This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Dec 31, 2008

The Real Scott Pilgrim Found in DC Comic Bookstore

Scott Pilgrim makes the move to DC, manages Fantom Comics.
Any one with information leading to his apprehension prior to film production should contact Edgar Wright. Please? Seriously. Please.

Sep 5, 2008

Did you think we were gone?

No. We're not gone.
(Makes you wonder what we're up to, doesn't it?)

Jun 29, 2008

Michael Turner Achieves Immortality

CULVER CITY, CA. - Artist Michael Turner, founder of Aspen Studios, achieved immortality as of June 28. Accompanied by Fathom, Soulfire, Lara Croft (Tomb Raider) and Sara Pezzini (aka Witchblade), he was escorted to a higher plane following a long battle with cancer.

Turner achieved fame with his work at Top Cow Studios, creating the definitive look of several female characters. He has long been considered one of the industry's best artists, particularly for drawing beautiful women.

Fans of his work are urged to donate to the American Cancer Society or to the Make-a-Wish Foundation in his name. Cards and letters may be sent to:
Aspen MLT, Inc.
c/o Michael Turner
5855 Green Valley Circle, Suite 111
Culver City, CA, 90230

The thoughts and prayers of the BPD staff are with his family, friends and co-workers.

Jun 8, 2008

Ask the Question!

Word on the street is that there's an all-new Question running around Gotham, working glove-in-glove with a nasty group of religious fanatics. We at BPD were naturally a little concerned, so we went out to bring you this installment of Ask the Question. This time, it's BPD's turn.

BPD: Good evening, Question.
Q: Hurm.

BPD: You okay?
Q: Yeah. Had a frog in my throat.

BPD: We heard that your recent investigation into a certain nefarious book led in some unexpected directions.
Q: You might say that. I was trying to find out more about the Crime Bible. This is a work that, depending on who you ask, is either an ancient collection of prophecies and tales of Cain--or a batch of ravings from a crackpot. Depends on what you believe.

Except I don't operate on belief--I have to know.

BPD: So what did you find? Is the Crime Bible for real?
Q: ...yes.

BPD: Should we be frightened by that?
Q: If you'd asked me last year, I would have said yes. Now... well, I'm doing all I can to defuse the Crime Bible's most horrifying prophecies. It's a herculean task, because any one thing I do may precipitate or fulfill a prophecy, rather than negating it. The more I know, the more dangerous my actions might be. Needless to say, I'm having some trouble sleeping.

BPD: What about this (for lack of a better word) cult, the Dark Faith?
Q: They're a factor in this situation. Let's just say that I'm keeping my friends at arm's length and my enemies close.

BPD: Anything else coming up?
Q: Yes. A recent meeting with an old colleague turned up some very interesting information. Your readers should keep their eyes open and prepare themselves--events are starting to spiral out of anyone's control.

BPD: Is there anything that can be done about that?
Q: Good question.

Thanks to The Question for this little Q&A. We'll revive ASK THE QUESTION as a regular feature as soon as things start getting back to normal. Till then...

-Your Loyal BPD Staff
Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Interview with Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk

BPD was lucky to land an exclusive interview with Dr. Robert Bruce Banner and his alter-ego, the Incredible Hulk. The upcoming film by Louis Leterrier stars Edward Norton as the gamma-irradiated scientist; Banner assented to doing publicity for the movie as "community service" for the recent World War Hulk debacle.

BPD: Dr. Banner, what did you think of the movie?
BANNER: Oh, you know, they got some things right but this is Hollywood. They couldn't do the real origin, with the gamma bomb and all-- times are different and all that.

HULK: Puny humans afraid of puny human lawyers! =Ahem= That is, gamma bomb testing has been outlawed by international treaty since 1972. Using that as an element of my genesis might be seen as needlessly provocative or, worse, make this movie into a period piece.

BPD: I see. Hulk, what did you think of the movie?
HULK: Deconstructing the classic elements of forgiveness, redemption and the fruitless seeking of power, be it knowledge or brute force... I'd see it again. At full price.
BANNER: He's only saying that because I'm the one who pays for the ticket. Hulk doesn't carry cash.
HULK: You think I need to?
(At this point, the Hulk grew even larger and stronger. Tranquilizing gas was pumped into his cell.)
HULK: RAHRR! Hulk smash puny ticket machine!
(The Hulk's rage subsided after a long, hushed but angry exchange between Hulk and Banner.)

BPD: Moving on... Edward Norton plays you, Dr. Banner, and Liv Tyler plays Betty Ross in the movie. What did you think of their performances?
BANNER: Edward Norton is a tremendous actor, as is Liv Tyler. Meeting them was a real pleasure, albeit one that took place with several inches of bulletproof glass between us. That was an insurance necessity, I've been told.
HULK: Would've been nice to at least get a picture with them.
BANNER: Don't sulk, Hulk. Anyway, I think they captured the struggles Betty and I faced over the years. It was never easy.
HULK: You can say that again. When I think of all the garbage we had to put up with...

BPD: Calm down, Hulk, please.
HULK: I mean it really gets me ticked off, you know?

BPD: What about William Hurt as General Ross?
BANNER (fuming): Thunderbolt Ross is a jerk. And you can quote me in big bold letters.
HULK: No comment. But William Hurt is a wonderful fellow. Loved him in A History of Violence. Heh... what a great pun.

BPD: The movie also features one of your most powerful enemies, the Abomination.
BANNER: Yes. Tim Roth hung out in my incarceration unit a lot before and during filming--even asked for one of his own, for awhile--to "get inside" being a gamma mutate. I guess that's his method.
HULK (snorting): Method. Yeah, right.
BANNER: At least he still writes.
HULK: Whatever. They got the ears wrong. A-bomb has those funky batwing ears. I'm not making that up! Totally left those out of the movie.

BPD: What about the fight scenes? They look pretty good.
BANNER: More fun to watch them than to live them.
HULK: What would YOU know about it, puny Banner? GRAHRR!
Hulk smash Bat-Wing Ears!
=cough cough= That is, I've batttled the Abomination repeatedly and found him a challenging opponent. The movie represents that very adequately.

BPD: Have they discussed making a sequel yet? There are at least two major plot threads left hanging at the end of this movie...
HULK: Nothing has been discussed. Perhaps after the opening returns come in and they see if they have a hit. IRON MAN set a very high bar for us. Did you know Robert Downey Jr. is in this movie as that gold-plated double-crosser? Ooh, thinking about Tony Stark gets me so mad...
(The Hulk reverts to his savage persona once again.)
BANNER: =sigh= I thought we'd worked all this out in therapy...
HULK: Hulk have issues.

And with that, we close this interview. Thanks to the fine folks in the US Army Public Relations Division, Marvel News and Universal Studios for their help with this article.

Artwork copyright Marvel Studios and Universal Studios, all rights reserved.

Jun 2, 2008

A New God... Dead?

WYCKO, MN. - Citizens of this far-northern farming community were simultaneously proud and dismayed to find that a New God had chosen their home when it came his time to die. Identified as Stellar (a previously unknown and unworshipped New God), the dying super-entity's final words were (to paraphrase) "damn this sucks" and "dying... me! I'm a friggin' New God!"

