Bugle's Planet Daily: Marvel Comics

[Photo]Funny is what it is.

NEW YORK CITY - Covering the latest crisis to afflict the Big Apple (and, okay, the rest of the world too), Bugles Planet Daily has found that most New Yorkers have largely ignored the invasion by waves of new-fangled Super-Skrulls and Skrull shock troops.

"Hey, dis is New York, know what I'm sayin'?" said taxi driver Vito "the Big D" DeNardo. "I seen Galactus fifty yards off the hood of my cab--ya think some scaly green space-freaks are gonna faze me after that? Fugeddabouddit!"

Vito's cab was vaporized shortly afterward, but his sentiments live on among the disaffected and serenely undisturbed residents of the city.

"I think the Baxter Building ate itself," said nurse/elderly care specialist Susan Krychak. "There was a bright light--I didn't get too surprised, there's always something weird going on there, but it isn't every day you see a building eat itself. It was like in that movie Poltergeist. I got a picture of it on my cellphone camera."

"If it messes up the playoffs, I'm gonna be pissed," said grad student/bartender Huck Smith. "That's all I'm saying."

"People have a pretty high tolerance for the weird and horrifying around here," said Urban Crisis Management Division Chief Hudson Smedly. "They figure they made it through Galactus, the time when the whole city was boosted into space by Dr. Doom, Atlantis attacking us two or three times, a bunch of big nasty mutant events, that superhero Civil War thing, then World War Hulk... heck, this invasion barely makes the top five. Let's see where we are in another week or two; that'll tell you if we ought to be worried or not. As for me, I'm thinkin' about catching up with my cousin in Scottsdale, Arizona."

More news as it develops.

Much Better Versions of Modern Superheroes Crash in Savage Land

SAVAGE LAND - Both groups calling themselves Avengers got a nasty shock in the Savage Land last week as the investigation of a spaceship crash turned up something unimaginable. Roughly two dozen superheroes emerged from the wreck--except that these survivors seem to be a flashback to the recent past: all of them are "versions" of known superheroes from several years ago.

"It's like looking in my old photo album," said fugitive hero Spider-Man. "I mean, was I really that scrawny back in the day? Sheesh, no wonder Doc Ock used to kick my butt all the time."

Luke Cage (modern) said, "What kind of atrocious cliche is this? I never walked around saying 'Sweet Christmas'! Obviously this impostor knows nothing of my work."

Captain America (past) said, "We seem to have shown up at a bad time."

That may be the biggest understatement of the year, Cap. With the Skrulls having just taken out Iron Man (modern)... or have they?... as well as the Baxter Building, the SHIELD Helicarrier, the Raft, the Cube, and a bunch of other prominent superhero landmarks/facilities/headquarters, it seems that the arrival of a bunch of retrograde superheroes will only add to the confusion.

More news as it develops.
Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Entertainment Reporter Kayode Kendall catches up with mega-mogul Tony Stark to talk the upcoming film and discover who's curtains match the carpet

KK: So Tony, how excited are you about your new Biopic coming out next month?

TS: It’s a lifelong dream to have my exploits immortalized on the silver screen. And I think we can all agree it’s about f—kin’ time. There’s a Man-Thing movie for cryin’ out loud.

KK: Yeah, that movie was pretty bad. But anyway, how involved were you in the filmmaking process? How did you feel about Jon Favreau directing?

TS: Swingers was, like, my favorite movie when it came out. I’ve loved the guy ever since. Plus we’ve become really good friends since filming started.

As for involvement, I could only be on set so much, what with my duties as director of S.H.I.E.L.D. and leader of the Mighty Avengers. Sometimes it’s like I’m in three different places at once!! But I gave the filmmakers as much access to the world of Iron Man as legally possible, and they were really responsive to my suggestions. I feel like they’ve done my story justice.

KK: How about the casting? I’m sure I can speak for a lot of fans who never thought Robert Downey Jr. would be considered for the role but were pleased with the selection just the same.

TS: I’ve got a lot of respect for RDJ. We’ve been down similar paths, faced similar demons, and ultimately became better people for it. We spent a lot of time together when he was cast, and he really showed a lot of commitment to playing me. Kind of like Jamie Foxx getting lifted to play Ray Charles! We wore old Iron Man suits together, went shopping at Sean John, traded stocks, entertained the ladies… *wink, wink* The whole nine yards.

Between us, the practical jokes were killer. Like when I borrowed the Elektra-Skrull corpse from Reed Richards, and laid it beside RDJ in bed one night! He literally crapped his pants when he woke up!! He was like “Oh, crap! It’s Weird Science all over again!” Ah, good times. But, once filming began, it was all business. He went all out with the method acting thing and it kind of brought a tear to my eye, seeing how perfectly he played me.

KK: And what about Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts?

TS: She’s a sweet lady and a consummate professional. I mean, the woman dyed her hair red *ahem* everywhere.

KK: Uh, everywhere? You got a picture?

TS: (flipping open his wallet to show he and Paltrow in the back seat of a cab) I was flattered. Even though I’m more of a ‘hardwood floors’ kind of guy.

