New Yorkers Largely Ignore Skrull Invasion

NEW YORK CITY - Covering the latest crisis to afflict the Big Apple (and, okay, the rest of the world too), Bugles Planet Daily has found that most New Yorkers have largely ignored the invasion by waves of new-fangled Super-Skrulls and Skrull shock troops.

"Hey, dis is New York, know what I'm sayin'?" said taxi driver Vito "the Big D" DeNardo. "I seen Galactus fifty yards off the hood of my cab--ya think some scaly green space-freaks are gonna faze me after that? Fugeddabouddit!"

Vito's cab was vaporized shortly afterward, but his sentiments live on among the disaffected and serenely undisturbed residents of the city.

"I think the Baxter Building ate itself," said nurse/elderly care specialist Susan Krychak. "There was a bright light--I didn't get too surprised, there's always something weird going on there, but it isn't every day you see a building eat itself. It was like in that movie Poltergeist. I got a picture of it on my cellphone camera."

"If it messes up the playoffs, I'm gonna be pissed," said grad student/bartender Huck Smith. "That's all I'm saying."

"People have a pretty high tolerance for the weird and horrifying around here," said Urban Crisis Management Division Chief Hudson Smedly. "They figure they made it through Galactus, the time when the whole city was boosted into space by Dr. Doom, Atlantis attacking us two or three times, a bunch of big nasty mutant events, that superhero Civil War thing, then World War Hulk... heck, this invasion barely makes the top five. Let's see where we are in another week or two; that'll tell you if we ought to be worried or not. As for me, I'm thinkin' about catching up with my cousin in Scottsdale, Arizona."

More news as it develops.

Artwork copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved

Big Bad Wolf Still on Endangered List

NEW YORK CITY - Local authorities today confirmed that the species lupus majorus malificus (aka Big Bad Wolf) remains on the endangered species list.

"We've heard around town that the wolves just aren't making the scene the way they used to," said Animal Control Commissioner Frederick B. Avery. "Used to be you could see whole packs of them at '21' and ritzy joints all over Manhattan. Could be the smoking ban in restaurants is what drove 'em out to the boroughs."

The effects on the ecology of Manhattan nightlife could not be estimated by Avery.

"It's a shame, y'know. These guys try sweet-talkin' the singers and dancers and boom! Blows up in their faces. It ain't easy bein' a wolf in New York," Avery said. "Maybe opening up a new hot club or fancy restaurant will bring 'em out, but I dunno."

Artwork copyright MGM Studios, all rights reserved

Rhino Charges Midtown, Nobody Cares

Heroes Say "Other Things to Worry About"

NEW YORK - What if you threw a rampage and nobody came?

That's the dilemma faced by the Rhino, longtime Spider-Man and Hulk foe, who charged down Broadway following a jewelry store burglary yesterday-- only to find no superheroes in hot pursuit. Instead, he was intercepted five times by NYPD SWAT teams. They brought down the massive villain with a heavy salvo of depleted uranium ammunition, knockout gas and tasers charged with enough juice to light up Times Square.

"What gives?" the Rhino demanded, as he was trussed up in power-dampening manacles and led into an armored detention transport (ADT). "Nobody wants to fight? C'mon, back in the day, I'd've had Spider-Man, the Avengers AND the Fantastic Four on my butt in no time flat!" He hung his head. "Is it... is it me? Something I did? I... I think I wanna talk to my shrink."

"Rhino was a good test of our supervillain response protocol," said Deputy Assistant Police Chief Brock Schmedly. "He's big, strong and takes a helluva pounding to bring down. Our guys are feelin' pretty good about themselves right now. Even the dozen guys in the hospital are grinning."

Asked for comments, New York's heroes were apologetic but noncommittal.

"We're still sorting ourselves out after this big Superpowers Registration Act smash-up and then the whole World War Hulk mess," said Sentinel, one of the current Avengers. "We get to these supervillains as we can but once in awhile, somebody slips through the cracks. Guess it was Rhino's turn."

