New Jersey Barfly Responsible for Skrull Invasion

ASBURY PARK, NJ - Local barfly Randall "Gumball" Greeves admitted that the present onslaught of Skrull warriors is pretty much his fault.

"A couple years ago, I was sittin' next to this guy down at the Low Tide Bar 'n Grill," Greeves said. "He was kinda green and had this bumpy chin, but he was buyin', so I listen to him. He says his people are ridin' him to come up with some big idea--something that'll really get folks excited. So I look at the TV and say, 'Hey, war's always good. Invade somebody, but just do it kinda smart.' He gets this look in his eye, pays the tab and says, 'Thanks, human scum,' before headin' out. Lookin' back, that might not be the best advice I ever gave someone."

Greeves has been in hot water like this before. "Yeah, there was this high class lawyer lady, drinkin' by herself and cryin' over some egghead named Ray who dumped her. I said, 'Hey, show him you're somebody! You ain't gotta be pushed around. Make him notice you--maybe do somethin' big that'll grab his attention. Get him jealous or somethin'.' That didn't turn out too good neither.

"I think I oughtta stop givin' advice, you know? 'Cept when someone's buyin', 'cause it's just rude not to listen to the other guy's problems, you know what I mean? Speakin' of which, there's this guy from Gotham City, white face, big smile, hangin' out in the bar the other night..."

More news as it develops.

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics and DC Comics, all rights reserved

New Yorkers Largely Ignore Skrull Invasion

NEW YORK CITY - Covering the latest crisis to afflict the Big Apple (and, okay, the rest of the world too), Bugles Planet Daily has found that most New Yorkers have largely ignored the invasion by waves of new-fangled Super-Skrulls and Skrull shock troops.

"Hey, dis is New York, know what I'm sayin'?" said taxi driver Vito "the Big D" DeNardo. "I seen Galactus fifty yards off the hood of my cab--ya think some scaly green space-freaks are gonna faze me after that? Fugeddabouddit!"

Vito's cab was vaporized shortly afterward, but his sentiments live on among the disaffected and serenely undisturbed residents of the city.

"I think the Baxter Building ate itself," said nurse/elderly care specialist Susan Krychak. "There was a bright light--I didn't get too surprised, there's always something weird going on there, but it isn't every day you see a building eat itself. It was like in that movie Poltergeist. I got a picture of it on my cellphone camera."

"If it messes up the playoffs, I'm gonna be pissed," said grad student/bartender Huck Smith. "That's all I'm saying."

"People have a pretty high tolerance for the weird and horrifying around here," said Urban Crisis Management Division Chief Hudson Smedly. "They figure they made it through Galactus, the time when the whole city was boosted into space by Dr. Doom, Atlantis attacking us two or three times, a bunch of big nasty mutant events, that superhero Civil War thing, then World War Hulk... heck, this invasion barely makes the top five. Let's see where we are in another week or two; that'll tell you if we ought to be worried or not. As for me, I'm thinkin' about catching up with my cousin in Scottsdale, Arizona."

More news as it develops.

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Skrulls Disavow Blame for Messed Up Marvel Universe

"It Ain't Us," Insist Sneaky Shapeshifting Aliens

NEW YORK CITY - Speaking at the United Nations earlier today, representatives of the fragmented Skrull Empire reassured the media that they are, in fact, not to blame for the "messed up" state of affairs.

"Sure, it's easy to blame the aliens--we're green and have pointy ears, we MUST be the bad guys, right?" said M'Yk K'rree, spokesbeing for the alien delegation. "Come on. You know Iron Man was always kind of a bastard. Did you really think it was us that made him that way? Reed Richards, your Mister Fantastic? Another egghead with a warped vision of the world... not a Skrull."

Mighty Avengers spokesman Spider-Woman said, "We know we've been infiltrated by Skrulls, the only question is how... oh, that is just going too far." She broke off as images of Spider-Woman, her face definitely somewhat Skrullish, flashed on a monitor over her head. "See? They're trying to sow dissent, fear and distrust! Just like... nah, better not go there."

K'rree (whose name, he admitted, is a sore point among Skrulls) added, "This paranoia and chaos is not what we Skrulls are all about. Look, we just want to be like everyone else so much, we change shape to fit in. All we want is to get along. That's not so evil and Machiavellian, is it?"

Authorities have decided to let the Avengers, Fantastic Four and Skrulls work this out to their mutual satisfaction. It is likely that all parties will end up on The People's Court in the near future.

"We believe that's the proper venue for the airing of grievances among you Earth people," K'rree considered. "Jerry Springer was already booked--which was disappointing, because we really wanted to throw chairs at each other."

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Ask the Question!

You asked for it, you got it! Time for everyone's favorite faceless investigator to answer your queries. Let's open the mailbag and go to... The Question!

Thank you, Mr. Sage.

In further questioning, are any major superheroes really Skrulls, and, if so, can can this best be manipulated to the advantage of all mankind?

A less concerned citizen.

Dear Less Concerned-

Read the current issue of JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED. Skrulls and Dire Wraiths are not the only threat lurking among us. I dealt with a Durlan incursion just recently.

As for whether any major superheroes or villains are truly Skrulls... keep a careful eye on former Avengers and members of the Detroit-era Justice League. BPD will report any known infiltrations as well--see a recent article on the Skull Kill Krew for more.

Can this be manipulated to mankind's advantage? Definitely. There are six ways to take immediate advantage of an alien presence on our planet; however, only two of them are beneficial to mankind in general. The other four benefit the Illuminati and their myriad puppets; I leave it to you to determine who these vermin might be.

Be watchful, citizen... and turn off your light when you go to sleep. It's interfering with my listening device.

-Q

Hmm...I always thought the Latin was "Quis custodiet ipsos custodes." Perhaps a plot to retroactively alter Latin into a bastardized form and thus rob the modern world of its power. Obvious, in hindsight
The Inquiry

You are correct, that is the actual Latin quote. Mr. 9 is deliberately being sloppy. Consider the ramifications of imperfect Latin translations--law and medicine are built upon foundations of Latin terminology. If the infection is allowed to spread, the memetic framework of our civilization is in danger. Mr. 9 knows this; in fact, he is counting on it.

Kudos to you, Inquiry, for keeping all of us on the right course. And your theory is intriguing. Suggest you follow up with investigation of proximate Illuminati cells nearest your location. You know the ones I mean. ( I sense an Illuminati theme this week. Must remember to investigate.)

-Q

Dear Question,

On my latest algebra test, I had to solve A^2 + 8 = 12. Inspired by you, my answer was "A is A!" My teacher sent me to the principal's office. How do I convince them?

Thanks,

Algebrainless

Dear Algebrainless,

Some truths are simply too powerful for lesser minds to comprehend. You have achieved enlightenment--your burden is that others have not achieved this exalted state. Your path is to bring others to your level.

Getting a C in Algebra may be the stone in your shoe along this path.

Give them the answer they want, for now. Learn their answers so you can parrot them back when you need to do so. This will help develop your ability to distinguish between appearance and reality. When you have mastered their mundane world-view, you will be ready to seek the answers that really matter.

Which is when life becomes truly interesting.
-Q

And that's all the time we have this week. Have a question for The Question? Comment below! You'll definitely get an answer of some kind...

Question artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Ask the Question!

It's time once again for your second- or third-favorite column here on BPD: Ask the Question! As always, our intrepid vigilante will take on your case--er, query--and respond in his own highly disturbing fashion. So let's open the mailbag one more time!

Dear Mr. Sage?

I have recently noticed that people are acting odd in my neighborhood.

Are they Skrulls, or possibly Dire Wraiths?

If so, is it legal to kill them and display their skulls above my mantle as a warning to the others?


-A concerned citizen

Dear Concerned,

Odd behavior is not proof. Do what I do: investigate. Start with their trash. Are they eating microwave dinners and lots of take-out food? If so, they are probably just ordinary Americans. Skrulls and Dire Wraiths tend to have more exotic dietary habits--some of which cannot be described except in the most graphic of terms. A key indicator is whether you or your neighbors are suddenly missing pets.

After this initial step... well, I won't divulge all my methods, but you can probably figure out where to go from there.

As for taking direct action yourself, there is considerable danger in doing so. If you're caught, you go into the system, where you're at their mercy. Better to turn over your findings to me. I've sent an anonymous postcard with information to an address you'll be certain to check. Displaying their skulls is an interesting idea... though worrisome if you don't first disengage the Dire Wraith from its human host.

Lastly--no, your neighbors aren't Skrulls or Dire Wraiths or even garden-variety cultists. It's worse. They're roleplaying gamers.

-Q

Dear Question,

My local comic shop keeps trying to force me to read something called "that awesome Scott Pilgrim book"What are they trying to brainwash me with?

-Gyuss Baaltar

Gyuss,

You are quite perceptive, and it's obvious in hindsight. Scott Pilgrim is indeed a vehicle for Canadian mind control, slipping subliminal messages into your Z-cortex via randomized fractal placement of meme-junk. It's sophisticated posthypnotic suggestion, to the point of rewriting your "psychetecture." The dominant messages are "eat more Canadian bacon" and "polar bears are your friends."

