BPD EXPRESS: Fifth Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

The Shanti Virus Cured
Senior Health Correspondent Kat Bittner has uncovered news of a cure for Shanti virus and it's name is Nathan Petrelli. Clinical trials show that exposing infected males to Petrelli results in:

• Pantywaist looks of confusion
  
• Dewy eyes with trembling lower lip
  
• Fierce Guy-Love man hugs and
  
• Complete reversal of all idiotic behavior
  

However, Petrelli has not proven to be an effective treatment for female patients. Quite the opposite. Due to infected women's inability to be 'that damn stupid,' the virus eventually results in their deaths via fiery explosion. (Research suggests blondes have the highest virus-to-explosion ratio.)

If you are a woman with extraordinary abilities and are infected with the Shanti Virus, please contact Monroe Memorial at 1 800 THATS RIGHT THE WOMAN IS SMARTER.

Henchman Go on Strike!
Sick of being reduced to fodder by the "fat cats" and never getting the spoils of victory The Henchmen Of Evildoers Association (HOEA) has gone on strike and asks "'Xactly what's our motivation? When's it go well for us?" but admitted "Yah, when Wonder Bags wraps them legs 'round ya head and squeezes it's nice for about nine seconds. Then ya wake up with Big Fruity as your cellmate. So again, when's it go well for us?"

HOEA intends to stage a walkout and commence negotiations(as a collective bargaining unit) in order to secure hazardous duty pay, retirement and health benefits, coverage of legal costs and royalties on the spoils.

The association, led by Thing 1 and Thing 2 of Cat in the Hat fame, welcomes: stooges, thugs, minions, cheap muscle, adjutants, accountants (criminal experience a plus), assorted flunkies and—the ultimate cannon fodder—red shirt Starfleet ensigns.


Let A Smile Be Your Umbrella but
Put A Helmet On Your Soldier
If You're Gonna Plow Right Through 'Em, You Might As Well Cover Your Horn! Brought to you by Rhino and new! Trojan® Adamantium Tipped Condoms in Magnum.
Now Strong Enough to Do She-Hulk!


Best In Show
Raja, on gigglefest Aliens In America, said "You know, growing up in Pakistan it never made sense to me how, in your religion, Jesus grew up to be so fat. Then I realized this was Santa Claus. I should have known he was too jolly to be a Messiah."

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
Senior Corespondent KAT BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE
Edited by DREW BITTNER

Rhino Charges Midtown, Nobody Cares

Heroes Say "Other Things to Worry About"

NEW YORK - What if you threw a rampage and nobody came?

That's the dilemma faced by the Rhino, longtime Spider-Man and Hulk foe, who charged down Broadway following a jewelry store burglary yesterday-- only to find no superheroes in hot pursuit. Instead, he was intercepted five times by NYPD SWAT teams. They brought down the massive villain with a heavy salvo of depleted uranium ammunition, knockout gas and tasers charged with enough juice to light up Times Square.

"What gives?" the Rhino demanded, as he was trussed up in power-dampening manacles and led into an armored detention transport (ADT). "Nobody wants to fight? C'mon, back in the day, I'd've had Spider-Man, the Avengers AND the Fantastic Four on my butt in no time flat!" He hung his head. "Is it... is it me? Something I did? I... I think I wanna talk to my shrink."

"Rhino was a good test of our supervillain response protocol," said Deputy Assistant Police Chief Brock Schmedly. "He's big, strong and takes a helluva pounding to bring down. Our guys are feelin' pretty good about themselves right now. Even the dozen guys in the hospital are grinning."

Asked for comments, New York's heroes were apologetic but noncommittal.

"We're still sorting ourselves out after this big Superpowers Registration Act smash-up and then the whole World War Hulk mess," said Sentinel, one of the current Avengers. "We get to these supervillains as we can but once in awhile, somebody slips through the cracks. Guess it was Rhino's turn."

"Nobody wants to see us miss a bad guy," said Tony Stark (Iron Man), leader of the Avengers and current director of SHIELD. "Even the Rhino causes a lot of property damage. There may be some temporary disarray but I promise, the new efficiency and order we're bringing to our superhuman response elements--the Initiative--will amaze everyone."

Other supervillains wondered if, like Rhino, there might come a day when they'd commit a crime and the heroes just wouldn't care.

"I can't see that happening to me, really, but I guess it could," said the Penguin. "Batman hasn't been beating me down the way he used to."

"There used to be a time when I'd have the city on its knees," said Metallo. "Now I'm lucky if I get a... well, I guess you can't print words like that in a newspaper."

Rhino art by Khari Evans, copyright Marvel Comics