"We didn't know what to make of it," said Heinz "Handy" Ostrobeck, a local farmer and merchant. "He was dying for what must've been half an hour out in Clancy Bright's field over there. Yelling and cursing and carrying on. I was tempted to take my old shotgun and just end it for him, you know? Our kids don't need to hear some space freak making a fuss like that."

The residents of Wycko had heard rumors that "some of them superfolk were getting killed off," Ostrobeck said, but "that's so far away from here, we didn't think it mattered much to us. Then this goofball from space shows up and dies and we're in the papers."

Reminded that the New Gods had, in fact, been getting murdered over the past year, Ostrobeck shrugged. "I can't expect to keep up with all them big city doings," he said. "When Superman dies again, let me know. Otherwise I'll just keep plugging along."

Other, better-informed folk admitted that they had forgotten entirely that the New Gods had been slain en masse, so that the revelation of a New God's death offered a certain novelty all over again. It certainly seemed nobody realized (or cared) that an entire civilization of powerful, benevolent beings had been annihilated, even though it had been heavily covered in national publications during the previous twelve months.

No funeral arrangements have been made, since there are no known next of kin (or anyone to pay for said arrangements). Clancy Bright said he might charge folks a dollar to view the remains, which are currently on display in his barn.
Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

May 27, 2008

The High: Back in Action? The Low: Still Missing?

DATELINE UNKNOWN - We here at BPD love a good rumor, and boy, did we hear one this week. Seems that long-bygone superhero the High (who reportedly imitated a bug on SkyWatch's "windshield" a few years ago) may not be as bygone as believed.

"I saw this... um, sort of glass tube," reported our source. "It was full of, of, red glop, I guess. Sorta made me nauseous looking at it, 'cause it was, uh, churning. If the paperwork was right, that's what the SkyWatch jockeys scooped up after he went splat. You ask me, wasn't nothing exactly dead in that glass tube."

What does it all mean? We have no idea, but we'll keep our ears open.

(P.S. We're only kidding about the Low--but wouldn't it be cool if the High had a thematic counterpart?)

May 15, 2008

New Jersey Barfly Responsible for Skrull Invasion

ASBURY PARK, NJ - Local barfly Randall "Gumball" Greeves admitted that the present onslaught of Skrull warriors is pretty much his fault.

"A couple years ago, I was sittin' next to this guy down at the Low Tide Bar 'n Grill," Greeves said. "He was kinda green and had this bumpy chin, but he was buyin', so I listen to him. He says his people are ridin' him to come up with some big idea--something that'll really get folks excited. So I look at the TV and say, 'Hey, war's always good. Invade somebody, but just do it kinda smart.' He gets this look in his eye, pays the tab and says, 'Thanks, human scum,' before headin' out. Lookin' back, that might not be the best advice I ever gave someone."

Greeves has been in hot water like this before. "Yeah, there was this high class lawyer lady, drinkin' by herself and cryin' over some egghead named Ray who dumped her. I said, 'Hey, show him you're somebody! You ain't gotta be pushed around. Make him notice you--maybe do somethin' big that'll grab his attention. Get him jealous or somethin'.' That didn't turn out too good neither.

"I think I oughtta stop givin' advice, you know? 'Cept when someone's buyin', 'cause it's just rude not to listen to the other guy's problems, you know what I mean? Speakin' of which, there's this guy from Gotham City, white face, big smile, hangin' out in the bar the other night..."

More news as it develops.

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics and DC Comics, all rights reserved

May 12, 2008

New Yorkers Largely Ignore Skrull Invasion

NEW YORK CITY - Covering the latest crisis to afflict the Big Apple (and, okay, the rest of the world too), Bugles Planet Daily has found that most New Yorkers have largely ignored the invasion by waves of new-fangled Super-Skrulls and Skrull shock troops.

"Hey, dis is New York, know what I'm sayin'?" said taxi driver Vito "the Big D" DeNardo. "I seen Galactus fifty yards off the hood of my cab--ya think some scaly green space-freaks are gonna faze me after that? Fugeddabouddit!"

Vito's cab was vaporized shortly afterward, but his sentiments live on among the disaffected and serenely undisturbed residents of the city.

"I think the Baxter Building ate itself," said nurse/elderly care specialist Susan Krychak. "There was a bright light--I didn't get too surprised, there's always something weird going on there, but it isn't every day you see a building eat itself. It was like in that movie Poltergeist. I got a picture of it on my cellphone camera."

"If it messes up the playoffs, I'm gonna be pissed," said grad student/bartender Huck Smith. "That's all I'm saying."

"People have a pretty high tolerance for the weird and horrifying around here," said Urban Crisis Management Division Chief Hudson Smedly. "They figure they made it through Galactus, the time when the whole city was boosted into space by Dr. Doom, Atlantis attacking us two or three times, a bunch of big nasty mutant events, that superhero Civil War thing, then World War Hulk... heck, this invasion barely makes the top five. Let's see where we are in another week or two; that'll tell you if we ought to be worried or not. As for me, I'm thinkin' about catching up with my cousin in Scottsdale, Arizona."

More news as it develops.

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Apr 30, 2008

IRON MAN Movie Made of Awesome

Lets get right to it. Finally. I don’t think that was loud enough. FINALLY! A comic book movie that is everything a comic book movie should be. The Iron Man biopic is sublime, made of awesome and so good you can taste it. Mmmm peaches…

In many circles I am known as a Superhero Movie Hater. Seriously. Check any episode of Fantastic Forum, or read my rants in this very publication and you will find me hating on films from Ghost Rider to Batman Begins to Superman Returns. Not today. Today I’ve got nothing but love. (If I see Jon Favreau on the streets I may lick him. It's that good..)

The film starts with the original origin, swapping Vietnam for Afghanistan (to keep things topical) and jumps right into the action. Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) is kidnapped by a group of extremist who ultimately want him to build them a super weapon. Of course Stark has never been very good at doing what he’s told. With the help of fellow scientist and lifesaver, Yinsen, he builds the antithesis of a super weapon and launches a legend.

His escape is fantastic but by no means the best action in the film. The flight scenes will keep you grinning. The fights and suit will make you cheer. In a save-the-day face off, with one of his former captors, Iron Man uses all the tricks fans crave and tops it off with a turnabout that gives the power back to the people. Just wait. You’ll be applauding in the theater.

Balancing out the action is a liberal dose of comedy—the banter between Stark and Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow), Stark and Rhodey (Terrence Howard) is whip-smart and dead funny. Stark himself is a strange brew of relentless, self-deprecating and arrogant that is hugely likable. He quips and whips his way through every problem with an aplomb that recalls all the things that made Iron Man great. Some of the funnier scenes feature Stark, two droids and Jarvis (voiced by Paul Bettany) as they work to perfect the suit. Look out for the fire extinguisher…

The script is tight. Everything has a purpose and ties in to the story in some way. The relationships are flawlessly revealed; needing only a single moment to solidify the lifelong friendship between Stark and Rhodes “How was the Fun Vee…?”, while slowly unveiling the complexity of the bond between he and Pepper. Let’s not forget about Jeff Bridges as Obadiah Stane/Iron Monger. Villainous Goodness!

