New Yorkers Largely Ignore Skrull Invasion

NEW YORK CITY - Covering the latest crisis to afflict the Big Apple (and, okay, the rest of the world too), Bugles Planet Daily has found that most New Yorkers have largely ignored the invasion by waves of new-fangled Super-Skrulls and Skrull shock troops.

"Hey, dis is New York, know what I'm sayin'?" said taxi driver Vito "the Big D" DeNardo. "I seen Galactus fifty yards off the hood of my cab--ya think some scaly green space-freaks are gonna faze me after that? Fugeddabouddit!"

Vito's cab was vaporized shortly afterward, but his sentiments live on among the disaffected and serenely undisturbed residents of the city.

"I think the Baxter Building ate itself," said nurse/elderly care specialist Susan Krychak. "There was a bright light--I didn't get too surprised, there's always something weird going on there, but it isn't every day you see a building eat itself. It was like in that movie Poltergeist. I got a picture of it on my cellphone camera."

"If it messes up the playoffs, I'm gonna be pissed," said grad student/bartender Huck Smith. "That's all I'm saying."

"People have a pretty high tolerance for the weird and horrifying around here," said Urban Crisis Management Division Chief Hudson Smedly. "They figure they made it through Galactus, the time when the whole city was boosted into space by Dr. Doom, Atlantis attacking us two or three times, a bunch of big nasty mutant events, that superhero Civil War thing, then World War Hulk... heck, this invasion barely makes the top five. Let's see where we are in another week or two; that'll tell you if we ought to be worried or not. As for me, I'm thinkin' about catching up with my cousin in Scottsdale, Arizona."

More news as it develops.

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Banner: "I Totally Did Not See World War Hulk Ending Like That"

LOCATION CLASSIFIED - In a rare chat with BPD reporters, Bruce Banner today said, "I didn't think the war would end the way it did."

Citing a lack of planning, Banner added that, "My Warbound allies bought into the blood-and-vengeance kick I was on. It was pretty heady, we were all in the big ship talking about how we'd beat down so-and-so... it was kind of a rush, you know? I mean, there I was, burning up over this whole thing-- how the ship they'd exiled me in had blown up, killing my wife Caiera and our unborn kid and hundreds of thousands of people on Sakaar-- and then I find out, late in the game, that the engines were sabotaged by one of my own!

"That was a huge buzzkill."

This secret facility has held Banner since the last battle of World War Hulk, wherein the "Green King" fought it out against the Sentry (arguably the single most powerful hero on Earth). Both fought until they'd used up their reserves of energy; the Sentry's human form was knocked out by Bruce Banner. After learning he had fought for the wrong reasons, and launching a intra-party fight against one of his comrades, all and sundry were then blasted by satellite weaponry positioned by Iron Man.

Banner (having reverted to his human form) was captured, tranquilized, and removed from New York by SHIELD before angry New Yorkers (or beaten-up superheroes) could put him out of the picture for good.

"I don't think I'll be doing the huge me-against-the-world thing again any time soon. WWH proved my point--I'm the toughest guy on the planet, once I get good and angry-- and my reasons for smashing up all those heroes were based on a misunderstanding anyway. Maybe it's just me tranked out of my gourd, but I think that one day we'll probably have a good laugh about it," he said, eyeing the walls of his cell. "Yeah, one day."

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Professor X Shot, Mortally Injured, Still Missing

SALEM CENTER, N.Y. - Professor Charles Xavier, headmaster and public spokesman of the Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters, as well as the sponsor of several teams of X-Men, has been shot and is in critical condition.

Speaking on behalf of the X-Men, Scott Summers announced, "Professor Xavier is in the intensive care facility of a hospital we choose not to name, for their own protection. His condition is critical but, we hope and pray, not terminal. He was shot by Lucas Bishop, a former teammate, who is now at large. I am taking this opportunity to announce that, with Professor X gone, we are formally disbanding the X-Men entirely."

Summers' announcement came as little surprise to the superhuman community.

