This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Jun 27, 2007

Crazy Person Claims Secret Identities "Not So Secret"

GOTHAM CITY - Today was a sad day for Maury Horowitz, who was committed to Arkham Asylum after decades of outrageous claims regarding the identities of certain superheroes. Horowitz, 60, claims to have an uncanny ability to discern the identities of caped and masked crusaders simply based upon their physical appearance. After prolonged sessions of therapy, medication, and even hypnosis with psychiatrist Harleen Quinzel, it was determined that Horowitz's delusions had caused him to become a danger to himself and others.

In a recent interview with reporter Jimmy Olsen, Horowitz claimed to know the identity of several heroes, including Superman and the Green Arrow. "They're the same guy!" he ranted. "Superman and that reporter guy married to Lois Lane. The only difference is the glasses! It's just a pair of glasses!" Olsen told the BPD that this was "pure hogwash" and that there is "no way" that Superman and Clark Kent are the same person. "They both happen to be close personal friends of mine," Olsen said. "I'd know if they were the same person."

On the subject of the Green Arrow, Horowitz's claims are equally outlandish. "Okay... liberal crusading mayor with blonde hair and goatee... liberal crusading superhero with blonde hair and goatee. Same city... same hair... same goatee. C'mon, people!" Arkham Asylum staff have placed Horowitz under heavy sedation in the hopes that one day his condition can be cured.

Justice League of America member Red Arrow spoke with BPD about the steps he takes to protect his identity. "Well, I wear this mask. It covers the area immediately around my eyes." When asked if he was concerned about a villain one day discovering his identity, he quickly replied, "Haven't you been reading our comic? We don't fight villains."

1 comment:

Walking through Destinys Garden said...

wait..wait..wait...someone thinks that the Justice League fights villains?

Who is this person?

I mean really...villains...