That would the symbol for the conjoined version of Mal Duncan and Firestorm after the Zeta Beam accident...
BPD HEADQUARTERS - It's been a rough twenty year stretch for the Guardians. Although their television series Challenge Of The GoBots brought them mild notoriety, they just couldn't battle the outright awesomeness of The Transformers. Inevitably they were canned. Disheartened they retreated to That Was Yesterday, a popular Vegas dive, where they became drinking buddies with the Coreys (Feldman and Haim).
Then a few years ago inspiration struck. Leader-1 penned an ingenious script outlining a return to action for his intrepid team. Entitling it Go! GoBots! Go! he made only one mistake. He narrated the entire screenplay in the presence of slumming Decepticon, Starscream. Wasting neither time nor opportunity, Starscream used his speaker phone to conference in Michael Bay. The Transformers now had a vehicle for their comeback.
Last night, yours truly was treated to a screening of that film (heh heh heh). Which has cleverly been renamed Transformers. Having forgotten my invite to Bumblebee's Yeah Bee-otch! after party I returned to the office. Leader-1 was waiting for me.
"We've still got a chance, right? Tell me they messed up my script and now it's our turn." he begged, waving the document in question. I sighed shaking my head, "It don't look good for you, brother. It don't look good."
Transformers opens this July 4.
The holes are big, the fun is bigger. Go get some.
DESTINY'S GARDEN - Destiny of the Endless announced that he is taking off Friday, June 29, 2007. Officially nothing is fated to happen today.
"It was sort of a blank spot on the calendar, so the boss thought he might enjoy the July 4th weekend like everyone else," said Jonas Clover, Destiny's spokesman. "He might put in a couple of hours on Monday but there's not much on the docket until Thursday. So everyone can go out there and enjoy free will all they want, there won't be any counter-punch from fate."
Destiny said he was leaving his Book (believed to contain every prophecy and prediction until World's End) at the office. He added that he might do some light reading but is battling eye fatigue—many pages in his Book are faded and nearly unreadable—and he may just get chicken wings at Hooter's instead.
His siblings have not announced any vacation plans this summer, despite a highly anticipated rumor that Death may take a day off sometime soon.
Destiny artwork by Mike Dringenberg and Malcolm Jones III, all rights DC Comics
BURBANK, CA - Bawdy video production company Vapid Vixen Films announced a deal in the works with, former Fantastic Four leader, Dr. Reed Richards to star in a new series of films for international distribution. Richards, better known as "Mr. Fantastic," has been sought for years by lascivious film producers who have dreamt of the myriad possibilities presented by his unique power to stretch his body. However, up until now Richards has staunchly declined all advances.
Dr. Richards had no comment issued through his attorney, Matthew Murdock. However, industry insiders point to Richards' wife, Sue—and recent news of her deep-sea escapades—as the cause of his meltdown.
Reached at Fantastic Four headquarters Benjamin J. Grimm, the Thing, had this comment, "Youse crummy mugs oughta lay off. Stretcho went offa the deep end when he found out that Namor had hit Suzie's drawers."
Vapid Vixen Film's press release indicated that Richard's first film, tentatively titled, "They Call Me Mr. Fantastic!" is currently being scripted?
NEW YORK – After many a false start, urban legend, Haterade will finally be making its way to the market, naming Iron Man [Tony Stark] the face of the brand. Bottler Pelle Michaels—naysayer advocate and author of the bestselling book Hatin’ To Get Ahead—says Stark was an easy choice and “just stood out from the competition."
Nearly a year ago, I was called upon (in my human identity) to solve a crisis for the spy agency known as SHIELD. They placed me into a rocket vehicle and transported me to what they claimed was a dangerous super-weapon in orbit above Earth. The super-weapon was destroyed… but the superstructure did not reenter Earth’s atmosphere as promised. Instead, hyperlight engines were engaged and I was flung to a distant star system.
En route, a taped message informed me that a group of so-called heroes—Iron Man, Mr. Fantastic, Dr. Strange, and Black Bolt of the Inhumans, with the collaboration of others—had decided among themselves, without consulting any government or legal authority on Earth, to exile me from my home. They claimed that the world they had in mind was peaceful and uninhabited.
So much for good intentions and their inevitable destination.