The casting is perfection.

Perhaps one of the best things about the film is the ‘fan appreciation’ mixing in some of the most beloved characters and setups from the entire history of, cad about town, Tony Stark. While there is some Retcontinence, allusions to War Machine and “ten rings” along with the appearance of Agent Phil Coulson of Strategic Homeland Intercession Elite Logistics Division (I hope I got it right) are the kind of nods to the fans that make us happy.

Finally, while I appreciate many Directors’ artistic goals in adding something of themselves to superhero stories. I’ve never understood the need to diverge into the unrecognizable. Often these Directors redesign the characters, both visually and in tone, to the point that they may as well be called Cat Chick, Batdude or Dare Demon. Jon Favreau on the other hand is a true comic book lover. He gets it. He put it on screen in all its glory and it worked far better than most of the Crow infused offerings of late.

Favreau and the writing team of Mark Fergus, Hawk Ostby, Art Marcum & Matt Holloway are to be congratulated. They have created the perfect Superhero Biopic, combining the essence of the characters (this is Tony Stark), with stories inspired by the book; mixing in action, comedy, gorgeous graphics, a great script and fan appreciation. You couldn’t ask for much more.

Iron Man is everything a comic book movie should be. And to you, my friend, I say “Go Get Some!

Apr 28, 2008

They Came From Space!

Much Better Versions of Modern Superheroes Crash in Savage Land

SAVAGE LAND - Both groups calling themselves Avengers got a nasty shock in the Savage Land last week as the investigation of a spaceship crash turned up something unimaginable. Roughly two dozen superheroes emerged from the wreck--except that these survivors seem to be a flashback to the recent past: all of them are "versions" of known superheroes from several years ago.

"It's like looking in my old photo album," said fugitive hero Spider-Man. "I mean, was I really that scrawny back in the day? Sheesh, no wonder Doc Ock used to kick my butt all the time."

Luke Cage (modern) said, "What kind of atrocious cliche is this? I never walked around saying 'Sweet Christmas'! Obviously this impostor knows nothing of my work."

Captain America (past) said, "We seem to have shown up at a bad time."

That may be the biggest understatement of the year, Cap. With the Skrulls having just taken out Iron Man (modern)... or have they?... as well as the Baxter Building, the SHIELD Helicarrier, the Raft, the Cube, and a bunch of other prominent superhero landmarks/facilities/headquarters, it seems that the arrival of a bunch of retrograde superheroes will only add to the confusion.

More news as it develops.
Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Apr 23, 2008

INS Fails To Deport Wonder Woman

"...waiting for her to ‘get nekkid’ seemed like a good idea..."

BOSTON, MA – In a hastily organized press conference at Boston Mass General Hospital, Police spokesman, Brett Rogers gave details on a botched police operation:

"As part of the ongoing efforts to enforce tougher immigration controls among the US Meta-human community, The White House issued a deportation order for the superhero known as Wonder Woman. Apparently this menace has illegally resided in the US on an expired educational Visa since the mid 80’s.”

The Department of Homeland Security has also accused the longtime Justice League member of possessing a ‘weapon of mass destruction’ namely herself.

It was decided the deportation order would be enforced by a task force comprised of Immigration Naturalization Services (INS) agents, Boston PD SWAT and Homeland Security officers. The team converged on the home of a known associate of the suspect, Air Force LT Etta Candy Trevor.

“We’d received intelligence that the accused would occasionally visit the Trevor Household for an early morning shower,” said Rogers.

"According to the Lieutenant commanding the raid, the go ahead was given upon confirmation the Perp had entered the lavatory and disrobed. The Perp’s nudity was key to the operation as we’d received intel that her powers were contained within a certain magic belt. Further, our own meta-human expert, Nemesis, corroborated the belt would be removed for sake of bath-time efficiency.

To summarize, waiting for her to ‘get nekkid’ seemed like a good idea at the time." Rogers stated.

"Sadly our intel on the magical belt proved false”

While holding back tears he added, “The last thing recorded by the incursion team, was a blood curling scream of “Great Hera’s Rubber Ducky!”

In a scene that can only be describe as carnage, the 6’ 2” Amazonian warrior – dressed only in a bath towel and her silver bracelets – plowed through the taskforce like The Hulk through Iron Man. Agents where thrown with such force that many had to be rescued from the Charles River 5 miles away.

Said Rogers, “It was clear to all present that she was still in possession of her powers and was displeased by the interruption...”

Boston Police Commissioner Will Richardson said, "This is one of the darkest days in the history of Massachusetts Law Enforcement. Our prayers go to the 23 INS agents, 12 members of Boston SWAT, 5 police officers and 2 police dogs who were sent to area hospitals by this terry-clothed menace.”

Maggie Sawyer, spokeswoman for Metropolis Special Crime Units sighed
"I told these morons not to do it..."

The incident remains under investigation.


RetCon Wars: Continuity Conflict

SUICIDE SLUM - One fateful night, while evading Jack of the Royal Flush Gang, (and tossing a marked deck into the sewer) this reporter stumbled onto an unprecedented scene. A space-time rift opened, blue-white light shining from a vortex seven feet high. From the rift came a red-haired man dressed in a gray prison jumpsuit. He barely had a second to compose himself before another, heavier, balder man appeared wearing a fine Armani suit.

"Hey, I'm free," the redhead exclaimed. "The dimensional ripper I made in the prison science lab worked!" The well dressed man jerked the other around, yelling, "What's the meaning of this, convict? I was in the middle of "acquiring" a new firm before I was yanked from the water boarding. You shall have two minutes before I have you liquidated."

Standing face-to-face underneath a lamppost, the two men seemed to notice the same thing I did. Besides the extra pounds and years on the tailored suit man, they were the same man. "You idiot! Your "ripper" pulled us both into yet another dimension." The red-haired man sent his older self flying with a right cross. "Don't matter to me; I'm still out of prison." He moved in to repeatedly kick the older man in the ribs. "No one cages Alexei Luthor!"

A shot rang out and the red haired man crumpled. A man stepped out of the darkness and shot the fatter man while he was still cringing on the ground. "Never know when you will need a corpse of yourself," he commented seemingly to himself, whipping out two bodybags from a satchel. "I suggest you leave, young man. Jack and Ace are just around the corner."

I can't say for certain which Lex Luthor (Forbes ranked) walked out of the alley that night, but I'll be skeptical of any news of Luthor's demise from now on.

Apr 17, 2008

Giant Turtle Thing Assaults Hapless Bystander!

METROPOLIS - A giant monster described as a "freaky turtle thing" attacked and seriously injured an equally giant fellow who appeared to be minding his own business, according to eyewitnesses.

"Yeah, dude, this scaly green [bleep!] shows up and whangs this stony-face [bleep!] like my pops at the bar on a payday," said 'urban poet' Franco Hsi Jefferson. "I mean, boom, son! Then all hell's bustin' loose and I got my ass outta there, so I didn't see nothin' after that."