KK: Interesting. So, are you worried about all the competition? There are several other movies chronicling the exploits of fellow Marvel heroes. The Incredible Hulk and Punisher will be out soon. Not to mention other heroes like The Dark Knight and Hellboy.

TS: *Laughing hysterically* The Punisher?!?! Even without the benefit of having known the man for years, most people can conclude he’s not terribly complex. But, for whatever reason, filmmakers seem enthralled by him. It’s kind of comical, he’s been featured in a handful of films and none of them are worth pigeon scat. Guess there’s just not much of an audience for muscle-bound dolts who shoot a lotta wiseguys for two hours.

As for everyone else, I’m not too worried. I’m offering moviegoers something brand new. They’ve seen all the other guys before. It’s my time to shine. I’m promising more action, drama, and humor than anything that’s come before! Did you see the freakin’ flying scene with and the F-18s?!? That’s actually ME up there! I did all the stunts myself! That’s commitment!

KK: Here’s a horn you can toot. Would you look at that – it says ‘bad mutha trucka’ on it. *sigh*

On a more personal note, do you have any plans to settle down? Any special woman in your life? I’m sure our female readers are dying to know.

TS: Oh, I know the score. They all just want me for my paper! Tell ya what, I’ll consider settling down when May Parker stays dead for more than a year!

Interview BY KAYODE KENDALL

"It Ain't Us," Insist Sneaky Shapeshifting Aliens

NEW YORK CITY - Speaking at the United Nations earlier today, representatives of the fragmented Skrull Empire reassured the media that they are, in fact, not to blame for the "messed up" state of affairs.

"Sure, it's easy to blame the aliens--we're green and have pointy ears, we MUST be the bad guys, right?" said M'Yk K'rree, spokesbeing for the alien delegation. "Come on. You know Iron Man was always kind of a bastard. Did you really think it was us that made him that way? Reed Richards, your Mister Fantastic? Another egghead with a warped vision of the world... not a Skrull."

Mighty Avengers spokesman Spider-Woman said, "We know we've been infiltrated by Skrulls, the only question is how... oh, that is just going too far." She broke off as images of Spider-Woman, her face definitely somewhat Skrullish, flashed on a monitor over her head. "See? They're trying to sow dissent, fear and distrust! Just like... nah, better not go there."

K'rree (whose name, he admitted, is a sore point among Skrulls) added, "This paranoia and chaos is not what we Skrulls are all about. Look, we just want to be like everyone else so much, we change shape to fit in. All we want is to get along. That's not so evil and Machiavellian, is it?"

Authorities have decided to let the Avengers, Fantastic Four and Skrulls work this out to their mutual satisfaction. It is likely that all parties will end up on The People's Court in the near future.

"We believe that's the proper venue for the airing of grievances among you Earth people," K'rree considered. "Jerry Springer was already booked--which was disappointing, because we really wanted to throw chairs at each other."

NEW YORK- Apparently The Avengers don't read Evites.

Tony Stark rented out Butter last night for his annual birthday celebration, and this humble reporter counted less that two dozen partygoers.

"I think I know what happened," the beleaguered birthday boy bemoaned. "I e-mailed the invitations on the day that Ultron business happened. Maybe that caused the invites not to go out. That's probably it."
He then fished his cell out of his exquisitely tailored suit and said "I gotta take this," although I don't recall hearing it ring.

"He's been having problems all week," said longtime friend Carol Danvers, who looked visibly uncomfortable. "First, he was unable to book D'Or for the evening. Then Janet Van Dyne called to bow out at the last minute. When I asked if Henry was still going to make it, she yelled 'You ask him!' and hung up."
"I feel bad," she sighed. "This has been a pretty lousy for... I mean, thirty-fifth birthday for him."

The Bugle sent a rather unenthusiastic photographer to take pictures of the event, but after an annoyed phone call to his supervisor he promptly left. Reports of a gorgeous redhead in attendance with said photographer are sketchy.

Still, a few of the heroes, socialites, and b-listers managed to have fun. Newly-inducted avenger Ares was surprisingly enthusiastic:

"Fine maidens, fine food, and an open bar! I am well pleased!" the inebriated, self-styled God of War slurred.
However, his demeanor changed when I told him what paper I worked for. Upon hearing the mention of this s fine paper's name, he promptly grabbed me by the throat and said:

"Hear this, and tell your colleagues! If Gyuss Baaltar refers to me as 'Thor Lite' once more, I'll have his head!"

I didn't stay around long after that.

Going "Low-Tech" Doesn't Pay for Armored Avenger

NEW YORK CITY - In a cruel twist of fate, Tony Stark lost the keys to his latest suit of armor. "It's been shown over and over again that even the most sophisticated tech can be hacked," Stark explained at SHIELD HQ earlier today. "My newest suit incorporated a key lock as part of its security... and it seems that I have lost the key."

Coming on the heels of some high-profile missteps, the loss was little short of embarrassing for the Golden Avenger, one of the founders of the Avengers and their primary benefactor through the years.

