Atom Seeks Treatment for Microphobia

IVY TOWN - Rookie hero The Atom has sought treatment for a condition tentatively identified as "microphobia": the fear of tiny things. (This is not the same as "nanophobia," which is the fear of really tiny things, but is closely related.)

"I started having, well, hallucinations when I was changing size," admitted the distraught hero. "It just isn't normal to see the things I was seeing. Floating heads, colonies of aliens living on my dog, a microscopic serial killer... I mean, does this sort of thing happen to other heroes or is it only me?"

The Atom's fellow heroes noted that he has been under considerable stress for some time.

"He's had personal issues this past year--resolving some long-standing issues with his father and some past relationships," said Wonder Woman. "He just needs some time and space to sort things out. He has a warrior's heart and I'm confident he'll bounce back."

"My microscopic vision hasn't found the oddities the Atom describes, but that's his world--the microscopic world, I mean," said Superman. "Could be there are some dangers down there that we can't foresee. If the Atom has found cause to be alarmed, it would be better for the Justice League to have a plan in place." He grimaced and added, "I bet Batman already has plans for a microscopic invasion in that cave of his..."

The Atom's public statements did not address allegations of an attack by dust bunnies in a Motel6 this past week.

BPD EXPRESS: Fourth Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

The Real Shanti Virus
Senior Health Correspondent Kat Bittner has uncovered the origin of the Shanti virus. Patient Zero was not Shanti Suresh as previously conjectured. The true origin of the virus is none-other-than her younger brother Mohinder.

Upon further investigation [as shown in last week's installment of Heroes A Documentary] meta-humans [see extraordinary abilities] infected with the Shanti virus suffer the following symptoms:

• Decrease in logical thinking
• Hyper-inflated sense of self righteousness
• Bad taste in men
  

If you are a person with extraordinary abilities and are experiencing any of these symptoms please contact Monroe Memorial at 1 800 YOU'RE AN IDIOT.


Apish Behavior
Superman deported by the INS! Batman arrested for Child Endangerment! Nemesis jailed for flagrant use of Hair Pomade! Law Enforcement agencies rejoice in high-profile arrests due to pseudo-anonymous tips from contingent known only as Gorillaz Color of Mist. The group added to the chaos by releasing the following statement: "She's all ours now! (this is us laughing maniacally)"


An Ass Trumps Bush
You know Robot Chicken has corrupted your brain when you find yourself watching it on TiVo and rooting, audibly, for Paris 'V' Hilton to beat Barbara Bush down, in an oval office brawl. FIN-NISH Her!!!

Powered By N-Bomb
[The following in TV Announcer voice]
The Boondocks Animated Series! New and Improved for Season Two! And You! All the N-bombs, Now With a Point! Blacks, Negros and Coloreds everywhere rejoice! Same Great Laughter. None of the Awkward or Self-hate. Watch it today! Brought to you by an actual black, negro or colored.


This Just In...
If current trends continue the world is estimated to run out of superhero and/or villain monikers by the year--um, tomorrow. We urge you to go Green, as in lantern corps. Every little bit helps.


Best In Show
This week on, the BPD Hot Listed show, Reaper, Bert "Sock" Wysocki officially dubbed the Devil's daughter: BeelzeBabe.

Yeah, we wish we'd thought of it too.

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
Senior Corespondent KAT BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE

PLACES: Krypton

Visit Superman's Homeworld!

RAO SYSTEM - Sure, it's mostly a ring of highly radioactive debris around a middling red sun, but c'mon! This is Krypton, the homeworld of Superman himself! Not to mention the possibility of finding trinkets that survived the planet's spectacular end. Does anyone remember the Eradicator? The bottle city of Kandor? Both of them survived Krypton's explosive finale--who knows what else might be there? (Not that we want to encourage graverobbing, you understand...)


Travel can be arranged to the Krypton Belt via Brainiac Tours. Travelers are strongly advised to bring equipment and supplies for extended travel in deep space, amid radioactive asteroids. The necessary gear can be found in the current LexCorp catalog.


What will you see when you go to Krypton? Accounts vary, but most travelers report seeing a vivid green belt of rock and dust encircling the star Rao in Krypton's orbital path. Salvage operations undertaken by the Dominators, the Rannians, the Thanagarians, and other species have recovered no known examples of Kryptonian technology or samples of Kryptonian genetics; apparently Earth is the prime repository for all things Kryptonian that survived to the present time. The Daxamites (who are genetically-similar to Kryptonians) have hired L.E.G.I.O.N. and a large number of former Darkstars to establish a security cordon around the Krypton system, but permit tours under closely monitored conditions.