I landed on a savage world where only my gamma-powered strength and durability allowed me to survive… and conquer. I overthrew that world’s corrupt autocracy and established the foundations for a democratic civilization. I even found love…
…and then the unstable hyperlight engines of my prison ship overloaded and exploded, killing millions and damaging (perhaps forever) Sakaar’s fragile ecosystem. With my surviving friends, the Warbound, I set about returning to Earth.
Let me say that, at a minimum, I do not return in a relaxed and friendly state of mind.
No, sadly, my return to my homeworld will be a horrifying event full of epic destruction and retribution. I do not intend to rest or relent until those responsible for my exile (and the subsequent annihilation of my adopted world of Sakaar) feel my wrath.
I’m the Hulk. I’m capable of an awful lot of wrath. And I am not alone.
On that basis, your readers may wish to evacuate the area in and around New York City as quickly as possible. A war zone is rarely a pleasant place to be.
You may wish to urge everyone to relocate west of the Mississippi River, in fact. I am contemplating a very protracted revenge.
Hulk (aka Dr Bruce Banner)
There has been some controversy over the decision of a small group (me included) to launch the Incredible Hulk on a one-way trip to a distant planet, effectively exiling him from the world of his birth. Some claim that this is inhumane and a violation of due process, as well as a violation of his civil rights.
C’mon, people, this is the frickin’ HULK we’re talking about!
Our intentions were honorable. Yes, the Hulk was once pardoned by the President of the United States for crimes committed as a rampaging green force of destruction. However, that was a long time ago. The Hulk has undergone unpredictable changes not only in his physiology but in his psychology; Dr. Leonard Samson, his long-time therapist, admitted to us that he cannot predict the Hulk’s behavior with any degree of confidence.
On that basis, we elected to transport the Hulk to a world devoid of sentient life, so that he could find the peace he claimed to want. If he wants to be left alone, why can’t we grant that wish? It is unfortunate that the ship was diverted to a world other than the one we had selected. It is equally unfortunate that the ship’s engines detonated and caused a massive loss of life. Those are failures for which we are responsible.
But we do not know the whole story; we only know what the Hulk—a creature of rage, not reason—chooses to tell us. Until such time as we can verify his claims, we remain certain that we chose the best course of action, not only for Earth but for the Hulk as well.
And if he chooses to make a war of it, the Hulk will find that we have extensive powers of our own to meet him and his “Warbound.” We suggest that he reconsider trying us on the field of battle, before there is further loss of life and property.
Iron Man (aka Tony Stark)
Link: World War Hulk news
Greetings! As always Big Mike is here to answer the burning questions of love for all the BPD readers out there. I received several comments, posing some difficult questions for this week's entry. Keep 'em coming. Someone has to solve your superhero love quandries, and it might as well be ME! To the mailbag, Robin!
Hi Mike, Like a lot of people in my industry, I recently changed my name to avoid negative publicity. But my b/f won't stop calling me "Ass-Guardian" in bed. It wouldn't be a big deal...except I'm a top. A really great top. How do I let the b/f know he's going to be the "Ass-Guardian" in the relationship?
In my experience, the only way to get treated like a top is to act like a top. Get a real code-name. Get one that's derived from the name of a feral animal or an act of violence, not some lame ass trend for live-action-role-playing dweebs. Everyone knows that role playing is to be done in one's mother's basement and there shouldn't be theater involved. At least that's what my dungeon master says. Get it together, kid. You're still young. You've got time. Don't be wimpy and emo all your life or J. Michael Strazcynski will turn you into Tony Stark's butt boy.
Yo Big Mike: I have to battle the best fighter in the province. While I'm always ready to dole out the harshness, I feel like I'm not fighting for a great reason. I'm a member of the Seven Evil Ex-Boyfriends of Ramona Flowers Union (SEERFU) not because I still like her, but because certain people (not me!) are still hung up over Ms. Uncomfortable Shoes. Unfortunately, I'm bound contractually and magically by union rules to fight this dude. How do I get out of this? I just started seeing this chick and I don't want to be C-blocked (again!) by this union of video game losers. Get out of your mama's basement and get some real afternoon delight!
Are all my fans pansies? Coins, you need to man up. I'm sure your passive nature is just a sad byproduct of your Canadian upbringing, but we can get through this. You're part of an elite brotherhood now: You're a rogue. I say, embrace it. Besides, you're fighting an unemployed quasi-musician who's known throughout the land as being a lazy freeloader... you are literally battling an embodiment of the ethos of Canada. Strike hard, young padowan, and if you get beaten down and turned into a lame ass powerup, at least you know it will be documented in black and white art that makes it impossible to tell who's who.
