They Came From Space!

Much Better Versions of Modern Superheroes Crash in Savage Land


SAVAGE LAND - Both groups calling themselves Avengers got a nasty shock in the Savage Land last week as the investigation of a spaceship crash turned up something unimaginable. Roughly two dozen superheroes emerged from the wreck--except that these survivors seem to be a flashback to the recent past: all of them are "versions" of known superheroes from several years ago.


"It's like looking in my old photo album," said fugitive hero Spider-Man. "I mean, was I really that scrawny back in the day? Sheesh, no wonder Doc Ock used to kick my butt all the time."


Luke Cage (modern) said, "What kind of atrocious cliche is this? I never walked around saying 'Sweet Christmas'! Obviously this impostor knows nothing of my work."


Captain America (past) said, "We seem to have shown up at a bad time."


That may be the biggest understatement of the year, Cap. With the Skrulls having just taken out Iron Man (modern)... or have they?... as well as the Baxter Building, the SHIELD Helicarrier, the Raft, the Cube, and a bunch of other prominent superhero landmarks/facilities/headquarters, it seems that the arrival of a bunch of retrograde superheroes will only add to the confusion.


More news as it develops.
Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Henchmen on Strike!

GOTHAM CITY - The Union of Goons and Henchmen (UGH) has announced a general walk-out starting tomorrow at midnight.


"We've been lobbying for better pay and working conditions for awhile now," said union organizer Stooge #4 (aka Pun, aka Sudoku, aka Tabby). "We have to put up with being given silly codenames and even sillier costumes, then have to pay into our own group insurance. You think the big insurance guys want to cover the kind of injuries you get mixing it up with Batman? I don't think so!"


Supervillains across the country were outraged.


"Who's going to listen to my maniacal rants?" fumed the Joker. "It's just no fun to spew about your big plans to an empty room. If I wanted that, I could move back into my parents' basement."

There's also the issue of who will go and steal critical machinery for diabolical plots, who will construct impractical deathtraps, and who will take it on the chin while the supervillains make their timely getaways.


"You gotta understand, I got a kid going to college in two years," Stooge #4 said. "I have to provide for my family. If dressing up as a cat or calling myself Flurry #1 puts food on the table, I'll do it. But I want a little respect, you know?"

Wolfe, Lupin and Ormgud - Aftermath Cleaners Incorporated

BREAKING NEWS - BPD has unearthed a troubling conspiracy to conceal the aftermath of superhero battles.

The question was first hinted at by meta-journalist Garth Ennis in his scathing documentary The Boys, an expose of the seamier side of 'herodom' and poser of the question: After a major superhero dust-up, why are there no casualties?

Oh sure, one of the Hulks (he or She-) might lose it and bring down a town. Or there'll be some Crisis or War or criss-Crossover with a high fatality rate, but news of these tragedies always seems a means to an end. Pathos to underscore a larger point. Ennis, however, explored a more personal affect asking what would happen if your girlfriend had a head-on collision with a high-speed superhero whose only focus was saving the day? Roadkill is the kindest answer to that question. And who would clean up the mess? Wolfe Lupin and Ormgud - Aftermath Cleaners Incorporated.

Not to be confused with Damage Control, W.L.O Inc handles the more distasteful clean-up jobs that are an unavoidable result of calling in the big guns. Better yet, they make sure no one remembers a thing.

"You want the truth, do ye? Well, I'll tell ye—carnage," said Riley 'The Wolf' Wolfe. "It's awful but it's a gud days work, y'ken? We write tall tales fer families an' friends, dole out werege- uh, hush monies to survivors an' rewrite memories. Lupin, being a Nightmare, hunts and eats the more resolute memories. After that, it's down t'the zombies, but that be Ormgud's portion."

Morte Ormgud explained how the zombies work "Well, you've got all these pieces, you see, and you must be rid of them. No point leaving them in the deep freeze for authorities to discover, now is there? So the best thing is to feed them to zombies. You got to starve the zombies for a few days... then they'll go through bone like butter—so you must be wary of any Universe who keeps zombies on hand. They'll go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means a single zombie can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, 'greedy as a zombie'." [citation]

NOTE: Although we have no proof BPD suspects Mr. Ormgud's zombies have been running amok through multiple universes. Indeed, the agency's usage of time-space-dimensional skiffs and the 'misplacing' of hundreds of zombies seems to bear out our theory. [see Walking Dead, Marvel Zombies and Welcome to Tranquility]

The parasomnian Lupin seeks to shatter all illusions. "Yesss, yesss, it's quite reasonable to believe that after a hero slamsss through ssseveral buildings, throwsss a car and collapsesss a bridge that the bystandersss *ahem* will not only be breathing but break into a happy dance. Oh yesss," he intoned, "And after that we'll all sssay 'lookey, parachutesss like from GI Joe'."