Others say that the "innocent bystander" fended off this attack, only to be struck by a "maniac in a red shirt" who beat the poor victim bloody. A large explosion or series of explosions led the Metropolis PD to close off the area between Schwartz Plaza and the new Busiek Pavilion. Police on the scene said the area will be cordoned off for the next four or five days; travelers should allow for delays in public transportation. Sightseers and tourists are being strongly discouraged from visiting the site.

"It's bad down there," agreed Capt. Josh Foley of the MPD. "Not Doomsday-bad, thank heaven, but pretty bad. The search teams are checking rubble now for casualties, 'cause, y'know, there's always casualties."
More information as it develops.
Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Apr 14, 2008

Iron Man talks Iron Man while spinning Iron Man (he's got that branding thing on lock)

Entertainment Reporter Kayode Kendall catches up with mega-mogul Tony Stark to talk the upcoming film and discover who's curtains match the carpet

KK: So Tony, how excited are you about your new Biopic coming out next month?

TS: It’s a lifelong dream to have my exploits immortalized on the silver screen. And I think we can all agree it’s about f—kin’ time. There’s a Man-Thing movie for cryin’ out loud.

KK: Yeah, that movie was pretty bad. But anyway, how involved were you in the filmmaking process? How did you feel about Jon Favreau directing?

TS: Swingers was, like, my favorite movie when it came out. I’ve loved the guy ever since. Plus we’ve become really good friends since filming started.

As for involvement, I could only be on set so much, what with my duties as director of S.H.I.E.L.D. and leader of the Mighty Avengers. Sometimes it’s like I’m in three different places at once!! But I gave the filmmakers as much access to the world of Iron Man as legally possible, and they were really responsive to my suggestions. I feel like they’ve done my story justice.

KK: How about the casting? I’m sure I can speak for a lot of fans who never thought Robert Downey Jr. would be considered for the role but were pleased with the selection just the same.

TS: I’ve got a lot of respect for RDJ. We’ve been down similar paths, faced similar demons, and ultimately became better people for it. We spent a lot of time together when he was cast, and he really showed a lot of commitment to playing me. Kind of like Jamie Foxx getting lifted to play Ray Charles! We wore old Iron Man suits together, went shopping at Sean John, traded stocks, entertained the ladies… *wink, wink* The whole nine yards.

Between us, the practical jokes were killer. Like when I borrowed the Elektra-Skrull corpse from Reed Richards, and laid it beside RDJ in bed one night! He literally crapped his pants when he woke up!! He was like “Oh, crap! It’s Weird Science all over again!” Ah, good times. But, once filming began, it was all business. He went all out with the method acting thing and it kind of brought a tear to my eye, seeing how perfectly he played me.

KK: And what about Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts?

TS: She’s a sweet lady and a consummate professional. I mean, the woman dyed her hair red *ahem* everywhere.

KK: Uh, everywhere? You got a picture?

TS: (flipping open his wallet to show he and Paltrow in the back seat of a cab) I was flattered. Even though I’m more of a ‘hardwood floors’ kind of guy.

KK: Interesting. So, are you worried about all the competition? There are several other movies chronicling the exploits of fellow Marvel heroes. The Incredible Hulk and Punisher will be out soon. Not to mention other heroes like The Dark Knight and Hellboy.

TS: *Laughing hysterically* The Punisher?!?! Even without the benefit of having known the man for years, most people can conclude he’s not terribly complex. But, for whatever reason, filmmakers seem enthralled by him. It’s kind of comical, he’s been featured in a handful of films and none of them are worth pigeon scat. Guess there’s just not much of an audience for muscle-bound dolts who shoot a lotta wiseguys for two hours.

As for everyone else, I’m not too worried. I’m offering moviegoers something brand new. They’ve seen all the other guys before. It’s my time to shine. I’m promising more action, drama, and humor than anything that’s come before!
Did you see the freakin’ flying scene with and the F-18s?!? That’s actually ME up there! I did all the stunts myself! That’s commitment!

KK: Here’s a horn you can toot. Would you look at that – it says ‘bad mutha trucka’ on it. *sigh*

On a more personal note, do you have any plans to settle down? Any special woman in your life? I’m sure our female readers are dying to know.

TS: Oh, I know the score. They all just want me for my paper! Tell ya what, I’ll consider settling down when May Parker stays dead for more than a year!


Is Wolverine a Clone?

Tantalizing Hints Begin to Add Up

NEW YORK CITY - It has been one of the great mysteries for those of us who cover the superhero community. How does Wolverine manage to turn up just about everywhere?
We've confirmed he isn't a teleporter, his claws cannot cut holes in spacetime, and (despite being packed full of adamantium) he isn't a robot.

What does that leave? The answer is staggeringly obvious: Wolverine is in reality an army of clones.

"It caught us by surprise," admits Emma Frost, former enemy (see Hellfire Club) and former member of the (still disbanded) X-Men, "but it was there in front of us all this time. Who survives being reduced to a single drop of blood? I think that's a tall tale Logan made up to keep us from learning the truth."
Asked why she didn't figure it out from reading his mind, Frost replied, "Have YOU ever been in there? Brr. Trust me, it's a place you don't want to visit without a lot of heavy-duty psychic firepower. How Xavier managed to live with him in the mansion all those years is beyond me.

"He was originally called Weapon X-- we never guessed that meant there were ten of him wandering around, and ten may be a conservative estimate. One of him was blown up by Nitro just recently but... oh geez, there's one now. Maybe we could put a bell on him so we'd know when he's close..."

"I ain't no clone, bub," snarled the Wolverine we found prowling amidst the mansion's wreckage. "I'm just here to find my leather jacket, grab a brewski outta the fridge and head to an Avengers meeting. At the same time, I'm searching for Mystique in the Middle East and carrying out a search-and-destroy with X-Force, so... aw dammit." Overcome by the inherent logic flaws of his denial, this Wolverine resorted to doing what he's best at: flying into a berserk rage and trying to kill us reporters.

We'll have more on this story once we're out of intensive care.

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Apr 7, 2008

Morticoccus Inoculations Discontinued

WASHINGTON DC (EARTH 51) - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have determined that continuing the morticoccus inoculation program (announced three weeks ago in BPD) would be "a waste of time."

Health Secretary G. Rimreeper said, in a press conference today, "We thought that an aggressive inoculation program would contain this 31st century sentient virus, but apparently we were wrong. Truth is, our best efforts are useless. However, we prefer to look on the bright side. Despite its name, morticoccus has not proven to be exceptionally lethal--only an estimated two out of five victims actually perish. The others may end up transformed through hybridization with animal DNA, but at least they're not dead!"

Taking in a press corps that had mostly turned into vultures, the sheep-like Rimreeper did not finish more than his opening statement before fleeing for his life. (Unsuccessfully.)

Rumors that an uncontaminated youth and his grandfather have taken refuge in a military bunker remain unconfirmed at press time. Additional rumors that Green Lantern fled Earth "like a little bee-yotch" (per extradimensional troublemaker Red Robin) are also unconfirmed-- some witnesses assert that he went into deep space to find a cure from more advanced alien sciences. The bad news: if Green Lantern was exposed to morticoccus, it is possible that many hundreds or thousands of alien worlds are now suffering exposure. Way to go, you idiot.