Big Mike, I'm suing a former lover for crimes against human rights, not to mention royally screwing over my cousin. Problem is he's an 'Iron Man' in more ways then one and I'm missing our late night jam sessions. The guy's a class A jerk! Am I a total freak or what?
You want a real Iron Man? Look under 'Big Mike' in your cell phone and ring that number, any time, day or night. As for that alcoholic crypto-fascist, I always figured he batted from the other side of the box. He always seems to be undressing Jarvis with this eyes. But seriously, girlfriend, call me. You won't be the only green girl on the block, because they'll all be green with envy at how satisfied you are. And that's the truth.
Hi Cutie, My brother Adam says you've got the goods when it comes to our kind of love. So here goes. I'm falling fast for a woman I thought was a man. An incredible man! But, I'm straight and I feel like I wasn't given a choice. Do I give it a go or shut him/her down?
I had a... uh... well... this "friend" had a similar experience. And my "friend's" advice was this: When you're short on options, you gotta do what you gotta do. You might like it. My "friend" did... not that he's, you know... that way. And not that there's anything wrong with being that way... he's just, you know... not...
Anyway, that's all the time we have for the mailbag this week. If you left a comment and didn't see a response, have no fear, all queries will be answered in due time. Remember to write Big Mike with all the deepest questions of love and he will sort it out. And remember, gang, if we don't stand up for Truth, Justice, and Sweet, Sweet Love, who will?
Hint: Curious? Click on the signature to reveal the identity.
NEW YORK - Marvel Entertainment Editor in Chief, Joe Quesada, announced that the industry giant will depart with tradition and begin making up stories next month.
Until now, comics companies have always published the real stories behind superheroes' adventures. As many fans know, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby established the original arrangement with the Fantastic Four and all other Marvel published heroes have been included via a Grandfather Clause in the contract.
"You have no idea how much we have to spend to catch up to all these guys," complains Quesada. "We've tried a variety of tactics over the years. Stan was the best at it because there were far fewer superheroes back then. You add up the costs of: keeping a tail on them to get the details of their activities, [body] cavity searches, transcription fees, jet packs, fancy time travel gizmos for missed photo ops, pensions for survivors of 'Hulk smash puny human' incidents; plus the ordinary costs of production and the most responsible thing to do—for the sake of our stockholders—was to start making stuff up."
Editorial By Sherin Nicole
Double, double toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
The bard has always been spot on. The Cauldron is exactly as he described, a bubbling pit on the seamier side of Gotham—so tricky Hell’s Kitchen calls it Momma. And then there’s Noonan’s bar, smack dab in the Cauldron’s middle and, home to the double trouble duo of Natt the Hatt and our good friend Tommy Monaghan. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen these guys but there are stories left to tell and, biographer, Garth Ennis plans to do just that in the upcoming Hitman/JLA mini-series.
I didn’t understand what ‘dregs of society’ meant until I ran up against Ennis and John McCrea’s mangled opus HITMAN. Good times. Tommy Monaghan made his premiere during the Bloodlines crossover in The Demon Annual #2. He was such a lovable rogue. Even after the Demon’s demise Ennis and McCrea continued to revisit Tommy until it just made sense to give him his own series.
With over 70 comics, lackluster sales and storylines that made you embarrass yourself in public you’d be laughing so hard, HITMAN is one my favorite reads of all time. Ennis agrees, his affection for ‘that book and those people: including Sean, Ringo and Tiegel outstrips almost everything else he’ ever worked on.’ His words. With zombie baby seals, 5 evil Nazis glued together to create one villain, a visit from Superman, romance to make you blush and high-speed action that gives way to slapstick perversion, who could doubt the love?
HITMAN is Bueno. Excellente.
Tommy Monaghan? Is great. He knows he’s done dirt and he accepts it when it bites him in the ass. In between, he does the best he can to make things the best they could be. Wow, novel concept… This coming August we’ll get to see him alongside Bats, Supes and Wonder Woman. Yeah Tommy, it’s good to have you back.
Image #1: cover Hitman #21, first published December, 1997. Image #2: Hitman/JLA cover art.
Both by John McCrea.
