This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Jun 29, 2007

Gobots' Leader-1: "I Could've Been A Contender"

BPD HEADQUARTERS - It's been a rough twenty year stretch for the Guardians. Although their television series Challenge Of The GoBots brought them mild notoriety, they just couldn't battle the outright awesomeness of The Transformers. Inevitably they were canned. Disheartened they retreated to That Was Yesterday, a popular Vegas dive, where they became drinking buddies with the Coreys (Feldman and Haim).

Then a few years ago inspiration struck. Leader-1 penned an ingenious script outlining a return to action for his intrepid team. Entitling it Go! GoBots! Go! he made only one mistake. He narrated the entire screenplay in the presence of slumming Decepticon, Starscream. Wasting neither time nor opportunity, Starscream used his speaker phone to conference in Michael Bay. The Transformers now had a vehicle for their comeback.

Last night, yours truly was treated to a screening of that film (heh heh heh). Which has cleverly been renamed Transformers. Having forgotten my invite to Bumblebee's Yeah Bee-otch! after party I returned to the office. Leader-1 was waiting for me.

"We've still got a chance, right? Tell me they messed up my script and now it's our turn." he begged, waving the document in question. I sighed shaking my head, "It don't look good for you, brother. It don't look good."

Transformers opens this July 4.
The holes are big, the fun is bigger. Go get some.

Destiny on Break, Nothing Fated to Happen Today

DESTINY'S GARDEN - Destiny of the Endless announced that he is taking off Friday, June 29, 2007. Officially nothing is fated to happen today.

"It was sort of a blank spot on the calendar, so the boss thought he might enjoy the July 4th weekend like everyone else," said Jonas Clover, Destiny's spokesman. "He might put in a couple of hours on Monday but there's not much on the docket until Thursday. So everyone can go out there and enjoy free will all they want, there won't be any counter-punch from fate."

Destiny said he was leaving his Book (believed to contain every prophecy and prediction until World's End) at the office. He added that he might do some light reading but is battling eye fatigue—many pages in his Book are faded and nearly unreadable—and he may just get chicken wings at Hooter's instead.

His siblings have not announced any vacation plans this summer, despite a highly anticipated rumor that Death may take a day off sometime soon.

Destiny artwork by Mike Dringenberg and Malcolm Jones III, all rights DC Comics

Jun 27, 2007

Crazy Person Claims Secret Identities "Not So Secret"

GOTHAM CITY - Today was a sad day for Maury Horowitz, who was committed to Arkham Asylum after decades of outrageous claims regarding the identities of certain superheroes. Horowitz, 60, claims to have an uncanny ability to discern the identities of caped and masked crusaders simply based upon their physical appearance. After prolonged sessions of therapy, medication, and even hypnosis with psychiatrist Harleen Quinzel, it was determined that Horowitz's delusions had caused him to become a danger to himself and others.

In a recent interview with reporter Jimmy Olsen, Horowitz claimed to know the identity of several heroes, including Superman and the Green Arrow. "They're the same guy!" he ranted. "Superman and that reporter guy married to Lois Lane. The only difference is the glasses! It's just a pair of glasses!" Olsen told the BPD that this was "pure hogwash" and that there is "no way" that Superman and Clark Kent are the same person. "They both happen to be close personal friends of mine," Olsen said. "I'd know if they were the same person."

On the subject of the Green Arrow, Horowitz's claims are equally outlandish. "Okay... liberal crusading mayor with blonde hair and goatee... liberal crusading superhero with blonde hair and goatee. Same city... same hair... same goatee. C'mon, people!" Arkham Asylum staff have placed Horowitz under heavy sedation in the hopes that one day his condition can be cured.

Justice League of America member Red Arrow spoke with BPD about the steps he takes to protect his identity. "Well, I wear this mask. It covers the area immediately around my eyes." When asked if he was concerned about a villain one day discovering his identity, he quickly replied, "Haven't you been reading our comic? We don't fight villains."

Kyle Rayner Verklempt Over Attention Paid Hal Jordan

BPD HEADQUARTERS - It took hours to console him—parts of which involved my hands in places I can only hope will not incur a lawsuit. Yesterday Kyle Rayner, AKA Ion, sat in my office a completely heartbroken man.

Kyle, a good friend, just needed someone to listen while he got his rant on. Dude just couldn't understand why Female Fandom loves Hal Jordan so much and he so little

"I'm sick of it. I'm not a jealous guy, but aren't I just as good as Hal? I'm cute. I'm a graphic artist. I've got stars in my aspect and in my eyes. I mean, I'm straight-up poetic!"

"Maybe you don't get hit in the head enough..." I ventured.

"I've been hit in the head," he replied vehemently "and, anyway, I found my girlfriend in the refrigerator...that's gotta be good for something. Pity. Pathos. Something!"

One can't argue with that logic.

I've got a great booty too. Look! Look, okay, now feel it." I took a quick glance around the office. Martin ducked under his desk shaking with mirth. Drew made some excuse about a toe-nail trimming appointment and ran past at the speed of sound.

Great, I thought to myself. Then I squooze his love hump. "Um, it's really nice Kyle. Really." I paused then, "But, I gotta tell you, Emo is a choice. Fight it, man. Fight it!"

"But tell me why. WWhhhyyy won't. they. love. meeee?" At this point I grew weary and elected to weep, fallaciously, for the great crushing tide of angst that gripped him. "Yes, Yes," I intoned, "you have borne the weight of persecution...You might as well be a black man...or a Jew. John Stewart ain't got nothing on you. Neither one of them." [see also Jon Stewart]

I held his head to my bosom in the effort of consolation. This seemed to calm him. Although, it is also possible he simply couldn't breathe.

Finally he looked up at me with pleading eyes "Will you call Ragnell and ask her to do a Butt Touch Comparison?"

Unable to say no I quickly agreed and encouraged him to go home. But not before handing him the box of Kleenex off my desk—in which I had slipped the business card of one Doc Samson.

Jun 25, 2007

Champions Still "Lamest" Superhero Team

Grab-bag Group Beats Great Lakes Avengers

NEW YORK - In an online reader poll, the Champions--a group that included Hercules, Black Widow, Angel, Iceman and Ghost Rider--once again took honors as the "lamest superteam," beating the Great Lakes Avengers by seven votes and the Inferior Five by 17 votes. (Note: This survey was completed before the Avengers split into the current "Mighty" and "New" teams, which may bear some watching next year.)

This team, not to be confused with the roleplaying game of the same name, formed after the breakup of the original X-Men and a roster change among the Avengers. They were funded by the Worthington family (who have sponsored superhero organizations in the past), operated in Los Angeles and fought a string of rather undistinguished villains. They had no endorsement deals of note, nor did they generate a successful line of merchandise.

Why the lameness? Opinions from experts on superhero team dynamics differ.

"The Champions had good intentions, but that's not enough," said Dr. Leonard Samson. "In this day and age, you need something that promotes a message, that says who you are and what you stand for. They never really had that."

"From a branding standpoint, it's just terrible," said gloryhound hero Booster Gold. "Using my knowledge of the future, I was able to avoid all the pitfalls they stumbled into--poor PR tactics, undeveloped media relations, no antithetical villains, no epic team-ups with higher profile heroes, the whole shebang. This is why teams need media consultants."

Even supervillains found it hard to take the Champions seriously.

"Fight the Champions? Bah! I wouldn't send the least of my Doombots to confront them," sneered Victor von Doom. "A motley collection of do-gooders, none of whom was worthy of my attention. Besides, they were in Los Angeles and that's a lot further from Latveria than New York is."

"Yes, a couple of them were original X-Men but come now, they weren't even the cool X-Men! Should the Master of Magnetism fight rabble like this? I think not," said Magneto

Even the Red Ghost and his Super-Apes declined to mix it up with the California-based heroes.

