BPD EXPRESS: Sixth Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

Harry Sampson The Real Homer?
After a twenty year battle Harry Sampson, the newly announced 'original face of Homer Simpson,' has finally been acknowledged by Simpsons creator Matt Groening. Of course, the payout of a $20 settlement will help too—possibly with tonight's dinner.

"They mocked my visage and my speech to create that dufus. I hope the loss of twenty bucks will teach them they can't do this to people."

After it was suggested he might have asked for twenty million dollars Sampson slapped himself on the forehead with a heartfelt "D'oh!"

Images by photographer Pixeloo see more of his work at pixeloo.blogspot.com

Batman Secret Identity Hoax
A recent media frenzy speculated a note (sprawled on a Gotham City mailbox) had revealed Batman's secret identity. That of billionaire Bruce Wayne. This week BPD has discovered a much less interesting though more insidious truth: America has punctuation issues.

Calvin Hogdutter just wanted to share a "goofy idea I'd gotten" with a friend who wasn't home at the time. "I just couldn't wait," said the cum laude grad, "so I wrote it on the mailbox. Who knew a comma changes the meaning of a sentence?!"

Hogdutter's missive should have read:
"Bruce, Wayne is Batman"

As in their mutual friend Wayne Peterson
of 1221 Lovecraft St, West Gotham.

Sadly, this information has also proven erroneous.

photo by Occasional Superheroine. See more of her work at occasionalsuperheroine.blogspot.com

J.Lo's Baby-Daddy the Skeleton in He-Man's Closet
Although many claim to have known it all along, we now have incontrovertible proof that singer Marc Anthony is in fact Skeletor.

"I just don't know why he ripped off his mask the way he did," said the fan who caught this candid shot of the couple. "I mean, we all suspected. It's right there in the bone structure. But, why'd he come out of the closet so suddenly!? I almost pissed my pants...by the way, has anyone seen that kid? I'm just sayin'..."

We Need Your HELP!
Spotted any other Masters of the Universe characters on the streets? Have they been makin' babies? Let us know. Upload a picture.

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
Senior Editor SHERIN NICOLE

Atom Seeks Treatment for Microphobia

IVY TOWN - Rookie hero The Atom has sought treatment for a condition tentatively identified as "microphobia": the fear of tiny things. (This is not the same as "nanophobia," which is the fear of really tiny things, but is closely related.)

"I started having, well, hallucinations when I was changing size," admitted the distraught hero. "It just isn't normal to see the things I was seeing. Floating heads, colonies of aliens living on my dog, a microscopic serial killer... I mean, does this sort of thing happen to other heroes or is it only me?"

The Atom's fellow heroes noted that he has been under considerable stress for some time.

"He's had personal issues this past year--resolving some long-standing issues with his father and some past relationships," said Wonder Woman. "He just needs some time and space to sort things out. He has a warrior's heart and I'm confident he'll bounce back."

"My microscopic vision hasn't found the oddities the Atom describes, but that's his world--the microscopic world, I mean," said Superman. "Could be there are some dangers down there that we can't foresee. If the Atom has found cause to be alarmed, it would be better for the Justice League to have a plan in place." He grimaced and added, "I bet Batman already has plans for a microscopic invasion in that cave of his..."

The Atom's public statements did not address allegations of an attack by dust bunnies in a Motel6 this past week.

BPD EXPRESS: Fourth Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

The Real Shanti Virus
Senior Health Correspondent Kat Bittner has uncovered the origin of the Shanti virus. Patient Zero was not Shanti Suresh as previously conjectured. The true origin of the virus is none-other-than her younger brother Mohinder.

Upon further investigation [as shown in last week's installment of Heroes A Documentary] meta-humans [see extraordinary abilities] infected with the Shanti virus suffer the following symptoms:

• Decrease in logical thinking
• Hyper-inflated sense of self righteousness
• Bad taste in men
  

If you are a person with extraordinary abilities and are experiencing any of these symptoms please contact Monroe Memorial at 1 800 YOU'RE AN IDIOT.


Apish Behavior
Superman deported by the INS! Batman arrested for Child Endangerment! Nemesis jailed for flagrant use of Hair Pomade! Law Enforcement agencies rejoice in high-profile arrests due to pseudo-anonymous tips from contingent known only as Gorillaz Color of Mist. The group added to the chaos by releasing the following statement: "She's all ours now! (this is us laughing maniacally)"


An Ass Trumps Bush
You know Robot Chicken has corrupted your brain when you find yourself watching it on TiVo and rooting, audibly, for Paris 'V' Hilton to beat Barbara Bush down, in an oval office brawl. FIN-NISH Her!!!

