BPD EXPRESS: Fourth Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

The Real Shanti Virus
Senior Health Correspondent Kat Bittner has uncovered the origin of the Shanti virus. Patient Zero was not Shanti Suresh as previously conjectured. The true origin of the virus is none-other-than her younger brother Mohinder.

Upon further investigation [as shown in last week's installment of Heroes A Documentary] meta-humans [see extraordinary abilities] infected with the Shanti virus suffer the following symptoms:

• Decrease in logical thinking
• Hyper-inflated sense of self righteousness
• Bad taste in men
  

If you are a person with extraordinary abilities and are experiencing any of these symptoms please contact Monroe Memorial at 1 800 YOU'RE AN IDIOT.


Apish Behavior
Superman deported by the INS! Batman arrested for Child Endangerment! Nemesis jailed for flagrant use of Hair Pomade! Law Enforcement agencies rejoice in high-profile arrests due to pseudo-anonymous tips from contingent known only as Gorillaz Color of Mist. The group added to the chaos by releasing the following statement: "She's all ours now! (this is us laughing maniacally)"


An Ass Trumps Bush
You know Robot Chicken has corrupted your brain when you find yourself watching it on TiVo and rooting, audibly, for Paris 'V' Hilton to beat Barbara Bush down, in an oval office brawl. FIN-NISH Her!!!

Powered By N-Bomb
[The following in TV Announcer voice]
The Boondocks Animated Series! New and Improved for Season Two! And You! All the N-bombs, Now With a Point! Blacks, Negros and Coloreds everywhere rejoice! Same Great Laughter. None of the Awkward or Self-hate. Watch it today! Brought to you by an actual black, negro or colored.


This Just In...
If current trends continue the world is estimated to run out of superhero and/or villain monikers by the year--um, tomorrow. We urge you to go Green, as in lantern corps. Every little bit helps.


Best In Show
This week on, the BPD Hot Listed show, Reaper, Bert "Sock" Wysocki officially dubbed the Devil's daughter: BeelzeBabe.

Yeah, we wish we'd thought of it too.

NEWS BITES COMPILED BY
Senior Corespondent KAT BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE

BPD EXPRESS: Third Edition

SUPER POWERED NEWS BITES

Rorschach Notes
In response to The Question's recent popularity with BPD fans Rorschach sends the following encoded, missive:

"Sage. *hurm* I control the internets. Remember to forget that. *hm* You smell nice."


Cancellation Of "Good Books" Down To Smackhead Gripes
Confused over the cancellation of stellar books like American Virgin and Welcome to Tranquility, Bugle's Planet has uncovered a sinister, new, addiction-led lawsuit.

Stan Quesadidiolee alleges certain "Comics are like crack you can read!" He went on to ask "Have you read McDuffie's JLA? That sh!t had me running down the street butt-o-nekkid telling people I was Moses. An' comic book stores are crack dens! We huddle, glassy eyed—taking hits offa each others books...this sh!t has got to stop. My wife left me and she took every Spider-Man I own. She calls it tough love. I call it the shakes and I blame the funny books!"

Researchers from the Big Two warn certain comics are just too good to print and may get you eff'd up.


This Just In...
R'as Al Ghul says having one's cake and eating it too is easy. He's having your cake right now. Is there something you'd like to say about that? Didn't think so.
Sponsored by Little Debbie® Now with regenerative power!

UPDATE: Tom Drops Kabbalah
HOLLYWOOD - In an announcement that surprised no one, Tom Cat said he was dropping his study of Kabbalah. "It's too hard," the feline cartoon star said. "I didn't know I'd have to learn stuff! I thought it was just hobnobbing with celebrities, like a golf tournament or something."

"It's been, what, a week? That's about par for Tom's attention span," said longtime co-worker Jerry Mouse. "He's never been what you'd call devoted to anything that takes longer than an afternoon to figure out. I mean, look at all the hobbies and jobs and houses he's had! You'd think he would have settled down and figured out his life by now, but he's just a perpetual adolescent."

Which prompted a long and ridiculously destructive chase, once Tom heard what Jerry had said. Representatives for the Kabbalah Center in Hollywood had no comment.


This Also Just In...
Superman-Prime still an EMO bitch.


Triage Trio Takes To Space












Having whooped all the ass possible on planet earth, a group calling themselves the Triage Trio, Lono, Dashiell Bad Horse and The Female of The Species have elected to hand out beatdowns in the final frontier.