"I really thought they could go the distance," offered an anonymous artist who once worked on the group's graphical memoirs. "It was a line up with great heroes... but I guess you really need a unifying theme or concept or it all falls apart. What the heck were they championing anyway? Guess it was mediocrity."

  1. Champions
  2. Great Lakes Avengers
  3. Inferior Five
  4. Titans (not "Teen Titans")
  5. Misfits
  6. Global Guardians
  7. Extreme Justice
  8. Legion of Super-Pets

Jun 22, 2007

Salacious Film Producer Woos Mr. Fantastic

BURBANK, CA - Bawdy video production company Vapid Vixen Films announced a deal in the works with, former Fantastic Four leader, Dr. Reed Richards to star in a new series of films for international distribution. Richards, better known as "Mr. Fantastic," has been sought for years by lascivious film producers who have dreamt of the myriad possibilities presented by his unique power to stretch his body. However, up until now Richards has staunchly declined all advances.

Dr. Richards had no comment issued through his attorney, Matthew Murdock. However, industry insiders point to Richards' wife, Sue—and recent news of her deep-sea escapades—as the cause of his meltdown.

Reached at Fantastic Four headquarters Benjamin J. Grimm, the Thing, had this comment, "Youse crummy mugs oughta lay off. Stretcho went offa the deep end when he found out that Namor had hit Suzie's drawers."

Vapid Vixen Film's press release indicated that Richard's first film, tentatively titled, "They Call Me Mr. Fantastic!" is currently being scripted?

Iron Man To Endorse New Energy Drink

NEW YORK – After many a false start, urban legend, Haterade will finally be making its way to the market, naming Iron Man [Tony Stark] the face of the brand. Bottler Pelle Michaels—naysayer advocate and author of the bestselling book Hatin’ To Get Ahead—says Stark was an easy choice and “just stood out from the competition."

World renowned haters such as Bill O’Rilley and rapper 50 Centwho later bowed out due to an ironic affiliation with SmartWater—were in the running but “Iron Man is the true embodiment of what our product stands for and should be a hero to hater’s everywhere,” Michaels enthused. "What Gatorade is to the athlete, Haterade will be to the naysayer."

With the unbelievable jackassery Stark has displayed of late—pumping She-Hulk full of disempowering nanobots; shooting the Hulk into deep space; defying scores of individual human rights in his quest for a ‘Stark World Order’—it is no wonder he even beat out fellow Illuminati member Reed Richards for the prime endorsement deal. Michaels—who is also the Bizarro World counterpart of our own Big Mike Pellegrino—told BPD that Richards was a close second, but in the end “really didn’t look that great on camera. He has a limpness and flaccidity that just doesn’t bolster confidence.” [source: Namor "I Hit That"]

A full market launch is set for early spring. In the meantime, product makers will decide between taglines like “Because Subversion Is Thirsty Work,” “Bitchin’ Ain’t Easy” and “Wouldn’t You Like To Be A Jackass Too!”

Pelle Michaels’ long awaited follow up to Hatin’ To Get Ahead will drop in early July. Shipping under the title Hatin’ To Get Some Head, pre-sales look promising.

Art from New Avengers #18, by Steve McNiven.

Letters to the Editor- World War Hulk: Point-Counterpoint

Dear Editor,

Nearly a year ago, I was called upon (in my human identity) to solve a crisis for the spy agency known as SHIELD. They placed me into a rocket vehicle and transported me to what they claimed was a dangerous super-weapon in orbit above Earth. The super-weapon was destroyed… but the superstructure did not reenter Earth’s atmosphere as promised. Instead, hyperlight engines were engaged and I was flung to a distant star system.

En route, a taped message informed me that a group of so-called heroes—Iron Man, Mr. Fantastic, Dr. Strange, and Black Bolt of the Inhumans, with the collaboration of others—had decided among themselves, without consulting any government or legal authority on Earth, to exile me from my home. They claimed that the world they had in mind was peaceful and uninhabited.

So much for good intentions and their inevitable destination.

I landed on a savage world where only my gamma-powered strength and durability allowed me to survive… and conquer. I overthrew that world’s corrupt autocracy and established the foundations for a democratic civilization. I even found love…

…and then the unstable hyperlight engines of my prison ship overloaded and exploded, killing millions and damaging (perhaps forever) Sakaar’s fragile ecosystem. With my surviving friends, the Warbound, I set about returning to Earth.

Let me say that, at a minimum, I do not return in a relaxed and friendly state of mind.

No, sadly, my return to my homeworld will be a horrifying event full of epic destruction and retribution. I do not intend to rest or relent until those responsible for my exile (and the subsequent annihilation of my adopted world of Sakaar) feel my wrath.

I’m the Hulk. I’m capable of an awful lot of wrath. And I am not alone.

On that basis, your readers may wish to evacuate the area in and around New York City as quickly as possible. A war zone is rarely a pleasant place to be.

You may wish to urge everyone to relocate west of the Mississippi River, in fact. I am contemplating a very protracted revenge.

Hulk (aka Dr Bruce Banner)

Dear Editor,

There has been some controversy over the decision of a small group (me included) to launch the Incredible Hulk on a one-way trip to a distant planet, effectively exiling him from the world of his birth. Some claim that this is inhumane and a violation of due process, as well as a violation of his civil rights.

C’mon, people, this is the frickin’ HULK we’re talking about!

Our intentions were honorable. Yes, the Hulk was once pardoned by the President of the United States for crimes committed as a rampaging green force of destruction. However, that was a long time ago. The Hulk has undergone unpredictable changes not only in his physiology but in his psychology; Dr. Leonard Samson, his long-time therapist, admitted to us that he cannot predict the Hulk’s behavior with any degree of confidence.

On that basis, we elected to transport the Hulk to a world devoid of sentient life, so that he could find the peace he claimed to want. If he wants to be left alone, why can’t we grant that wish? It is unfortunate that the ship was diverted to a world other than the one we had selected. It is equally unfortunate that the ship’s engines detonated and caused a massive loss of life. Those are failures for which we are responsible.

But we do not know the whole story; we only know what the Hulk—a creature of rage, not reason—chooses to tell us. Until such time as we can verify his claims, we remain certain that we chose the best course of action, not only for Earth but for the Hulk as well.

And if he chooses to make a war of it, the Hulk will find that we have extensive powers of our own to meet him and his “Warbound.” We suggest that he reconsider trying us on the field of battle, before there is further loss of life and property.

Iron Man (aka Tony Stark)

Link: World War Hulk news

Jun 20, 2007

Mephisto Reports Soul Harvest Down 6%

Blames "Ghost
Rider" Movie

UNDERWORLD - Evil bargain-meister Mephisto reports that souls claimed as a result of "faustian bargains" has dropped six percent... and the future outlook is not encouraging.

"It's because of that d**n 'Ghost Rider' movie," Mephisto said at a press conference earlier today. "Nick Cage made me look like a punk! What, I have a kid I can't control and a bunch of souls I can't collect? I might as well be the dad in a bad sitcom. What's next, God forecloses on my corner of Hell?"

The Souls Commodity Index listed Mephisto at a year-low $3,090,000 per share in active trading yesterday (down $556k), with a steeper falloff expected with today's negative report. The Heaven Consortium shows a net $1.2M increase since yesterday, amid reports that more people have gone to heaven in the past month.

"If this keeps up, I'll have to offer serious inducements to sign on the dotted line," Mephisto said. "A heart's desire is all well and good but sometimes you need to jazz it up a little. Blackheart's got a few ideas about us offering deals online, through eBay or something. I dunno, I'll think about it. Gotta keep up with the times, you know?"

Catman Weighs In On Childhood Obesity With Reality Show

Anti-villain promises “If you survive you will be skinny”

MEDIKWE GAME PRESERVE – Catman has thrown his hat into the weight loss arena in an effort to combat childhood obesity. Failing that, America is sure to be entertained.