NIGERIA-- Vampire-killing hero Blade just can't catch a break. He had to chew off his own hand to prevent a little girl from being drained of her blood. His father's apparently a highly-connected vampire who's got Blade at the center of (another) mystical prophecy. His documentary movies have gotten progressively worse receptions at the box office, the television series didn't get picked up, and now his latest comic series has been dusted after a mere twelve issues.
And that's got actor Wesley Snipes seeing red. Blood red, to be exact.
"I'd write the $#@!ing thing myself," Snipes said from his current home in Nigeria, while he negotiates with the IRS on unpaid back taxes. "Blade said no one could play him better than I could, so why're they gettin' all these $#@!ing losers to play him like a chump?"
Blade allegedly personally picked Snipes to portray him in a series of "reality" movies documenting his career as a vampire hunter, produced by Marvel Entertainment Group. Although the first movie was a surprise hit, subsequent films received critical scorn and had deteriorating box-office returns. An attempt by filmmakers to chronicle Blade's subsequent adventures on the Spike TV network was also canceled after one season.
Snipes was highly critical of rapper/actor Kirk "Sticky Fingaz" Jones, director David Goyer's choice to succeed him as the one to portray Blade. "You see that no-account baldhead $#@!ing wannabe they got on that show?" he said at the time. "Blade doesn't even look like that! Never send a rapper to do an actor's job!"
Blade's latest comic series, written by television scribe Marc Guggenheim with art by Howard Chaykin, seemed to win support from the superhero and fan community alike. "I liked it, except for when I got turned into a vampire," said Spider-Man, whose recent encounter with Blade was documented in issue #1.
But sales dropped quickly, and even traumatic events like Blade receiving a machine gun to replace his lost hand and meetings with Wolverine and Spider-Man as a replacement for his lost hand couldn't keep fans' interest, or placate Snipes' wrath.
"They're drawing him like he's $#@!* Billy Dee Williams or some $#@!," he said. "He's got that busted Jheri Curl goin' and a %$#@! gun for a hand. A gun! His name is 'BLADE', mother%$#@!!!!"
"You wait and see. I'll get with my boy Blade and we'll do this up right. No more of this pansy-@$$ bull#$@!!"
When Snipes was asked how he, an actor with no previous experience writing comics, would handle relaunching "Blade," he became extremely belligerent. "What? Are you retarded? Don't you know who I am? I'M THE GODD@~N WESLEY SNIPES!"
Sources close to Snipes told the Bugle's Planet that Snipes wants the job to pay his back taxes, but Snipes refused to confirm the allegation.
DEEP SPACE - Feared throughout space as the "Devourer of Worlds," Galactus announced today that he is going on a diet. The cosmic entity said that his purple armor was "a bit snug" and that shedding some weight would improve his health and vitality.
Reed Richards, Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four, said, "Galactus only appears to be human to us, but weight issues are universal. He may feel that his appearance is not what he might like. It's true, even though he has the power to eat a world, he doesn't have the power to hide those love handles. My guess is that he last consumed an especially life-rich world. The effects show up on him the way wolfing down an entire banquet would show up on a supermodel."
He added, "You'd think a being on par with Eternity and Death would be past stuff like this, but he's got an ego to match his appetite. Do you know he used to have a big G on the front of his armor? I mean, really! And people think I've got a big head calling myself 'Mr. Fantastic.'"
Reaction to Galactus' news was immediate... and jubilant.
"We really thought we were next," said Ag'lyugeh, an alien from planet Xyrux 9 in the Lesser Magellanic Cloud. "Galactus' great big silver ball spaceship is heading this way, we begin shutting down our civilization... and now this! There's a party on Xyrux 9 like you wouldn't believe. Oh, we know it might only be a temporary reprieve, but we'll take what we can get, you know?" And with that, the spongy blue alien went back to dancing his ten feet off, hopeful that Galactus' diet might spare his civilization for another decade or two.
Good luck, Xyrux 9.
Galactus artwork by Andrea Di Vito, all rights Marvel Comics
HOLLYWOOD – Actor Heath Ledger has filed a restraining order against Gotham psychiatrist, Dr. Harleen Quinzel. According to Ledger, Quinzel continues to laughing-gas his security force and taunt him from his front yard with “let me in Mister J” and “aww, come on, Puddin’.” He also claims the discredited shrink rose out of his Wednesday night bubble bath like a psychotic Venus de Milo.