Powered By N-Bomb
[The following in TV Announcer voice]
The Boondocks Animated Series! New and Improved for Season Two! And You! All the N-bombs, Now With a Point! Blacks, Negros and Coloreds everywhere rejoice! Same Great Laughter. None of the Awkward or Self-hate. Watch it today! Brought to you by an actual black, negro or colored.


This Just In...
If current trends continue the world is estimated to run out of superhero and/or villain monikers by the year--um, tomorrow. We urge you to go Green, as in lantern corps. Every little bit helps.


Best In Show
This week on, the BPD Hot Listed show, Reaper, Bert "Sock" Wysocki officially dubbed the Devil's daughter: BeelzeBabe.

Yeah, we wish we'd thought of it too.

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
Senior Corespondent KAT BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE

Comedy Central Roast of the Joker Delivers Laughs, Casualties

Part of Seeing Redd Week

By Daniel Palacio,
BPD Media Critic and Grouchy Old Man

Tonight, Comedy Central will premiere its roast of The Joker, taped last week in Gotham City. The festivities were hosted by pop culture icon Mark Hamill, who opened the show by pondering why they were honoring "a man who killed more people than Phil Spector". Celebrity roasters included Adam West, Harley Quinn, and Batman, as well as the ubiquitous Jeffrey Ross and Carrot Top.

Like all of the other Comedy Central roasts, most of the comedians took pot shots at one another and handled the guest of honor with kid gloves. Some notable exceptions:

" Seriously, though, he's a (bleep)ing psycho! The only people we know for sure he hasn't killed are Abraham Lincoln and Nicole Brown!" -Jeffrey Ross

"[He's got] a rap sheet a mile long: homicide, grand larceny, kidnapping Brad and Janet..." -Patton Oswalt

"I've watched that lunatic fall off the face of the Earth only to come back stronger than ever a few months later. Just like herpes. Isn't that right, Lisa [Lampanelli]?" -Batman

Still, the Clown Prince of Crime gave as good as he got: "It was nice of my friend the Penguin to join me tonight. Oh wait, that's just Patton Oswalt."

"Bats and I have known each other for a long time, well before he joined the Village People. You look much better without the mustache, by the way."

"I know people give Carrot Top a hard time, but I respect him. After all, he's the only person I know who knows more about bombing than I do."

The mood got a little tense after that last line, when the Joker said he had a prop of his own for Carrot Top, and electrocuted him with his joy buzzer, killing him instantly. The crowd sat in stunned silence for a moment, then erupted in deafening applause. Even Batman gave him a standing ovation, saying to him "That was your one freebie..."

To see what happened next, tune in tonight at 10 PM ET. AND 11 PM ET. And any of the other 50 times Comedy Central will run it this week.

The Shadow Of The Bat, Neo Takes Umbrage

Throughout the known universes the Shadow of The Bat is one of the toughest burdens to shed. For one Matrix superstar it's been utterly debilitating.

It all started with a story reporting Neo, nee Thomas Anderson, botched scores of attempts to save Zion. His primary dissenter, The Architect, exposed this scandal in a series of didactic meanderings so nonsensical BPD has had to paraphrase them for clarity. The gist: 'Neo's been reincarnated about 100 times and he still can't get the job done. Mankind is doomed. Doomed I say.'

The intrepid—though fallible—hero couldn't face the suffering he'd caused; so he did the only thing he could. He blamed Batman.

"The Multiverse is made up of a complex system of balances. For every cause an effect, for every up a down. Whoooaa. Think about it. As long as there's a Batman I can never be The One. It would throw space and stuff outta whack. You know?" said the cutie in a black leather duster. "You've seen how I tried to create that big, billowing cape thing in the Matrix? It kept crashing the system." He hung his head.