Tom Blake, better known as Catman, promises kids if they survive they will be skinny. “Nonprofits like Rachel Ray’s Yum-O! are noble attempts but they just aren’t practical. They don’t address the life choices that contribute to the issue. My cats and I attack this lifestyle head on and if the kid doesn’t want to be a Yum-O snack, he’ll change his ways.” Blake contends that "being hunted or starving because you can't" [hunt] will quickly change your views on food and its consumption. His reality show, Catman's Pride... or Die, runs six consecutive Tuesdays on ABC, beginning at 9 p.m. June 26.

Catman is his own best proof the program works. “Hey, I know what inadequacy and social exile feels like. I was once overweight, pathetic and miserable,” he relayed, punching the air with a finger for emphasis. “Can you image going from a Batman villain to Green Arrow’s whipping boy? C’mon, man! A Batman beat down is something serious. The Arrow--hey, I'm sure he does his best but...when a man's dignity stops speaking to him, it's time to make a change. Moving to Medikwe and living with the cats transformed me. These days you can bounce a quarter off my ass.” (In the interest of journalism this reporter tried it and can verify it. My eye is healing nicely.)

With his new anti-villain status Blake now feels extra pressure to give back. “Being a beloved villain/anti-hero comes with a different set of obligations. If I want to keep my street cred, I have to be seen walking that fine line. Is he doing good? Is he setting us up? Folks have got to be kept guessing.”

Some scoff at the show's premise "It's total 'George of the Jungle' BS," said reality show hitmaker Mark Burnett. "Having fat kids attacked by lions...? I... um... damn...that's the sh!t"

Blake says that even if Americans don't form an empathic bond with his show's lifestyle competitors, there's enough teenage angst to keep you pointing and giggling. "Plus some of the dismissals [slayings] are truly spectacular. You haven't seen good TV until you've watched a 300lb lioness run down a chunky kid from Detroit."

In the show, Blake and his personal trainer, Gail Simone, help twenty obese middle school students from the U.S. become healthy and fit. Blake calls his Pride "camp counselors" and identifies Tabby, a pregnant lioness, as an inspired motivator.

Twelve year-old Laquan Simmons lost 100 pounds on Blake’s Pride or Die plan. Although 25% of her weight-loss is due to the hunk of flesh missing from her right flank, she is still more than happy with the results. “When you feel and look this good,” said the now-agile girl showing of her six-pack abs, “who needs the extra buttock? I’m glad Tabby ripped it off. I only wish she'd stop following me around. It’s makin’ me nervous.”

Blake had a 10 percent success rate—eight if you account for Laquan's missing parts—with his first batch of campers but says that number should really be 100. “Both of the kids who survived are in fantastic shape. Plus they can climb a tree in .02 seconds. It’s 'survival of the fitness' out here, babe,” he said, voicing the show tagline with a thumbs-up and a killer smile.

art by Dale Eaglesham and Wade von Grawbadger for DC Comics

Jun 18, 2007

Truth, Justice and Sweet, Sweet Love Vol. 2

Greetings! As always Big Mike is here to answer the burning questions of love for all the BPD readers out there. I received several comments, posing some difficult questions for this week's entry. Keep 'em coming. Someone has to solve your superhero love quandries, and it might as well be ME! To the mailbag, Robin!

Hi Mike, Like a lot of people in my industry, I recently changed my name to avoid negative publicity. But my b/f won't stop calling me "Ass-Guardian" in bed. It wouldn't be a big deal...except I'm a top. A really great top. How do I let the b/f know he's going to be the "Ass-Guardian" in the relationship?

Emo Avenger


In my experience, the only way to get treated like a top is to act like a top. Get a real code-name. Get one that's derived from the name of a feral animal or an act of violence, not some lame ass trend for live-action-role-playing dweebs. Everyone knows that role playing is to be done in one's mother's basement and there shouldn't be theater involved. At least that's what my dungeon master says. Get it together, kid. You're still young. You've got time. Don't be wimpy and emo all your life or J. Michael Strazcynski will turn you into Tony Stark's butt boy.

Big Mike

Yo Big Mike: I have to battle the best fighter in the province. While I'm always ready to dole out the harshness, I feel like I'm not fighting for a great reason. I'm a member of the Seven Evil Ex-Boyfriends of Ramona Flowers Union (SEERFU) not because I still like her, but because certain people (not me!) are still hung up over Ms. Uncomfortable Shoes. Unfortunately, I'm bound contractually and magically by union rules to fight this dude. How do I get out of this? I just started seeing this chick and I don't want to be C-blocked (again!) by this union of video game losers. Get out of your mama's basement and get some real afternoon delight!

Sweet Coins

Are all my fans pansies? Coins, you need to man up. I'm sure your passive nature is just a sad byproduct of your Canadian upbringing, but we can get through this. You're part of an elite brotherhood now: You're a rogue. I say, embrace it. Besides, you're fighting an unemployed quasi-musician who's known throughout the land as being a lazy freeloader... you are literally battling an embodiment of the ethos of Canada. Strike hard, young padowan, and if you get beaten down and turned into a lame ass powerup, at least you know it will be documented in black and white art that makes it impossible to tell who's who.

Big Mike

Big Mike, I'm suing a former lover for crimes against human rights, not to mention royally screwing over my cousin. Problem is he's an 'Iron Man' in more ways then one and I'm missing our late night jam sessions. The guy's a class A jerk! Am I a total freak or what?

Jen Hulking


You want a real Iron Man? Look under 'Big Mike' in your cell phone and ring that number, any time, day or night. As for that alcoholic crypto-fascist, I always figured he batted from the other side of the box. He always seems to be undressing Jarvis with this eyes. But seriously, girlfriend, call me. You won't be the only green girl on the block, because they'll all be green with envy at how satisfied you are. And that's the truth.

Big Mike

Hi Cutie, My brother Adam says you've got the goods when it comes to our kind of love. So here goes. I'm falling fast for a woman I thought was a man. An incredible man! But, I'm straight and I feel like I wasn't given a choice. Do I give it a go or shut him/her down?

Thanks Hon,
Strictly (St)ickly


I had a... uh... well... this "friend" had a similar experience. And my "friend's" advice was this: When you're short on options, you gotta do what you gotta do. You might like it. My "friend" did... not that he's, you know... that way. And not that there's anything wrong with being that way... he's just, you know... not...

Anyway, that's all the time we have for the mailbag this week. If you left a comment and didn't see a response, have no fear, all queries will be answered in due time. Remember to write Big Mike with all the deepest questions of love and he will sort it out. And remember, gang, if we don't stand up for Truth, Justice, and Sweet, Sweet Love, who will?

Hint: Curious? Click on the signature to reveal the identity.

Bush On Plague: "No Big Deal."

WASHINGTON, DC - President George W. Bush held a press conference to address the terrible plague sweeping across the nation, seemingly reanimating the recently deceased. Though preliminary reports put the casualty toll somewhere in the low thousands, President Bush was calm, and even optimistic.

"What we got here, see, is a disease. And what do you do with a disease? You take medicine. Heh, heh. No big deal."

Needless to say, the reporters assailed the Commander-in-Chief with a million questions, wanting to know if a source of the disease was identified or a cure for those already infected. Many wanted to know what we would be done about the roaming bands of infected victims who attack at random, and for some reason are immune to normal forms of injury. Unfazed, the President continued, saying that "a plan was enacting" and people had "only fear to fear, not the disease. Just fear fear."

While the press conference was played on nearly every available television and cable station, it received the lowest ratings in TV history, due to the fact most citizens are either barricading themselves in their homes or seeking shelter in designated stadiums, military bases and other public facilities.

