INTERNET EXPLORER USERS MAY EXPERIENCE DIFFICULTY VIEWING 3RD COLUMN

This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Jun 18, 2007

Truth, Justice and Sweet, Sweet Love Vol. 2

Greetings! As always Big Mike is here to answer the burning questions of love for all the BPD readers out there. I received several comments, posing some difficult questions for this week's entry. Keep 'em coming. Someone has to solve your superhero love quandries, and it might as well be ME! To the mailbag, Robin!

Hi Mike, Like a lot of people in my industry, I recently changed my name to avoid negative publicity. But my b/f won't stop calling me "Ass-Guardian" in bed. It wouldn't be a big deal...except I'm a top. A really great top. How do I let the b/f know he's going to be the "Ass-Guardian" in the relationship?

Emo Avenger

Emo,

In my experience, the only way to get treated like a top is to act like a top. Get a real code-name. Get one that's derived from the name of a feral animal or an act of violence, not some lame ass trend for live-action-role-playing dweebs. Everyone knows that role playing is to be done in one's mother's basement and there shouldn't be theater involved. At least that's what my dungeon master says. Get it together, kid. You're still young. You've got time. Don't be wimpy and emo all your life or J. Michael Strazcynski will turn you into Tony Stark's butt boy.

Big Mike

Yo Big Mike: I have to battle the best fighter in the province. While I'm always ready to dole out the harshness, I feel like I'm not fighting for a great reason. I'm a member of the Seven Evil Ex-Boyfriends of Ramona Flowers Union (SEERFU) not because I still like her, but because certain people (not me!) are still hung up over Ms. Uncomfortable Shoes. Unfortunately, I'm bound contractually and magically by union rules to fight this dude. How do I get out of this? I just started seeing this chick and I don't want to be C-blocked (again!) by this union of video game losers. Get out of your mama's basement and get some real afternoon delight!

Signed,
Sweet Coins

Are all my fans pansies? Coins, you need to man up. I'm sure your passive nature is just a sad byproduct of your Canadian upbringing, but we can get through this. You're part of an elite brotherhood now: You're a rogue. I say, embrace it. Besides, you're fighting an unemployed quasi-musician who's known throughout the land as being a lazy freeloader... you are literally battling an embodiment of the ethos of Canada. Strike hard, young padowan, and if you get beaten down and turned into a lame ass powerup, at least you know it will be documented in black and white art that makes it impossible to tell who's who.

Big Mike

Big Mike, I'm suing a former lover for crimes against human rights, not to mention royally screwing over my cousin. Problem is he's an 'Iron Man' in more ways then one and I'm missing our late night jam sessions. The guy's a class A jerk! Am I a total freak or what?

Sincerely,
Jen Hulking

Jen,

You want a real Iron Man? Look under 'Big Mike' in your cell phone and ring that number, any time, day or night. As for that alcoholic crypto-fascist, I always figured he batted from the other side of the box. He always seems to be undressing Jarvis with this eyes. But seriously, girlfriend, call me. You won't be the only green girl on the block, because they'll all be green with envy at how satisfied you are. And that's the truth.

Big Mike

Hi Cutie, My brother Adam says you've got the goods when it comes to our kind of love. So here goes. I'm falling fast for a woman I thought was a man. An incredible man! But, I'm straight and I feel like I wasn't given a choice. Do I give it a go or shut him/her down?

Thanks Hon,
Strictly (St)ickly

SS,

I had a... uh... well... this "friend" had a similar experience. And my "friend's" advice was this: When you're short on options, you gotta do what you gotta do. You might like it. My "friend" did... not that he's, you know... that way. And not that there's anything wrong with being that way... he's just, you know... not...

Anyway, that's all the time we have for the mailbag this week. If you left a comment and didn't see a response, have no fear, all queries will be answered in due time. Remember to write Big Mike with all the deepest questions of love and he will sort it out. And remember, gang, if we don't stand up for Truth, Justice, and Sweet, Sweet Love, who will?

Hint: Curious? Click on the signature to reveal the identity.

4 comments:

Snowed Under said...

Big Mike,

Recently life—In which the raising of cubs is paramount and marriage is a lupine affair—leaves me less then whelmed.

Not to mention my prime real estate is heading south. You try nursing six little monsters while fulfilling the needs of the Big Bad.

How can I feel sexy again?

With Appreciation, Snowed Under

JLA Melt-down said...

Michael,

I love Bruce and Clark and Bruce and Clark love me. Clark and Bruce wouldn't have it any other way. So why shouldn't I call Clark and Bruce by their first names? Huh, Michael, huh?

Thanks Michael. Signed, JLA Melt-down

Anonymous said...

Big Mike

I'm in love with a Skrull. What now?

Sly Sistah said...

Big Mike,

I have a history of hooking up with multiple guys...all the wrong guys. But I never made the mistake of going all the way with any of them. Now I've met a guy I want to give it up for, but it turns out he's a robot! Or an android, or a cyborg...whatever. I don't care about the technical details except for one: does he have the right equipment to do the job? Would it be wrong to cast a spell that judges his manhood?