The largest concentration of Krypton's matter is undoubtedly "Little Krypton," a planetoid-sized accretion of rocks pulled together by residual gravity. Explorers have found vestiges of the dead world's great cities, with no fewer than six archaeological expeditions currently authorized to study the region; tourists are expected to avoid active research areas.

"Some people take the tour of Krypton expecting they'll gain some kind of superpowers," said star-hopping chauffeur Space Cabbie. "Doesn't happen that way, though. Most I've seen is this weird kind of green sunburn."


"Krypton has much to teach us about geodynamics," explained Prof. Emil Hamilton of S.T.A.R. Labs. "I would encourage all those with a deep interest in geokinetics and astrophysics to visit Krypton and see it for themselves."

Not everyone is as eager to see Krypton develop a strong tourism industry.

"All I need is a bunch of rubberneckers gawking and glomming onto chunks of my birth planet," complained Superman. "I mean, there's enough kryptonite on Earth now, you know? Now I have to figure there's a little K-rock coming home after every trip. How much of a headache is that, that Timmy the Tourist can zap me with his science fair kryptonite display? It sucks. I'm going to have to wear that damn lead suit everywhere. People are going to call me 'Leadboy' or something. Man."

Brainiac Tours and LexCorp together have pledged that ten percent of their gross profit will go into a New Krypton fund, to seek out, explore and perhaps establish a colony for Krypton's handful of survivors. "I'd like nothing better than seeing Superman on a colony world many light-years from Earth--preferably under a nice red sun," said Lex Luthor.


BPD is proud to declare Krypton our DESTINATION OF THE WEEK!

Come back next time for a destination that isn't quite so out-of-this-world.

Krypton artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Jimmy Olsen STILL Not Dead!

Metropolis Photographer Stubbornly
Refuses to Submit to Tragic Destiny

BPD WORLD HQ - Defying insistent pronouncements from the Oracular Sayings Office of DC News Worldwide, Jimmy Olsen (photographer and cub reporter for the Metropolis Daily Planet) is still not dead.

"'Jimmy Olsen must die,' yeah, I've heard it, blah blah blah," Olsen muttered. "So where's the killing? Where's the peril? I'm busy covering the hottest new hero in Metropolis- Mr. Action- and so far, I'm seeing nothin'. Nothing! Heck, my mom is in more danger crossing the street."
"I'm really at a loss to explain it," says DC News editor-in-chief Dan DiDio. "We had a 89% probability that Jimmy Olsen would be dead by now... and our top people were all saying that his death was not only going to happen but was necessary. I don't know what they meant by that, but it makes for great ad copy!"

Jimmy Olsen's pal Superman says, "No death is ever necessary. My good friend Jim is a fine photographer and an ambitious young man--but I have a hard time believing that anyone wants him dead. Besides which, they know they'd have to answer to me."

"The whole thing wouldn't bother me so much if Las Vegas weren't taking bets on when I'll be bumped off," Olsen says. "There are even side bets on who will do it! I think Darkseid is top of the list, for some reason, but if I have to go out, I sort of hope it'd be Power Girl. Can you imagine getting the Hug of Death from her? =swoon!="

Olsen's part-time paramour Lucy Lane was not amused.

More on this story as it develops.
Jimmy Olsen Must Die/Countdown artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Superboy-Prime Claims "I Was Framed!"

METROPOLIS - At a press conference today, youthful supervillain Superboy-Prime insisted he had been framed for crimes against humanity and murder.

"I never knocked Pantha's head off," he insisted. "That was cooked up on somebody's computer. I hit her, sure, but it was clearly Cyborg [Vic Stone] who decapitated her. Yeah, I did rip off Risk's arm but that was an accident. I'm sure he could regrow it or get a mechanical replacement or something--so it's really like I did him a favor."

Asked about collusion with Alexander Luthor Jr. (a dimensional counterpart of criminal mastermind/scientist Lex Luthor), he said, "I was misled by an evil genius. What, none of you were ever deceived by someone pretending to be a friend? Just 'cause I'm Kryptonian doesn't mean I don't extend trust to the wrong people sometimes. Sheesh! These questions are getting me so upset... where is Pantha? I need to kick her head into orbit!"

Asked about being seen with the Sinestro Corps, Superboy-Prime said, "I have a few new friends, what's the problem? They want to shake up the status quo a little. Nothing wrong with that. The Green Lanterns are just authoritarians who don't understand. Lock me in a green cage in Oa's sun, huh? Heh, I sure showed them. I mean, I was released from confinement once they realized the error of their ways. That's what I meant to say."

