BPD EXPRESS: Fifth Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

The Shanti Virus Cured
Senior Health Correspondent Kat Bittner has uncovered news of a cure for Shanti virus and it's name is Nathan Petrelli. Clinical trials show that exposing infected males to Petrelli results in:

• Pantywaist looks of confusion
  
• Dewy eyes with trembling lower lip
  
• Fierce Guy-Love man hugs and
  
• Complete reversal of all idiotic behavior
  

However, Petrelli has not proven to be an effective treatment for female patients. Quite the opposite. Due to infected women's inability to be 'that damn stupid,' the virus eventually results in their deaths via fiery explosion. (Research suggests blondes have the highest virus-to-explosion ratio.)

If you are a woman with extraordinary abilities and are infected with the Shanti Virus, please contact Monroe Memorial at 1 800 THATS RIGHT THE WOMAN IS SMARTER.

Henchman Go on Strike!
Sick of being reduced to fodder by the "fat cats" and never getting the spoils of victory The Henchmen Of Evildoers Association (HOEA) has gone on strike and asks "'Xactly what's our motivation? When's it go well for us?" but admitted "Yah, when Wonder Bags wraps them legs 'round ya head and squeezes it's nice for about nine seconds. Then ya wake up with Big Fruity as your cellmate. So again, when's it go well for us?"

HOEA intends to stage a walkout and commence negotiations(as a collective bargaining unit) in order to secure hazardous duty pay, retirement and health benefits, coverage of legal costs and royalties on the spoils.

The association, led by Thing 1 and Thing 2 of Cat in the Hat fame, welcomes: stooges, thugs, minions, cheap muscle, adjutants, accountants (criminal experience a plus), assorted flunkies and—the ultimate cannon fodder—red shirt Starfleet ensigns.


Let A Smile Be Your Umbrella but
Put A Helmet On Your Soldier
If You're Gonna Plow Right Through 'Em, You Might As Well Cover Your Horn! Brought to you by Rhino and new! Trojan® Adamantium Tipped Condoms in Magnum.
Now Strong Enough to Do She-Hulk!


Best In Show
Raja, on gigglefest Aliens In America, said "You know, growing up in Pakistan it never made sense to me how, in your religion, Jesus grew up to be so fat. Then I realized this was Santa Claus. I should have known he was too jolly to be a Messiah."

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
Senior Corespondent KAT BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE
Edited by DREW BITTNER

BPD EXPRESS: Fourth Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

The Real Shanti Virus
Senior Health Correspondent Kat Bittner has uncovered the origin of the Shanti virus. Patient Zero was not Shanti Suresh as previously conjectured. The true origin of the virus is none-other-than her younger brother Mohinder.

Upon further investigation [as shown in last week's installment of Heroes A Documentary] meta-humans [see extraordinary abilities] infected with the Shanti virus suffer the following symptoms:

• Decrease in logical thinking
• Hyper-inflated sense of self righteousness
• Bad taste in men
  

If you are a person with extraordinary abilities and are experiencing any of these symptoms please contact Monroe Memorial at 1 800 YOU'RE AN IDIOT.


Apish Behavior
Superman deported by the INS! Batman arrested for Child Endangerment! Nemesis jailed for flagrant use of Hair Pomade! Law Enforcement agencies rejoice in high-profile arrests due to pseudo-anonymous tips from contingent known only as Gorillaz Color of Mist. The group added to the chaos by releasing the following statement: "She's all ours now! (this is us laughing maniacally)"


An Ass Trumps Bush
You know Robot Chicken has corrupted your brain when you find yourself watching it on TiVo and rooting, audibly, for Paris 'V' Hilton to beat Barbara Bush down, in an oval office brawl. FIN-NISH Her!!!

Powered By N-Bomb
[The following in TV Announcer voice]
The Boondocks Animated Series! New and Improved for Season Two! And You! All the N-bombs, Now With a Point! Blacks, Negros and Coloreds everywhere rejoice! Same Great Laughter. None of the Awkward or Self-hate. Watch it today! Brought to you by an actual black, negro or colored.


