary by geographic location, lending credence to the theory of mass hysteria. "Gotham residents for example," says Samson, "often report the same feeling that a spotlight shown into the sky brings a sense of security, though no one can point out what the spotlight would do. However, Central City residents sometimes express discomfort with their sister-city of Keystone City. Despite having friends and relatives who have lived the twin-cities all their lives, residents of one will have a phobia of crossing the border between them citing a feeling that it shouldn't be there".

Population centers exhibiting signs of Retcontinence spreading among denizens are not in any danger. Citizens usually discuss their feelings in small groups or families and realize that the delusion does not keep them from continuing in their daily lives. Individuals without support networks do fall through the cracks. Dr. Cross believes he sees more cases than most, since misdiagnoses often leads patients into life on the streets, where rules are simpler and reminders of a mis-remembered past lives are not as apparent.

Jimmy Weeks has sought treatment for his Retcontinence several times over his adult life. "Seems like ever few years, I get the shakes. Memories of the past that should be locked in are suddenly like jello and I'm not sure who I am for a few days. One time I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd fought in the Vietnam War. Smells and sounds of that jungle hellhole haunted my dreams. But my good buddy Frank Castle reminded me that we fought together in the first Gulf War, in the freakin' desert! How weird is that?"

Dr. Samson attributes Mr. Weeks faulty memory to a combination of Retcontinence and PTSD. Mr. Weeks is in full recovery and carries out his daily routine with the assistance of common anti-anxiety medications.

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BIO: When not teaching people how to safely jump out of airplanes, Gyuss Baaltar likes hanging out at Big Monkey Comics and getting schooled on Golden Age mythos by Scipio. His random ideas can often be found at gyussbaaltar.blogspot.com where he enjoys a steady audience of 4 daily readers. Despite subjecting himself to a daily regimen of dangerous situations, Gyuss has not developed any meta-powers, yet.

Pavlov's Brian; Peter's Dirty Secret

QUAHOG, R.I. - I was sitting at my desk practicing Astral Projection when I was interrupted by the arrival Brian Griffin and his owner, Peter. The famous family pet and star of the hit reality series, Family Guy, had quite a problem and he'd heard I was the HPSIC (Head Problem Solver In Charge.) He'd heard correctly.

Luckily, for us both, Doc Samson, Dr. Katz and Dr. Harleen Quinzel were already sitting with me. (Just to clarify: I'm not crazy. It's just that, well, being in love with a superhero is hard and sometimes painful. *sob*)

Brian nodded to two of my companions; lifted an appreciative Martini glass to the third; then gave me the old 'up-down'. "You're cute," he said, "Or you would be if you were six shades lighter and blonde."

"Thank you," I replied through a tight smile—wondering how badly I could hurt him before PETA came looking. Did I mention that Harley is my friend and she'd totally help me dispose of a body. This would be an easy one—high blood alcohol levels make for great accelerates.

Doc Samson was getting antsy and kept looking at his watch. He was on borrowed time and needed to return to NY and the World War Hulk incident. So, I quickly set up the mics and asked "What exactly is your problem, Brian?"

"I... I don't know what it is," he stammered. "I just can't seem to stop barking at black people. The thug and the executive alike." He swallowed the contents of his glass with shaky paws. "Dear God", he said looking at me "I know you're not all thieves, but you're all thieves—I just know it!" Breathing heavily, he virtually sagged onto the carpet.

Peter was already on the floor making war between my fully articulated Batman and Optimus Prime figures. I think I heard him snicker, "No one with prostate cancer can beat Batman, Stupidus Slime! beh heh heh heh heh!"

Just then Doc Samson put a hand to his ear piece. "Shulkie's down," he said giving me the look. I nodded, imperceptibly. He went into what analysts call 'straight-no chaser' mode.

"Isn't it obvious, you familiar-to-a-dolt?" Doc said, crossing the room to stand arms akimbo. "It's called Conditioned Response. Ever of heard of Pavlov? Your idiot owner's heartbeat elevates, he gets sweaty, nervous; you smell fear, perceiving a threat to your meal ticket; you respond with aggression. If his reaction is the constant result of African American proximity—ta dah! Your Conditioned Response is that black people are villains, and your tiny canine brain does the rest. Dogs aren't racists. They're loyal, instinctual. The Griffins? They're philistines."

Suddenly Peter jumped to his feet, pointing at absolutely nothing and screaming, "I'll get you Man-sized Chicken!" Then he did a forward roll and dove—action hero style—through my 40-story window.

Brian produced a Cocktail Shaker out of nowhere, yeah, let's call it nowhere, and refilled his glass. "Y'know, Doc, you might have something there." He checked his wristwatch. "What say we pick this up again next week? Maybe just you and me... um, y'know, just the guys," he said, his eyes sliding my way again.

Times like those are the best reasons for learning Astral Projection.

LET'S GO TO THE VIDEO TAPE:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Y6_UKe_eaSA
http://youtube.com/watch?v=z2O3cgVJy7s

Further Reference Material: White Dog (1982)