"It's not my fault. I've tried to handle the situation on my own. Like, you know how everyone thinks Trinity's dead? Nope, I saved her. That's why I keep failing. I kept saving her. I had to try something else so I sent her to Gotham to take out The Bat. Next thing I know she's the new CatWoman and is jacking into the system as Trois, as in 'menage-a.' Damn that Boy Wonder"

DrkNite-2847, a web and matrix specialist, agrees. "Batman is the one. Like the one, the One. Like the baddest, bad ass there ever was. If you were to check his wallet it'd say 'bad mutha trucka' on it. Batman has survived rubber nipples and Batman Forever. Neo couldn't even survive the Architect and Reloaded...and how do you make an orgy not good? I mean, who does that?...and you know what else? Trinity is a babe and all but DIE ALREADY! I stopped cryin' like ten minutes ago *sheesh*"

Even Morpheus, Neo's staunchest supporter, expressed disappointment in his protege's inability to surpass Batman. "One would think—after 13, 14 tries—he would have saved us already. Batman doesn't try... But do you know what truly bothers me? Why doesn't our mecha have force fields or domes—damn it! Even a canopy would be acceptable..."

NOTE: Other objects of Neo's envy include John Murdoch of Dark City (aka the Cerebral Matrix)

The views expressed in this article do not actually reflect those of The Bugle's Planet Daily. "We love The Matrix a lot. As in a lot, a lot. As in it's one of the baddest, bad ass movies ever made."

The Latest Victim of Evildoing: Expressions of Happiness

Villains Find Little to Smile About in New Study

METROPOLIS -- Every sad-faced kid has been told the adage, “It takes more muscles to frown than the smile.” A recent study shows that a grin might not be as easy as was originally thought.
In fact, for some people the ability to look happy is now lost. The biggest group affected: the super villain.

“Like any bodily function, smiling requires muscle use. If a person does not regularly work those muscles, they atrophy,” says Dr. Thomas Thompson, head of Facial Expression Studies at Metropolis General Hospital. “Years of frowns, sneers, and grimaces have taken their toll on the part of our population that schemes and steals.”

According to Thompson’s study, 90% of the super villain community has lost the capacity of an ear-to-ear grin. Of the remaining 15%, nearly half can smile enough to show teeth.

“It’s a wide-reaching affliction,” says Thompson. “Almost every subject we tested showed some sign of muscle degradation.”

Reactions from the super villain community to the findings has been mixed. Some do not care, saying that the expression loss is not a huge determent.

“I’m a Korugarian despot, what do I care about smiling?” says Sinestro, who has been diagnosed with 48% loss. “I have a new army. I serve the Anti-Monitor. Just because I cannot bare my teeth with pride does not make my life any less fulfilling.”

On the other hand, some villains are very upset by the news. Speaking from his cell, Vandal Savage, who suffers from 85% loss, expressed his woes.

“I have walked this Earth since before the time of the wheel,” says Savage. “I saw Rome fall and dined with Bonaparte. Immortality has been very kind, except now I find out that it has given me more time for my facial muscles to weaken. I have spawned hundreds of children, and soon I won’t even be able to smirk when I dine on one.”

Dr. Thompson’s study also shows that this affliction is not only affecting the villain community, but some heroes have showed signs of smile loss.

“A frown is a frown whether your on the right side of the law of or not,” says Thompson. “A dour do-gooder who scorns thugs with a grimace is in danger as well.”

It has been rumored that the legendary Batman recently spent a week in Tibet getting homeopathic treatment for his smile loss.

While the Dark Knight could not be reached for comment, a certain Boy Wonder had this to say: “He really needed it. You could see through most of the 80s and almost all the 90s it was getting harder and harder for him to grin. Every year he got darker and angrier about it.”

While expensive treatments can reverse the problem, certain people propose a less costly alternative.

“It’s all about a light-hearted state of mind,” says one interviewee, who wishes to be known only as Mr. J. “We’re in the greatest business on Earth so why all the frumpy dumps, all the long faces? It doesn’t all have to be yelling and fist shaking. If you can’t laugh at a geriatric in a vat of acid, I don’t know what you can laugh at.”

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Batman Dumbfounded by Surprise Party

"World's Greatest Detective" Ambushed by Friends

by Drew Bittner, Senior Gotham Correspondent

GOTHAM CITY - The Darknight Detective was caught unawares Saturday evening by a surprise party, thrown in honor of his birthday by the Justice League of America.

"I was a little surprised, yes," Batman admitted to this reporter (who was flown blindfolded into the Batcave to cover the event). "There are many security features to the cave--but they were all neatly circumvented by my friends." He suddenly frowned. "...which is unacceptable."

Hosted by Robin the Boy Wonder, partygoers included Superman, Supergirl, Green Lantern, Green Arrow and Black Canary, Hawkman and Hawkgirl, the current rosters of the JLA and Teen Titans, and several more.