What few people with the courage and necessity to venture from their homes and shelters were hesitant to stop for a interview, but some were willing to have their opinions heard.

"Might be the only time I'll be in a newspaper, right? asked a man running to the Harris Teeter who refused to be named. "I don't care what Bush says. I'm scared s***less! I can't reach my bros, my lady or any of my coworkers. I'm holed up with some dudes from dodgeball and thought I'd loot-uh, obtain legally as many supplies as I could."

Blair Grimes, a survival enthusiast and volunteer firefighter, is behind President Bush 100%. "He's the Prez. What he say, goes. And you can take it to the bank and cash it for a $1.20 on the dollar, fella. I'm not worried a bit. I got my beer. I got my old dog, Peaches. And I got my Betsy. When this blows over, Bush will be running for a third term." Betsy is the name of his boomstick, just to clarify. "My cousin's a cop couple of states over and if there was a real problem, he'd call me."

Looting is up 386% since the first case of the strange disease and accidental shootings are up 219%, which is adding more infected to the growing numbers. Many people blame FEMA and the CDC for not containing this problem in the early stages and being woefully inadequate for the job of halting the spread. "Who figures a virus could bring the dead to life? It's crazy!" are the only words we were able to make out from our phone call to FEMA head Michael Brown before the line went dead.

President Bush ended the press conference by saying, "This is a time for people, American people, our-you know, everybody to come together. We can get through this. No worries." Bush was immediately rushed to the waiting Air Force Two, which lifted off three minutes after the President was abroad.

Vice President Dick Cheney, who apparently was not being airlifted, approached the podium and only said, "Uunghhh..."

Jun 15, 2007

Comics Publisher To Fabricate Stories

NEW YORK - Marvel Entertainment Editor in Chief, Joe Quesada, announced that the industry giant will depart with tradition and begin making up stories next month.

Until now, comics companies have always published the real stories behind superheroes' adventures. As many fans know, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby established the original arrangement with the Fantastic Four and all other Marvel published heroes have been included via a Grandfather Clause in the contract.

"You have no idea how much we have to spend to catch up to all these guys," complains Quesada. "We've tried a variety of tactics over the years. Stan was the best at it because there were far fewer superheroes back then. You add up the costs of: keeping a tail on them to get the details of their activities, [body] cavity searches, transcription fees, jet packs, fancy time travel gizmos for missed photo ops, pensions for survivors of 'Hulk smash puny human' incidents; plus the ordinary costs of production and the most responsible thing to do—for the sake of our stockholders—was to start making stuff up."

Fan reaction has been mixed.

Doomsday True Name Revealed,
Reputation Destroyed

METROPOLIS - Feared through our corner of the galaxy as an unstoppable killing machine, not to mention the monster who killed Superman, Doomsday's most terrible secret has come to light.

His real name is Dances With Flower Petals.

"I was really shocked to find that out," admits Superman. "I mean, it's one thing to be beaten to death by something called Doomsday, even if it was Booster Gold that named him, but...Dances With Flower Petals? That would've been embarrassing. I can't wait to tell Batman. He's gonna love this!"

Booster Gold laughed so hard he slung himself over top of Skeets, "They couldn't think of a good Kryptonian name? Kal-Kill or Bash-El?"

Cub reporter Jimmy Olsen is credited with uncovering the gray-skinned behemoth's birthname. How did he do it?

"I backtracked his path of destruction from where his cyber-crypt was buried," Olsen said. "Oddly, nobody had done that yet! And there it was, carved into the metal in Kryptonian symbols. I had STAR Labs translate and they said it reads, 'His name is Dances With Flower Petals. Do not open. He's feeling messed up about it.' I guess whoever put him in there had a thing for understatement."

Doomsday was asked for a comment (from half a star system away), "It was the Summer of Love! Everyone was calling their kid something weird! Awwww...!" upon further reflection he continued "If Jimmy Olsen ain't dead by the time I get to Earth, I'm gonna kill him myself. Slow." Rubbing his rocky jaw and cracking his poison-dripping knuckles, he added, "Being Superman's pal ain't gonna save you this time, kid."

Jimmy Olsen was characteristically undaunted by the hulking creature's threat. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'll be waiting for you...Rosie."

Doomsday art by Dan Jurgens, all rights reserved DC Comics

A Space Pirate's Bounty

HOLLYWOOD – The estate of Christopher Summers is suing the mammoth Disney corporation for royalties from the recent films ostensibly adapted from the company’s own theme park ride. Attorneys hired by the late Christopher’s son Scott Summers and his wealthy “professional” associate Emma Frost (a name as reputable in the business world as it is in fashion circles – that is to say, roughly bottom of the barrel) claim that the record-breaking Pirate blockbusters, what some have called Disney’s current saving grace in an otherwise faltering few fiscal years, have cribbed numerous characters, events, and the “general feel” of the life of buccaneer Christopher Summers – known to the many readers of Marvel Illustrated News as Corsair of the Starjammers (pirates of the cosmic seas).

The last two installments in Disney’s series, Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End, have prominently featured a Captain Davey Jones and his monstrous crew of shipmates. The Summers family claims that the idea and in some cases appearance of this crew share more than a passing resemblance to the Starjammers. The space crew has a long history of welcoming animal-human hybrids into its fold. For some time, Christopher shared a close relationship with “Catgirl” Hepzibah; while she may not have an exact duplicate in the Disney films, humanoid amphibian Ch’od would have fit right into Jones’s sea-creature entourage.

Furthermore, Emma Frost has even called Captain Jack Sparrow a “caricature of Scott’s father. Disney just accentuated his swashbuckling facial hair to a comedic degree. And what Mr. Depp likes to call a Keith Richards impression is really a crass rendition of Christopher, lacking only the kindness, nobility, and loving nature that made him respectable even in such an unseemly profession. But trust me, I know Keith Richards very well – too well – and his swagger is not nearly as sexy as Mr. Depp’s.” These potentially circumstantial connections could in fact be another example of Disney’s oft-accused (though never proven in court) trend of appropriating stories and characters and rearranging them to fit into Disney molds. See for example, the controversy over Atlantis, which some critics claim to have lifted most of its content from the Japanese docudrama Namora: The Secret of Blue Water.

Yet the connection remains tenuous in the eyes of most outside parties, and some have called the entire suit a “money-grubbing ploy” to, as one clearly sympathetic editorialist put it, “fund scientific research into the feasibility of quadruple-F breast implants and self-adhesive ‘clothing’ of microscopic sizes.” Some (more sincere) advocates of the Summers estate and their infamous allies have rallied behind the cause with little attention to its legal merit; caught on a night on the town with the Hilton sisters, Northstar was assailed by tabloid reporters begging for a comment. The Canadian mutant did not hold back: “Think of it as reparations. Whether Disney stole Corsair’s stories or not, they are a corporation built on the foundational power structure of this country that has been exploiting and demonizing mutants for decades. The Disney guys know it, they just try to hide it – why do you think they’ve kept Song of the Siryn locked up in the ‘Disney Vault’ all these years? They know their cartoons are racist, but these days they like to pretend they’ve always been about equal-opportunity family entertainment. That said, if Disney ever needs to cast their first male Princess – or Queen – call me!”

In the Big Apple’s old Mutant Town, M of the controversial X-Factor echoed Northstar’s sentiments: “I heard they’re even trying to make a big publicity deal about the first ‘Mutant-American Princess’ in their next movie. Yeah, as if Ariel was just a pretty white girl with your average birth defect. You ask anyone with some sense, that girl was either a self-loathing mutant or a grossly racist caricature of an Atlantean. Yet she remains one of Disney’s flagship cash cows. The Summers deserve every penny they can get from those *******s. I just hope the X-Men share the wealth with the rest of us (not that I need it).”

