Ask the Question!

Word on the street is that there's an all-new Question running around Gotham, working glove-in-glove with a nasty group of religious fanatics. We at BPD were naturally a little concerned, so we went out to bring you this installment of Ask the Question. This time, it's BPD's turn.

BPD: Good evening, Question.

Q: Hurm.

BPD: You okay?

Q: Yeah. Had a frog in my throat.

BPD: We heard that your recent investigation into a certain nefarious book led in some unexpected directions.

Q: You might say that. I was trying to find out more about the Crime Bible. This is a work that, depending on who you ask, is either an ancient collection of prophecies and tales of Cain--or a batch of ravings from a crackpot. Depends on what you believe.

Except I don't operate on belief--I have to know.

BPD: So what did you find? Is the Crime Bible for real?

Q: ...yes.

BPD: Should we be frightened by that?

Q: If you'd asked me last year, I would have said yes. Now... well, I'm doing all I can to defuse the Crime Bible's most horrifying prophecies. It's a herculean task, because any one thing I do may precipitate or fulfill a prophecy, rather than negating it. The more I know, the more dangerous my actions might be. Needless to say, I'm having some trouble sleeping.

BPD: What about this (for lack of a better word) cult, the Dark Faith?

Q: They're a factor in this situation. Let's just say that I'm keeping my friends at arm's length and my enemies close.

BPD: Anything else coming up?

Q: Yes. A recent meeting with an old colleague turned up some very interesting information. Your readers should keep their eyes open and prepare themselves--events are starting to spiral out of anyone's control.

BPD: Is there anything that can be done about that?

Q: Good question.

Thanks to The Question for this little Q&A. We'll revive ASK THE QUESTION as a regular feature as soon as things start getting back to normal. Till then...

-Your Loyal BPD Staff

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Ask the Question!

Although we have tried our usual channels, we have been unable to establish contact with The Question for the past two weeks. However, an email was left for us in a very unconventional manner by a person who is clearly NOT our regular columnist--yet signs the email "The Question."

An impostor? A fraud? Let's just say that the circumstances are awfully persuasive.

Dear Question,

My Barbie dolls were missing for two days and then suddenly showed up again, all sitting around the table in my dollhouse. I'm glad they came back but they're kind of scary now. They watch me when I go to bed and... and I think they don't like it when I say my prayers.

Are my dolls evil?

signed, Sorta Scared in Gotham

Dear Sorta,

Yes.

Yes, they are.

I recommend soaking them in holy water, if you can get enough (one gallon should do it), or dousing them in gasoline and setting them ablaze if you can't. By all means, ensure their destruction before the next new moon.

Or I will.

The Q

Hey Q!

You ain't been seen in Hub City in a dog's age, man-- where you been? Crime's up, hope is down and the city's circlin' the bowl. Come home, Q, we need ya!

An Old Pal in Hub City

Sorry to hear that, but I'm living in the shadow of the Bat for the foreseeable.

Hub City has lots of problems--but the people living there have to find their own answers. I can't do it for them.

The Q

Question,

The coils of fate are drawing close around you. Two more lessons await and you will be one of us.

A brother in faith

I think you mistake my agenda, "brother." But not for much longer.

The Q

Okay, that was... surreal. Join us next time for another installment of ASK THE QUESTION!, when we hope we'll have our usual mystery man back at the keyboard.

Until then, catch up on the doings of our guest columnist here.

Till next time!

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Ask the Question!

Well, we held off as long as we could, but it's time for a new round of ASK THE QUESTION! Hub City's favorite vigilante/conspiracy theorist is back to solve your problems his way. Buckle your seats, readers, as we open the mailbag...

ANONYMOUS ASKS: Mr. Sage(?)
What is going on with the Weekly World News closing down? I am worried some goverment conspiracy closed down one of the last honest news sources. Can you provide details?