Retracing his steps with the help of SHIELD agents, the spy agency's director ended up making unannounced calls on Paris Hilton, the Blue Area of the Moon, the X-Mansion, Atlantis (twice), six nightclubs, four casinos, the New York Stock Exchange, the top of the Empire State Building, Avengers Mansion, Paris Hilton (again), and the dressing room of the Radio City Rockettes. To date, no progress has been reported in finding the key.

"It's not like I can call AAA and get them to pop open the window for me," Stark grumbled. "I mean, this is billion-dollar hardware! Aw man, now I'm gonna have to build a billion-dollar can opener."

NEW YORK - J. Jonah Jameson and Spider-Man, also known as Peter Parker, have decided to settle their dispute in a charity boxing match. The match is being organized by Night Thrasher of the New Warriors, who promises that there will be no SHIELD intervention, and Vince McMahon, chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment, who has secured PayPerView rights.

"Jameson will be given pre-selected cybernetic enhancements for the event, giving him an equal footing with the Webslinger. We have a venue picked out and picking up Jameson will be no problem no matter how many guys they got watching him. It should be a good fight," the radical leader posted on his WeTube site.

Though Spider-Man is currently wanted by most authorities, SHIELD Director Tony Stark has decided to suspend Parker's warrant until the match is done. "Well, it is for charity. Which is important. And it would be a good fight." The Director tugged at his tie rather excitedly while I tried to think of a follow-up. "It's not like I'm betting on the thing," Stark blurted before asking me to leave with the three SHIELD agents he called in.

"I'm ready to settle this once and for all," Spider-Man told this reporter in an alley behind a Jack-In-The-Box. "Sitting in his office, listening to the same tirade day in, day out. Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong. Did you see King of Kong? Excellent."
Spider-Man artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

SAYS JAMESON CREATED A "HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT"

NEW YORK - In what should be a landmark civil suit, Spider-Man, otherwise known as Peter Parker, has decided to countersue his former Daily Bugle employer, J. Jonah Jameson, for harassment. Parker asserts that working for a newspaper that regularly defamed his alter ego took a toll on him. Jameson started the legal battle when he initiated a suit against Parker claiming the former photographer for the Bugle fabricated photos while in the paper's employ.

Jameson also claims Parker used the Bugle to further the popularity of his Spider-Man persona. Parker says the claim is "blatantly ridiculous."

Foggy Nelson, Spider-Man's attorney, read from a prepared statement at a press conference last night announcing the suit. Parker could not attend personally stemming for his semi-fugitive status. "My photos were never used to promote my status as Spider-Man. If anything, selling my photos to the Daily Bugle only decreased my popularity with the citizens of New York. On more than one occasion, Mr. Jameson used my photos in biased editorials and outlandishly inaccurate recounts of my exploits."

Nelson went on to read, "For years, I provided photos to a company that strives not only to see me in prison, but, a few times, in my grave . No other paper would even look at my pictures, and what was I supposed to do? Not eat? You know how many chemicals went into making that webbing? I won't tell you were the new stuff comes from, but it is saving me...how would the fingers-counting-cash hand sign be written on paper?"

"My client is not in this for money. In fact, Mr. Parker is seeking damages equal to what Mr. Jameson is seeking, or for Mr. Jameson to end this 'farce.' His words," Nelson was quick to add. "Our hope is that this will all be behind us soon."

When asked for his side of the story, Jameson had only this to say. "You want a comment? Here's a comment. You want to know what I think? What the truth is? Read a respectable paper like the Daily Bugle! Now get out of my office!"

NEW YORK (BPD) Flash-in-the-Pan Entertainment announced its latest celebrity boxing event in a colorful press conference on Monday. Rick Jones, former sidekick to the Hulk, Captain America and Captain Marvel I, faces off against former Justice League of America sidekick Snapper Carr. The event undercard features former Green Lantern sidekick, Thomas "Pieface" Kalmaku versus Dr. Stephen Strange's manservant, Wong.

Billed primarily as a charity event, organizers downplayed rumors of mob involvement in their business operation and gambling connected with the event itself. The fight will be held over Thanksgiving Weekend in Las Vegas. Introducing the competitors, Flash-in-the-Pan managing executive Jim Dewey stressed ties to religious organizations.

"My partners and I have always said that we're in this business to help those less fortunate than ourselves. Our associates in the religious community are invaluable in facilitating our ability to translate that desire into action. And they're excited about the event just as much as we are."

Dewey's minority partner Frank Cheetam echoed the his statement. ""We're looking forward to seeing some heads get busted. That Snapper boy is going to get his thumbs broken. You know Rick Jones used to hang out with the Hulk?"

Competitors were somewhat less spirited but earnest in their desire to lend their fame to the charitable event. "Cap always said that you have to stand up for something." said Rick Jones, who will also be singing the national anthem. Snapper Carr, snapping his fingers throughout the press conference said, "Hey, cool guys! I'm not a square, can you dig it?"

But rumors continue to swirl amids reports of business improprieties connected to the office of In-the-Pan CFO, William F. Howe. Howe, who was conspicuously absent from the press conference, has been unavailable for comment on matters concerning financial impropriety. Howe is also rumored to be working back doors on Wall Street in an effort to conclude a merger.

More on this story as events develop.

