Poll: Petrelli Over Bauer To Protect Against Terrorism, Americans Say

NEW YORK -- A poll conducted by Bugle's Planet Daily found newly-elected Congressman Nathan Petrelli was more trusted to protect Americans from terrorism than CounterTerrorist Unit operative Jack Bauer. Petrelli won with 76 percent of the vote from respondents, to Bauer's 24.

Petrelli, who has been in seclusion since his landslide election to office, did not comment, but his mother Angela Petrelli spoke to reporters on his behalf. "Congressman Petrelli is honored to receive the honor of being named the best chance to win the war on terror," she said. "Mr. Bauer, while clearly possessing admirable credentials, simply had let too many nuclear devices explode in the country to be considered a serious contender."

Although neither Bauer nor CTU spokespeople were available for comment, unconfirmed reports claim that Bauer was heard to scream "NOOOOOOOO! DON'T DO IT!" upon news of the poll result. Bauer then apparently left CTU to sit on a beach in an undisclosed location to ponder the loss.

Although the Petrelli campaign was dogged by accusations ranging from voter fraud to an incestuous relationship between Nathan Petrelli and his brother, Peter, a registered nurse, Petrelli nonetheless came from behind for a surprising last-minute victory that cemented him as a high-flying star in New York--and American--politics.

Commenters for the poll were not shy in their support of Petrelli. "All Jack Bauer does is shoot people in the kneecaps and scream a lot," according to former policewoman Jane Vasko. "I suppose if the biggest threat to America's safety was bad knees, Bauer would've won."

"I totally go with Nathan Petrelli," wrote high school student Claire Bennett. "If there's anyone who can save the world, it's the Petrelli family."

Not everyone was quite so enthusiastic.

"I can't believe this rag supports that sissified mama's boy Peter Petrelli as a hero," wrote publisher J. Jonah Jameson. "If I see him play with those bangs one more time, I'll cut them off myself! Why does the Bugle's Planet Daily hate America?"

When informed that the poll concerned Nathan Petrelli, not Peter, Jameson said, "Hrmph. Must've confused him with Parker."

It's Not Incest. It's Italian!

MANHATTAN - Recently, an anonymous campaign staffer from the Petrelli campaign leaked news, to BPD of a possible affair between congressional candidate Nathan Petrelli and his brother Peter.

"I always see Nathan hugging and touching Peter. He likes to put his hand on Peter’s shoulder and let it linger there," professes the staffer. "When Peter was in a coma, I accompanied Nathan to the hospital and saw him caress the guy’s cheek and then... kiss him. Those lips were on Peter way too long to be just brotherly love!" It was obvious the staffer was perturbed by the experience. “I mean I love my brother too, but all that kissing reeks of man love and southern Europe.”

"Peter's very good with his patients," comments Leslie, a coworker. "He does more hand-holding than the other nurses do."

A member of the Petrelli household staff, Rosa, comments, "I rarely see Nathan here. I assume he has a lot of fund raising and campaigning functions and doesn't want to disturb la Senorita Petrelli and the children with late nights. Instead he stays at his brother's apartment where I assume he has his own bedroom." Rosa shakes her head sadly. "Truth is I haven't seen Nathan sleep here since the time Peter disappeared. The kids miss him a lot, but between you and me I don't think la Senorita misses him as much as the kids do." Her voice lowers dramatically. "Not since the accident!"

Nathan Petrelli and his wife were involved in a near fatal collision with a truck. Mr. Petrelli was uninjured, but his wife's back injuries left her a paraplegic. "I think she blames him for it," Rosa said. Charges have been filed against the truck driver.

Noted family therapist Dr. Jennifer Melfi advises, "All the kissing, hugging, and touching are not inappropriate. It's how families in Italian cultures express their love and affection for one another. People from Europe and other parts of the world express more physical affection with their family and friends than their American counterparts. It is not uncommon for two men with a close emotional relationship to walk down the street holding hands.”

When this was pointed out to the homophobic campaign staffer, he remarked, "I still think it's inappropriate behavior. We're in America! You want Italian, eat spaghetti!"

Mr. Petrelli's released the following statement to the press, "I love my brother very much. There is no one who cares more for the city than Peter does. With the death of our father and my wife's accident, my brother has been my rock through this whole ordeal. As citizens of the greatest country in the world we must find ways to stand together rather than exploiting the differences that tear us apart. Loving relationships will be a part of that change. I intend to do my part by sharing my love often and with as many as I can. That is my promise and my duty."