Superboy-Prime agreed that the (temporary) death of the older Superman from a parallel Earth was a tragedy but that he wasn't responsible. "He flew me through a red sun. C'mon, what am I supposed to do about that? He and the Flashes and that other Superman--you know, the impostor?--beat the stuffing out of me and I have to be okay with that? No way, pal.

"One other thing: I go by the name Superman-Prime now."

Whatever he wants to call himself, in our book, he's still a jerk.

Superboy-Prime artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Batman Dumbfounded by Surprise Party

"World's Greatest Detective" Ambushed by Friends

by Drew Bittner, Senior Gotham Correspondent

GOTHAM CITY - The Darknight Detective was caught unawares Saturday evening by a surprise party, thrown in honor of his birthday by the Justice League of America.

"I was a little surprised, yes," Batman admitted to this reporter (who was flown blindfolded into the Batcave to cover the event). "There are many security features to the cave--but they were all neatly circumvented by my friends." He suddenly frowned. "...which is unacceptable."

Hosted by Robin the Boy Wonder, partygoers included Superman, Supergirl, Green Lantern, Green Arrow and Black Canary, Hawkman and Hawkgirl, the current rosters of the JLA and Teen Titans, and several more.

"This is a great opportunity for us to get together and loosen the capes a little," Superman said. "Nobody has fun like a group of superheroes! Well, nobody but a group of supervillains, I suppose, but I've never been to one of their parties."

Booster Gold showed up late for the festivities, claiming that his robotic sidekick Skeets "forgot" to inform him of a prior commitment. "Hey, at least I got here," he said. "That's more than the Outsiders managed to do!" He was forced to retract his statement mere seconds later, having seen the new lineup of Outsiders glaring at him across the Batcave floor.

A special guest of the night was Catwoman, whose arrival provoked some controversy among the assembled heroes. A spontaneous vote was held and Catwoman was allowed to stay, with Huntress casting the deciding vote. "I just wanted to see what she'd do. That girl may be trouble but she's fun to watch!" Huntress said later.

Nightwing, Batman's former partner and the first Robin, was a notable no-show but sent a videotaped greeting to his mentor, wishing him the best and offering to watch over Gotham City any time he feels like retiring. Even though Batman laughed, it feels as though he's been around for decades, despite his having the vigor and appearance of a man barely in his thirties. How much longer will this tireless caped crusader continue to patrol the night-time streets of Gotham City?

Judging by the way he set the dance floor on fire, he'll be crimefighting for many, many years to come.

Want to know more about Batman? Visit http://www.dccomics.com/!

Batman artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Power Girl Disproves Doubters, Actually Can Cross Arms

"C'mon," Says Blogger, "Weren't You Wondering a Little?"

JUSTICE SOCIETY OF AMERICA HQ - Power Girl showed doubters and naysayers that, absolutely and without question, she is capable of folding her arms across her chest. This followed a punishing cyber-campaign that openly doubted whether the busty superheroine was, in fact, capable of such a feat.

"I know they're the subject of jokes," she said, "but I've gotten used to being well-endowed. If crossing my arms will shut up some of the nastier elements in cyberspace and give the JSA webmaster a break from spam, well, I can do that much." Heard muttering under her breath a moment later, she said, "You think Superman ever has to deal with this &#*@?"

"Never thought she'd actually do it, I mean, I'm totally ROFL!" crowed blogger SkeezyBoy7 ;], "The frackin' blogosophere rules all Superheroes and they will bend to our whims!" Asked if this wasn't a ridiculous use of the Internet, SkeezyBoy7 responded, "WTF!? you know you wanted to see this as much as I did! Now we turn our attention to Starfire and She-Hulk... ;D...Live long and prosper."

"I don't understand that mindset," Power Girl said later. "I mean, are these basement dwelling troglodytes really that fascinated by... ah, skip it. We all know the answer to that." She shook her head in evident disgust. "Pathetic."

SkeezyBoy7 had no further comment but the image has become one of the most-downloaded on the web. BPD has been informed by police that the subsequent trashing of his home, beginning with a cement truck falling on it, was purely coincidental.

Power Girl artwork by Alex Ross and Michael Turner, copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Slugfest in the BPD Offices!

Today is Not Our Day, Laments Publisher Sherin

BPD WORLD HQ - Ask most people and they'll tell you that Friday the 13th isn't really THAT unlucky a day.

They don't work for the BPD.

As this goes online, Superman and Black Adam are duking it out in our offices. Seems that our reporters scheduled interviews with the two powerhouses at the same time. Unhappily, these two have clashed often and hard lately, so there was barely time for a shouted "everybody down!" before they started throwing hypersonic fists into jaws harder than titanium.