I won't bore you with the other messages, but most of them involve tourism and the benefits of living in extreme cold climates. (The underlying assumption is that northern Canada wants visitors, perhaps for nefarious purposes of their own. I have not yet discounted involvement by the Great Beasts.)

The entertainment value of the book is considerable, however, so the potential risk of id-contamination via Canadian brainhacking may be worth it. Proceed at your own risk. I, of course, will be keeping a careful eye on this book.

If you start to wear a tuke and parka (even in summer), watch "Kids in the Hall" marathons and end your sentences with "ey?" I may have to take immediate and drastic action.

-Q

Dear Question,
Qui custode custodiets? (Who watches the Watchmen?)
-Interlocutor X

Dear I.X. (aka Mr 9),
I do.
-Q
PS, very clever with the invisotext... and the unorthodox means of leaving this query. You've gotten my attention.

Hey Question,

What's the story with you and Huntress? Or should I ask Big Mike instead?

-Curious

Dear Curious,

Curiosity killed the cat.

However, I'm feeling particularly generous with information today. Huntress is fine and as for our relationship... this website might offer some interesting lines of thought. I will say that certain aspects of our relationship are not as distorted as Hollywood representations tend to be.

Your prurient fascination with the romantic lives of others has been noted. By the way, you're out of peanut butter and the light in your hallway needs to be replaced.

-Q

And that's all the time we have today. Join us again for our next installment of "Ask the Question!"

Question artwork is copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

SKK Leader to Officials: "We Warned You!"

LONDON - With various rumors from Japan alleging the "secret" Avengers killed a Skrull posing as notorious assassin Elektra, a man, known only as Ryder, is going on the record that he has been trying to warn people about an invasion for ten years.

"We warned you, and what does the US government do? Send Cap America to stomp our [butts]!" exclaimed the burly leader of the so-called Skrull Kill Krew. Since 1995, the Krew have been spotted in all parts of the world leaving a trail of bodies. Government officials immediately quashed the ballyhoo. If the Krew have been keeping back an invasion, why are they wanted in seventeen countries?

"It's all politics," Ryder explains. "[Frak]ers don't want the 'quo disturbed, so we get labeled 'murderers', when we heroes. We deserve [frak]ing medals for this [crap]."

Ryder says the Krew started their crusade after realizing Skrull-tainted meat had not only given them shapeshifting and other superhuman abilities, but also a death sentence. People infected with MSCD (Mad Skrull-Cow Disease) are likely to die within a week of exposure—except for those few who gain powers... however, even they can look forward to a gradual decline in health before expiring horribly, years before their time.

With such a great sacrifice, most of the Krew is not happy to be left out of the public reveal. They want martyr status.

Krew member Dice aka Rob Fortune is very disappointed with the way superheroes have dismissed their claims, but now seem to have "jumped on the bandwagon." "It's, like, dude, my girlfriend was one of dem, you know? My lady. We've been taking out Skrull posts, for like, ever, man. The Avengers find one and all of suddenly people suspect a conspiracy? Not cool."

Moonstomp is showing heavy signs of the last stages of MSCD and hopes the Elektra reveal leads to global awareness of the infiltration. He had many things to say but, due to their irrelevance and insinuations to the inadequacy of my ethnicity, I refuse to write them. He did have one printable thing to say: "But no [person of African descent] ever gave me a disease. Death to Skrulls!"

Anyone (or agency) can find Moonstomp at the rally on July 31 or the Iron Cross Bar & Grill he likes to frequent on weekends.

To date, over three thousand disappearances have been attributed to the SKK's Skrull cleansing mission, including the entire town of Pleasant Valley. Authorities are quick to point out that since no Skrull body has been shown to the public, the SKK's claims cannot be fully believed. "Until we get confirmed evidence of a 'Skrull invasion,' there's not much we can do," said Agent Clay Quartermain of the military organization SHIELD, using air quotes. "Till then, this Skrull Kill Krew should turn themselves in to get this situation investigated."

The Krew, who took some time to start a class action suit against McDonald's, are reluctant to trust authorities when it comes to the invasion. "Any one of the politicians or commanders could be a Skrull," explained Krew member Kimberly Dee aka Catwalk, a former supermodel. "We can't get close enough to check before they may try to kill us."

As evidence goes, Ryder left me with this shocking image he took before leaving Pleasant Valley.

Read more >> Options >>