The pathetic remnants of civilization around the globe would like to thank the Challengers from Beyond for exposing us to this "smart bug" and wiping us out. We really didn't think the challenges of continued existence were for us anyway. But as a way to say goodbye, we're seeing if we can't get a cross-dimensional portal up and running-- we'd be happy to share our viral good fortune with lots and lots of other Earths. Preliminary work indicates a zombie world nearby...

Jonathan Hive: Blogger, Ace, Journalist

HARD CALL- Covering the Wild Card
Outbreak in Colorado

Bugles Planet Daily is very pleased to welcome Jonathan Tipton-Clarke (aka Jonathan Hive or "Bugsy"), whose liveblogged “Hard Call” series for Dabel Worldwide Press has earned major journalistic attention. Jonathan is currently a participant in the AMERICAN HERO TV series.

Jonathan, welcome to BPD!

So how did you happen to cover this story? An outbreak of wild card virus seems like an uncommon event these days—what drew you to this story?

First off, there are wildcard outbreaks here and there all the time. They just don't usually get much press because we're kind of used to them. It's the same for any other disease. I mean, how many people died from the bubonic plague last year? I don't know, but I know that some of them did. Or polio. People still get polio. Christian scientists, for instance. Or those folks who think their kid would be better off dead than autistic. But that's a whole different rant.

But this particular story was just too juicy to pass up. Yes, it's got an outbreak, and that's a nice hook. But it's got this weird serial killer. It's got Croyd Crenson. I mean jeez. Croyd Crenson. That's like getting to do a story about John Dillinger.

Can you tell us about the people involved and what happened with them? We know this story continues to unfold but maybe you could give us some basics on who was caught up in this crisis, where it happened…?

That's another good angle. The original outbreak was at a high school in Colorado. The victims were taken to the Jokertown Clinic in Manhattan, because, dude, *of course* they were. The fact that their arrival coincided with the serial killer going into action and Croyd Crenson's re-emergence was happy coincidence. I get to say it's happy because I'm a journalist. We've got the only profession where you can have a good murder.

Is liveblogging the "next phase of journalism"? Do you foresee a time when Pulitzers will be awarded to bloggers?

More I see a time when Pulizers are old fashioned and irrelevant.

Being an ace yourself, were you concerned about the (very small) possibility of a secondary re-infection? It’s common knowledge that the wretched Snotman became the ace Reflector and the joker anarchist Gimli apparently died during the “Typhoid Croyd” event, so it can happen…

Ah. Huh. Yeah, I kind of forgot about that Typhoid Croyd thing. Hmm.

Well, it didn't bother me then. I'm kind of freaking out about it now though.

Did you find it hard to be among people who drew a Black Queen (died because of an unsurvivable wild card manifestation) or became jokers? You’re one of the lucky “one in a hundred” after all.

It's not like it's the first time I've been around jokers. It was harder for me dealing with the kids who'd just changed. I mean you go through life and day by day, you don't really think about the cost the wildcard has on people. And then I was right there with people who were just going through it. All the wounds were still raw. I mean, that's high school, right? But it reminded me of what it was like when I was that age. I had that kind of vicarious flashback to my own teen angst.

On the other hand, if I'd been blogging about a homecoming dance, it would probably have been worse.

Why do wild cards continue to fascinate the public, 60 years after Wild Card Day?

Because everyone wants to be an ace, and everyone's afraid they already are a joker. It's the literal incarnation of a normal human being's dearest hopes and deepest fears. You don't have to be a joker to hate your body. Being an ace or winning the lottery aren't the only ways to have power and be special, but they're visible and they don't require a lot of effort. And the Black Queen. Well, we're all born with a Black Queen, it just takes 80 or so years to express, right?

The world of journalistic blogging must be a fast-paced one. What other stories are you going to follow in future posts?

Depends on what happens, I guess. I was hoping to do a series of interviews with porn stars for Women's History Month, but beat me to it. Seriously.

And… I hate to ask, Jonathan, but what’s Curveball really like?

You know when you were growing up, there was that girl who lived next door or just down the block or wherever? The one who was just like one of the guys, except everyone had a secret crush on her? Curveball's just like that. She isn't going to hook up with you either.

Thanks for taking our questions, guys. We want to wish you all the best on the “Hard Call” series! And an extra special thanks to Daniel Abraham, for putting us in touch with Bugsy--you're the best!

UPDATE! Images above provided
courtesy of Dabel Worldwide!

Apr 1, 2008

A BPD Exclusive

We don't normally do this at BPD but when we got the news—from a Disney intern no less—we just had to share it. Edgar Wright (director Hot Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead) and Bryan Lee O'Malley (creator Scott Pilgrim series) are no longer associated with the upcoming Scott Pilgrim film project. Taken over by Disney, the project is now entitled Scott Pilgrim Can’t Lose and will be directed by David S. Goyer from a screenplay by Akiva Goldsmith.

Shocking! but there's more. The cast will now be lead by Zac Efron as Scott, Ellen Page as Ramona, Brenda Song as Knives and Perez Hilton as Wallace (guess Disney's trying to capitalize on some pop culture cred). BPD can only quip ‘thank goodness for Knives and Flowers!’ The film will also feature several musical numbers written by Panic At The Disco with choreography by Paula Abdul.

We’ll keep you abreast as we get more intel from our inside source...


Mar 31, 2008

BPD EXPRESS: Sixth Edition


Harry Sampson The Real Homer?
After a twenty year battle Harry Sampson, the newly announced 'original face of Homer Simpson,' has finally been acknowledged by Simpsons creator Matt Groening. Of course, the payout of a $20 settlement will help too—possibly with tonight's dinner.

"They mocked my visage and my speech to create that dufus. I hope the loss of twenty bucks will teach them they can't do this to people."

After it was suggested he might have asked for twenty million dollars Sampson slapped himself on the forehead with a heartfelt "D'oh!"

Images by photographer Pixeloo see more of his work at

Batman Secret Identity Hoax
A recent media frenzy speculated a note (sprawled on a Gotham City mailbox) had revealed Batman's secret identity. That of billionaire Bruce Wayne. This week BPD has discovered a much less interesting though more insidious truth: America has punctuation issues.

Calvin Hogdutter just wanted to share a "goofy idea I'd gotten" with a friend who wasn't home at the time. "I just couldn't wait," said the cum laude grad, "so I wrote it on the mailbox. Who knew a comma changes the meaning of a sentence?!"

Hogdutter's missive should have read:
"Bruce, Wayne is Batman"

As in their mutual friend Wayne Peterson
of 1221 Lovecraft St, West Gotham.

Sadly, this information has also proven erroneous.

photo by Occasional Superheroine. See more of her work at

J.Lo's Baby-Daddy the Skeleton in He-Man's Closet
Although many claim to have known it all along, we now have incontrovertible proof that singer Marc Anthony is in fact Skeletor.

"I just don't know why he ripped off his mask the way he did," said the fan who caught this candid shot of the couple. "I mean, we all suspected. It's right there in the bone structure. But, why'd he come out of the closet so suddenly!? I almost pissed my the way, has anyone seen that kid? I'm just sayin'..."

We Need Your HELP!
Spotted any other Masters of the Universe characters on the streets? Have they been makin' babies? Let us know. Upload a picture.