"This is a great opportunity for us to get together and loosen the capes a little," Superman said. "Nobody has fun like a group of superheroes! Well, nobody but a group of supervillains, I suppose, but I've never been to one of their parties."

Booster Gold showed up late for the festivities, claiming that his robotic sidekick Skeets "forgot" to inform him of a prior commitment. "Hey, at least I got here," he said. "That's more than the Outsiders managed to do!" He was forced to retract his statement mere seconds later, having seen the new lineup of Outsiders glaring at him across the Batcave floor.

A special guest of the night was Catwoman, whose arrival provoked some controversy among the assembled heroes. A spontaneous vote was held and Catwoman was allowed to stay, with Huntress casting the deciding vote. "I just wanted to see what she'd do. That girl may be trouble but she's fun to watch!" Huntress said later.

Nightwing, Batman's former partner and the first Robin, was a notable no-show but sent a videotaped greeting to his mentor, wishing him the best and offering to watch over Gotham City any time he feels like retiring. Even though Batman laughed, it feels as though he's been around for decades, despite his having the vigor and appearance of a man barely in his thirties. How much longer will this tireless caped crusader continue to patrol the night-time streets of Gotham City?

Judging by the way he set the dance floor on fire, he'll be crimefighting for many, many years to come.

Want to know more about Batman? Visit http://www.dccomics.com/!

Batman artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Mary Marvel Sex Tape Leaks to the Internet

EARTH S - Teen superhero Mary Marvel has shocked the world, and this time, there was no magic lightning involved. Following in the footsteps of Paris Hilton, Mary Marvel, recently given power from the supervillain Black Adam, appears in a 19 minute video that is making its rounds on the internet. The video is of Mary Marvel in the midst of what Air Force pilot Hal Jordan would call 'crowded airspace' or 'rushing the flight deck.' The men in the video are as of yet unidentified.

Friends of Mary Marvel, including Superman and Batman, have expressed concern that the young superheroine's behavior has been spinning out of control since re-acquiring her powers from Black Adam. 'She shot Clayface into space,' said Batman, when interviewed of the subject. 'Even I don't do that, and I'm the godd@amn Batman!'

Reporter Jimmy Olsen claims that he has his own theories about the identities of the men in the video. 'Well,' Olsen begins, 'I heard that one of them was the new superhero, Mr. Action.' BPD's response was, 'Who the hell is Mr. Action, and what kind of fanboy turd uses a name like that?' Olsen had no further comment.

Mary Marvel is as of yet unavailable for comment. Meanwhile, other young female heroines have expressed disgust at the behavior of Marvel. 'Eeewww,' said Supergirl. 'If she's gonna do that kind of stuff, it should at least be with a Green Lantern.'

Teen superheroes have had other romantic issues of late. Superhero Robin has filed suit against writer Adam Beechen. In a prepared statement, Robin claimed that Beechen has misrepresented his love life: 'He's got me chasing around Zoanne in one book and making out with Wonder Girl in another. I mean, I definitely got enough bat-rope to make it happen, but I'm a detective, not a man whore. Besides, if those chicks get close to me, chances are they're gonna be deader than fried chicken in a minute.'

This intrepid Reporter will stay on top of the teens and their superhero moral crisis as it develops.

Ask The Question!

Dear Question:
I'm hearing strange rumblings late at night beneath my Gotham brownstone. Do you think I should invest in earthquake insurance or is my home built on top of the Batcave?
-signed, Concerned

Dear Concerned,
I've checked your foundation and basement. It appears that there was some supervillain activity recently--drilling into a bank two blocks from your address, which I have forwarded to the GCPD for further investigation.

I have also forwarded the IRS evidence that you are withholding a considerable sum of money, which is stashed in a fireproof box behind your freezer. You should have filed an amended return when you got that windfall last October. Do not try to hide the evidence--I have taken some effort to secure the crime scene until investigators arrive and confirm the box's contents.

If anything were to happen to that evidence, rest assured I have Batman's email address.

Earthquake insurance might be unwarranted at this time but that might be the least of your problems...
-Q

Dear Mr. Question,
Is corruption in Hub City really as bad as they say?
I worry about things like that and I'm only 12!
-A Young Citizen

Dear Concerned,
I find it highly suspicious that a 12 year old would worry about political corruption in Hub City.

Upon investigating further, I find that you are in fact 13, a child genius and enrolled in a course of graduate level political science studies in Hub City. Perhaps you ask your question only because you want a response from an extralegal operative such as myself, perhaps you wish to elicit some words against the current regime. Perhaps you are truly concerned.

