This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Jun 18, 2007

Bush On Plague: "No Big Deal."

WASHINGTON, DC - President George W. Bush held a press conference to address the terrible plague sweeping across the nation, seemingly reanimating the recently deceased. Though preliminary reports put the casualty toll somewhere in the low thousands, President Bush was calm, and even optimistic.

"What we got here, see, is a disease. And what do you do with a disease? You take medicine. Heh, heh. No big deal."

Needless to say, the reporters assailed the Commander-in-Chief with a million questions, wanting to know if a source of the disease was identified or a cure for those already infected. Many wanted to know what we would be done about the roaming bands of infected victims who attack at random, and for some reason are immune to normal forms of injury. Unfazed, the President continued, saying that "a plan was enacting" and people had "only fear to fear, not the disease. Just fear fear."

While the press conference was played on nearly every available television and cable station, it received the lowest ratings in TV history, due to the fact most citizens are either barricading themselves in their homes or seeking shelter in designated stadiums, military bases and other public facilities.

What few people with the courage and necessity to venture from their homes and shelters were hesitant to stop for a interview, but some were willing to have their opinions heard.

"Might be the only time I'll be in a newspaper, right? asked a man running to the Harris Teeter who refused to be named. "I don't care what Bush says. I'm scared s***less! I can't reach my bros, my lady or any of my coworkers. I'm holed up with some dudes from dodgeball and thought I'd loot-uh, obtain legally as many supplies as I could."

Blair Grimes, a survival enthusiast and volunteer firefighter, is behind President Bush 100%. "He's the Prez. What he say, goes. And you can take it to the bank and cash it for a $1.20 on the dollar, fella. I'm not worried a bit. I got my beer. I got my old dog, Peaches. And I got my Betsy. When this blows over, Bush will be running for a third term." Betsy is the name of his boomstick, just to clarify. "My cousin's a cop couple of states over and if there was a real problem, he'd call me."

Looting is up 386% since the first case of the strange disease and accidental shootings are up 219%, which is adding more infected to the growing numbers. Many people blame FEMA and the CDC for not containing this problem in the early stages and being woefully inadequate for the job of halting the spread. "Who figures a virus could bring the dead to life? It's crazy!" are the only words we were able to make out from our phone call to FEMA head Michael Brown before the line went dead.

President Bush ended the press conference by saying, "This is a time for people, American people, our-you know, everybody to come together. We can get through this. No worries." Bush was immediately rushed to the waiting Air Force Two, which lifted off three minutes after the President was abroad.

Vice President Dick Cheney, who apparently was not being airlifted, approached the podium and only said, "Uunghhh..."

1 comment:

ABS said...

"Also, from now on, I will now refer to the Vice President as 'Bitey.'"