But why now – why have the Summers only spoken up in time for the third Pirates film? The estate claims that the latest installment has exploited the sensational death of pirating patriarch Christopher in order to sell tickets. The “lucky timing” of the film’s opening, coming directly on the heels of (within weeks, and according to inside studios sources on an “accelerated” track for release) has tickled many as crass. The X-Men’s Iceman offered his feelings on the matter: “Even if it wasn’t intentional, they could have at least given us time to mourn and wrap our heads around recent events, instead of just rubbing it in by exploiting imagery of the kind of swashbuckling we just lost from our real lives. There’s a sensitivity needed here that big companies like Disney just can’t fathom.”

But not all 198 mutants are rallying behind this cause. Outlaw, a mutant only tangentially associated with the X-Men “family,” saw no problem with what Disney has firmly asserted was a complete coincidence. The Texan knockout asked her fellow mutants, “Just because our favorite pirate is dead, we are all supposed forget that cute scurvy dogs like him ever existed? We should be cherishing the kind of raping and pillaging that Corsair embodied – if we just suppress it, the Shi’ar win!”

Prominent tinseltown producer Al Kraven could not muster up any sympathy for the Summers: “I don’t even see the similarities. Corsair is a space pirate. He runs with a bunch of alien refugees. His life is REAL. Have you seen any of these Caribbean movies? They have all these wooden boats – like in oceans and whirlpools and stuff – and they go around fighting skeleton ghosts and giant octopuses, octopi, whatever. It’s complete fantasy. Some people need to get a life.”

Christopher Summers will be missed by sons Scott and Alex. He was recently sent to join his wife Katherine in that great cabin in the sky at the hands of his alleged third son, Gabriel – by whom we assume he will not be missed.

Jun 13, 2007

Flash: World's Fastest Fraud?

KEYSTONE CITY - Local attorney Giuseppe James thinks famed superhero The Flash is pulling a hoax over everyone, pretending to capture criminals with powers he doesn't have.

"I've never seen him actually do anything. And if he wants to keep that museum our tax dollars pay for, he should prove he's actually doing something," James said in a press conference this afternoon. "We, the fair citizens of Keystone, owe it ourselves to get the truth."

James, a relative unknown in local politics, has caused quite a stir with his repeated assertions that The Flash is a fake. His tirades have gotten the notice of city council members, and The Flash, himself.

When asked to prove his powers, the Scarlet Speedster turned slightly, and then handed me a Gotham Gazette, the late afternoon edition which would have only been available twenty minutes before.

But Giuseppe James has heard of many of The Flash's feats, and doubts them all.

"How many times must we see guns 'mysteriously' vanish from people's hands and see this Flash 'produce' objects from thin air before we call these 'feats' what they are. Tricks. And not even elaborate ones, at that." Mr. James then seemingly caused the podium to float for a few seconds to some shock and much applause. "Now that's a trick The Flash couldn't pull off. He's a David Blaine, at best!"

Not everyone is swayed by James' speeches. Everyday Keystonians are almost unanimously on the side of their fleet-footed hero. Bobby Nesmith, an accountant and community advocate, has unwavering faith in The Flash. "He's saved this town and the worlds many times, and many times over. How anyone can doubt that is beyond me."

Rachel Grant, a bank manager for Keystone Providential, was saved by The Flash not three moths ago from a robbery gone awry by Mirror Master. "He just rushed in, and yeah he broke a few of the windows and dented the countertops, but if it wasn't for Flash, well, that green helmet freak made some offensive threats to me."

With The Flash spending much of his time dealing with catastrophes and criminals, who knows when Giuseppe's claims will be verified or dismissed. James remains resolute in his claims.

"If he's so fast, why is he so slow to respond?"


Congressional Study Finds All the Best Superheroes are Latino.

WASHINGTON (Bugle-Planet) – A report released today by the Senate Committee on Immigration, Refugees and Border Security, outlining the Committee's year-long investigation into superheroics and vigilantism, has further stirred the immigration debate. Senator Edward Kennedy (D-MA), Chairman of the Committee, announced the findings: “This report states conclusively—and I think the evidence we have is extremely strong to this fact—that all the best superheroes are latino.” [see also chicano, boriqua, brown]

The revelation sent shockwaves through the superhero community, long thought to be a white-bred industry. The report not only lists less-than-well-known superheroes such as Ricochet, Arana, runaway Victor Mancha, and the Blue Beetle, but some members of the well-known “A-list” superheroes, including Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman.

Even some members of the Committee seemed shocked by the investigation’s outcome. “When we began this investigation, I—like many of my colleagues—assumed we would find a few, hilarious but ridiculously insensitive Hispanic heros, like El Gaucho and the Conquistador,” said Ranking Republican Senator John Cornyn (TX). “But I’ll be danged if when we started looking at the evidence we didn’t begin to see a bigger picture. Invincible, the Green Lantern Ion, Wonder Woman—hell, even my good pal Superman—they’re all raven-haired latins. I don’t know how we missed it. Superman, well, he is the ultimate illegal immigrant. This happened under all our noses.”

The Committee’s contention that many well-known superheroes, long thought to be white, are in fact latino has been scrutinized by experts. However, the Committee says the evidence speaks for itself. “There have been around fifteen Robins,” says Committee Member Joe Biden (D-DE). “Clearly, they’re all coming from some large extended family. Batman must be some virile gato.” [cat]

The evidence provided by the Committee includes testimony, interviews, documentation, and in some cases even DNA. “Yes, me am certainly Latino,” stated LexCorp’s Superman clone, Bizarro, in an interview. Bizarro’s comments were reportedly translated from Bizarro-Spanish, or English. A statement released today by LexCorp strongly urges Congress to "swiftly act to deport all dangerous illegal aliens revealed by the Committee's report."

Other interviews were less startling. “Yeah, I’m latino,” revealed Invincible, son of infamous Omni-Man. “I’ve seen pictures of my mom from when she met my dad. Nobody white could wear their hair like that.” Invincible goes on to say how he recently ended his relationship with his Caucasian girlfriend for being on what’s popularly referred to as “CPT” or “Colored People Time.” When questioned by Committee Republicans as to whether he may actually be black, Invincible responded, “You vatos are muy atrasado.”

“My mom’s latino, and my dad is from Viltrum,” the interview continues. Viltrum is described as a “small Central or South American country where beans are the national dish.” A State Department taskforce has been issued to provide information about the miniscule nation to an American public that has repeatedly failed to find New York state on a map.

While the report was unanimously issued by the Committee, interpretations remain mixed. Republicans worry their constituents will be disheartened by another industry rabidly changing face due to the influx of well-endowed latinos.

Reaction by political activists has been swift. “It is indeed a travesty of justice that illegal aliens have begun to take over an iconic American industry such as vigilantism,” stated CNN-contributor Lou Dobbs. “And that the do-nothings in Washington have allowed our security to come under the influence of non-American citizens.”

“What these Mexicalies bring with them is destroying this industry,” says the Z-list hero Superpro, describing the perceived violence and sexual irresponsibility of latin heroes as subversive to traditional American values of violence and hypersexuality.

Latino activist groups have pointed to the report as being evidence of the Committee falling behind reality. Immediately upon receiving news that the best heroes are all latino, The League of United Latin American Citizens (LULAC) issued a two word statement: “Well, duh.”

“This investigation didn’t teach the American public anything they didn’t already know. We need to begin addressing the concerns of the largest minority group in America,” says LULAC President Rosa Rosales. The Mexican American Political Association joined the LULAC by issuing a similar two word statement. Unfortunately, the MAPA’s two word sentence is not printable in a family newspaper.

The report may also affect the political aspirations of presidential candidates on both sides of the isle. Committee member Joe Biden, himself a current candidate for the Democratic nomination, may find his candidacy troubled by the report’s more controversial claims as well as the fact that he would not stop commenting on Batman’s virility.