Today the Bugle's Planet remembers Tarik Andre, who loved comics, anime, martial arts and Van Gogh—even more than his big sister. This is a celebration of what would have been his 26th birthday. I would have forgotten and called late and sung horribly; and he still would've thought I was great. But no. He was the amazing one.

This blog would've made him so proud. He'd have known exactly how to make it better and made you all laugh at exactly the moment you expected not to. (Tarik's sense of humor was omega-level)

Recently, I found one of his comics—bagged and boarded of course—and began to reminiscence on how our mother introduced us to Milestone and that Icon was his favorite. He also loved Spider-Man and the X-Men.

I guess you'd say I'm a DC and he was a MARVEL. He was truly a marvel.

So if you're missing someone this morning I ask you to share one their stories here—especially if they loved comics like we do. This way we'll build havens from joyful memories and smile through the veil. If you think you could tell.*

For my baby brother: "Dream on. Dream on. Dream until your dreams come true. Happy Birthday Tee!"

----------------
*Now playing: Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Up next: Aerosmith - Dream On
via FoxyTunes

By Mutant Affairs Correspondent
Mike Carey

There’s a lot of talk about omega-level mutants, and you probably have a friend or a family member who claims to be one. Or maybe, who used to claim to be one before the mind-numbing cosmic tragedy known as the Decimation. Maybe you even suspect that your own mutation puts you in that elite and special club.

But what does “omega-level” mean? Really? Does it have something to do with fish oil, or the ability to get to the end of the Greek alphabet? Could you think you’re omega-level when really you’re stuck on level tau or upsilon or one of those other loser-ific levels on the way to the magic O. Is there a reliable, objective measurement of omega status?

Well, no, there isn’t. But our mutant affairs correspondent Mike Carey, who seems to spend most of his mornings looking out of the window and making paper clip sculptures, somehow found the time to compile this handy self-diagnosis test. Is Your Mutant Power Omega-level? Take the test and find out. A score of 36 or above wins you a part-scholarship to the prestigious Xavier Academy of Higher Learning. 31-35 gets you the recliner or the matching luggage – your choice.

Offer void in mutie-hating states, or to relatives, employees or known associates of the Trask family.

Remember to post your results!

Complete the following statement. “My mutant ability gives me absolute control over…

(a)…the raw, pulsating energies of the universe itself.”

(b) magnetism, heat, cold, gravity, light, sound, electricity, earth, air, fire, water, inertia, momentum, human consciousness or a combo of the above.”

(c) my own bodily functions, most of the time.”

(d) certain small rodents of the shrew and vole families.”

When you use your mutant power, which of the following comments is most likely to be heard in the immediate aftermath

(a) Truly this is the ending of days!

(b) I’ve - - I’ve never seen anything like it. Except at Jimmy’s house that one time when we’d all been drinking bong water.

(c) Someone’s going to clear this mess up, and it isn’t going to be me.

(d) Very good, dear. But we’re playing Mah-Jong, so please keep the noise down.

You’re face-to-face with your most powerful adversary, and he’s about to cut loose at you with some super power that will make your brain squirt out of your head like the sausage from a tightly squeezed finger roll. Do you

(a) gesture contemptuously and fling him all the way to Passaic, NJ with a telekinetic whammy?

(b) focus your power into one last, desperate burst and deflect enough of his killing blow so that you just need a band-aid and a little lie-down?

(c) say “Hey, look at that cloud, it’s shaped like a Buick” and run away while he’s looking?

(d) awaken with a new brain and a nose job, several crossovers later?

So you’ve scored with a cute chick/guy or some variation thereof, and it’s back to his/her/their/its place for some hot mutant-on-mutant action. But before you can get down to it, you have to warn your partner for this evening’s programme that…

(a) …if you lose control during sex, you may reduce the world to a pile of loose chippings.

(b) …if you lose control during sex, you may absorb the life energies of everyone for many miles around.

(c) …if you lose control during sex, the bed will probably break or catch fire and it might therefore be an idea to check whether or not it’s still in guarantee.

(d) …if you lose control during sex, you sound like Mickey Mouse for a good half hour afterwards.

A school bus full of innocent tots is about to go over a cliff, and you’re the only mutant on-site. How do you deal with the situation?

(a) Casually reach back in time to the Jurassic era and flatten the landscape with a huge mind-blast, so that in the present day there is no cliff.

(b) Temporarily annul the force of gravity.

(c) Sacrifice yourself heroically by absorbing the kinetic energy of the bus, bringing it safely to a stop even as you die an agonising death from friction burns.

(d) Telepathically notify the next-of-kin.

It’s inter-company crossover time! What’s your role?

(a) I tear reality a new orifice and put everything right again just when it seems as though everything is lost.

(b) I lead the heroes of three universes in a last-ditch, all-out battle against the Anti-Everything-Guy.

(c) I get some cool character moments about halfway through the book and a love scene with Green Lantern/Wonder Woman/Krypto.

(d) I get killed to show that the bad guys are playing for keeps.

What sound effect does your power make when it’s used?