"Nobody wants to see us miss a bad guy," said Tony Stark (Iron Man), leader of the Avengers and current director of SHIELD. "Even the Rhino causes a lot of property damage. There may be some temporary disarray but I promise, the new efficiency and order we're bringing to our superhuman response elements--the Initiative--will amaze everyone."

Other supervillains wondered if, like Rhino, there might come a day when they'd commit a crime and the heroes just wouldn't care.

"I can't see that happening to me, really, but I guess it could," said the Penguin. "Batman hasn't been beating me down the way he used to."

"There used to be a time when I'd have the city on its knees," said Metallo. "Now I'm lucky if I get a... well, I guess you can't print words like that in a newspaper."

Rhino art by Khari Evans, copyright Marvel Comics

X-Men Admit Mutant Persecution Overstated

SALEM CENTER - Cyclops, leader of the mutant heroes known as the X-Men, said that mutant persecution appears to be receding in recent months. "We used to get an average of sixty or seventy death threats a month," the monocular hero said, "but now it's down to only fifteen or so diehards. We're not getting pelted with eggs when we march in the St. Patrick's Day Parade any more, and believe me, half-dried egg is nasty stuff. I'd rather have Toad spit on me than clean that off!"

The X-Men founding member agreed that mutant hate crime is largely a bygone phenomenon. "We had a lot of attention last year, when they put Sentinels around our school, but really--it's not as big a deal as some people think," he said. "Mutants aren't the most loved minority group out there, but it's not like we're illegal aliens! We've come a long way; we can even buy homes in upper class neighborhoods now.

"Back in the day, when the five of us original X-Men were just kids, we had to come to grips with being a group 'hated and feared by those we protect,'" Cyclops added. "That was then and this is now. Sure, we had our share of hatred and distrust thrown at us, but heck--who hasn't? Spider-Man's got it way worse than we do! And have you seen the Avengers lately? Who trusts them? I wouldn't trust Iron Man as far as my optic blast could send him."

In related news, the NAACP is filing suit in New York Superior Court to enjoin the newly-formed National Association for the Advancement of Mutated People from operating under that name. Bishop, once associated with the X-Men, said, "This is not the right way to go with this new civil rights group. We should forge our own identity, not trade on the name recognition of an older and well-established advocacy group."

NAAMP replaces MONSTER (Mutants Only Need Sympathy, Tolerance and Equal Rights), established by Dr. Henry McCoy (aka Beast) following the death of mutant pianist Adrian Leverkuhn Castorp; this organization waged a quiet campaign for equal rights for mutantkind but saw contributions and fundraising fall in recent years.

X-Men artwork by Jim Lee and Jack Kirby, copyright Marvel Comics

Electro: “This Costume Makes Me Look Like a Jackass!”

NEW YORK CITY - Maxwell Dillon, aka "Electro," was overheard complaining about his costume's aesthetic deficiencies after his most recent arrest, for shorting out part of NYC's Midtown electrical grid. Wrapped in rubber padding, following a fight with Iron Man, Dillon was bitter about his string of defeats but took a moment out to discuss his questionable taste in costumes.

"Bad enough I get beat-down by Spider-Man or some other costumed jerk if I show my face... but this costume-- what was I thinking? It makes me look like six feet of green and yellow ass! I can't even go through a regular door with these idiotic electro-spike things sticking out of my head. Honest, some days I really wonder why fate gave me the ability to shoot lightning."

Urged to reconsider his life of crime, if not his taste in costuming, Dillon said, "I'm gonna rethink this whole thing. Maybe I ought to try again with a new codename, y'know? I was thinking 'Captain Lightning' or something like that. Heck, a couple of us Sinister Six guys went legit for awhile, maybe I'll give it a spin too."

In the meantime, the high-voltage villain will be insulated on The Raft, awaiting trial and (God willing) a good costume designer.

Electro artwork by David Finch, all rights Marvel Comics