Other candidates may yet benefit from the report. “This report comes as no surprise,” says New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson (D), the only latin presidential candidate in either major political party. “When you have a disproportionate amount of young, poor latinos finding careers serving in the armed forces, a few of them are going to get superpowers. As governor of New Mexico, the birthplace of the Incredible Hulk, I have the executive experience needed to deal with both sides of the issue in a respectful but effective manner. These young people want to serve just like anyone else reaching for the American Dream. I think ultimately the country will welcome the fact that all its best superheroes are latino.”

Richardson then added, “After all, all its best presidential candidates are latino, too.”

Bugle-Planet Staff Writer Julian Caiko likes tacos and burritos. And enchiladas.

Jun 11, 2007

The Hitman Cometh

Editorial By Sherin Nicole

Double, double toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
The bard has always been spot on. The Cauldron is exactly as he described, a bubbling pit on the seamier side of Gotham—so tricky Hell’s Kitchen calls it Momma. And then there’s Noonan’s bar, smack dab in the Cauldron’s middle and, home to the double trouble duo of Natt the Hatt and our good friend Tommy Monaghan. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen these guys but there are stories left to tell and, biographer, Garth Ennis plans to do just that in the upcoming Hitman/JLA mini-series.

I didn’t understand what ‘dregs of society’ meant until I ran up against Ennis and John McCrea’s mangled opus HITMAN. Good times. Tommy Monaghan made his premiere during the Bloodlines crossover in The Demon Annual #2. He was such a lovable rogue. Even after the Demon’s demise Ennis and McCrea continued to revisit Tommy until it just made sense to give him his own series.

With over 70 comics, lackluster sales and storylines that made you embarrass yourself in public you’d be laughing so hard, HITMAN is one my favorite reads of all time. Ennis agrees, his affection for ‘that book and those people: including Sean, Ringo and Tiegel outstrips almost everything else he’ ever worked on.’ His words. With zombie baby seals, 5 evil Nazis glued together to create one villain, a visit from Superman, romance to make you blush and high-speed action that gives way to slapstick perversion, who could doubt the love?

HITMAN is Bueno. Excellente.

Tommy Monaghan? Is great. He knows he’s done dirt and he accepts it when it bites him in the ass. In between, he does the best he can to make things the best they could be. Wow, novel concept… This coming August we’ll get to see him alongside Bats, Supes and Wonder Woman. Yeah Tommy, it’s good to have you back.

Image #1: cover Hitman #21, first published December, 1997. Image #2: Hitman/JLA cover art.
Both by John McCrea.

Snipes On Blade Cancellation: "I'd Write The &%^#ing Thing Myself!"

NIGERIA-- Vampire-killing hero Blade just can't catch a break. He had to chew off his own hand to prevent a little girl from being drained of her blood. His father's apparently a highly-connected vampire who's got Blade at the center of (another) mystical prophecy. His documentary movies have gotten progressively worse receptions at the box office, the television series didn't get picked up, and now his latest comic series has been dusted after a mere twelve issues.

And that's got actor Wesley Snipes seeing red. Blood red, to be exact.

"I'd write the $#@!ing thing myself," Snipes said from his current home in Nigeria, while he negotiates with the IRS on unpaid back taxes. "Blade said no one could play him better than I could, so why're they gettin' all these $#@!ing losers to play him like a chump?"

Blade allegedly personally picked Snipes to portray him in a series of "reality" movies documenting his career as a vampire hunter, produced by Marvel Entertainment Group. Although the first movie was a surprise hit, subsequent films received critical scorn and had deteriorating box-office returns. An attempt by filmmakers to chronicle Blade's subsequent adventures on the Spike TV network was also canceled after one season.

Snipes was highly critical of rapper/actor Kirk "Sticky Fingaz" Jones, director David Goyer's choice to succeed him as the one to portray Blade. "You see that no-account baldhead $#@!ing wannabe they got on that show?" he said at the time. "Blade doesn't even look like that! Never send a rapper to do an actor's job!"

Blade's latest comic series, written by television scribe Marc Guggenheim with art by Howard Chaykin, seemed to win support from the superhero and fan community alike. "I liked it, except for when I got turned into a vampire," said Spider-Man, whose recent encounter with Blade was documented in issue #1.

But sales dropped quickly, and even traumatic events like Blade receiving a machine gun to replace his lost hand and meetings with Wolverine and Spider-Man as a replacement for his lost hand couldn't keep fans' interest, or placate Snipes' wrath.

"They're drawing him like he's $#@!* Billy Dee Williams or some $#@!," he said. "He's got that busted Jheri Curl goin' and a %$#@! gun for a hand. A gun! His name is 'BLADE', mother%$#@!!!!"

"You wait and see. I'll get with my boy Blade and we'll do this up right. No more of this pansy-@$$ bull#$@!!"

When Snipes was asked how he, an actor with no previous experience writing comics, would handle relaunching "Blade," he became extremely belligerent. "What? Are you retarded? Don't you know who I am? I'M THE GODD@~N WESLEY SNIPES!"

Sources close to Snipes told the Bugle's Planet that Snipes wants the job to pay his back taxes, but Snipes refused to confirm the allegation.

Jun 8, 2007

Galactus on Diet; Trillions of Sentients Rejoice

DEEP SPACE - Feared throughout space as the "Devourer of Worlds," Galactus announced today that he is going on a diet. The cosmic entity said that his purple armor was "a bit snug" and that shedding some weight would improve his health and vitality.

Reed Richards, Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four, said, "Galactus only appears to be human to us, but weight issues are universal. He may feel that his appearance is not what he might like. It's true, even though he has the power to eat a world, he doesn't have the power to hide those love handles. My guess is that he last consumed an especially life-rich world. The effects show up on him the way wolfing down an entire banquet would show up on a supermodel."

He added, "You'd think a being on par with Eternity and Death would be past stuff like this, but he's got an ego to match his appetite. Do you know he used to have a big G on the front of his armor? I mean, really! And people think I've got a big head calling myself 'Mr. Fantastic.'"

Reaction to Galactus' news was immediate... and jubilant.

"We really thought we were next," said Ag'lyugeh, an alien from planet Xyrux 9 in the Lesser Magellanic Cloud. "Galactus' great big silver ball spaceship is heading this way, we begin shutting down our civilization... and now this! There's a party on Xyrux 9 like you wouldn't believe. Oh, we know it might only be a temporary reprieve, but we'll take what we can get, you know?" And with that, the spongy blue alien went back to dancing his ten feet off, hopeful that Galactus' diet might spare his civilization for another decade or two.

Good luck, Xyrux 9.

Galactus artwork by Andrea Di Vito, all rights Marvel Comics

Ledger Can't Take A Joker

HOLLYWOOD – Actor Heath Ledger has filed a restraining order against Gotham psychiatrist, Dr. Harleen Quinzel. According to Ledger, Quinzel continues to laughing-gas his security force and taunt him from his front yard with “let me in Mister J” and “aww, come on, Puddin’.” He also claims the discredited shrink rose out of his Wednesday night bubble bath like a psychotic Venus de Milo.

When confronted with Ledger’s allegations, Quinzel replied “Sure, I was there. We have an understandin,' me and Mister J. You maybe [sic] might say it’s a verbal agreement.”

Ledger admits he met Quinzel, known to friends as Harley, on the set of the upcoming Dark Knight film, Christopher Nolan's latest biopic about The Batman featuring The Joker—Harley's on and off lover. The star confirms that Quinzel expressed a deep affection for him, demanding he strap her to a rocket before being carted off by studio police. Still, he did not immediately recall the verbal agreement mentioned by the fatal femme. Moments later the Australian slapped himself on the forehead and mumbled something about a language barrier “What I told her was ‘you should stop by if you're ever, you know, not crazy.’”