(a) TSCHAKKKKKKKKKKKK

(b) SNIKT and/or BAMF

(c) VEEEEEEEE

(d) ping

If they ever put you into one of the X-Men movie line-ups, what music might be slotted into the soundtrack to accompany your big on-screen action moments?

(a) Mars, from the Planets Suite

(b) The Ride of the Valkyries

(c) Mack the Knife

(d) The Teddy Bears’ Picnic

What phrase best describes the way you interact with the rest of society?

(a) You find people fascinating. Some day you may decide to make some for yourself.

(b) You’re hated and feared by a world you’re sworn to protect.

(c) You’re hated and feared by some of the smaller kids on the block and by Mrs. Fruitle in number 63.

(d) You’re largely ignored, except when it’s take-out-the-trash time.

How many times have you come back from the dead

(a) Seven or more. I am fire and life incarnate, and cannot die.

(b) Just the once, but it was pretty damn dramatic.

(c) I didn’t come back, but I’m a clone of the original me from an alternate timeline.

(d) I had my appendix out once

SCORING
Award yourself four points for every A answer, three points for every B answer, two points for every C answer and one point for every D answer. You should obtain a score within the range 10-40. Interpret your scores using the grid below.

36-40
Man, you put the ohhhhhh in omega. You’re operating on a cosmic level there, friend, and you’ve got some sweet, sweet moves. Keep doing that thing you do, and watch out for any tendency to become a “dark” version of yourself. The first hints are usually radical colour changes to your costume and the extinguishing of all life on a civilised world.

27-35
You’re not quite up in the omega league yet, but nobody can deny that you’re the best there is at what you do. We’d even wager that what you do best isn’t nice. Keep up the good work, and please don’t kill us.

19-26
Hmmm. You’ve got a way to go yet, but you could still be promising Xavier Academy material if you push yourself to the limit and keep dreaming the dream. Your powers are mildly impressive, you occasionally manage to save the day against all the odds, and you can always hope for that secondary mutation to kick in. Okay, it could be tentacles, but what can you do?

10-18
Your X-gene is probably just a > gene and a < gene that got stuck together. Frankly, you’re an embarrassment. Omega level? Omega level? My friend, you’re Kandoo level. I mean who are you kidding? Your mutant power is to make your left nipple slightly luminous. Go home. Get a job. Don’t ever come here again.
Go on.

We mean it.

NEXT WEEK: exactly how dark am I?

This Pop Quiz Provided By Mike Carey, Esquire. All prize inquiries should should be directed to him care of mikecarey.net
[i.e and forthwith we don't know nuttin' bout no scholarships]

Picto-Link® Enabled in Orange

"Heroes battling the wrong nemeses! Villains annihilating the wrong heroes!"

OCEANIA/BPD COPY ROOM - Last night BPD's Heroclix® reenactment of 'Secret’ Wars was interrupted by a holographic transmission. Two oddly attired Heroes suddenly appeared on the Battleworld map with a dire warning from the future.

"Much as The Goracle prophesied the flaming death of sweet mother earth we come with forewarning of a far greater threat. While the everyman—not to be confused with Hannibal Bates—must conserve the earth’s life blood, the supermen have another task--“

“Get to the point Swell![!],” interjected the impatient super heroine Double Chocolate Almond Thunder—obviously a descendant of Black Lightening. “Tell them about the blood fugues, the secret identity thefts, the unmaskings in the streets! Oh the humanity! I. Can’t. Go. On.”

“Gently, good lady Thunder. I am approaching the point," said Swell!

By this time the BPD staff was alarmed but mostly confused.

“Good friends our woes began with the Bat and Arrow families. Sidekicks kept graduating and taking on new names. Their sidekicks took names, their sidekicks' kids took names and so did their nannies. Someone had to mind the babies. In the case of the Green Arrow, his bastard offspring kept showing up wanting their own colorful handles. Something had to give. Pretty soon--“

D.C.A.T could no longer contain herself “Heroes battling the wrong nemeses. Villains annihilating the wrong heroes. Publicists not knowing where to send royalty checks. Oh the horror!”

“As you can see my bond-mate is overcome," said Swell! going to Double Chocolate’s side. “The JLA tried to stop the hemorrhaging by using their real names but they were summarily stalled by The Decompressionist. It was a bad time for the supertariat. The desperation quickly led to…”

The intrepid hero shed a single tear but soldiered on.

“…The Sobriquet Wars. It’s all in a name you see. Heroes live and die by their names and when we ran out…My God!”

“In our time we’ve brokered a kind of peace.” Almond Thunder spoke succinctly for the first time regaining her composure. Using a laser-pointer and MS QuantumPoint she outlined the following:

The descendants of Captain America have named themselves after bureaucracies: Colonel DMV and General INS.

All colors have been ceded to the Arrow Family of heroes with the exception of green, which is sole property of the Lanterns.
The She-Hulk Family has gone the way of onomatopoeia: Smash, Bash, Crunch, Bam, Boom!
There's been an uprising of superlatives and screen names: Swell!, OMGIAH,* GR8_10_21_28, Optimum!, Fantabulous!, Chillax...
The Power Girls have chosen a more visual means of identification: Pancake, 34C, Chestacular, PG-Double Dee and Implant
The Silver Surfer Family has resorted to early anniversaries: Linen Surfer, Porcelain Surfer, Paper Surfer and Aluminum-Sk8r
Joker's Clan was quite clever in solving their problem: Minstrel, Knock-Knock and The Deadly Pun eliminate all who try to join their troupe.