Crime is crime, wherever it is found, on the streets or in City Hall. Continue with your studies and know that I'll be keeping an eye on you. And you're old enough to sleep without a nightlight.
-Q

Dear "the Question",
Is my husband cheating on me?
-A Restless Housewife

Dear Restless,
No. But you should stop visiting a certain website. You know the one I mean.
-Q

Do YOU have something to "Ask The Question"? Send in your queries by posting a comment! We can't guarantee the Question will reply, um, as you might prefer, but... what do you have to lose?

Question artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Dark Knight Disappears While Investigating Bee Deaths

The legendary Guardian of Gotham, Batman, has disappeared suddenly while investigating the cause behind the collapse of honeybee colonies the world over.

The continuing deaths of millions of honeybees around the world has baffled scientists of all stripes. Some say it's due to pesticides. Others theorize it's due to genetically engineered crops, fungi, or even cellphone radiation. Whatever the case, with world authorities are at a loss, the only solution was to turn to the Dark Night Detective.

Already concerned that the bee deaths might be part of the Amazons' plot to conquer humanity through collapse of our ecosystem, Batman is rumored to have tracked the culprits behind the bee deaths to an Amazon island colony called Summerisle. In his last dispatch to the Justice League, Batman said:

"I'm investigating using the identity of a policeman looking for his daughter. Name is Edward Malus. Do not break radio silence unless I contact you. And make sure to keep bee sting remedies ready."

Since that last transmission, neither the Justice League nor the Gotham Police Department has heard anything from the legendary detective. Neither was available for comment.

However, the Bugle's Planet Daily has obtained footage purporting to be a videotaped record of Batman's exploits on the island in case he was harmed or killed. The tape is grainy and clearly edited, but appears to show Batman engaged in increasingly erratic behavior before apparently being sacrificed by the Amazons to ensure their victory.

We warn you that the following footage is extremely graphic, and may not be suitable for children:



Bugle's Planet Daily is currently investigating the veracity of this new information, and we will keep you posted with any breaking new developments.

LEGAL ANALYSIS: The Godd*~n Batman Strikes Again

Batman Sues Miller
for Defamation
of Character

GOTHAM CITY (Bugle-Planet) – Papers filed today by lawyers representing the vigilante known to Gothamites as “The Batman” claim the current Justice League Member has been defamed by writer Frank Miller. The claim asserts Miller, the writer of books based on The Batman’s activities, has misrepresented The Batman, particularly in The Batman’s relationship to his young apprentice, “The Robin.”

“B--ch says I f-----g swear at motherlovin' kids,” lamented the Dark Knight, referring to Miller’s controversial All-Star Batman. Attorney for The Batman, Harvey Dent, characterized Miller’s representations of his client as “incorrigible.”

The suit, however, faces some major legal hurdles. When asked if he would testify if subpoenaed, The Batman promptly responded, “F--- no! No godd*~n way.” Dent then indicated that his client’s various duties make for a hectic schedule and that they would “assist the Court to find a mutually agreeable time for all parties –between alien invasions and the Joker’s son from a future, alternative universe plotting revenge – and make it work.” Recent appellate court rulings have held that so-called “superheroes” may testify while under a concealed identity under extreme circumstances. Those rulings have been recently liberalized by local courts such as in the case of Spider-Man Doe v. Jameson. However, should The Batman fail to testify or be deposed while the suit is ongoing, he could face criminal liability. “We don’t think it will get that far,” said Dent. “Our case is quite strong.”

Miller claims the suit lacks proper standing. “[The Batman]’s not real!” Miller screamed from his Arkham Asylum cell. Advocates for Miller claim that Miller’s writings show a “clear mental deficiency and lack of creative capacity” that would prevent Miller from mounting a proper defense.

Nevertheless, The Batman has asked for a Temporary Restraining Order to prevent Miller’s future publications regarding The Batman’s activities.

If successful, the suit could very well open the door to similar claims made by lesser-known, or “B-list” heroes, whose reputations can be hampered by their largely unknown status when confronted by salacious writing. Batman-related superhero Nightwing was quoted by onlookers as noting, “Devin Grayson, I’m f-----g coming for you.”

Brandon Keith Hallmark is an Of Counsel at Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg & Holliway and a Legal Analyst for the Bugle-Planet Daily.

Note from the publisher: We love you Frank! No, really.

All Star Batman and Robin artwork by Frank Miller, all rights reserved DC Comics