Hollywood Insiders hype Quinzel’s obsession as a blunder, believing she has confused Ledger with the Clown Prince of Crime. This is a possibility as Ledger will be portraying the Joker in Dark Knight.

Harley biographer Paul Dini has a different take. “I don’t think Harley is acting on her own. Heath just isn’t her type. The way I see it the whole thing reeks of an elaborate prank and we know who does that best.” This theory may prove far more reasonable. A BPD inside source described the 'stalker act' as a ploy, designed to drive Ledger stark-raving-mad, thus inducing a truly inspired—joker—performance.

The Joker’s maniacal laughter echoed through the halls of Arkham when asked to validate or deny our information. However, his countenance dropped a full 4 inches when shown Ledger's look for the film. After pausing, seemingly perplexed, he finally intoned, “You must be joking.”

Batman: Harley Quinn art by Alex Ross.

Jun 7, 2007

Poll: Petrelli Over Bauer To Protect Against Terrorism, Americans Say

NEW YORK -- A poll conducted by Bugle's Planet Daily found newly-elected Congressman Nathan Petrelli was more trusted to protect Americans from terrorism than CounterTerrorist Unit operative Jack Bauer. Petrelli won with 76 percent of the vote from respondents, to Bauer's 24.

Petrelli, who has been in seclusion since his landslide election to office, did not comment, but his mother Angela Petrelli spoke to reporters on his behalf. "Congressman Petrelli is honored to receive the honor of being named the best chance to win the war on terror," she said. "Mr. Bauer, while clearly possessing admirable credentials, simply had let too many nuclear devices explode in the country to be considered a serious contender."

Although neither Bauer nor CTU spokespeople were available for comment, unconfirmed reports claim that Bauer was heard to scream "NOOOOOOOO! DON'T DO IT!" upon news of the poll result. Bauer then apparently left CTU to sit on a beach in an undisclosed location to ponder the loss.

Although the Petrelli campaign was dogged by accusations ranging from voter fraud to an incestuous relationship between Nathan Petrelli and his brother, Peter, a registered nurse, Petrelli nonetheless came from behind for a surprising last-minute victory that cemented him as a high-flying star in New York--and American--politics.

Commenters for the poll were not shy in their support of Petrelli. "All Jack Bauer does is shoot people in the kneecaps and scream a lot," according to former policewoman Jane Vasko. "I suppose if the biggest threat to America's safety was bad knees, Bauer would've won."

"I totally go with Nathan Petrelli," wrote high school student Claire Bennett. "If there's anyone who can save the world, it's the Petrelli family."

Not everyone was quite so enthusiastic.

"I can't believe this rag supports that sissified mama's boy Peter Petrelli as a hero," wrote publisher J. Jonah Jameson. "If I see him play with those bangs one more time, I'll cut them off myself! Why does the Bugle's Planet Daily hate America?"

When informed that the poll concerned Nathan Petrelli, not Peter, Jameson said, "Hrmph. Must've confused him with Parker."

Jun 6, 2007

Frat Boy Shocked They Still Make Comics

THE WORLD - Yesterday, local frat boy, Chad "The Chipster" Harrington stumbled into a comic book store while on a hunt for a gag gift for one of his "bros."

"I was looking for a gift for one of my bros. He said something about wanting to be Superman for Halloween so, I had this really cool idea where he could wear glasses and a suit with the Superman t-shirt underneath, like he's Superman or something."

While walking through the store, "The Chipster" kept finding bits of folded colored paper, some featuring Superman. With an incredulous look, he held up one, asking, "Yo, what's this?"

The manager on duty proclaimed, "It's a comic book. It's where those movies and TV shows like "Spider-Man 3" and "Heroes" come from."

Harrington, stunned by the revelation, asked the burning question on everyone one's lips: "They still make those?!?"

The Chipster went on to explain that he used to have a "whole bunch" of comics when he was a kid but lost them when his family's basement got flooded.

The store manager, instead of taking the opportunity to show The Chipster trade paperbacks featuring his childhood faves, chose instead to try and explain the intricacies of The "616" Universe. The Chipster's eyes glazed over a bit and at times, he seemed genuinely interested up until he heard his bro, Kip "The Kipster" Pennington, blow his carhorn, playing Smashmouth's hit song, "All-Star." The Chipster suddenly remembered he could be elsewhere putting his "bros" before his "hoes."

The Chipster left the comic store without a comic book and all he got was a lousy t-shirt.

Miss Anthropic Almost
A Missus

WASHINGTON, DC – What should have been a happy occasion in the U.S. Botanic Gardens went decidedly left yesterday. First, Misanthropic Miss Poison Ivy discovered her boyfriend of 4 months, Jason Holland, was not a horticulturalist as he originally claimed but actually a Florist. Ivy abhors florists. “They parade the carcasses of blossoms around as though they’ve improved on nature. Florists? Piffle. More like funeral directors.”

Even with ambivalent feelings about Holland’s dishonesty, Ivy quickly forgot and forgave upon recollection of how well he “hits the walls and works the middle.” “It’s not easy to find a man that knows his way around a g-spot,” said Ivy placing a thoughtful finger to her cheek, “but what he did next completely canceled the thrill of the sugar stick.” Holland, hugely successful from his work on high profile funerals, whipped out a flawless purple adamite box and went down on one knee. He began to “drone on” about how a rare flower deserves a rare stone, recalled Ivy. “How he’d searched ‘far and wide, finally purchasing just such a stone from [billionaire playboy] Bruce Wayne.’ Quicker then you could say Hollywood and Vine the idiot popped the damnable thing of my finger!”

All hell, quite literally, broke loose as the ‘damnable thing’ in question was a gorgeous, platinum set, 4-carat, emerald cut White Kryptonite engagement ring. “He couldn’t be like most men and buy a ring that turns your finger green! Oh no!” shrieked Ivy from her suite at the Willard.

White Kryptonite is known for killing all plant life from all worlds within a roughly 12 yard radius (somehow the adamite had kept its powers at bay). Guards at the U.S Botanic Gardens, fearing for their jobs, quickly shot Holland in the knee caps. “It’s the age of Bush," said guard Neil Adamson, “the guy had to go down and fast.”

Ivy, calling on her remaining humanity, was able to remove the ring and shove it back into its box.

Afterwards, she called a gal pal confab to vent her frustrations. Fellow BPD reporter Kat Bittner and I were two of three guests invited to Ivy’s plush hotel digs. Close personal friend Harley Quinn was also on the scene. In an effort to lighten the mood Quinn presented Ivy with Holland’s disembodied, plasticized head—which she’d cleverly turned into a orchid planter. ‘BFF love, Harley’ was scrawled across the forehead in gold metallic ink. Kat and I made our excuses deciding to get the heck out of dodge, so to speak. In the wake of our hasty departure we heard Ivy call “But we’ve got ice cream.”

We almost went back.

Poison Kiss Art by Brian Apthorp. Graphitti Designs Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy t-shirt by Bruce Timm

Namor: 'I Hit That!'

ATLANTIS - After decades of speculation, Namor, the Sub-Mariner, has finally broken the silence on his suspected romantic tryst with Susan Storm of the Fantastic Four.

In the interview, conducted by BPD's love correspondant, Big Mike, Namor tells all. A partial transcript of the interview is below.

Big Mike: So, Namor, now that Civil War's over and we're all pretty sure Reed Richards is an assclown, tell us what really went down with Sue.

Namor: What happened, Mike, is that I hit that. Sue came to me and asked me to join the anti-registration side, and I said 'well, Sue, what's in it for me?' Not like I had to talk her into it, though. She's been eyeing me for years.

Big Mike: This is quite a revelation. Do you think now that her marital troubles with Dr. Richards appear to be behind her that your little romantic entaglement is over?

Namor: I doubt it. The world may think that being stretchy and limp is a superpower, but that's because they haven't talked to the man's wife.

