INS Fails To Deport Wonder Woman

"...waiting for her to ‘get nekkid’ seemed like a good idea..."

BOSTON, MA – In a hastily organized press conference at Boston Mass General Hospital, Police spokesman, Brett Rogers gave details on a botched police operation:

"As part of the ongoing efforts to enforce tougher immigration controls among the US Meta-human community, The White House issued a deportation order for the superhero known as Wonder Woman. Apparently this menace has illegally resided in the US on an expired educational Visa since the mid 80’s.”

The Department of Homeland Security has also accused the longtime Justice League member of possessing a ‘weapon of mass destruction’ namely herself.

It was decided the deportation order would be enforced by a task force comprised of Immigration Naturalization Services (INS) agents, Boston PD SWAT and Homeland Security officers. The team converged on the home of a known associate of the suspect, Air Force LT Etta Candy Trevor.

“We’d received intelligence that the accused would occasionally visit the Trevor Household for an early morning shower,” said Rogers.

"According to the Lieutenant commanding the raid, the go ahead was given upon confirmation the Perp had entered the lavatory and disrobed. The Perp’s nudity was key to the operation as we’d received intel that her powers were contained within a certain magic belt. Further, our own meta-human expert, Nemesis, corroborated the belt would be removed for sake of bath-time efficiency.

To summarize, waiting for her to ‘get nekkid’ seemed like a good idea at the time." Rogers stated.

"Sadly our intel on the magical belt proved false”

While holding back tears he added, “The last thing recorded by the incursion team, was a blood curling scream of “Great Hera’s Rubber Ducky!”

In a scene that can only be describe as carnage, the 6’ 2” Amazonian warrior – dressed only in a bath towel and her silver bracelets – plowed through the taskforce like The Hulk through Iron Man. Agents where thrown with such force that many had to be rescued from the Charles River 5 miles away.

Said Rogers, “It was clear to all present that she was still in possession of her powers and was displeased by the interruption...”

Boston Police Commissioner Will Richardson said, "This is one of the darkest days in the history of Massachusetts Law Enforcement. Our prayers go to the 23 INS agents, 12 members of Boston SWAT, 5 police officers and 2 police dogs who were sent to area hospitals by this terry-clothed menace.”

Maggie Sawyer, spokeswoman for Metropolis Special Crime Units sighed
"I told these morons not to do it..."

The incident remains under investigation.

ARTWORK BY ROBERTO ORTIZ © 2008

BPD EXPRESS: Fourth Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

The Real Shanti Virus
Senior Health Correspondent Kat Bittner has uncovered the origin of the Shanti virus. Patient Zero was not Shanti Suresh as previously conjectured. The true origin of the virus is none-other-than her younger brother Mohinder.

Upon further investigation [as shown in last week's installment of Heroes A Documentary] meta-humans [see extraordinary abilities] infected with the Shanti virus suffer the following symptoms:

• Decrease in logical thinking
• Hyper-inflated sense of self righteousness
• Bad taste in men
  

If you are a person with extraordinary abilities and are experiencing any of these symptoms please contact Monroe Memorial at 1 800 YOU'RE AN IDIOT.


Apish Behavior
Superman deported by the INS! Batman arrested for Child Endangerment! Nemesis jailed for flagrant use of Hair Pomade! Law Enforcement agencies rejoice in high-profile arrests due to pseudo-anonymous tips from contingent known only as Gorillaz Color of Mist. The group added to the chaos by releasing the following statement: "She's all ours now! (this is us laughing maniacally)"


An Ass Trumps Bush
You know Robot Chicken has corrupted your brain when you find yourself watching it on TiVo and rooting, audibly, for Paris 'V' Hilton to beat Barbara Bush down, in an oval office brawl. FIN-NISH Her!!!

Powered By N-Bomb
[The following in TV Announcer voice]
The Boondocks Animated Series! New and Improved for Season Two! And You! All the N-bombs, Now With a Point! Blacks, Negros and Coloreds everywhere rejoice! Same Great Laughter. None of the Awkward or Self-hate. Watch it today! Brought to you by an actual black, negro or colored.


This Just In...
If current trends continue the world is estimated to run out of superhero and/or villain monikers by the year--um, tomorrow. We urge you to go Green, as in lantern corps. Every little bit helps.


Best In Show
This week on, the BPD Hot Listed show, Reaper, Bert "Sock" Wysocki officially dubbed the Devil's daughter: BeelzeBabe.

Yeah, we wish we'd thought of it too.

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
Senior Corespondent KAT BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE