Megatron's Pride and Destroy

"I've got life-spiked fuel injection and a wife who's sitting on twenties. Who needs the AllSpark?"

NEW CYBERTRON - Megalomaniac Megatron has taken up 80-proof fuel and Johnnie Walker® Blue filled ammo in an attempt to chase away a patriarch's pain.

All was well in Megatron's universe. He'd been restored to 'scourge of the earth' status, was celebrating his fifth year of marriage to rogue S.H.I.E.L.D agent and LMD Badonkadonk (sister unit to Agent Cheesecake) and was progenitor of a new species of offspring—a darling simulacrum dubbed Impale.

So amped was the Decepticon leader that he often boasted "I've got life-spiked fuel injection and a wife who's sitting on twenties. Who needs the AllSpark?"

Then tragedy struck. As is widely known, the third birthday of a Transformer marks the unveiling of its alternate form.
NOTE: The three-year time period is said to give the youngling a chance to thoroughly search the Internet and create an identity confounding to humankind.

Excited, Megatron threw a grand soiree to celebrate Impale’s big day. Everyone gathered around. That famous Transformer sound-effect reverberated across the grounds and then: Behold, before them stood a truly lethal looking Red Swingline Stapler.

The emasculated papa emitted a howl the likes of which has not been heard since Planet Hulk blew. When asked why he was so upset, the Dorothy Hamill-coiffed fiend roared “I AM MEGATRON!!!!!” BPD waited but apparently that was elucidation enough.

Agent Badonkadonk has a different take “Office work is a noble undertaking. The likes of Dilbert and his quantum reality counterpart Drew Carey will be great mentors to my sweet little ‘Scooter.’ Plus a stapler can be a weapon of great destruction. Look at how one dismantled the mind of that guy from Office Space. You know what I’m saying. Scooter’s mode of destruction is visceral, not all up in your face like my pooh-pie Meggy’s.”

Impale’s uncle, Optimus Prime, had no comment on his nephew’s nature due to a dearth of Jazz parts with which to punctuate his point.

To further Megatron’s pain it has also been suggested he is father to Twiki of the 25th century. Will his offspring ever cease to disgrace him? The world may never know.

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Megatron's Internal Soundtrack: Tears for Fears - Everybody Wants to Rule the World
via FoxyTunes

Leader-1 Update: "I'm A %$#in' Mini-Con!"

After down-on-his-luck GoBot Leader-1 failed to sell his movie script in hopes of upending the massive Transformers comeback, the embittered former Guardian was forced to make ends meet by any means necessary.

Kids' birthday parties. Posing as an amusement park ride. Late-night cable access. Selling his own body for scrap parts. And now, as Bugle's Planet Daily reports, poor Leader-1 has suffered the final indignity...being reduced to a glorified battery as a Mini-Con for Megatron.

"This completely stinks," Leader-1 told Bugle's Planet Daily. "Look at me! I used to be a fighter jet. I had my own team, my own television show, and now what? I'm the freaking robotic equivalent of Viagra for a tyrant."


When asked if he had any other opportunities and why he let himself be used by Megatron, Leader-1 sighed. "Opportunities? I don't even have a MOUTH, let alone opportunities. This is it. The big junkyard in the sky for me. Nowhere else to go but way down."


Megatron's voice suddenly boomed "LEADER-1! TO MY SIDE, YOU MISERABLE MECHANICAL MORON!", and the ex-GoBot-turned-MiniCon sighed with resignation and trotted off. A sad end, and a cautionary tale for us all.

Scooter, currently rumored to be racing cars Tokyo drift-style in Japan, was unavailable for comment.