Big Mike: Ouch.

Sue Storm is not available for comment, but Franklin Richards, so-called son of a genius, is already calling for a paternity test. "Reed's a douche. I want Namor to be my dad," Franklin said.

The only member of the Fantastic Four who would speak with BPD was Ben Grimm, also known as the Thing. His response was short and to the point: "Yeah, I hit that too."

Jun 5, 2007

The Godd*~n Batman Strikes Again

Batman Sues Miller
for Defamation
of Character

GOTHAM CITY (Bugle-Planet) – Papers filed today by lawyers representing the vigilante known to Gothamites as “The Batman” claim the current Justice League Member has been defamed by writer Frank Miller. The claim asserts Miller, the writer of books based on The Batman’s activities, has misrepresented The Batman, particularly in The Batman’s relationship to his young apprentice, “The Robin.”

“B--ch says I f-----g swear at motherlovin' kids,” lamented the Dark Knight, referring to Miller’s controversial All-Star Batman. Attorney for The Batman, Harvey Dent, characterized Miller’s representations of his client as “incorrigible.”

The suit, however, faces some major legal hurdles. When asked if he would testify if subpoenaed, The Batman promptly responded, “F--- no! No godd*~n way.” Dent then indicated that his client’s various duties make for a hectic schedule and that they would “assist the Court to find a mutually agreeable time for all parties –between alien invasions and the Joker’s son from a future, alternative universe plotting revenge – and make it work.” Recent appellate court rulings have held that so-called “superheroes” may testify while under a concealed identity under extreme circumstances. Those rulings have been recently liberalized by local courts such as in the case of Spider-Man Doe v. Jameson. However, should The Batman fail to testify or be deposed while the suit is ongoing, he could face criminal liability. “We don’t think it will get that far,” said Dent. “Our case is quite strong.”

Miller claims the suit lacks proper standing. “[The Batman]’s not real!” Miller screamed from his Arkham Asylum cell. Advocates for Miller claim that Miller’s writings show a “clear mental deficiency and lack of creative capacity” that would prevent Miller from mounting a proper defense.

Nevertheless, The Batman has asked for a Temporary Restraining Order to prevent Miller’s future publications regarding The Batman’s activities.

If successful, the suit could very well open the door to similar claims made by lesser-known, or “B-list” heroes, whose reputations can be hampered by their largely unknown status when confronted by salacious writing. Batman-related superhero Nightwing was quoted by onlookers as noting, “Devin Grayson, I’m f-----g coming for you.”

Brandon Keith Hallmark is an Of Counsel at Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg & Holliway and a Legal Analyst for the Bugle-Planet Daily.

Note from the publisher: We love you Frank! No, really.

All Star Batman and Robin artwork by Frank Miller, all rights reserved DC Comics

Electro: “This Costume Makes Me Look Like a Jackass!”

NEW YORK CITY - Maxwell Dillon, aka "Electro," was overheard complaining about his costume's aesthetic deficiencies after his most recent arrest, for shorting out part of NYC's Midtown electrical grid. Wrapped in rubber padding, following a fight with Iron Man, Dillon was bitter about his string of defeats but took a moment out to discuss his questionable taste in costumes.

"Bad enough I get beat-down by Spider-Man or some other costumed jerk if I show my face... but this costume-- what was I thinking? It makes me look like six feet of green and yellow ass! I can't even go through a regular door with these idiotic electro-spike things sticking out of my head. Honest, some days I really wonder why fate gave me the ability to shoot lightning."

Urged to reconsider his life of crime, if not his taste in costuming, Dillon said, "I'm gonna rethink this whole thing. Maybe I ought to try again with a new codename, y'know? I was thinking 'Captain Lightning' or something like that. Heck, a couple of us Sinister Six guys went legit for awhile, maybe I'll give it a spin too."

In the meantime, the high-voltage villain will be insulated on The Raft, awaiting trial and (God willing) a good costume designer.
Electro artwork by David Finch, all rights Marvel Comics

Wolverine: "The Best There Is"...At Getting His Butt Whupped!

EDITORIAL by Martin Bosworth

Oh, Logan, Logan, Logan. Wherefore art thou, Logan? What happened to the guy who was so terrifying that he made his hair grow at right angles out of pure fear? Where is the guy who dared to sneak cigars in under Joe Quesada's anti-smoking ban?

I don't get what's up with you, Logan. Every time I turn around lately, you're getting your butt handed to you on an Adamantium platter. If it's not your perennial slap fight partner Sabretooth making you look silly, you're getting chumped out by your own son, Daken. Seriously, take a look at this guy:

Come on. You're going to take a beatdown from a guy who looks like the result of a one-night stand between Johnny Rotten and Criss Angel? It's bad enough this guy's your kid, but he looks more likely to be the bass player for AFI than your new Big Bad.

If that's not bad enough, you've also been smacked up by your own female clone, X-23, on several occasions:

Really. Just rewind that and ponder. Your own female clone routinely messes you up with her Adamantium toenails. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

But that's not the worst of it. Nope, most recently you got gaffled by Kyle "Wild Child" Gibney. No, really, Mr. Weapon Omega himself--the guy who was most recently running around looking like Gollum and pining away for Aurora:

Yep, it's this guy, suddenly with a lot more hair, smacking you up like you stole his lunch money. Heck, you said it yourself--"I just got beat up by WILD CHILD?!"

What happened to the dude who was surviving explosions from Nitro at ground zero? Or jumping hundreds of feet from airplanes without parachutes? Oh, I know--someone stepped up and said, "We're making Wolverine too powerful!"

Maybe that's true, but there's a difference between being reasonably powered and being the chew toy for every furry with an attitude problem in the Marvel Universe. I think emo is Wolverine's weakness the way Kryptonite affects Superman--all it takes is one miserable goth kid with six-inch razor-sharp nails, and Wolvie's Adamantium backbone turns to jelly.

Come on, Logan. Get your mind right and get back in the game. Don't make me bring Hugh Jackman over there.

Jun 4, 2007

"New Coke" Marketing Campaign Aborted
After Death Of New God

METROPOLIS -- It was supposed to be new in every way. A new brand of Coke, marketed by a highly popular and well-known New God, for the soda giant's "New Coke For New Earth" campaign.

But the campaign came to a quick and abrupt end with the sudden death of New God and Coke spokesman Lightray, who crashed to Earth in the center of downtown Metropolis Wednesday evening.

The cause of death for Lightray is still undetermined, but the circumstances are far more clear for the "New Coke For New Earth" campaign. "We're recalling all of our promotional materials in the wake of this tragedy," said Coke spokeswoman Dana Perino. "This unforeseen event has cast a pall over what was to be a joyous occasion. We are all New Gods now."

"I feel like someone punched me in my soul," said Bugle's Planet advice columnist Big Mike Pellegrino. "First the 'Fourth World' Omnibus doesn't come out on time, and now this? I call shenanigans."

Sources close to the scene claim that advertising executives were trying to persuade Daily Planet photographer Jimmy Olsen to sell his pictures to Coke in order to enhance the campaign. "You couldn't buy press like this!" one was heard to say.

However, stern admonishments from Metropolis' favorite son, Superman, allegedly put a stop to that. "No one profits off death on my watch," said The Man Of Steel. "Besides, how many times have I come back from the dead? He's a New God. He'll be up and around in no time."

Although Darkseid, tyrant ruler of Apokolips and enemy of the New Gods, was unavailable for comment, his spokesman Desaad provided a statement to major media outlets. "Rumors that we support the New Coke campaign due to its formula containing the Anti-Life Equation are pure hearsay and cannot be taken seriously. Allegations that the Lord of Apokolips may have had prevent his interference should be dealt with in the court of law, not public opinion."

"I always thought Lightray was more of a Sprite guy anyway," said Daily Planet reporter Lois Lane.