This Just In...
If current trends continue the world is estimated to run out of superhero and/or villain monikers by the year--um, tomorrow. We urge you to go Green, as in lantern corps. Every little bit helps.


Best In Show
This week on, the BPD Hot Listed show, Reaper, Bert "Sock" Wysocki officially dubbed the Devil's daughter: BeelzeBabe.

Yeah, we wish we'd thought of it too.

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
Senior Corespondent KAT BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE

BPD EXPRESS: Second Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

Prime On Outs With EMOtions
A class action suit filed against SuperMan-boy-Prime by the Emo Community claims Prime is "not dealing with sadness, love or angst. He's just really pissed off." In a recent press conference Sweet Sally, spokesman for I.AM.EMO.but.slightly.Goth (I.A.E.B.S.G), has expressed his intense moodiness and confusion over Prime's behavior. "Don't throw Luthor into the sun! Go there yourself and burn with love, bitch!"

This Just In...
The unwashed masses now clean and sparkly.
Sponsored by Windex® New, with superpowers!


Petrelli Reads, Gets New Power
After reading Rising Stars, Watchmen and the X-Men storylines: "Legacy Virus" and "Days of Future Past," Peter Petrelli claims to have a clear vision of the future. "I know exactly what's going to happen next! It's better than 9th Wonders! And I don't even have to use Isaac's powers," says Petrelli.

J. Michael Straczynski says "Duh."


Rihanna Misconnects With Dark Horse
When pop star Rihanna called Dark Horse Comics with a "great cross promotion idea" it took them a full 45 minutes to figure out what an Uhm-ber-ella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh was and what it had to do with Gerard Way. By that time, the songtress had lost interest.

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY ROBERTO ORTIZ & SHERIN NICOLE
EDITED BY DREW BITTNER

It's Not Incest. It's Italian!

MANHATTAN - Recently, an anonymous campaign staffer from the Petrelli campaign leaked news, to BPD of a possible affair between congressional candidate Nathan Petrelli and his brother Peter.

"I always see Nathan hugging and touching Peter. He likes to put his hand on Peter’s shoulder and let it linger there," professes the staffer. "When Peter was in a coma, I accompanied Nathan to the hospital and saw him caress the guy’s cheek and then... kiss him. Those lips were on Peter way too long to be just brotherly love!" It was obvious the staffer was perturbed by the experience. “I mean I love my brother too, but all that kissing reeks of man love and southern Europe.”

"Peter's very good with his patients," comments Leslie, a coworker. "He does more hand-holding than the other nurses do."

A member of the Petrelli household staff, Rosa, comments, "I rarely see Nathan here. I assume he has a lot of fund raising and campaigning functions and doesn't want to disturb la Senorita Petrelli and the children with late nights. Instead he stays at his brother's apartment where I assume he has his own bedroom." Rosa shakes her head sadly. "Truth is I haven't seen Nathan sleep here since the time Peter disappeared. The kids miss him a lot, but between you and me I don't think la Senorita misses him as much as the kids do." Her voice lowers dramatically. "Not since the accident!"

Nathan Petrelli and his wife were involved in a near fatal collision with a truck. Mr. Petrelli was uninjured, but his wife's back injuries left her a paraplegic. "I think she blames him for it," Rosa said. Charges have been filed against the truck driver.

Noted family therapist Dr. Jennifer Melfi advises, "All the kissing, hugging, and touching are not inappropriate. It's how families in Italian cultures express their love and affection for one another. People from Europe and other parts of the world express more physical affection with their family and friends than their American counterparts. It is not uncommon for two men with a close emotional relationship to walk down the street holding hands.”

When this was pointed out to the homophobic campaign staffer, he remarked, "I still think it's inappropriate behavior. We're in America! You want Italian, eat spaghetti!"

Mr. Petrelli's released the following statement to the press, "I love my brother very much. There is no one who cares more for the city than Peter does. With the death of our father and my wife's accident, my brother has been my rock through this whole ordeal. As citizens of the greatest country in the world we must find ways to stand together rather than exploiting the differences that tear us apart. Loving relationships will be a part of that change. I intend to do my part by sharing my love often and with as many as I can. That is my promise and my duty."