RetCon Wars: Continuity Conflict

SUICIDE SLUM - One fateful night, while evading Jack of the Royal Flush Gang, (and tossing a marked deck into the sewer) this reporter stumbled onto an unprecedented scene. A space-time rift opened, blue-white light shining from a vortex seven feet high. From the rift came a red-haired man dressed in a gray prison jumpsuit. He barely had a second to compose himself before another, heavier, balder man appeared wearing a fine Armani suit.

"Hey, I'm free," the redhead exclaimed. "The dimensional ripper I made in the prison science lab worked!" The well dressed man jerked the other around, yelling, "What's the meaning of this, convict? I was in the middle of "acquiring" a new firm before I was yanked from the water boarding. You shall have two minutes before I have you liquidated."

Standing face-to-face underneath a lamppost, the two men seemed to notice the same thing I did. Besides the extra pounds and years on the tailored suit man, they were the same man. "You idiot! Your "ripper" pulled us both into yet another dimension." The red-haired man sent his older self flying with a right cross. "Don't matter to me; I'm still out of prison." He moved in to repeatedly kick the older man in the ribs. "No one cages Alexei Luthor!"

A shot rang out and the red haired man crumpled. A man stepped out of the darkness and shot the fatter man while he was still cringing on the ground. "Never know when you will need a corpse of yourself," he commented seemingly to himself, whipping out two bodybags from a satchel. "I suggest you leave, young man. Jack and Ace are just around the corner."

I can't say for certain which Lex Luthor (Forbes ranked) walked out of the alley that night, but I'll be skeptical of any news of Luthor's demise from now on.

PLACES: Krypton

Visit Superman's Homeworld!

RAO SYSTEM - Sure, it's mostly a ring of highly radioactive debris around a middling red sun, but c'mon! This is Krypton, the homeworld of Superman himself! Not to mention the possibility of finding trinkets that survived the planet's spectacular end. Does anyone remember the Eradicator? The bottle city of Kandor? Both of them survived Krypton's explosive finale--who knows what else might be there? (Not that we want to encourage graverobbing, you understand...)


Travel can be arranged to the Krypton Belt via Brainiac Tours. Travelers are strongly advised to bring equipment and supplies for extended travel in deep space, amid radioactive asteroids. The necessary gear can be found in the current LexCorp catalog.


What will you see when you go to Krypton? Accounts vary, but most travelers report seeing a vivid green belt of rock and dust encircling the star Rao in Krypton's orbital path. Salvage operations undertaken by the Dominators, the Rannians, the Thanagarians, and other species have recovered no known examples of Kryptonian technology or samples of Kryptonian genetics; apparently Earth is the prime repository for all things Kryptonian that survived to the present time. The Daxamites (who are genetically-similar to Kryptonians) have hired L.E.G.I.O.N. and a large number of former Darkstars to establish a security cordon around the Krypton system, but permit tours under closely monitored conditions.

The largest concentration of Krypton's matter is undoubtedly "Little Krypton," a planetoid-sized accretion of rocks pulled together by residual gravity. Explorers have found vestiges of the dead world's great cities, with no fewer than six archaeological expeditions currently authorized to study the region; tourists are expected to avoid active research areas.

"Some people take the tour of Krypton expecting they'll gain some kind of superpowers," said star-hopping chauffeur Space Cabbie. "Doesn't happen that way, though. Most I've seen is this weird kind of green sunburn."


"Krypton has much to teach us about geodynamics," explained Prof. Emil Hamilton of S.T.A.R. Labs. "I would encourage all those with a deep interest in geokinetics and astrophysics to visit Krypton and see it for themselves."

Not everyone is as eager to see Krypton develop a strong tourism industry.

"All I need is a bunch of rubberneckers gawking and glomming onto chunks of my birth planet," complained Superman. "I mean, there's enough kryptonite on Earth now, you know? Now I have to figure there's a little K-rock coming home after every trip. How much of a headache is that, that Timmy the Tourist can zap me with his science fair kryptonite display? It sucks. I'm going to have to wear that damn lead suit everywhere. People are going to call me 'Leadboy' or something. Man."

Brainiac Tours and LexCorp together have pledged that ten percent of their gross profit will go into a New Krypton fund, to seek out, explore and perhaps establish a colony for Krypton's handful of survivors. "I'd like nothing better than seeing Superman on a colony world many light-years from Earth--preferably under a nice red sun," said Lex Luthor.


BPD is proud to declare Krypton our DESTINATION OF THE WEEK!

Come back next time for a destination that isn't quite so out-of-this-world.

Krypton artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

"...And Then I Woke Up Chinese" *Dun Dun Duhhh* Lex Luthor Unleashes the MinoriBeam!

