Megatron's Pride and Destroy

"I've got life-spiked fuel injection and a wife who's sitting on twenties. Who needs the AllSpark?"

NEW CYBERTRON - Megalomaniac Megatron has taken up 80-proof fuel and Johnnie Walker® Blue filled ammo in an attempt to chase away a patriarch's pain.

All was well in Megatron's universe. He'd been restored to 'scourge of the earth' status, was celebrating his fifth year of marriage to rogue S.H.I.E.L.D agent and LMD Badonkadonk (sister unit to Agent Cheesecake) and was progenitor of a new species of offspring—a darling simulacrum dubbed Impale.

So amped was the Decepticon leader that he often boasted "I've got life-spiked fuel injection and a wife who's sitting on twenties. Who needs the AllSpark?"

Then tragedy struck. As is widely known, the third birthday of a Transformer marks the unveiling of its alternate form.
NOTE: The three-year time period is said to give the youngling a chance to thoroughly search the Internet and create an identity confounding to humankind.

Excited, Megatron threw a grand soiree to celebrate Impale’s big day. Everyone gathered around. That famous Transformer sound-effect reverberated across the grounds and then: Behold, before them stood a truly lethal looking Red Swingline Stapler.

The emasculated papa emitted a howl the likes of which has not been heard since Planet Hulk blew. When asked why he was so upset, the Dorothy Hamill-coiffed fiend roared “I AM MEGATRON!!!!!” BPD waited but apparently that was elucidation enough.

Agent Badonkadonk has a different take “Office work is a noble undertaking. The likes of Dilbert and his quantum reality counterpart Drew Carey will be great mentors to my sweet little ‘Scooter.’ Plus a stapler can be a weapon of great destruction. Look at how one dismantled the mind of that guy from Office Space. You know what I’m saying. Scooter’s mode of destruction is visceral, not all up in your face like my pooh-pie Meggy’s.”

Impale’s uncle, Optimus Prime, had no comment on his nephew’s nature due to a dearth of Jazz parts with which to punctuate his point.

To further Megatron’s pain it has also been suggested he is father to Twiki of the 25th century. Will his offspring ever cease to disgrace him? The world may never know.

----------------
Megatron's Internal Soundtrack: Tears for Fears - Everybody Wants to Rule the World
via FoxyTunes

Gobots' Leader-1: "I Could've Been A Contender"

BPD HEADQUARTERS - It's been a rough twenty year stretch for the Guardians. Although their television series Challenge Of The GoBots brought them mild notoriety, they just couldn't battle the outright awesomeness of The Transformers. Inevitably they were canned. Disheartened they retreated to That Was Yesterday, a popular Vegas dive, where they became drinking buddies with the Coreys (Feldman and Haim).

Then a few years ago inspiration struck. Leader-1 penned an ingenious script outlining a return to action for his intrepid team. Entitling it Go! GoBots! Go! he made only one mistake. He narrated the entire screenplay in the presence of slumming Decepticon, Starscream. Wasting neither time nor opportunity, Starscream used his speaker phone to conference in Michael Bay. The Transformers now had a vehicle for their comeback.

Last night, yours truly was treated to a screening of that film (heh heh heh). Which has cleverly been renamed Transformers. Having forgotten my invite to Bumblebee's Yeah Bee-otch! after party I returned to the office. Leader-1 was waiting for me.

"We've still got a chance, right? Tell me they messed up my script and now it's our turn." he begged, waving the document in question. I sighed shaking my head, "It don't look good for you, brother. It don't look good."


Transformers opens this July 4.
The holes are big, the fun is bigger. Go get some.