Convinced the Bugle's Planet staff fully grasped the gravity of the situation the Chocolate sistah turned to her bond-mate.

“These solutions are but a stopgap,” iterated Swell! “It’s up to the superheroes of today to build a brighter future. Stop the blatant misuse of monikers now! [undecipherable] Jumpin’ Jehosephat! The Jokers are attacking.” [connection lost--switching to auxiliary feed]

The last thing heard before the connection went dead was *ZZZACKT* “You know, Swell! you can’t have the Thunder without the lightning! Ha-ha Haaa!”

Godspeed Swell! and Double Chocolate Almond Thunder. Godspeed.

NOTE: DC Comics is already doing their part by having heroes share names. Heroes like Wildcat, Flash, Hour Man and, of course, The Lanterns are preventing misnomers one pseudonym at a time.

*Omigod I’m A Hero!

Written by Jon Hex and Sherin Nicole
with special thanks to Mike Carey for the 'Anniversary Surfers'

Visit Beautiful Zenn-La!

ZENN-LA – A quiet and pastoral planet conveniently located in the Microverse (not to be confused with the Nanoverse), Zenn-La is a paradise for spa enthusiasts and those who really want to get away from it all! Blessed with a temperate climate and low-tech, peaceful culture, the natives of Zenn-La are so welcoming, you’ll feel like part of the family in no time.

The planet is ruled by Revka Temerlune*, a sovereign who has the hearts of his people firmly in his hand. He has ruled Zenn-La for millennia, guiding the populace with wisdom and compassion before Terran humanity discovered fire. You might expect that he is a distant figure but nothing could be further from the truth; in fact, personal audiences with him can be booked now through your travel agent!

His chief ‘searcher’ and Zenn-La’s foremost pitchman, Norrin Radd, explains: “Our ruler commands only the happiness of his people. It is a gentle place to live, with no crime, no disruption, no dissent against the cheer and good nature that each and every Zenn-Laan enjoys from cradle to grave. We daily give thanks to our leader for his benevolence, his guidance and his certainty that he knows what is best for every citizen of Zenn-La.”

Visitors to Zenn-La will enjoy the relaxing and quiet lifestyle, offering the opportunity to wash away all of one’s cares. You’ll be amazed at how quickly the past becomes unimportant. Taking part in native ceremonies adds to the sensation that you are not only a welcome arrival—you are part of Zenn-La.

Places of interest on Zenn-La include a statue dedicated to Norrin Radd and the Royal Palace. There are also extensive farmlands and villages, using quaint, old-fashioned farming technologies that our 18th century ancestors would find familiar. Although there are machines on Zenn-La of indescribable antiquity, viewing them is strictly prohibited… if one can even find them, that is.

So come to scenic, peaceful Zenn-La and forget all your worries! In a few hours, you’ll feel like you’ve lived here your whole life… and you’ll never want to leave.

BPD is proud to declare Zenn-La our DESTINATION OF THE WEEK!

For more information, contact SilverTours at 1-800-555-ZNLA.

Next Time: ...we're keeping that our little secret for now

PS, a note for all you high-tech gadgeteers and mutants: psi-blocking devices and powers are illegal on Zenn-La

A special thanks to Marvel News senior foreign correspondent Mike Carey, whose personal guided tour of Zenn-La has been unexpectedly extended. Have fun on vacation, Mike! Mike's last account of his sojourn to Zenn-La, in ULTIMATE FANTASTIC FOUR #45, is on sale today! And if you see him in Zenn-La, tell him BPD says hi and we'll check in on or around Waking Day.

*Our article originally gave His Majesty's named incorrectly spelled; we're correcting this error and apologize to His Majesty

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Metahumans Have No Respect, Laments Publisher Sherin

BPD WORLD HQ - Some work environments are a little more stressful than others. The core of a nuclear power plant, the operating room of a world-famous brain surgeon, the Ancient One's library... Skywatch (take your pick which one, they all crashed after awhile).

They ain't got nothin' on BPD.

We'd love to update today-- there are some really spiffy news items about a litter of atomic kittens born on Oolong Island, Booster Gold finding out that "53" is pretty important too, and the assembled trolls of ElfQuest going on strike for better working conditions-- but the Hulk and Thor are having at it in our newsroom.

Mjolnir just smashed [undecipherable] and [connection lost--switching to auxiliary feed]

...blows, y'know? How many... oh, we're live again. It seems Thor took a little hop from Oklahoma to visit his Avengers pals and catch up—him being dead and all until just recently—and Hulk figured his one-time Avenger buddy was coming to get his licks (hey, he didn't just kick Illuminati butt). So now they're scrapping and we [connection lost--switching to main feed]

...AMMIT!! This happens one more... and we're back.

We have to evacuate the offices, folks. Damage Control is telling us the building is structurally weakened and will [connection lost--feed lost]

BREAKING NEWS:

[sent from local Starbucks]

Okay, everyone, we'll be back on Friday. Probably.