A good question, almost-nameless citizen. Upon investigation, I discovered that the entire staff of Weekly World News had been replaced by automata--androids meant to pass as human. The magazine's output was turned into an elaborate misinformation campaign, designed to confuse humanity in a time of impending crisis. Efforts to contain and analyze the androids led to mass self-destruction.
The location of the human staffers is undetermined at this time but I will continue to investigate.

For what it's worth, I miss the WWN too. You've made a good choice, subscribing to The Monthly X, though.

-Q

Hey Question!

There are weird images cropping up on the Internet. One shows Superman crying on Wonder Woman's shoulder and Batman with a scimitar (!); another shows Lex Luthor crying, on his knees in front of Darkseid's half-buried head.

What gives?

-Worried in Washington

Dear Worried,

I know the images you describe and am likewise concerned. The behavior of heroes and villains alike has been suspiciously chaotic and unpredictable. One might suspect that there is a mastermind behind these developments--and one does.

I am on the trail of something very large, the scope of which is... frightening.

Rest assured, you will read the results of my investigations here.

-Q

Dear Mr. Question,

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Poptm?

-Idly Curious

Dear Idly,

How lucky for you that I find you entertaining... for now.

Piece of advice: stop antagonizing your Xbox Live opponents with contemptuous "boo-yahs" when you score a kill in HALO 3. I've provided two of them--ones who have a particular enthusiasm for paintball and "happy slap" greetings--with your address and daily itinerary.

I imagine your life will be far from "idle" very soon...

-Q

Question,

What do I do if I think there are supervillains setting up shop in my neighborhood? There's a storefront that's only open after midnight, closing before sunrise, and attracting a very unsavory crowd.

-Unsettled in Coast City

Dear Unsettled,

Your vigilance is rewarded. This is indeed a problematic situation. It appears Intergang has established a night-hours-only weapons store for lowlifes in your fair city.

I have alerted Green Lantern and other West Coast-based heroes but, given their own professional emergencies, it may be some time before they can attend this matter. If possible, maintain a discreet surveillance but do not endanger yourself with direct observation. Take notes--an eyewitness account will be important at trial. And be prepared to be relocated under another identity.

Congratulations, citizen. You have been drafted into the war on crime.

-Q

That's all we have time for this week. Got a problem you need solved? ASK THE QUESTION!

And don't forget, there's a brand-new collection of The Question's cases on bookshelves now-- ask for it at your local store!

See you next time!

Question artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Mayor Announces Controversial "Operation: Build A Savior"

HUB CITY - Mayor Jackson Granger called an impromptu press conference today to announce the start of his new community outreach program.

Taking the podium to grand applause, the Mayor began his address with his usual charisma and aplomb. "Good Morning Hub City! It's a pleasure to see you all today. I have called Hub City home for the past 23 years. In that time I have seen many things; I've seen the darkness of man's inhumanity to man and I've seen the ability of our citizens to push through that darkness, through to the light.

"In the last few months, we as a people have suffered a great loss. The death of our own, and only, beloved hero, The Question, has left a void waiting to be filled. It is this emptiness which brings me here today.

"Today, I announce the start of a new and, hopefully, thought-provoking 'give-back' program, one designed to encourage the creation of local superheroes, Operation: Build a Savior!"

Pausing for a moment to collect himself and allow for sufficient applause, the Mayor continued. "Essentially, the crux of this program is this: the rich of the community are being asked to take their children out and have dinner, maybe support the local theater, take in that revival of 'The Mask of Zorro' at the Regal, just generally live it up, the better the time had, the stronger the juxtaposition. Once you've finished the night's activities, just stroll into one of the cities many back alleys and let nature take it's course." His last statement met by a stunned crowd, The Mayor went on to further elucidate. "Oh, no, I didn't mean sex. There is a place for such things and it is not in a back alley. No, no, I meant get mugged, and ideally, murdered."

As murmurs began amongst the audience, the Mayor appeared visually shaken, but went on to further clarify his initiative.