Senior Editor

Mar 24, 2008

Fantastic Forum: BPD Live Action

Comic Book Brain Trust!
Three Great Comics Bloggers!
One Big Mouth Chicks!
and A Dancing Robot!

See members of the BPD Crew, live!
(and be on the lookout for a BPD Newscast coming soon)

(forgive me for being a bit of a jerk in the beginning. I was having a realityTV moment)

American Hero: Behind The Scenes- John Fortune, Swash and DB

BUGLES PLANET DAILY is proud to bring you a "behind the scenes" interview with John Fortune (JF), Sam Washburn (SW) and Michael Vogali (DB). All three men are part of AMERICAN HERO, the first reality show to feature aces and jokers; John and Sam are literally behind the scenes, while Michael is a contestant.

Who will be the first American Hero? Well, we don't answer that here, but we have lots of interesting stuff below!

First, let’s find out who you are. How are you associated with AMERICAN HERO?
JF: Hi. My name is John Fortune. Peregrine, that is, my mother’s production company, is doing the show. I’m an assistant, liaisoning with the contestants.

DB: Me? I’m [bleep]ing Michael Vogali of [rock band] the Joker Plague. You can call me Michael, you can call me DB. Just don’t call me that other name -- the one they’re using on the show.

SW: I’m Sam Washburn, aka Swash or “His Nibs.” I’m production artist for the show. I’ve done a lot of logos and graphics and the T-shirts and coffee cup designs, plus some illustrations for the website. I’m a fairly well established artist and graphic designer, and an ace myself. Topper recommended me for the gig.

The auditions for the show seem to have been pretty intense. What’s your favorite moment from these tryouts… and what bits never made it to broadcast?
SW: Well, the show’s still running, so it’s more a case of “haven’t been broadcast yet.” There’s reels of footage, and every time someone gets eliminated, they’ve been going back to the original tryouts to show scenes of the contestants that they didn’t have space for in the first episode.

But without spoiling anything, I think my favorite moment has to be Dragon Huntress’s try-out. One moment she’s got this tiny toy, next moment BAM! This huge dragon. Startled me so much my fingers shot ink all over the page, but that’s what you call getting the creative juices flowing. I’ve got pages of that damn dragon.

JF: Boy, that’s hard to pick. There were so many great moments. Unfortunately, due to, um, time constraints and, um, such things, not all tryouts could be shown on television. There was Simoon’s tryout where, you know, her power is to turn into a living dust devil, but of course when she, ah, re-solidifies she doesn’t have any clothes, and the cameras – um, well, maybe we better not get too deeply into that.

DB: What audition? The auditions were a [bleep]ing joke -- our manager, K.A. Cohen, had already made arrangements for me to be on the show before the auditions even started.

As for the rest of the crew -- I never watched any of the auditions, so I have no opinion at all.

Do you feel sorry for the failed or discarded wild carders? I mean, some of them really tried hard… some of the Confessionals are very touching, even emotional.
DB: Sorry for what? For taking part in staged ‘challenges’ that didn’t mean anything to anyone, that didn’t show heroism, that weren’t about anything real, where everyone -- well, most everyone; the ones of us who have genuine abilities -- had to hold back on to make sure we actually didn’t hurt anyone? Why should anyone even [bleep]ing care?It’s a game. Period.

It’s no worse than losing at Monopoly.

SW: I feel sorry for a lot of them. I mean, drawing your wild card, it’s like Yay! Not dead! Yay, kewl power on top of it! Even if it’s something like fountain pen fingernails. Then a week later it’s Damn, still broke and everyone’s looking at you funny because you’re an ace and aren’t you supposed to be rolling in money? Plus you’ve got all sorts of troubles most people don’t even think about, especially insurance. I mean, slamming my tail in a door is not a “Pre-existing medical condition.”

I think the one who understands that most is Bugsy–Jonathan Hive–who’s got a really cool blog, but he’s not going to get the exposure like he would if he stayed to the end of the show. And that really sucks.

JF: (Shrugs) I don’t particularly care for the game-playing myself, bu, you know, the people who go on the show do so for different motives which we can’t really control. Some are very sincere. Others have more, um, complex, motivations. It takes all kinds to make a good television show.

Are the contests fair? Seems a bit harsh to throw Golden Boy at a bunch of rookies! SW: Well, you know, Golden Boy was a rookie once too. But I think the contests are as fair as they can make them. I mean the writers–all reality shows have writers–are always sitting around, talking about this contestant and this power and what will be a challenge for them and what will be a cakewalk.

There was a lot of talk initially of having Golden Boy go up against the Spades, because there were good odds of Rosa Loteria taking him out with a lucky draw, but they finally decided what would make the best television and also settle a question would be to see whether Bubbles bubbles were stronger than Golden Boy’s shield.

They weren’t, but it was a close thing, and remember, she’s just learning how to use her power.

DB: Duh. There wasn’t any ‘fairness’ in this at all. The producers knew who they wanted to be their American Hero -- or at least they knew who they wanted the finalists to be -- and they made damned sure that’s who got there. Right: throw three genuine aces at three teams, and then use a [bleep]ing stage musician with no ace skills whatsoever at the fourth. And they were still so lame they couldn’t beat the idiot.

Fairness? Life ain’t fair, either, but at least life ain’t rigged.

JF: Fair? Sure. Of course.

Do you have a favorite contestant? Maybe… a least-favorite contestant?
JF: Well, I shouldn’t take sides. Curveball is very...nice...

DB: Other than myself, you mean? Kate [aka Curveball]. Kate deserved to win the whole thing, and she should have.

SW: A favorite? Probably Tiffani. She’s very pretty and she’s fun to draw–diamonds have all these amazing refractions, so drawing her is like drawing tiny rainbows–and she really needs the money. I’ve met homeless jokers who weren’t that poor, and she’s going to be sharing whatever she wins with her family.

Least favorite? DB. He didn’t try out for the show, he was cast by his agent, and that isn’t fair to everyone else, especially people like Tiffani. But more than that, he’s talked all sorts of smack about my brother and his band, and I’m sorry, the Joker Plague is good, but they wouldn’t be where they are today if The Jokertown Boys hadn’t been there first.

What is Peregrine like out of the klieg lights? And is Digger that rough-edged in real life?
SW: Peregrine’s really nice, and she’s that funny in real life–it’s not just her writers feeding her lines. She’s the best thing that happened to jokers rights ever, and an incredibly savvy businesswoman too. Well, okay, her magazine flopped, but her power is flight, not predicting the future.

Digger? He’s...well, if you think he’s rough on the air, wait till you see his notes on possible logo designs. If he ever draws a wild card, it’ll probably to make Post-its that catch fire after you read them.

JF: Like any Mom who happens to be a gorgeous, multiple-award winning celebrity. (Shrugs) I grew up with it. I guess I’m used to seeing all those Emmys lined up in a row at the Malibu beach house.Digger is...unique. He and my mother go back a long way. My step-dad broke his nose, once.

DB: Outside the stage lights, Peregrine’s an old lady. You should see her in the sunlight, where you can see all the lines even past the facelifts and plastic surgery. And she’s hard as nails, too.

Downs? Yeah, he’s a [bleep]ing [bleep]hole no matter which side of the camera he’s on.

Help us understand the public fascination with wild carders. Why are we crazy about aces and jokers?
JF: Because, there but for the grace of God go you or I. I know.

SW: I guess it’s because people are always fascinated by the exotic, the extraordinary and the lucky, and that’s what every ace and joker is.

Don’t get me wrong, I know jokers who’ve been horribly crippled by the wild card, but the most crippled person I’ve ever met was a nat with cerebral palsy, and it’s hard for even the most whacked-out joker separatist to look at someone like that and not realize that whatever’s happened to them, they’re still luckier than that. And even a crippled nat is still luckier than the people who drew the black queen, like my parents.

DB: Guilt. Because you weren’t infected, and we were. Pure and simple. Cheering the aces makes you feel better about thinking “I’m so [bleep]ing glad I don’t have the virus, because I don’t want to die horribly or be turned into some horrible monster.” ‘Cause that’s what all you nats are thinking.

And you’re right.

What’s the best bit of gossip or favorite wacky theory you’ve heard kicked around? (My favorite is that Dr. Tod was working for the US government.)
DB: Look, gossip is garbage, and if that’s important to you, then this rag of yours is pretty much garbage too. Get a [bleep]ing life.

JF: I’ve heard it all. That Tachyon was working for the U.S. government, that he was a Russian spy – I mean, how crazy is that? Even that the Takisians are really Nazis who came from the Earth’s core. (Shakes his head)

SW: That’s wacky? I heard that all the time growing up in Jokertown. Lots of people think he still is, but he got jumped into a new body during the Rox war.

The craziest you regularly hear is that whenever some joker goes missing and they don’t find the body, people say they were spirited away to live with Bloat in a magical land filled with cake and ice cream. Or if there’s something really crazy, that it’s just a mental projection of Bloat.

Currently they’re saying that about the mayor’s budget.

Is the second season already in development? We hear ratings have been pretty solid…
JF: Oh, yes. Teams will soon be crisscrossing America, looking for the next edition of the American Hero.

DB: Sure, the second season will go on. With even more lame aces, too, since they’ve already picked the cream of the crop. They’ll let this [bleep] run as long as it makes money -- that’s what’s it’s all about in Hollyweird. Cash. The bottom line. That’s all the ratings mean: you’re making money or you’re not.

SW: Everything’s already in development. This is Hollywood. But yeah, ratings have been pretty good, which is great.

It’s been more than 61 years since Wild Card Day. Have you ever speculated about how the world might have turned out without the wild card?
DB: A hell of a lot less interesting. But probably no better -- we’ve been good at [bleep]ing each other over since long before the Wild Card. This just gives us another excuse.

SW: What, you mean like the Harry Turtledove alternate history novels? Or the Takisian Regency books, with Dr. Tachyon having an affair with Jane Austen?

But honestly, everyone knows how the world would have turned out without the wild card–we would have been eaten by the Swarm when they invaded.

Sure, I think we all would have loved if the Takisians had done better product testing, but it’s like drawing your wild card–getting something other than a black queen is a good thing. Earth–not dead. Yay!

JF: We’ve survived the wild card so far, we probably would have survived without it...though I’m sure that the world would have been a lot less colorful a place.

Lastly, any speculation on public figures who are hidden aces? I’ve got a bet riding on a certain big-name movie star being an unsuspected ace.
DB: God, you’re really stuck on this crap, aren’t you? Who the [bleep] cares? So someone wants to keep their power a secret so [bleep]holes like you don’t go bothering them with stupid [bleep] questions and shoving cameras in their faces.

Sometimes I wish I could be a hidden ace. I wish I could pass as normal -- and if I could, I’d damned well keep it a secret too. I say good for them if they’re still in the deck.

JF: I don’t speculate on things like that. I try to let people have as much privacy as they want.

SW: Unexpected? Everyone who looks at Vin Diesel knows that nats don’t get muscles that big naturally, though I’d call him more of a deuce or reverse joker, but so what? He’s a fun action star.

And I know she tested negative for the wild card, but if you’ve studied bone structure, you can tell that Paris Hilton has some Takisian blood. Maybe she’s not Tachyon’s direct love child, but if Takisians were coming here during the Regency? Oh yeah.

She’s definitely using mind control to get people that obsessed with her.

Thanks, and we’ll keep watching AMERICAN HERO!
JF: Thanks.

DB: That, my friend, just shows you’re a loser. But hey, you’re welcome.

BUGLES PLANET DAILY would like to thank John Jos. Miller, S.L. Farrell and Kevin Andrew Murphy for making this interview happen.

Mar 19, 2008

This Just In: Jimmy Olsen STILL Not Dead!

APOKOLIPS - Local gambling dens are gloomy over the protracted existence of James B. Olsen of Metropolis, Earth. Oddsmakers put the redhead's chances of survival at 500-1 last year, but now are lucky to take action at 3-2.

"What can I tell you, the kid's like a weed," mutters Draka Soob, proprietor of a nameless betting parlor in the shadow of Darkseid's 17th-largest statue. "We keep expecting to hear that he's gone, but no! Shows up again with some funky power, like he's buddies with the Source or something. I hoped that freaky red eye thing that ate Apokolips a couple weeks ago might do the job, but again--no."

"Olsen's goin' toe-to-toe with the boss," added Thudd, Soob's crony and night shift bouncer (which means he works roughly 23.5 hours per day). "One flick of the Omega Beams and the kid's toast. I got money ridin' on it."

Perry White, editor-in-chief of the Daily Planet, said, "Olsen is one of my top young recruits. He's gutsy and is getting some good training in being a newsman. If he makes it through this whole New Gods thing, he'll be a top notch reporter... eventually."

Red Robin, who has fought alongside Olsen recently, said, "Where's the justice, man? This pipsqueak has superpowers, now? Oh, I just came back from the freakin' dead is all-- but all the fuss is about a redheaded shutterbug who thinks he's Captain Fabulous. Whatever. I gotta get back to busting heads."

Neither Olsen nor Darkseid could be reached for comment. An earthbound Mother Box said only, "The Source knows. The Source knows." (Of course, it had been saying that for about four years--experts at STAR Labs think this Mother Box may be more of a Great-Grandmother Box and thus a little tetchy.)

More news as it develops.

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved.

Mar 14, 2008

Final Crisis Probably Not Final

Is This Not the End? Experts Disagree.

METROPOLIS - Scientists at STAR Labs announced today that the pending "Final Crisis" may not, in fact, be final at all.

"We've found no reason to believe that these 'Crisis' events won't recur on a semi-regular basis," said Dr. Emil Hamilton, noted friend of Superman and all-around smart guy. "Our chaotic math team estimates that by 2009, 2010 at the outside, we'll see another Crisis-level event... though it may not be called that."

"It may in fact be called a Catastrophe, a Major Upheaval or even a 'Whoops! There Goes the Universe,'" added Dr. Kitty Faulkner. "We have our eye on several different vectors from which this next major event might emerge, including deep space, parallel worlds, the Earth's core and the far future. So far, we've been unable to rule out any possibilities of any or all of these causing us massive agita."