Looking for more news on Hulk and Thor? Look no farther than http://www.marvel.com/

The comic book industry mourns the loss of Mike Wieringo, comic book artist, who died of a heart attack on August 12.

Celebrated for his work on titles including Flash (with Mark Waid, in the course of which he co-created the character Impulse), Robin, Tellos (a series he co-created with Todd DeZago) and Fantastic Four, Wieringo had been working on the Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four miniseries for Marvel.

For more information on Wieringo and his career, visit his Wikipedia entry here. Devon Sanders also offers a wonderful, personal remembrance on the Seven Hells!

Bugle's Planet Daily extends its deepest condolences to the family, friends, co-workers and colleagues of Mike Wieringo. He will be greatly missed.

By Roberto Ortiz, BPD Newbie

SAN DIEGO COMIC-CON – In a cross promotion mash up Marvel Comics and Fox Entertainment announced a special edition of the cooking reality series Hell’s Kitchen, to be aired in the late fall or as a mid season replacement.

In this version, world-renowned chef [read bully] Gordon Ramsay takes a group of high-powered, neo-cooks into what could only be described as culinary hell: screaming, burned risottos and high stress to earn the right to operate a top restaurant.

About a month ago, a number of high-profile friends and family of superheroes were selected to participate on the show, including Edwin Jarvis, Wong, May Reilly Parker and Foggy Nelson. But, at the last minute, Dr. Henry "Hank" P. McCoy was replaced by a surprise contestant: Bruce Banner.

According to sources close to the production this addition was done without the direct approval of Fox Entertainment. Agents for those appearing on the program counter-claim that they were pressured by Fox to "Amp up the star power on the show."

Making a potential tragedy worse, nobody warned Chef Ramsay about the special bipolar condition that afflicts Mr. Banner. According to some reports, Dr. Banner had run low on his prescription tranquilizers at the time.

During the broadcast, survivors report that Dr. Banner's inability to make a “perfectly round and delicious” chicken croquet led to an advanced stage of agitation; he became a special target of Ramsay's expletive laced abuse. The chef was especially angry at Banner's apparent inability to cook spaghetti al dente. The last words before turning into a seven-foot green behemoth were "PUNY HUMAN! HULK THE GOURMET ONE!"

Late last night, Ramsay was admitted to Holy Cross hospital in LA, where surgeons worked unsuccessfully to remove a Beef Wellington from his lower intestine. He will be flown back to his native UK for reconstructive and bypass surgeries.

At press time, Dr. Banner remained at large but was last seen wearing a tattered Hell’s Kitchen apron which had inexplicably turned purple.

"I've got life-spiked fuel injection and a wife who's sitting on twenties. Who needs the AllSpark?"

NEW CYBERTRON - Megalomaniac Megatron has taken up 80-proof fuel and Johnnie Walker® Blue filled ammo in an attempt to chase away a patriarch's pain.

All was well in Megatron's universe. He'd been restored to 'scourge of the earth' status, was celebrating his fifth year of marriage to rogue S.H.I.E.L.D agent and LMD Badonkadon k (sister unit to Agent Cheesecake) and was progenitor of a new species of offspring—a darling simulacrum dubbed Impale.

So amped was the Decepticon leader that he often boasted "I've got life-spiked fuel injection and a wife who's sitting on twenties. Who needs the AllSpark?"

Then tragedy struck. As is widely known, the third birthday of a Transformer marks the unveiling of its alternate form.
NOTE: The three-year time period is said to give the youngling a chance to thoroughly search the Internet and create an identity confounding to humankind.

Excited, Megatron threw a grand soiree to celebrate Impale’s big day. Everyone gathered around. That famous Transformer sound-effect reverberated across the grounds and then: Behold, before them stood a truly lethal looking Red Swingline Stapler.

The emasculated papa emitted a howl the likes of which has not been heard since Planet Hulk blew. When asked why he was so upset, the Dorothy Hamill-coiffed fiend roared “I AM MEGATRON!!!!!” BPD waited but apparently that was elucidation enough.

Agent Badonkadonk has a different take “Office work is a noble undertaking. The likes of Dilbert and his quantum reality counterpart Drew Carey will be great mentors to my sweet little ‘Scooter.’ Plus a stapler can be a weapon of great destruction. Look at how one dismantled the mind of that guy from Office Space. You know what I’m saying. Scooter’s mode of destruction is visceral, not all up in your face like my pooh-pie Meggy’s.”

Impale’s uncle, Optimus Prime, had no comment on his nephew’s nature due to a dearth of Jazz parts with which to punctuate his point.

To further Megatron’s pain it has also been suggested he is father to Twiki of the 25th century. Will his offspring ever cease to disgrace him? The world may never know.

----------------
Megatron's Internal Soundtrack: Tears for Fears - Everybody Wants to Rule the World
via FoxyTunes

Admits to Having an Off Day

NEW YORK - Reed Richards, world-famous as "Mr. Fantastic" of the Fantastic Four, admitted he has been in a slump as an inventor lately. His only serious effort in the past week has been a mechanical backscratcher.