When confronted with Ledger’s allegations, Quinzel replied “Sure, I was there. We have an understandin,' me and Mister J. You maybe [sic] might say it’s a verbal agreement.”
Ledger admits he met Quinzel, known to friends as Harley, on the set of the upcoming Dark Knight film, Christopher Nolan's latest biopic about The Batman featuring The Joker—Harley's on and off lover. The star confirms that Quinzel expressed a deep affection for him, demanding he strap her to a rocket before being carted off by studio police. Still, he did not immediately recall the verbal agreement mentioned by the fatal femme. Moments later the Australian slapped himself on the forehead and mumbled something about a language barrier “What I told her was ‘you should stop by if you're ever, you know, not crazy.’”
Hollywood Insiders hype Quinzel’s obsession as a blunder, believing she has confused Ledger with the Clown Prince of Crime. This is a possibility as Ledger will be portraying the Joker in Dark Knight.
Harley biographer Paul Dini has a different take. “I don’t think Harley is acting on her own. Heath just isn’t her type. The way I see it the whole thing reeks of an elaborate prank and we know who does that best.” This theory may prove far more reasonable. A BPD inside source described the 'stalker act' as a ploy, designed to drive Ledger stark-raving-mad, thus inducing a truly inspired—joker—performance.
The Joker’s maniacal laughter echoed through the halls of Arkham when asked to validate or deny our information. However, his countenance dropped a full 4 inches when shown Ledger's look for the film. After pausing, seemingly perplexed, he finally intoned, “You must be joking.”
Batman: Harley Quinn art by Alex Ross.
THE WORLD - Yesterday, local frat boy, Chad "The Chipster" Harrington stumbled into a comic book store while on a hunt for a gag gift for one of his "bros."
"I was looking for a gift for one of my bros. He said something about wanting to be Superman for Halloween so, I had this really cool idea where he could wear glasses and a suit with the Superman t-shirt underneath, like he's Superman or something."
While walking through the store, "The Chipster" kept finding bits of folded colored paper, some featuring Superman. With an incredulous look, he held up one, asking, "Yo, what's this?"
The manager on duty proclaimed, "It's a comic book. It's where those movies and TV shows like "Spider-Man 3" and "Heroes" come from."
Harrington, stunned by the revelation, asked the burning question on everyone one's lips: "They still make those?!?"
The Chipster went on to explain that he used to have a "whole bunch" of comics when he was a kid but lost them when his family's basement got flooded.
The store manager, instead of taking the opportunity to show The Chipster trade paperbacks featuring his childhood faves, chose instead to try and explain the intricacies of The "616" Universe. The Chipster's eyes glazed over a bit and at times, he seemed genuinely interested up until he heard his bro, Kip "The Kipster" Pennington, blow his carhorn, playing Smashmouth's hit song, "All-Star." The Chipster suddenly remembered he could be elsewhere putting his "bros" before his "hoes."
The Chipster left the comic store without a comic book and all he got was a lousy t-shirt.
WASHINGTON, DC – What should have been a happy occasion in the U.S. Botanic Gardens went decidedly left yesterday. First, Misanthropic Miss Poison Ivy discovered her boyfriend of 4 months, Jason Holland, was not a horticulturalist as he originally claimed but actually a Florist. Ivy abhors florists. “They parade the carcasses of blossoms around as though they’ve improved on nature. Florists? Piffle. More like funeral directors.”
Even with ambivalent feelings about Holland’s dishonesty, Ivy quickly forgot and forgave upon recollection of how well he “hits the walls and works the middle.” “It’s not easy to find a man that knows his way around a g-spot,” said Ivy placing a thoughtful finger to her cheek, “but what he did next completely canceled the thrill of the sugar stick.” Holland, hugely successful from his work on high profile funerals, whipped out a flawless purple adamite box and went down on one knee. He began to “drone on” about how a rare flower deserves a rare stone, recalled Ivy. “How he’d searched ‘far and wide, finally purchasing just such a stone from [billionaire playboy] Bruce Wayne.’ Quicker then you could say Hollywood and Vine the idiot popped the damnable thing of my finger!”
All hell, quite literally, broke loose as the ‘damnable thing’ in question was a gorgeous, platinum set, 4-carat, emerald cut White Kryptonite engagement ring. “He couldn’t be like most men and buy a ring that turns your finger green! Oh no!” shrieked Ivy from her suite at the Willard.