Caution: This post must be read in an As-Seen-On-TV style, or if you prefer, try 1950's Television Announcer.
*







Lex! Luthor! Unleashes The, unbeatable, MinoriBeam®! Alabaster Folks Git Scarit!

Angry over lack of support for his new blackness, Lex Luthor created the MinoriBeam®! beam beam beam. Experience the slings and arrows of melanin enriched life! Lex Luthor says now!

*





You didn't know? You better ask somebody. Super—heroes and villains, everywhere are turning up colored: Lois Lane, The Punisher, Kingpin, Catwoman, Superboy-Prime prime prime prime.

Prime says "..And then I woke up Chinese." Vixen says "You're not Chinese. You're Japanese." It doesn't matter! He's been hit by the MinoriBeam®! beam beam beam.

Luthor calls it wicked, wacky fun! Booster Gold turns up Indian. Can't stop singing and dancing. Takes tech-support calls during battle! He's been hit by the MinoriBeam®! beam beam beam.

But wait! No one is safe. Even those who check 'other' on government forms are being affected. During a tussle with Superboy-Prime, Vixen, of the JLA, caught a ricochet off his pseudo-Monitor suit. Now she's Maori or Samoan. We can't quite tell!

Storm, of the X-Men, has never 'acted black.' She now says things like 'Jive Turkey' and 'Wuzzup little bitches!'

Couldn't tell Jubilee was Asian? You can now! She's been hit by the MinoriBeam®! beam beam beam.

Prime says "I can't stop eating Dim Sum!" Vixen says "That's sushi you idiot!" IT DOESN'T MATTER! They've been hit by the MinoriBeam®! beam beam beam.

[*feminine discomfort voice*]
The Minoribeam! Now in an exciting line of T-shirts!
Five Fantastic Flavors Featuring:

Black - Don't Clutch Yo' Purse Lady! I've Just Been Hit By The MinoriBeam®.

Cream - I Can't Do Your Taxes! I'm A Victim of The MinoriBeam®.

Brown - I'm Not Your Gardner! I Got Roshambo'd By The MinoriBeam®.

Red - Me No Whumpum' Squaw! It Was The MinoriBeam®.

Yellow - My Eyes No Do This Naturarree! I've Been Hit By The MinoriBeam®.

Protect yourself from arrest today!


* IMAGES LEFT TO RIGHT: Vixen, Superboy-Prime, Punisher, Lois Lane, Kingpin, Catwoman, Lex Luthor, Jubilee

SPECIAL THANKS TO: The Absorbascon and Chris's Invincible Super-Blog for the linked blog entries

This advertisement made possible by a grant from: JAMES 'Why Yes, That Is My Real Name' RAMBO and KATHERINE 'More Stylish Than Jackie-O' BITTNER

Luthor Makes Stunning Announcement

METROPOLIS – (LexCorp) In a 4 am press conference Lex Luthor released the stunning revelation that he is of African ancestry. “I am indeed a black man,” stated Luthor, resplendent in a three-piece Oswald Boateng. “Why so few of you have figured this out is quite beyond comprehension. Take note of the baldhead, incredible physique, broad shoulders and full lips. What else would I be?”

The mogul and man of science went on to say the accuracy of recent depictions—featured in dramatic reenactments such as Superman: The Animated series and Justice League Unlimited—have affirmed his belief the US is ready to accept his true nature. “I am the scion of Anton Wilhelm Amo on my father’s side and Aleksandr Pushkin on my mother’s. While Europe has long since accepted excellence from people of color, America still gives a brother a hard way to go.”

According to Luther, his desire to protect top hero, Superman, furthered the denial of his heritage. “I did not wish legions of Americans to become disillusioned. Even now I'll show détente and say the man-of-steel has...shall we say issues? Yes, we'll call them issues.” The follicle-challenged sultan of cool continued “Of course Superman knew my secret. How else would one explain his ceaseless persecution? Attacks on my personage and business dealings?” In an aside, Luthor hinted Superman’s issues might also stem from a need to throw the government 'off the scent' of his own illegal alien status. “Smoke and mirrors, friends. Smoke and mirrors.”

When asked about the red hue of his missing hair Luther lifted an eyebrow in apparent disdain. “Have you never seen The Five Heartbeats or heard of Malcolm X?”

News of Luthor’s admission spread through Metropolis like wildfire. On a short drive from LexCorp to the local KFC he was stopped, no less than, three times and issued DWB citations. An eyewitness report says Luthor pulled away from one officer while holding a black-fist out the window of his limousine and blaring Fight The Power by Public Enemy.

In related news: Panthro of the Thundercats, J’onn J’onzz the Martian Manhunter and Carol Channing, also black.

In other news: Lex Luthor vies with Bill Clinton for the title
'First Black President' Read more