Morticoccus Inoculations Discontinued

WASHINGTON DC (EARTH 51) - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have determined that continuing the morticoccus inoculation program (announced three weeks ago in BPD) would be "a waste of time."

Health Secretary G. Rimreeper said, in a press conference today, "We thought that an aggressive inoculation program would contain this 31st century sentient virus, but apparently we were wrong. Truth is, our best efforts are useless. However, we prefer to look on the bright side. Despite its name, morticoccus has not proven to be exceptionally lethal--only an estimated two out of five victims actually perish. The others may end up transformed through hybridization with animal DNA, but at least they're not dead!"

Taking in a press corps that had mostly turned into vultures, the sheep-like Rimreeper did not finish more than his opening statement before fleeing for his life. (Unsuccessfully.)

Rumors that an uncontaminated youth and his grandfather have taken refuge in a military bunker remain unconfirmed at press time. Additional rumors that Green Lantern fled Earth "like a little bee-yotch" (per extradimensional troublemaker Red Robin) are also unconfirmed-- some witnesses assert that he went into deep space to find a cure from more advanced alien sciences. The bad news: if Green Lantern was exposed to morticoccus, it is possible that many hundreds or thousands of alien worlds are now suffering exposure. Way to go, you idiot.

The pathetic remnants of civilization around the globe would like to thank the Challengers from Beyond for exposing us to this "smart bug" and wiping us out. We really didn't think the challenges of continued existence were for us anyway. But as a way to say goodbye, we're seeing if we can't get a cross-dimensional portal up and running-- we'd be happy to share our viral good fortune with lots and lots of other Earths. Preliminary work indicates a zombie world nearby...

Ask the Question!

Well, we held off as long as we could, but it's time for a new round of ASK THE QUESTION! Hub City's favorite vigilante/conspiracy theorist is back to solve your problems his way. Buckle your seats, readers, as we open the mailbag...

ANONYMOUS ASKS: Mr. Sage(?)
What is going on with the Weekly World News closing down? I am worried some goverment conspiracy closed down one of the last honest news sources. Can you provide details?

A good question, almost-nameless citizen. Upon investigation, I discovered that the entire staff of Weekly World News had been replaced by automata--androids meant to pass as human. The magazine's output was turned into an elaborate misinformation campaign, designed to confuse humanity in a time of impending crisis. Efforts to contain and analyze the androids led to mass self-destruction.
The location of the human staffers is undetermined at this time but I will continue to investigate.

For what it's worth, I miss the WWN too. You've made a good choice, subscribing to The Monthly X, though.

-Q

Hey Question!

There are weird images cropping up on the Internet. One shows Superman crying on Wonder Woman's shoulder and Batman with a scimitar (!); another shows Lex Luthor crying, on his knees in front of Darkseid's half-buried head.

What gives?

-Worried in Washington

Dear Worried,

I know the images you describe and am likewise concerned. The behavior of heroes and villains alike has been suspiciously chaotic and unpredictable. One might suspect that there is a mastermind behind these developments--and one does.

I am on the trail of something very large, the scope of which is... frightening.

Rest assured, you will read the results of my investigations here.

-Q

Dear Mr. Question,

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Poptm?

-Idly Curious

Dear Idly,

How lucky for you that I find you entertaining... for now.

Piece of advice: stop antagonizing your Xbox Live opponents with contemptuous "boo-yahs" when you score a kill in HALO 3. I've provided two of them--ones who have a particular enthusiasm for paintball and "happy slap" greetings--with your address and daily itinerary.

I imagine your life will be far from "idle" very soon...

-Q

Question,

What do I do if I think there are supervillains setting up shop in my neighborhood? There's a storefront that's only open after midnight, closing before sunrise, and attracting a very unsavory crowd.

-Unsettled in Coast City

Dear Unsettled,

Your vigilance is rewarded. This is indeed a problematic situation. It appears Intergang has established a night-hours-only weapons store for lowlifes in your fair city.

I have alerted Green Lantern and other West Coast-based heroes but, given their own professional emergencies, it may be some time before they can attend this matter. If possible, maintain a discreet surveillance but do not endanger yourself with direct observation. Take notes--an eyewitness account will be important at trial. And be prepared to be relocated under another identity.

