This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Sep 7, 2007

The Shadow Of The Bat, Neo Takes Umbrage

Throughout the known universes the Shadow of The Bat is one of the toughest burdens to shed. For one Matrix superstar it's been utterly debilitating.

It all started with a story reporting Neo, nee Thomas Anderson, botched scores of attempts to save Zion. His primary dissenter, The Architect, exposed this scandal in a series of didactic meanderings so nonsensical BPD has had to paraphrase them for clarity. The gist: 'Neo's been reincarnated about 100 times and he still can't get the job done. Mankind is doomed. Doomed I say.'

The intrepid—though fallible—hero couldn't face the suffering he'd caused; so he did the only thing he could. He blamed Batman.

"The Multiverse is made up of a complex system of balances. For every cause an effect, for every up a down. Whoooaa. Think about it. As long as there's a Batman I can never be The One. It would throw space and stuff outta whack. You know?" said the cutie in a black leather duster. "You've seen how I tried to create that big, billowing cape thing in the Matrix? It kept crashing the system." He hung his head.

"It's not my fault. I've tried to handle the situation on my own. Like, you know how everyone thinks Trinity's dead? Nope, I saved her. That's why I keep failing. I kept saving her. I had to try something else so I sent her to Gotham to take out The Bat. Next thing I know she's the new CatWoman and is jacking into the system as Trois, as in 'menage-a.' Damn that Boy Wonder"

DrkNite-2847, a web and matrix specialist, agrees. "Batman is the one. Like the one, the One. Like the baddest, bad ass there ever was. If you were to check his wallet it'd say 'bad mutha trucka' on it. Batman has survived rubber nipples and Batman Forever. Neo couldn't even survive the Architect and Reloaded...and how do you make an orgy not good? I mean, who does that?...and you know what else? Trinity is a babe and all but DIE ALREADY! I stopped cryin' like ten minutes ago *sheesh*"

Even Morpheus, Neo's staunchest supporter, expressed disappointment in his protege's inability to surpass Batman. "One would think—after 13, 14 tries—he would have saved us already. Batman doesn't try... But do you know what truly bothers me? Why doesn't our mecha have force fields or domes—damn it! Even a canopy would be acceptable..."

NOTE: Other objects of Neo's envy include John Murdoch of Dark City (aka the Cerebral Matrix)

The views expressed in this article do not actually reflect those of The Bugle's Planet Daily. "We love The Matrix a lot. As in a lot, a lot. As in it's one of the baddest, bad ass movies ever made."

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