"They've shouldered their share of the world's burdens," said Thor, speaking from New Asgard, Oklahoma. "If they choose to set aside their role, I cannot fault them."

"We haven't assessed the significance of this development," said Tony Stark (aka Iron Man), director of SHIELD. "Naturally we would have hoped that the mutant community would choose to register, following passage of the Superhuman Registration Act, but if they are not acting or intending to act as 'superheroes'-- I suppose the point becomes moot."

"Hulk smash! No, just kidding. Seriously, I know what it's like to be hunted and hated," said Bruce Banner, who is currently in an undisclosed location following the devastation of World War Hulk. "Frankly, if I was them, I'd have gotten off this dirtball ages ago. I... oh geez. Okay, maybe not. Leaving Earth doesn't seem to end well."

BPD will continue to provide updates on Professor X's condition.

UPDATE: The X-Men admitted today that they have no idea where their mentor, Charles Xavier, is at this time.

"It's true, we totally lost track of him," said Scott 'Cyclops' Summers, the disbanded team's former leader. "We made up the story about him being in an unnamed hospital. See, in the chaos of seeing Bishop's arm bitten off by Predator X (and him shooting the Professor, too) and having to let Cable run off with a messiah baby, plus realizing I'm not crippled by the loss of... um, that is, I guess we just dropped the ball. I know if the Professor were here, we'd be having a good chuckle about now. Guess I'd be getting a D for handling this little exercise, if we were back in the Danger Room.

"Oh, and we're still disbanded, so stop calling the mansion. Really."

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Hulk Downgraded from 'Incredible...'

NEW YORK, NY - Due to his recent attacks on Manhattan and his vendetta against America's foremost heroes, the Hulk has been officially downgraded from "Incredible" to the more fitting "Irascible."

"We felt it was justified, changing to 'The Irascible Hulk,'" said Marvel News Group editor-in-chief Joe Quesada. "His actions have been pretty cranky. I have news footage of him kicking a puppy, for heaven's sake! No, he's no longer 'incredible' in our coverage. If this keeps up, we may even have to change his official adjective to 'Irritating' or even 'Abominable'. Though that might confuse him with the Abomination... ah well, we'll think of something really nasty. Hey! 'The Nasty Hulk!' I like it!"

Representatives for the Hulk had no official comment, except to say that "Green Scar is the Green King is the Hulk is Holku... whatever you want to call him, it doesn't really matter. He smashes wherever he likes."

Stan Lee, press agent for many prominent superheroes, said, "This is crazy! The Hulk, not Incredible? Not on my watch, true believers! Excelsior!" Lee was restrained before he could "rush to the rescue" of the green behemoth, who continues to reshape midtown Manhattan into a crude copy of a gladiatorial arena.

The Hulk recently announced his intention to make his defeated enemies battle each other in mortal combat, as he had to do on the planet Sakaar, as a gladiatorial slave of the Red King. Naturally, his earthbound sympathizers in the superhero community are dismayed.

More news as it develops.

Hulk artwork and logo copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved; Stan Lee photo copyright Stan Lee, all rights reserved

Slugfest in the BPD Offices (again!)

Metahumans Have No Respect, Laments Publisher Sherin

BPD WORLD HQ - Some work environments are a little more stressful than others. The core of a nuclear power plant, the operating room of a world-famous brain surgeon, the Ancient One's library... Skywatch (take your pick which one, they all crashed after awhile).

They ain't got nothin' on BPD.

We'd love to update today-- there are some really spiffy news items about a litter of atomic kittens born on Oolong Island, Booster Gold finding out that "53" is pretty important too, and the assembled trolls of ElfQuest going on strike for better working conditions-- but the Hulk and Thor are having at it in our newsroom.

Mjolnir just smashed [undecipherable] and [connection lost--switching to auxiliary feed]

...blows, y'know? How many... oh, we're live again. It seems Thor took a little hop from Oklahoma to visit his Avengers pals and catch up—him being dead and all until just recently—and Hulk figured his one-time Avenger buddy was coming to get his licks (hey, he didn't just kick Illuminati butt). So now they're scrapping and we [connection lost--switching to main feed]

...AMMIT!! This happens one more... and we're back.

We have to evacuate the offices, folks. Damage Control is telling us the building is structurally weakened and will [connection lost--feed lost]

BREAKING NEWS:

[sent from local Starbucks]

Okay, everyone, we'll be back on Friday. Probably.

Looking for more news on Hulk and Thor? Look no farther than http://www.marvel.com/

Thor/Hulk artwork is copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Letters to the Editor- World War Hulk: Point-Counterpoint

POINT
Dear Editor,

Nearly a year ago, I was called upon (in my human identity) to solve a crisis for the spy agency known as SHIELD. They placed me into a rocket vehicle and transported me to what they claimed was a dangerous super-weapon in orbit above Earth. The super-weapon was destroyed… but the superstructure did not reenter Earth’s atmosphere as promised. Instead, hyperlight engines were engaged and I was flung to a distant star system.

En route, a taped message informed me that a group of so-called heroes—Iron Man, Mr. Fantastic, Dr. Strange, and Black Bolt of the Inhumans, with the collaboration of others—had decided among themselves, without consulting any government or legal authority on Earth, to exile me from my home. They claimed that the world they had in mind was peaceful and uninhabited.

So much for good intentions and their inevitable destination.

I landed on a savage world where only my gamma-powered strength and durability allowed me to survive… and conquer. I overthrew that world’s corrupt autocracy and established the foundations for a democratic civilization. I even found love…

…and then the unstable hyperlight engines of my prison ship overloaded and exploded, killing millions and damaging (perhaps forever) Sakaar’s fragile ecosystem. With my surviving friends, the Warbound, I set about returning to Earth.

Let me say that, at a minimum, I do not return in a relaxed and friendly state of mind.

No, sadly, my return to my homeworld will be a horrifying event full of epic destruction and retribution. I do not intend to rest or relent until those responsible for my exile (and the subsequent annihilation of my adopted world of Sakaar) feel my wrath.

I’m the Hulk. I’m capable of an awful lot of wrath. And I am not alone.

On that basis, your readers may wish to evacuate the area in and around New York City as quickly as possible. A war zone is rarely a pleasant place to be.

You may wish to urge everyone to relocate west of the Mississippi River, in fact. I am contemplating a very protracted revenge.

Signed,
Hulk (aka Dr Bruce Banner)

COUNTER-POINT
Dear Editor,

There has been some controversy over the decision of a small group (me included) to launch the Incredible Hulk on a one-way trip to a distant planet, effectively exiling him from the world of his birth. Some claim that this is inhumane and a violation of due process, as well as a violation of his civil rights.

C’mon, people, this is the frickin’ HULK we’re talking about!

Our intentions were honorable. Yes, the Hulk was once pardoned by the President of the United States for crimes committed as a rampaging green force of destruction. However, that was a long time ago. The Hulk has undergone unpredictable changes not only in his physiology but in his psychology; Dr. Leonard Samson, his long-time therapist, admitted to us that he cannot predict the Hulk’s behavior with any degree of confidence.

On that basis, we elected to transport the Hulk to a world devoid of sentient life, so that he could find the peace he claimed to want. If he wants to be left alone, why can’t we grant that wish? It is unfortunate that the ship was diverted to a world other than the one we had selected. It is equally unfortunate that the ship’s engines detonated and caused a massive loss of life. Those are failures for which we are responsible.

But we do not know the whole story; we only know what the Hulk—a creature of rage, not reason—chooses to tell us. Until such time as we can verify his claims, we remain certain that we chose the best course of action, not only for Earth but for the Hulk as well.

And if he chooses to make a war of it, the Hulk will find that we have extensive powers of our own to meet him and his “Warbound.” We suggest that he reconsider trying us on the field of battle, before there is further loss of life and property.

Signed,
Iron Man (aka Tony Stark)

Link: World War Hulk news