Congratulations, citizen. You have been drafted into the war on crime.

-Q

That's all we have time for this week. Got a problem you need solved? ASK THE QUESTION!

And don't forget, there's a brand-new collection of The Question's cases on bookshelves now-- ask for it at your local store!

See you next time!

Question artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Batman Dumbfounded by Surprise Party

"World's Greatest Detective" Ambushed by Friends

by Drew Bittner, Senior Gotham Correspondent

GOTHAM CITY - The Darknight Detective was caught unawares Saturday evening by a surprise party, thrown in honor of his birthday by the Justice League of America.

"I was a little surprised, yes," Batman admitted to this reporter (who was flown blindfolded into the Batcave to cover the event). "There are many security features to the cave--but they were all neatly circumvented by my friends." He suddenly frowned. "...which is unacceptable."

Hosted by Robin the Boy Wonder, partygoers included Superman, Supergirl, Green Lantern, Green Arrow and Black Canary, Hawkman and Hawkgirl, the current rosters of the JLA and Teen Titans, and several more.

"This is a great opportunity for us to get together and loosen the capes a little," Superman said. "Nobody has fun like a group of superheroes! Well, nobody but a group of supervillains, I suppose, but I've never been to one of their parties."

Booster Gold showed up late for the festivities, claiming that his robotic sidekick Skeets "forgot" to inform him of a prior commitment. "Hey, at least I got here," he said. "That's more than the Outsiders managed to do!" He was forced to retract his statement mere seconds later, having seen the new lineup of Outsiders glaring at him across the Batcave floor.

A special guest of the night was Catwoman, whose arrival provoked some controversy among the assembled heroes. A spontaneous vote was held and Catwoman was allowed to stay, with Huntress casting the deciding vote. "I just wanted to see what she'd do. That girl may be trouble but she's fun to watch!" Huntress said later.

Nightwing, Batman's former partner and the first Robin, was a notable no-show but sent a videotaped greeting to his mentor, wishing him the best and offering to watch over Gotham City any time he feels like retiring. Even though Batman laughed, it feels as though he's been around for decades, despite his having the vigor and appearance of a man barely in his thirties. How much longer will this tireless caped crusader continue to patrol the night-time streets of Gotham City?

Judging by the way he set the dance floor on fire, he'll be crimefighting for many, many years to come.

Want to know more about Batman? Visit http://www.dccomics.com/!

Batman artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

The New Name Of Fear....Ari Gold Joins The Sinestro Corps!

PLAYBOY GROTTO - Across the universe—and especially Hollywood—no name inspires fear more than Ari Gold, Powerhouse Agent. Oppressing assistants, backstabbing friends, turning a hug into a feared symbol of alpha-male dominance; Ari Gold [of the hit reality series Entourage] inspires sheer terror in all those who come across him.

So it was only logical that alien mastermind Sinestro, in recruiting villains and ne'er do-wells for the assemblage of evil known as the Sinestro Corps, should send a yellow power ring to Ari's office. Would he conscript Ari into the ranks? Bugle's Planet Daily has the exclusive scoop:

Power Ring: ARI GOLD, EARTHMAN OF SECTOR 2814. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO INSTILL GREAT FEAR--

Ari Gold: Ok, listen here, you pyrite-plated piece of $#@! There's only one ring that tells me what to do, and it's not on this finger. The last time I listened to a %$#ing ring, I ended up with therapy bills in the five figures and a wife who doesn't understand I take calls to keep her in her Tuscan villa nine weeks out of the year! So if you have anything else to say, say it quick before I go downtown and pawn you for a pack of Marlboros and the gun I'm going to kill my assistant with!

Power Ring: ---uh, welcome to the Sinestro Corps. Please. If you want. No pressure or anything.

So it was that Ari quickly journeyed to the antimatter world of Qward, headquarters of the Sinestro Corps, for a talk with the intergalactic fiend.

Sinestro: Ah, excellent. A human this time. You must be a fearsome being indeed for the ring to have chosen you.

Ari Gold: Fearsome? Listen, you purple p3%!$ eater, when anyone speaks my name at all, from Rodeo Drive to Reseda, it's said with the hushed tones you reserve for when someone's career dies faster than Lindsay Lohan gets bounced back into rehab. If you want me to take this whole "esprit de corpse" crap seriously, you better show me something more than a bunch of flying fake jewelry and guys who looked like they got rejected from a Troma Films audition.