"We doubt that it will be a 'dilly of a pickle' or a 'dire predicament,' however," Hamilton said. "Those names are just silly."

Experts in Crisis Management beg to differ about the likelihood of future Crises.

"As far as we're comfortable predicting, this is the big one," said Dan DiDio, noted expert on all matters Crisis-related. "It won't be like your father's Crisis, with red skies and a dead Flash at the end, no sir. We might see lots of really important and not-creatively-moribund superfolk take the fall this time around. We expect lots of excitement, destruction and the (hopefully brief) reign of evil throughout the universe.

"In short, bad times are coming. We can talk future Crises later, okay? Right now, I got my hands full. Death to Jimmy Olsen! All hail Darkseid!"

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Big Bad Wolf Still on Endangered List

NEW YORK CITY - Local authorities today confirmed that the species lupus majorus malificus (aka Big Bad Wolf) remains on the endangered species list.

"We've heard around town that the wolves just aren't making the scene the way they used to," said Animal Control Commissioner Frederick B. Avery. "Used to be you could see whole packs of them at '21' and ritzy joints all over Manhattan. Could be the smoking ban in restaurants is what drove 'em out to the boroughs."

The effects on the ecology of Manhattan nightlife could not be estimated by Avery.

"It's a shame, y'know. These guys try sweet-talkin' the singers and dancers and boom! Blows up in their faces. It ain't easy bein' a wolf in New York," Avery said. "Maybe opening up a new hot club or fancy restaurant will bring 'em out, but I dunno."

Artwork copyright MGM Studios, all rights reserved

Mar 13, 2008

Banner: "I Totally Did Not See World War Hulk Ending Like That"

LOCATION CLASSIFIED - In a rare chat with BPD reporters, Bruce Banner today said, "I didn't think the war would end the way it did."

Citing a lack of planning, Banner added that, "My Warbound allies bought into the blood-and-vengeance kick I was on. It was pretty heady, we were all in the big ship talking about how we'd beat down so-and-so... it was kind of a rush, you know? I mean, there I was, burning up over this whole thing-- how the ship they'd exiled me in had blown up, killing my wife Caiera and our unborn kid and hundreds of thousands of people on Sakaar-- and then I find out, late in the game, that the engines were sabotaged by one of my own!
"That was a huge buzzkill."

This secret facility has held Banner since the last battle of World War Hulk, wherein the "Green King" fought it out against the Sentry (arguably the single most powerful hero on Earth). Both fought until they'd used up their reserves of energy; the Sentry's human form was knocked out by Bruce Banner. After learning he had fought for the wrong reasons, and launching a intra-party fight against one of his comrades, all and sundry were then blasted by satellite weaponry positioned by Iron Man.

Banner (having reverted to his human form) was captured, tranquilized, and removed from New York by SHIELD before angry New Yorkers (or beaten-up superheroes) could put him out of the picture for good.

"I don't think I'll be doing the huge me-against-the-world thing again any time soon. WWH proved my point--I'm the toughest guy on the planet, once I get good and angry-- and my reasons for smashing up all those heroes were based on a misunderstanding anyway. Maybe it's just me tranked out of my gourd, but I think that one day we'll probably have a good laugh about it," he said, eyeing the walls of his cell. "Yeah, one day."
Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Coming Up! American Hero: Behind the Scenes

You've been watching the contest for months-- now find out some juicy info from the folks behind the scenes at AMERICAN HERO! BPD has interviews on the way with Jonathan (Bugsy) Hive, blogger and living wasp-swarm, and Drummer Boy, lead singer/percussionist of Joker Plague.
It's one of our best and biggest interviews yet-- so stay tuned!

Visit the site-- and read more about the nation's first metahuman reality show here.
UPDATE! BPD has been extraordinarily lucky and scored an interview with JOHN FORTUNE, child of aces Fortunato and Peregrine!
We are thrilled at this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity-- so come back soon and see what John had to say about AMERICAN HERO!
Artwork by Mike S. Miller, copyright Wild Cards Consortium and Tor Books, all rights reserved.

Mar 12, 2008

Morticoccus Inoculations Now Available

A Public Health Service Announcement from Your Friends at BPD!

Don't be late--get your Morticoccus inoculation now. Morticoccus (aka the harbinger of the Great Disaster) is a lethal, fast-acting "smart virus" capable of overwhelming even the most resistant organisms. Professor Ray Palmer, most recently of Ivy Town University, has devised a vaccine and administered it to key individuals throughout the 52 Earths, but supplies may be limited.

Symptoms of morticoccus include depletion of super-abilities, fatigue, heavy perspiration, high fever, delirium, coughing, nausea, vertigo (dizziness, not addiction to a DC imprint), sneezing, an unquenchable thirst for sasparilla, and miscellaneous other nasty side-effects. There is no known treatment for full-blown morticoccus.

Do not wait. Contact your local health professional and ask for the Morticoccus inoculation. The life you save may be the planet Earth's. You don't want to end up like this guy.

Brought to you by the Challengers from Beyond and the CDC.

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Professor X Shot, Mortally Injured, Still Missing

SALEM CENTER, N.Y. - Professor Charles Xavier, headmaster and public spokesman of the Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters, as well as the sponsor of several teams of X-Men, has been shot and is in critical condition.

Speaking on behalf of the X-Men, Scott Summers announced, "Professor Xavier is in the intensive care facility of a hospital we choose not to name, for their own protection. His condition is critical but, we hope and pray, not terminal. He was shot by Lucas Bishop, a former teammate, who is now at large. I am taking this opportunity to announce that, with Professor X gone, we are formally disbanding the X-Men entirely."

Summers' announcement came as little surprise to the superhuman community.

"They've shouldered their share of the world's burdens," said Thor, speaking from New Asgard, Oklahoma. "If they choose to set aside their role, I cannot fault them."

"We haven't assessed the significance of this development," said Tony Stark (aka Iron Man), director of SHIELD. "Naturally we would have hoped that the mutant community would choose to register, following passage of the Superhuman Registration Act, but if they are not acting or intending to act as 'superheroes'-- I suppose the point becomes moot."

"Hulk smash! No, just kidding. Seriously, I know what it's like to be hunted and hated," said Bruce Banner, who is currently in an undisclosed location following the devastation of World War Hulk. "Frankly, if I was them, I'd have gotten off this dirtball ages ago. I... oh geez. Okay, maybe not. Leaving Earth doesn't seem to end well."
BPD will continue to provide updates on Professor X's condition.

UPDATE: The X-Men admitted today that they have no idea where their mentor, Charles Xavier, is at this time.

"It's true, we totally lost track of him," said Scott 'Cyclops' Summers, the disbanded team's former leader. "We made up the story about him being in an unnamed hospital. See, in the chaos of seeing Bishop's arm bitten off by Predator X (and him shooting the Professor, too) and having to let Cable run off with a messiah baby, plus realizing I'm not crippled by the loss of... um, that is, I guess we just dropped the ball. I know if the Professor were here, we'd be having a good chuckle about now. Guess I'd be getting a D for handling this little exercise, if we were back in the Danger Room.
"Oh, and we're still disbanded, so stop calling the mansion. Really."
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