"I mean, it's a good backscratcher, don't get me wrong," Dr. Richards insists, "but I'm a guy who invents time machines, moon rockets and extradimensional slingshots before lunch! I solved the quantum diffraction problem in seventeen minutes, while I was fighting off an invasion by the Skrulls!" He sighed. "I really need to take some time off and get my focus back."

Ben Grimm, Reed's longtime friend and teammate, agreed. "Stretch ain't been on his game fer awhile now," the Thing said. "Ever since Civil War kinda blew up in his face--I guess it dint go like his fancy math said it oughtta--he's been in the dumps. He needs ta get outta the city and get some fresh air. Mebbe take Suzie and Frank fer a family vacation, somewhere nice. Like Atlantic City, mebbe."

Reed said, "There's a six percent chance of improvement if I remain in my current work/home paradigm. Clearly something has to change." He considered his newest invention, then muttered something about 'scratching Schrodinger's cat'.

Heroes Say "Other Things to Worry About"

NEW YORK - What if you threw a rampage and nobody came?

That's the dilemma faced by the Rhino, longtime Spider-Man and Hulk foe, who charged down Broadway following a jewelry store burglary yesterday-- only to find no superheroes in hot pursuit. Instead, he was intercepted five times by NYPD SWAT teams. They brought down the massive villain with a heavy salvo of depleted uranium ammunition, knockout gas and tasers charged with enough juice to light up Times Square.

"What gives?" the Rhino demanded, as he was trussed up in power-dampening manacles and led into an armored detention transport (ADT). "Nobody wants to fight? C'mon, back in the day, I'd've had Spider-Man, the Avengers AND the Fantastic Four on my butt in no time flat!" He hung his head. "Is it... is it me? Something I did? I... I think I wanna talk to my shrink."

"Rhino was a good test of our supervillain response protocol," said Deputy Assistant Police Chief Brock Schmedly. "He's big, strong and takes a helluva pounding to bring down. Our guys are feelin' pretty good about themselves right now. Even the dozen guys in the hospital are grinning."

Asked for comments, New York's heroes were apologetic but noncommittal.

"We're still sorting ourselves out after this big Superpowers Registration Act smash-up and then the whole World War Hulk mess," said Sentinel, one of the current Avengers. "We get to these supervillains as we can but once in awhile, somebody slips through the cracks. Guess it was Rhino's turn."

"Nobody wants to see us miss a bad guy," said Tony Stark (Iron Man), leader of the Avengers and current director of SHIELD. "Even the Rhino causes a lot of property damage. There may be some temporary disarray but I promise, the new efficiency and order we're bringing to our superhuman response elements--the Initiative--will amaze everyone."

Other supervillains wondered if, like Rhino, there might come a day when they'd commit a crime and the heroes just wouldn't care.

"I can't see that happening to me, really, but I guess it could," said the Penguin. "Batman hasn't been beating me down the way he used to."

"There used to be a time when I'd have the city on its knees," said Metallo. "Now I'm lucky if I get a... well, I guess you can't print words like that in a newspaper."

Rhino art by Khari Evans, copyright Marvel Comics

NEW YORK - As a past member of the Avengers, Dane Whitman has often fought world-beating foes... but the New York City Department of Sanitation may be the one enemy his Ebony Sword cannot overcome.

"His horse is a health hazard," says Sanitation Commissioner Roy Schmedly. "I mean, horses ain't too clean best of times, y'know? But his flying poop-machine--can I say that?--is making messes all over Central Park West! It's 'Avengers Assemble!' and I got fifty phone calls complaining about horse apples fallin' outta the sky."

Whitman jumped to the defense of his steed Valinor immediately. "It isn't his fault," the Black Knight (descendant of the Arthurian-era Black Knight) insisted. "He's only doing what horses do. Sure, the result has farther to fall but it's not like we're targeting taxis or mothers with strollers. Valinor is a loyal steed... who happens to excrete wherever he pleases, on the ground or in the air.

"And it's not like I'm the only guy in town with a winged horse, " he added. "Shining Knight rides one but you don't hear people complain about him! Oh no, his horse is nice and white and has fluffy feathered wings, while mine has batwings. It's discrimination. What about Valkyrie? What about her winged horse? Man, I just know I'm gonna get razzed about this next time I drop by the Mansion."

In a city wracked by the daily clash of titans, where annual property damage is in the billions and insurance rates are the single biggest expense most face, this issue may seem trivial. But the dangers of exposure to ordure cannot be known when the animal is a mutant-and/or-supernatural quadroped with wings. Is mutant manure toxic... or potentially mutagenic? Will children be rolling around in horse waste, hoping to gain the proportionate strength and agility of a horse?

Schmedly would not confirm if Whitman will receive more than his current 217 warnings; the next step would appear to be legal action. "We're not sure we want to go around suing the Avengers," he said. "You know a couple of them capes probably know lots of lawyers. Last time we tried was back during... oh, gosh, I guess when Atlantis attacked. You know how hard it is to get Namor into a court of law? But anyways, a flying horse is probably small potatoes, sure, but you gotta draw the line somewhere."

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