Sinestro: WHAT? HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME
IN SUCH A FASHION, YOU HAIRLESS APE! I AM SINESTRO, LEADER OF THE SINESTRO CORPS! THROUGH ME SHALL TERROR BE BROUGHT TO THE UNIVERSE! ALL WILL BOW BEFORE THE POWER OF FEAR THAT I COMMAND!

Ari Gold: Nice speech, Jughead. If I was 25 and liked c@#!, we might've been something. But right here and now, you're just wasting my time, and you know what I do with people who waste my time?

Sinestro: I WILL--

*Ari promptly incinerates Sinestro*

Ari Gold: Well, I was gonna hug it out with you, b?!$&h, but in your case, I made an exception.

And so it was that Ari Gold took command of the Sinestro Corps, laying waste to all opposition before him. His first task, naturally, was to commission the Corps to ensure that Ari's number-one talent, Vince Chase, starred in the film version of "Green Lantern.

Vince: Ari, I don't get it. Why does every girl this Kyle Rayner guy dates end up in a refrigerator?

Drama: Heyyy, check out the skirts this Hal Jordan guy chases! Sign me up!

Turtle: WHAT? My first part in a movie and I'm playing the pig-faced dude? Ari, what's all that?

Eric: Ari, I really dunno if this is right for Vince. Maybe we should think about it.

Ari Gold: Think? THINK? DON'T THINK, SIGN THE DEAL! FIRE BAD! This is not rocket science! You're making this f&*^%ng movie happen if I have to take over the entire multiverse to do it! Lloyd! LLOYD! Get the paperwork in here for this deal or I'll put you in the cage with Superboy Prime again, I swear to God!

Eric: Ari, maybe you should just slow it down and we can think of other options here.

Ari Gold (cocking power ring): Oh, I have a few options in mind, believe me....

*incinerates Eric*

Ari Gold: Anyone else got problems? No? Good. Lloyd, get me a double decaf latte and the sector assignment of that Soranik Natu chick. I want a better look at how she slings her ring. (smiles) It's good to be the boss.

GL Corps Arrests Watcher for Voyeurism

"Cosmic Peeping Tom!" Accuses Guy Gardner

OA - Green Lantern Corps members stormed the Blue Area of the Moon yesterday and took Uatu (aka, "the Watcher") into custody; he will be charged with mass violations of privacy. Speaking for the Corps, Salaak said, "We've had the Watcher under surveillance for some time now. Thousands of sentient-hours went into this case and we're proud of the result."The Corps alleges that Uatu has been essentially a "cosmic peeping tom" who peered under the clothes and into the windows of every world in the multiverse. The Corps alleges that Uatu, under the guise of his charge to observe was, in fact the worst kind of galactic predator.

The Corps' detractors charge that the high profile move against the Watcher was only an effort to drum up good press in a bad time and distract critics. The allegation would not be far-fetched if the Corps did not have crisis-level challenges. Problems have only multiplied for the ringslinging agents of the Guardians of the Universe.

Recently, the Green Lantern Corps has suffered massive fatalities after attacks by rival Sinestro Corps, who spread fear using yellow power rings. Members of this Corps reportedly include some of the most terrible and evil beings known to exist. Also, rumors persist of pink power rings in use by a "Star Sapphire Corps," which may or may not be a further complication to the emerald lawmen.

Countering those claims, veteran GL and honor guardsman Guy Gardner said, "This big-headed freak was getting his jollies peeping into the bathrooms and bedrooms of everybody. He's been doing it for years! Am I the only one totally creeped out by that? Didn't think so! We either take space-law seriously or we pack it in and turn off the big green lantern on Oa.

"Thanks to us he ain't 'watching' anymore. Besides, he's not as tough as the Sinestro Corps."

Uatu is seeking new legal representation following the sudden demise of his attorney, Harvey "I'll Take the Case!" Birdman.

Uatu the Watcher copyright Marvel Comics, all rights reserved
Guy Gardner, Green Lantern Corps and Sinestro Corps copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved