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Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Jun 4, 2007

“FLAME ON!” MISCONSTRUED BY GAY MAN

Self-professed “flamer,” Johnny Storm, comes out of the closet.

NEW YORK (Bugle-Planet) – New York Gay Pride organizers were pleasantly surprised at a political rally today when they received a vote of confidence from one of the nation’s most affluent superheroes.

“We were holding a rally protesting the recent zoning decisions by city hall when all the sudden we heard a commotion from the back of the crowd,” said gay resident Reinis Parker. “All of the sudden I turn around, and there is [Fantastic Four Member] Johnny Storm standing there, shouting for us to ‘Flame On!’”

“I didn’t know he even supported gay rights until today. It was a great moral boost to know someone like him is supporting our cause.”

Many at the rally - like Parker - assumed that Storm was voicing his support for New York Pride as a bystander. Storm, however, says his actions were misconstrued.

“What? No! No,” Storm responded. “They got it wrong. The ‘Flame On!’ comes from my power. I’m a flamer.”

“Oh, yeah, Johnny’s one hell of a flamer, alright,” said Benjamin Grimm – fellow member of the Fantastic Four, also known as The Thing. “I love the kid – er, uh…In the friendly, member-of-the-family way. Not in the gay way…not that’s there’s anything wrong with that.”

“WE SUPPORT’CHA JOHNNY!” Grimm unequivocally proclaimed.

When word of the incident reached New York Pride organizer Phil Mannino, the organization quickly added its support to Storm’s contention that he’s a powerful flamer. “Effeminate men are so often eschewed in our society – even in our own community. It will be a great boon to effeminate men everywhere that Johnny wants to ‘Flame On!’” Mannino said the Pride Committee had considered “Flame On!” as the theme for the 2007 Pride Festival prior to the festival being canceled for political reasons. “Maybe next year,” said Mannino. “Unless Johnny wants to host this year’s Pride at the Baxter Building.”

News of Storm’s sexuality has sent shockwaves through the cultural-political landscape.

“It’s not so surprising,” says gay Springfield resident Homer Sexual. “I mean, the tight spandex suits, showing off in his tighty-whiteys, the gym-bunny body and the always-perfect hair. We should have figured this out years ago.”

Others have begun to question why Storm waited until now to come out. “He’s had a ton of beards. Ugly beards.” Writes noted celebrity gossip blogger, Perez Hilton. “My guess? Denial. All that time he spent outside the city ‘driving his car’ he was driving it into someone else. I bet he likes the bathhouses. Dirty, dirty, Johnny, I’ll see ya there soon…” Perez’s site now links Storm to both noted gay writer Christopher Rice and gay porn star Rick Lee, as well featuring as a modified picture of Storm with the words, “FLAMING TOP” scrawled onto it.

Meanwhile, gay rights activists have been largely supportive of Storm.

“I think it’s wonderful that such a powerful figure such as Mr. Storm has decided to come out,” said Joe Solmonese, president of the gay rights group the Human Rights Campaign. “We certainly support him and hope that he and his inspiring catchphrase continue to add to our community.”

The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) indicated that upon news of Storm’s outing, the organization has begun preparing an award honoring Storm, despite the fact that Storm has done nothing for the gay rights movement. “Hey, we did it for Lance Bass,” quipped GLAAD President Neil Giuliano.

Storm’s outing brings with it political ammunition to the current administration’s interpretation of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” baring openly gay superheroes to serve under the Stanford Superhero Registration Act. No other registered superhero has come out, though the sexuality Asguardian –now known as “Wiccan”- was rumored to be a topic an article by Bugle reporter Jessica Jones prior to her disappearance.

Token gay mutant superhero Northstar could not be reached by press time for comment.

Staff writer Julian Caiko needs to get his flame up.

Johnny Storm/Human Torch artwork by Stuart Immnonen, all rights reserved Marvel Comics

2 comments:

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Elliott Broidy said...

Best of luck to him.