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Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Jun 7, 2007

Poll: Petrelli Over Bauer To Protect Against Terrorism, Americans Say

NEW YORK -- A poll conducted by Bugle's Planet Daily found newly-elected Congressman Nathan Petrelli was more trusted to protect Americans from terrorism than CounterTerrorist Unit operative Jack Bauer. Petrelli won with 76 percent of the vote from respondents, to Bauer's 24.

Petrelli, who has been in seclusion since his landslide election to office, did not comment, but his mother Angela Petrelli spoke to reporters on his behalf. "Congressman Petrelli is honored to receive the honor of being named the best chance to win the war on terror," she said. "Mr. Bauer, while clearly possessing admirable credentials, simply had let too many nuclear devices explode in the country to be considered a serious contender."

Although neither Bauer nor CTU spokespeople were available for comment, unconfirmed reports claim that Bauer was heard to scream "NOOOOOOOO! DON'T DO IT!" upon news of the poll result. Bauer then apparently left CTU to sit on a beach in an undisclosed location to ponder the loss.

Although the Petrelli campaign was dogged by accusations ranging from voter fraud to an incestuous relationship between Nathan Petrelli and his brother, Peter, a registered nurse, Petrelli nonetheless came from behind for a surprising last-minute victory that cemented him as a high-flying star in New York--and American--politics.

Commenters for the poll were not shy in their support of Petrelli. "All Jack Bauer does is shoot people in the kneecaps and scream a lot," according to former policewoman Jane Vasko. "I suppose if the biggest threat to America's safety was bad knees, Bauer would've won."

"I totally go with Nathan Petrelli," wrote high school student Claire Bennett. "If there's anyone who can save the world, it's the Petrelli family."

Not everyone was quite so enthusiastic.

"I can't believe this rag supports that sissified mama's boy Peter Petrelli as a hero," wrote publisher J. Jonah Jameson. "If I see him play with those bangs one more time, I'll cut them off myself! Why does the Bugle's Planet Daily hate America?"

When informed that the poll concerned Nathan Petrelli, not Peter, Jameson said, "Hrmph. Must've confused him with Parker."

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