This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Sep 5, 2007

Tragic Collision On Rainbow Bridge

ASGARD, OK - In the early hours of Sunday morning, Thor's chariot trampled Rainbow Brite's horse Starlite in the most tragic of enchanted goat/horse collisions.

Brite, 23, was thrown from Starlite and received multiple fractures and contusions before coming to rest at the bottom of the Rainbow Bridge. Starlite was not so lucky.

Authorities at the scene described the Thunder God as "highly inebriated" and "smelling of mead," but Thor, 1,014, was quick to dispute the DUI.

"Twas' but a moment after we were away from Asgard before a blinding glow appeared before mine eyes. When it passed, yon girl and frilly horse were before Toothgnasher and Toothgrinder." He shook his blond-tressed head in grief. "If only I was the god of speed, this tragedy would not have come to pass."

Heimdall, guardian of the gates of Asgard, witnessed most of the collision. "I followed Thor's path for the first hundred miles, " Heimdall explained before a godly blush colored his cheeks. "Then, fair Brunnhilde arrived, and well, she is distracting. I overhead a terrible crash and looked out to see Thor's chariot come to a stop near the felled beast."

Brunnhilde, the Defender known as Valkyrie, later informed me she was nowhere in the vicinity of the Rainbow Bridge. That is, until she was called to pick up Starlite. "I don't know who Heimdall saw, but it wasn't me," she insisted.

Officer Ian Kol, the first policeman on the scene, stands by his report of Thor's inebriation. Officer Kol wants Thor placed under arrest, but proceedings have been halted due to Thor's under-defined diplomatic status. "He should take the fall," demanded Kol. "I'm tired of 'celebrities' getting away with willful misconduct. It's high time my br-, uh, Thor, yes, Thor pays for his arrogance."

Rainbow Brite is listed in critical but stable condition; Brunnhilde has no plans to visit her as yet.