White Kryptonite is known for killing all plant life from all worlds within a roughly 12 yard radius (somehow the adamite had kept its powers at bay). Guards at the U.S Botanic Gardens, fearing for their jobs, quickly shot Holland in the knee caps. “It’s the age of Bush," said guard Neil Adamson, “the guy had to go down and fast.”
Ivy, calling on her remaining humanity, was able to remove the ring and shove it back into its box.
Afterwards, she called a gal pal confab to vent her frustrations. Fellow BPD reporter Kat Bittner and I were two of three guests invited to Ivy’s plush hotel digs. Close personal friend Harley Quinn was also on the scene. In an effort to lighten the mood Quinn presented Ivy with Holland’s disembodied, plasticized head—which she’d cleverly turned into a orchid planter. ‘BFF love, Harley’ was scrawled across the forehead in gold metallic ink. Kat and I made our excuses deciding to get the heck out of dodge, so to speak. In the wake of our hasty departure we heard Ivy call “But we’ve got ice cream.”
We almost went back.
Poison Kiss Art by Brian Apthorp. Graphitti Designs Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy t-shirt by Bruce Timm
ATLANTIS - After decades of speculation, Namor, the Sub-Mariner, has finally broken the silence on his suspected romantic tryst with Susan Storm of the Fantastic Four.
In the interview, conducted by BPD's love correspondant, Big Mike, Namor tells all. A partial transcript of the interview is below.
Big Mike: So, Namor, now that Civil War's over and we're all pretty sure Reed Richards is an assclown, tell us what really went down with Sue.
Namor: What happened, Mike, is that I hit that. Sue came to me and asked me to join the anti-registration side, and I said 'well, Sue, what's in it for me?' Not like I had to talk her into it, though. She's been eyeing me for years.
Big Mike: This is quite a revelation. Do you think now that her marital troubles with Dr. Richards appear to be behind her that your little romantic entaglement is over?
Namor: I doubt it. The world may think that being stretchy and limp is a superpower, but that's because they haven't talked to the man's wife.
Big Mike: Ouch.
Sue Storm is not available for comment, but Franklin Richards, so-called son of a genius, is already calling for a paternity test. "Reed's a douche. I want Namor to be my dad," Franklin said.
The only member of the Fantastic Four who would speak with BPD was Ben Grimm, also known as the Thing. His response was short and to the point: "Yeah, I hit that too."
Batman Sues Miller
GOTHAM CITY (Bugle-Planet) – Papers filed today by lawyers representing the vigilante known to Gothamites as “The Batman” claim the current Justice League Member has been defamed by writer Frank Miller. The claim asserts Miller, the writer of books based on The Batman’s activities, has misrepresented The Batman, particularly in The Batman’s relationship to his young apprentice, “The Robin.”
“B--ch says I f-----g swear at motherlovin' kids,” lamented the Dark Knight, referring to Miller’s controversial All-Star Batman. Attorney for The Batman, Harvey Dent, characterized Miller’s representations of his client as “incorrigible.”
The suit, however, faces some major legal hurdles. When asked if he would testify if subpoenaed, The Batman promptly responded, “F--- no! No godd*~n way.” Dent then indicated that his client’s various duties make for a hectic schedule and that they would “assist the Court to find a mutually agreeable time for all parties –between alien invasions and the Joker’s son from a future, alternative universe plotting revenge – and make it work.” Recent appellate court rulings have held that so-called “superheroes” may testify while under a concealed identity under extreme circumstances. Those rulings have been recently liberalized by local courts such as in the case of Spider-Man Doe v. Jameson. However, should The Batman fail to testify or be deposed while the suit is ongoing, he could face criminal liability. “We don’t think it will get that far,” said Dent. “Our case is quite strong.”
Miller claims the suit lacks proper standing. “[The Batman]’s not real!” Miller screamed from his Arkham Asylum cell. Advocates for Miller claim that Miller’s writings show a “clear mental deficiency and lack of creative capacity” that would prevent Miller from mounting a proper defense.
Nevertheless, The Batman has asked for a Temporary Restraining Order to prevent Miller’s future publications regarding The Batman’s activities.
If successful, the suit could very well open the door to similar claims made by lesser-known, or “B-list” heroes, whose reputations can be hampered by their largely unknown status when confronted by salacious writing. Batman-related superhero Nightwing was quoted by onlookers as noting, “Devin Grayson, I’m f-----g coming for you.”
