This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Jun 8, 2007

Galactus on Diet; Trillions of Sentients Rejoice

DEEP SPACE - Feared throughout space as the "Devourer of Worlds," Galactus announced today that he is going on a diet. The cosmic entity said that his purple armor was "a bit snug" and that shedding some weight would improve his health and vitality.

Reed Richards, Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four, said, "Galactus only appears to be human to us, but weight issues are universal. He may feel that his appearance is not what he might like. It's true, even though he has the power to eat a world, he doesn't have the power to hide those love handles. My guess is that he last consumed an especially life-rich world. The effects show up on him the way wolfing down an entire banquet would show up on a supermodel."

He added, "You'd think a being on par with Eternity and Death would be past stuff like this, but he's got an ego to match his appetite. Do you know he used to have a big G on the front of his armor? I mean, really! And people think I've got a big head calling myself 'Mr. Fantastic.'"

Reaction to Galactus' news was immediate... and jubilant.

"We really thought we were next," said Ag'lyugeh, an alien from planet Xyrux 9 in the Lesser Magellanic Cloud. "Galactus' great big silver ball spaceship is heading this way, we begin shutting down our civilization... and now this! There's a party on Xyrux 9 like you wouldn't believe. Oh, we know it might only be a temporary reprieve, but we'll take what we can get, you know?" And with that, the spongy blue alien went back to dancing his ten feet off, hopeful that Galactus' diet might spare his civilization for another decade or two.

Good luck, Xyrux 9.

Galactus artwork by Andrea Di Vito, all rights Marvel Comics

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