Fans may remember the Trio from a recent visit to R.A.W where they presumed to teach the true meaning of 'smackdown.' However, while the WWE visit was marked by running and screaming the deep space expedition has been eerily quiet.

The GL Corps is bored to tears. "Nothings moving out here. We've got comets that've gone into status. So we've been hitting the weights like inmates. I don't know nothing as well as the back of my hand." says Guy Gardner. The Ari Gold lead Sinestro Corp quietly slipped over the border into the Marvel Universe where they hope to continue their reign of terror. Gold left this parting shot "I don't need to hear the fat chick to recognize game over. Tell Lono this finger means he's number one. Oooh, look it's a birdy."


My Humps, My Humps, My Humps...
Guy Gardner has thrown his hat into the Best Green Lantern Love Hump [see booty] Competition and submits this image for your voting pleasure. He also suggests that Kyle Raynor "suck it." You be the judge.












NEWS BITES COMPILED BY DREW BITTNER & SHERIN NICOLE

The New Name Of Fear....Ari Gold Joins The Sinestro Corps!

PLAYBOY GROTTO - Across the universe—and especially Hollywood—no name inspires fear more than Ari Gold, Powerhouse Agent. Oppressing assistants, backstabbing friends, turning a hug into a feared symbol of alpha-male dominance; Ari Gold [of the hit reality series Entourage] inspires sheer terror in all those who come across him.

So it was only logical that alien mastermind Sinestro, in recruiting villains and ne'er do-wells for the assemblage of evil known as the Sinestro Corps, should send a yellow power ring to Ari's office. Would he conscript Ari into the ranks? Bugle's Planet Daily has the exclusive scoop:

Power Ring: ARI GOLD, EARTHMAN OF SECTOR 2814. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO INSTILL GREAT FEAR--

Ari Gold: Ok, listen here, you pyrite-plated piece of $#@! There's only one ring that tells me what to do, and it's not on this finger. The last time I listened to a %$#ing ring, I ended up with therapy bills in the five figures and a wife who doesn't understand I take calls to keep her in her Tuscan villa nine weeks out of the year! So if you have anything else to say, say it quick before I go downtown and pawn you for a pack of Marlboros and the gun I'm going to kill my assistant with!

Power Ring: ---uh, welcome to the Sinestro Corps. Please. If you want. No pressure or anything.

So it was that Ari quickly journeyed to the antimatter world of Qward, headquarters of the Sinestro Corps, for a talk with the intergalactic fiend.

Sinestro: Ah, excellent. A human this time. You must be a fearsome being indeed for the ring to have chosen you.

Ari Gold: Fearsome? Listen, you purple p3%!$ eater, when anyone speaks my name at all, from Rodeo Drive to Reseda, it's said with the hushed tones you reserve for when someone's career dies faster than Lindsay Lohan gets bounced back into rehab. If you want me to take this whole "esprit de corpse" crap seriously, you better show me something more than a bunch of flying fake jewelry and guys who looked like they got rejected from a Troma Films audition.

Sinestro: WHAT? HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME
IN SUCH A FASHION, YOU HAIRLESS APE! I AM SINESTRO, LEADER OF THE SINESTRO CORPS! THROUGH ME SHALL TERROR BE BROUGHT TO THE UNIVERSE! ALL WILL BOW BEFORE THE POWER OF FEAR THAT I COMMAND!

Ari Gold: Nice speech, Jughead. If I was 25 and liked c@#!, we might've been something. But right here and now, you're just wasting my time, and you know what I do with people who waste my time?

Sinestro: I WILL--

*Ari promptly incinerates Sinestro*

Ari Gold: Well, I was gonna hug it out with you, b?!$&h, but in your case, I made an exception.

And so it was that Ari Gold took command of the Sinestro Corps, laying waste to all opposition before him. His first task, naturally, was to commission the Corps to ensure that Ari's number-one talent, Vince Chase, starred in the film version of "Green Lantern.

Vince: Ari, I don't get it. Why does every girl this Kyle Rayner guy dates end up in a refrigerator?

Drama: Heyyy, check out the skirts this Hal Jordan guy chases! Sign me up!

Turtle: WHAT? My first part in a movie and I'm playing the pig-faced dude? Ari, what's all that?

Eric: Ari, I really dunno if this is right for Vince. Maybe we should think about it.

Ari Gold: Think? THINK? DON'T THINK, SIGN THE DEAL! FIRE BAD! This is not rocket science! You're making this f&*^%ng movie happen if I have to take over the entire multiverse to do it! Lloyd! LLOYD! Get the paperwork in here for this deal or I'll put you in the cage with Superboy Prime again, I swear to God!