This is really bad. We're... oh no, there goes a server! Expect outages as we... jumpin' Christmas, I'm WORKING HERE! Injury due to heat vision and lightning bolts is NOT part of my insurance package! I'm... I'm getting outta here.

If we have an office this afternoon, folks, expect to see an update.

Action Comics #831 artwork is copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Universal Soul Punch! The Mystery of 'Superman Returns' Revealed!

METROPOLIS - We've all wondered. Some of us accepted our confusion. Others ignored it. Still the question bounced around our brains like the rolling head of Pantha: Where in the film 'Superman Returns' was Superman?

Thanks to the inexhaustible efforts of the BPD team, the earth shattering answer has finally come to light.

But...let us begin at the beginning.

Superman Returns writer/director Bryan Singer originally wanted Superman to play himself in this latest biopic. Not only would this ease the budget for flying, heat-vision and other CG effects but also seriously curtail letters from irate fanboys.

After months of phone calls and gifts the Man of Steel firmly declined; stating not only his dislike of the limelight, but prior commitments to a perpetual stream of crises. Undaunted Singer searched the globe for a suitable metahuman stand-in.

No one on earth was man enough to portray America's favorite boyscout.

Undaunted Singer turned to the Multiverse. Great idea. His first stop: Earth Prime. Awww Dayum.

You guessed it. The actor we've come to know as Brandon Routh is none other than a masquerading Superboy-Prime. The infamous Boy Whiner has pulled off a nearly undetectable fraud. One complete with an acting career RetConned by a Parthenon of Hollywood demigods.

No wonder he was more peeping tom than global guardian.

The inexplicable crash landing on Ma Kent's farm? That SBP, he's such a scamp!

His screams of "I'm still Superman!" during a beat down—suddenly make sense.

No wonder he floated above New Earth like 'The Passion Of The Clark.' He's Superboy-Prime and he needs us to need him.

So breathe easy world, it was just SBP perpetrating a great big ole whammy. Our Man Of Steel remains untarnished and I, for one, will sleep a whole lot better tonight.

Crazy Person Claims Secret Identities "Not So Secret"

GOTHAM CITY - Today was a sad day for Maury Horowitz, who was committed to Arkham Asylum after decades of outrageous claims regarding the identities of certain superheroes. Horowitz, 60, claims to have an uncanny ability to discern the identities of caped and masked crusaders simply based upon their physical appearance. After prolonged sessions of therapy, medication, and even hypnosis with psychiatrist Harleen Quinzel, it was determined that Horowitz's delusions had caused him to become a danger to himself and others.

In a recent interview with reporter Jimmy Olsen, Horowitz claimed to know the identity of several heroes, including Superman and the Green Arrow. "They're the same guy!" he ranted. "Superman and that reporter guy married to Lois Lane. The only difference is the glasses! It's just a pair of glasses!" Olsen told the BPD that this was "pure hogwash" and that there is "no way" that Superman and Clark Kent are the same person. "They both happen to be close personal friends of mine," Olsen said. "I'd know if they were the same person."

On the subject of the Green Arrow, Horowitz's claims are equally outlandish. "Okay... liberal crusading mayor with blonde hair and goatee... liberal crusading superhero with blonde hair and goatee. Same city... same hair... same goatee. C'mon, people!" Arkham Asylum staff have placed Horowitz under heavy sedation in the hopes that one day his condition can be cured.

Justice League of America member Red Arrow spoke with BPD about the steps he takes to protect his identity. "Well, I wear this mask. It covers the area immediately around my eyes." When asked if he was concerned about a villain one day discovering his identity, he quickly replied, "Haven't you been reading our comic? We don't fight villains."

Doomsday True Name Revealed, Reputation Destroyed

METROPOLIS - Feared through our corner of the galaxy as an unstoppable killing machine, not to mention the monster who killed Superman, Doomsday's most terrible secret has come to light.

His real name is Dances With Flower Petals.

"I was really shocked to find that out," admits Superman. "I mean, it's one thing to be beaten to death by something called Doomsday, even if it was Booster Gold that named him, but...Dances With Flower Petals? That would've been embarrassing. I can't wait to tell Batman. He's gonna love this!"

Booster Gold laughed so hard he slung himself over top of Skeets, "They couldn't think of a good Kryptonian name? Kal-Kill or Bash-El?"

Cub reporter Jimmy Olsen is credited with uncovering the gray-skinned behemoth's birthname. How did he do it?

"I backtracked his path of destruction from where his cyber-crypt was buried," Olsen said. "Oddly, nobody had done that yet! And there it was, carved into the metal in Kryptonian symbols. I had STAR Labs translate and they said it reads, 'His name is Dances With Flower Petals. Do not open. He's feeling messed up about it.' I guess whoever put him in there had a thing for understatement."

Doomsday was asked for a comment (from half a star system away), "It was the Summer of Love! Everyone was calling their kid something weird! Awwww...!" upon further reflection he continued "If Jimmy Olsen ain't dead by the time I get to Earth, I'm gonna kill him myself. Slow." Rubbing his rocky jaw and cracking his poison-dripping knuckles, he added, "Being Superman's pal ain't gonna save you this time, kid."

Jimmy Olsen was characteristically undaunted by the hulking creature's threat. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'll be waiting for you...Rosie."

Doomsday art by Dan Jurgens, all rights reserved DC Comics

"New Coke" Marketing Campaign Aborted After Death Of New God

METROPOLIS -- It was supposed to be new in every way. A new brand of Coke, marketed by a highly popular and well-known New God, for the soda giant's "New Coke For New Earth" campaign.

But the campaign came to a quick and abrupt end with the sudden death of New God and Coke spokesman Lightray, who crashed to Earth in the center of downtown Metropolis Wednesday evening.

The cause of death for Lightray is still undetermined, but the circumstances are far more clear for the "New Coke For New Earth" campaign. "We're recalling all of our promotional materials in the wake of this tragedy," said Coke spokeswoman Dana Perino. "This unforeseen event has cast a pall over what was to be a joyous occasion. We are all New Gods now."

"I feel like someone punched me in my soul," said Bugle's Planet advice columnist Big Mike Pellegrino. "First the 'Fourth World' Omnibus doesn't come out on time, and now this? I call shenanigans."

Sources close to the scene claim that advertising executives were trying to persuade Daily Planet photographer Jimmy Olsen to sell his pictures to Coke in order to enhance the campaign. "You couldn't buy press like this!" one was heard to say.

However, stern admonishments from Metropolis' favorite son, Superman, allegedly put a stop to that. "No one profits off death on my watch," said The Man Of Steel. "Besides, how many times have I come back from the dead? He's a New God. He'll be up and around in no time."

Although Darkseid, tyrant ruler of Apokolips and enemy of the New Gods, was unavailable for comment, his spokesman Desaad provided a statement to major media outlets. "Rumors that we support the New Coke campaign due to its formula containing the Anti-Life Equation are pure hearsay and cannot be taken seriously. Allegations that the Lord of Apokolips may have had Lightray...removed...to prevent his interference should be dealt with in the court of law, not public opinion."

"I always thought Lightray was more of a Sprite guy anyway," said Daily Planet reporter Lois Lane.

Luthor Makes Stunning Announcement

METROPOLIS – (LexCorp) In a 4 am press conference Lex Luthor released the stunning revelation that he is of African ancestry. “I am indeed a black man,” stated Luthor, resplendent in a three-piece Oswald Boateng. “Why so few of you have figured this out is quite beyond comprehension. Take note of the baldhead, incredible physique, broad shoulders and full lips. What else would I be?”

The mogul and man of science went on to say the accuracy of recent depictions—featured in dramatic reenactments such as Superman: The Animated series and Justice League Unlimited—have affirmed his belief the US is ready to accept his true nature. “I am the scion of Anton Wilhelm Amo on my father’s side and Aleksandr Pushkin on my mother’s. While Europe has long since accepted excellence from people of color, America still gives a brother a hard way to go.”

According to Luther, his desire to protect top hero, Superman, furthered the denial of his heritage. “I did not wish legions of Americans to become disillusioned. Even now I'll show détente and say the man-of-steel has...shall we say issues? Yes, we'll call them issues.” The follicle-challenged sultan of cool continued “Of course Superman knew my secret. How else would one explain his ceaseless persecution? Attacks on my personage and business dealings?” In an aside, Luthor hinted Superman’s issues might also stem from a need to throw the government 'off the scent' of his own illegal alien status. “Smoke and mirrors, friends. Smoke and mirrors.”

When asked about the red hue of his missing hair Luther lifted an eyebrow in apparent disdain. “Have you never seen The Five Heartbeats or heard of Malcolm X?”

News of Luthor’s admission spread through Metropolis like wildfire. On a short drive from LexCorp to the local KFC he was stopped, no less than, three times and issued DWB citations. An eyewitness report says Luthor pulled away from one officer while holding a black-fist out the window of his limousine and blaring Fight The Power by Public Enemy.

In related news: Panthro of the Thundercats, J’onn J’onzz the Martian Manhunter and Carol Channing, also black.

In other news: Lex Luthor vies with Bill Clinton for the title
'First Black President' Read more