Mr Wolfe expressed a concern that heroes would be seen as--well, less heroic. "Don't blame the heroes," he said. "Our orders come from a higher authority an' the heroes, poor buggers, have no idea. We blank 'em." He pulled out a cylindrical apparatus with a flashing light at one end to illustrate his point. "The only one we don't blank is Batman—y'kin guess why...identity crises and such—I hear he struggles with it. Aye, tha' greater good can really be a bitch."

Crazy Person Claims Secret Identities "Not So Secret"

GOTHAM CITY - Today was a sad day for Maury Horowitz, who was committed to Arkham Asylum after decades of outrageous claims regarding the identities of certain superheroes. Horowitz, 60, claims to have an uncanny ability to discern the identities of caped and masked crusaders simply based upon their physical appearance. After prolonged sessions of therapy, medication, and even hypnosis with psychiatrist Harleen Quinzel, it was determined that Horowitz's delusions had caused him to become a danger to himself and others.

In a recent interview with reporter Jimmy Olsen, Horowitz claimed to know the identity of several heroes, including Superman and the Green Arrow. "They're the same guy!" he ranted. "Superman and that reporter guy married to Lois Lane. The only difference is the glasses! It's just a pair of glasses!" Olsen told the BPD that this was "pure hogwash" and that there is "no way" that Superman and Clark Kent are the same person. "They both happen to be close personal friends of mine," Olsen said. "I'd know if they were the same person."

On the subject of the Green Arrow, Horowitz's claims are equally outlandish. "Okay... liberal crusading mayor with blonde hair and goatee... liberal crusading superhero with blonde hair and goatee. Same city... same hair... same goatee. C'mon, people!" Arkham Asylum staff have placed Horowitz under heavy sedation in the hopes that one day his condition can be cured.

Justice League of America member Red Arrow spoke with BPD about the steps he takes to protect his identity. "Well, I wear this mask. It covers the area immediately around my eyes." When asked if he was concerned about a villain one day discovering his identity, he quickly replied, "Haven't you been reading our comic? We don't fight villains."

Truth, Justice, and Sweet, Sweet Love

As always, resident BPD love expert Big Mike is here to chime in on the romantic triumphs and travails of our readership. Let's go straight to the mailbag, shall we?

Big Mike:

Life in politics is stressful. Add a crimefighting gig and three sidekicks to watch over and you're looking at one busy hero. So I like to blow off a little steam here and there and have a good time with some fun loving ladies. But recently... well... let's just say that it's not my arrow that's green this time around. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Itchin in Star City

Dear Itchin,

Firstly, I think you need to stop and think about the kind of example you're setting for your kids, your three sidekicks, and their kids. You're an adult and you can make your own decisions, but it sounds to me like that boxing glove isn't the only glove you need to store in your quiver. As for the itch, Batman had the same problem in the 80's after his fling with Talia. He's got a cream that works wonders. Best of luck.

-Big Mike

Dear Big Mike,

I've been putting in crazy legwork to get the friction on with this girl. The thing is that she's an alien with superpowers. Oh, and don't get me started on her cousin. I don't have superpowers or anything. And I sort of got beat up by a girl recently. My dad was kind of a loser, and I don't want to follow in his footsteps. Do I have any chance with this girl? Oh, did I mention she's 16?

Thanks,
Baby Boomer

BB,

Let me first say that you're kind of a pervert. Superpowers or not, that girl is barely old enough to drive. Guys like you belong on obscure superhero teams that no one cares about... wait a sec...

But more to the point, I'd say you probably don't have much of a chance. In my experience, when it comes to girls like this, if you're not super-intelligent, green, and from at least a thousand years in the future, you might as well be wearing a clown suit. I suggest you move on. If you like 'em young, I hear JSA headquarters is the place to be.

-Big Mike

Big Mike,

I recently had an ill-advised fling with my ex-boyfriend, Oliver. Now, I have this... itch. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Pretty Birdy

Pretty Birdy,

When will you people learn? Go see Batman. And for the love of Zeus, keep your fishnets on when you visit Star City!

-Big Mike

Well, that's it for the mailbag this week. Remember folks, it's a big scary world out there, but we heroes gotta fight the good fight for truth, justice, and sweet, sweet love.

Got a question, on super human love, for Big Mike?
Leave it in the comments section then check back to see if Big Mike has an answer!
(keep it clean or clever)