Eric: Ari, maybe you should just slow it down and we can think of other options here.

Ari Gold (cocking power ring): Oh, I have a few options in mind, believe me....

*incinerates Eric*

Ari Gold: Anyone else got problems? No? Good. Lloyd, get me a double decaf latte and the sector assignment of that Soranik Natu chick. I want a better look at how she slings her ring. (smiles) It's good to be the boss.

GL Corps Arrests Watcher for Voyeurism

"Cosmic Peeping Tom!" Accuses Guy Gardner

OA - Green Lantern Corps members stormed the Blue Area of the Moon yesterday and took Uatu (aka, "the Watcher") into custody; he will be charged with mass violations of privacy. Speaking for the Corps, Salaak said, "We've had the Watcher under surveillance for some time now. Thousands of sentient-hours went into this case and we're proud of the result."The Corps alleges that Uatu has been essentially a "cosmic peeping tom" who peered under the clothes and into the windows of every world in the multiverse. The Corps alleges that Uatu, under the guise of his charge to observe was, in fact the worst kind of galactic predator.

The Corps' detractors charge that the high profile move against the Watcher was only an effort to drum up good press in a bad time and distract critics. The allegation would not be far-fetched if the Corps did not have crisis-level challenges. Problems have only multiplied for the ringslinging agents of the Guardians of the Universe.

Recently, the Green Lantern Corps has suffered massive fatalities after attacks by rival Sinestro Corps, who spread fear using yellow power rings. Members of this Corps reportedly include some of the most terrible and evil beings known to exist. Also, rumors persist of pink power rings in use by a "Star Sapphire Corps," which may or may not be a further complication to the emerald lawmen.

Countering those claims, veteran GL and honor guardsman Guy Gardner said, "This big-headed freak was getting his jollies peeping into the bathrooms and bedrooms of everybody. He's been doing it for years! Am I the only one totally creeped out by that? Didn't think so! We either take space-law seriously or we pack it in and turn off the big green lantern on Oa.

"Thanks to us he ain't 'watching' anymore. Besides, he's not as tough as the Sinestro Corps."

Uatu is seeking new legal representation following the sudden demise of his attorney, Harvey "I'll Take the Case!" Birdman.

Uatu the Watcher copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved
Guy Gardner, Green Lantern Corps and Sinestro Corps copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Kyle Rayner Verklempt Over Attention Paid Hal Jordan

BPD HEADQUARTERS - It took hours to console him—parts of which involved my hands in places I can only hope will not incur a lawsuit. Yesterday Kyle Rayner, AKA Ion, sat in my office a completely heartbroken man.

Kyle, a good friend, just needed someone to listen while he got his rant on. Dude just couldn't understand why Female Fandom loves Hal Jordan so much and he so little

"I'm sick of it. I'm not a jealous guy, but aren't I just as good as Hal? I'm cute. I'm a graphic artist. I've got stars in my aspect and in my eyes. I mean, I'm straight-up poetic!"

"Maybe you don't get hit in the head enough..." I ventured.

"I've been hit in the head," he replied vehemently "and, anyway, I found my girlfriend in the refrigerator...that's gotta be good for something. Pity. Pathos. Something!"

One can't argue with that logic.

I've got a great booty too. Look! Look, okay, now feel it." I took a quick glance around the office. Martin ducked under his desk shaking with mirth. Drew made some excuse about a toe-nail trimming appointment and ran past at the speed of sound.

Great, I thought to myself. Then I squooze his love hump. "Um, it's really nice Kyle. Really." I paused then, "But, I gotta tell you, Emo is a choice. Fight it, man. Fight it!"

"But tell me why. WWhhhyyy won't. they. love. meeee?" At this point I grew weary and elected to weep, fallaciously, for the great crushing tide of angst that gripped him. "Yes, Yes," I intoned, "you have borne the weight of persecution...You might as well be a black man...or a Jew. John Stewart ain't got nothing on you. Neither one of them." [see also Jon Stewart]

I held his head to my bosom in the effort of consolation. This seemed to calm him. Although, it is also possible he simply couldn't breathe.

Finally he looked up at me with pleading eyes "Will you call Ragnell and ask her to do a Butt Touch Comparison?"

Unable to say no I quickly agreed and encouraged him to go home. But not before handing him the box of Kleenex off my desk—in which I had slipped the business card of one Doc Samson.