Brandon Keith Hallmark is an Of Counsel at Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg & Holliway and a Legal Analyst for the Bugle-Planet Daily.
Note from the publisher: We love you Frank! No, really.
All Star Batman and Robin artwork by Frank Miller, all rights reserved DC Comics
NEW YORK CITY - Maxwell Dillon, aka "Electro," was overheard complaining about his costume's aesthetic deficiencies after his most recent arrest, for shorting out part of NYC's Midtown electrical grid. Wrapped in rubber padding, following a fight with Iron Man, Dillon was bitter about his string of defeats but took a moment out to discuss his questionable taste in costumes.
EDITORIAL by Martin Bosworth
Oh, Logan, Logan, Logan. Wherefore art thou, Logan? What happened to the guy who was so terrifying that he made his hair grow at right angles out of pure fear? Where is the guy who dared to sneak cigars in under Joe Quesada's anti-smoking ban?
I don't get what's up with you, Logan. Every time I turn around lately, you're getting your butt handed to you on an Adamantium platter. If it's not your perennial slap fight partner Sabretooth making you look silly, you're getting chumped out by your own son, Daken. Seriously, take a look at this guy:
Come on. You're going to take a beatdown from a guy who looks like the result of a one-night stand between Johnny Rotten and Criss Angel? It's bad enough this guy's your kid, but he looks more likely to be the bass player for AFI than your new Big Bad.
If that's not bad enough, you've also been smacked up by your own female clone, X-23, on several occasions:
Really. Just rewind that and ponder. Your own female clone routinely messes you up with her Adamantium toenails. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
But that's not the worst of it. Nope, most recently you got gaffled by Kyle "Wild Child" Gibney. No, really, Mr. Weapon Omega himself--the guy who was most recently running around looking like Gollum and pining away for Aurora:
Yep, it's this guy, suddenly with a lot more hair, smacking you up like you stole his lunch money. Heck, you said it yourself--"I just got beat up by WILD CHILD?!"
What happened to the dude who was surviving explosions from Nitro at ground zero? Or jumping hundreds of feet from airplanes without parachutes? Oh, I know--someone stepped up and said, "We're making Wolverine too powerful!"
Maybe that's true, but there's a difference between being reasonably powered and being the chew toy for every furry with an attitude problem in the Marvel Universe. I think emo is Wolverine's weakness the way Kryptonite affects Superman--all it takes is one miserable goth kid with six-inch razor-sharp nails, and Wolvie's Adamantium backbone turns to jelly.
Come on, Logan. Get your mind right and get back in the game. Don't make me bring Hugh Jackman over there.
METROPOLIS -- It was supposed to be new in every way. A new brand of Coke, marketed by a highly popular and well-known New God, for the soda giant's "New Coke For New Earth" campaign.
But the campaign came to a quick and abrupt end with the sudden death of New God and Coke spokesman Lightray, who crashed to Earth in the center of downtown Metropolis Wednesday evening.
The cause of death for Lightray is still undetermined, but the circumstances are far more clear for the "New Coke For New Earth" campaign. "We're recalling all of our promotional materials in the wake of this tragedy," said Coke spokeswoman Dana Perino. "This unforeseen event has cast a pall over what was to be a joyous occasion. We are all New Gods now."
"I feel like someone punched me in my soul," said Bugle's Planet advice columnist Big Mike Pellegrino. "First the 'Fourth World' Omnibus doesn't come out on time, and now this? I call shenanigans."
Sources close to the scene claim that advertising executives were trying to persuade Daily Planet photographer Jimmy Olsen to sell his pictures to Coke in order to enhance the campaign. "You couldn't buy press like this!" one was heard to say.
However, stern admonishments from Metropolis' favorite son, Superman, allegedly put a stop to that. "No one profits off death on my watch," said The Man Of Steel. "Besides, how many times have I come back from the dead? He's a New God. He'll be up and around in no time."
Although Darkseid, tyrant ruler of Apokolips and enemy of the New Gods, was unavailable for comment, his spokesman Desaad provided a statement to major media outlets. "Rumors that we support the New Coke campaign due to its formula containing the Anti-Life Equation are pure hearsay and cannot be taken seriously. Allegations that the Lord of Apokolips may have had Lightray...removed...to prevent his interference should be dealt with in the court of law, not public opinion."
"I always thought Lightray was more of a Sprite guy anyway," said Daily Planet reporter Lois Lane.