"You see, the community needs a strong hero, and as we all know, the best are born of tragedy. It only makes sense that if we're to encourage our own homegrown superhero, they be baptized in the blood of the one's they love," The Mayor said quite matter-of-factly. "As we all know, the average thief is not looking to kill anybody but just wants a quick score to buy themselves a hit, so exacerbation is encouraged: make fun of their ratty clothes, laugh at their lower class accent, just generally be the people you were raised to be. Oh and we need definite targets, no need for poor people to get shot, so a tux is a must for the men and ladies, don't forget those pearls. Oh and be sure you have a sizable bank account. I mean look at Batman, that car, the plane, all the little gadget things, that guy's swimmin' in it, and Green Arrow? Those trick arrows can't come cheap. The last thing we need is more broke boy-scouts with domino masks. I think we all remember Action Steve, may god rest his soul."

Seeing the looks of confusion and disgust on the faces of the amassed, the Mayor began to grow desperate, citing the potential in other methods of hero creation. "Well fine, if the wealthy of the city can't find it within themselves to make a small sacrifice for their community... well, how about this then, everybody, lower, middle, and upper class, try museums with exhibits of mystical artifacts, meteor crash craters, experimental weapons test sites, radioactive power plants, c'mon people, help me out!"

As the assembly began to disperse, police arrived with a van from the Hub City Hospital for the Mentally Disenfranchised in tow to collect the distraught Mayor. Still, he continued. "Oh what, am I a bad person? Screw that! Somebody needs to be keeping an eye on this city, I'm just nudging things in the right direction. But good god, no more Objectivists! I swear, if I here one more quote from 'Atlas Shrugged', I'll eat a bullet."

One lone attendee remained as the Mayor was hauled away, offering the leader of the city a standing ovation. "That mmman is a visionnnnary," said Hunter Zolomon. "If you'll excuuuse mee, I have to go register to vote. Gggranger in '08!"

Ask the Question!

It's time once again for your second- or third-favorite column here on BPD: Ask the Question! As always, our intrepid vigilante will take on your case--er, query--and respond in his own highly disturbing fashion. So let's open the mailbag one more time!

Dear Mr. Sage?

I have recently noticed that people are acting odd in my neighborhood.

Are they Skrulls, or possibly Dire Wraiths?

If so, is it legal to kill them and display their skulls above my mantle as a warning to the others?


-A concerned citizen

Dear Concerned,

Odd behavior is not proof. Do what I do: investigate. Start with their trash. Are they eating microwave dinners and lots of take-out food? If so, they are probably just ordinary Americans. Skrulls and Dire Wraiths tend to have more exotic dietary habits--some of which cannot be described except in the most graphic of terms. A key indicator is whether you or your neighbors are suddenly missing pets.

After this initial step... well, I won't divulge all my methods, but you can probably figure out where to go from there.

As for taking direct action yourself, there is considerable danger in doing so. If you're caught, you go into the system, where you're at their mercy. Better to turn over your findings to me. I've sent an anonymous postcard with information to an address you'll be certain to check. Displaying their skulls is an interesting idea... though worrisome if you don't first disengage the Dire Wraith from its human host.

Lastly--no, your neighbors aren't Skrulls or Dire Wraiths or even garden-variety cultists. It's worse. They're roleplaying gamers.

-Q

Dear Question,

My local comic shop keeps trying to force me to read something called "that awesome Scott Pilgrim book"What are they trying to brainwash me with?

-Gyuss Baaltar

Gyuss,

You are quite perceptive, and it's obvious in hindsight. Scott Pilgrim is indeed a vehicle for Canadian mind control, slipping subliminal messages into your Z-cortex via randomized fractal placement of meme-junk. It's sophisticated posthypnotic suggestion, to the point of rewriting your "psychetecture." The dominant messages are "eat more Canadian bacon" and "polar bears are your friends."

I won't bore you with the other messages, but most of them involve tourism and the benefits of living in extreme cold climates. (The underlying assumption is that northern Canada wants visitors, perhaps for nefarious purposes of their own. I have not yet discounted involvement by the Great Beasts.)

The entertainment value of the book is considerable, however, so the potential risk of id-contamination via Canadian brainhacking may be worth it. Proceed at your own risk. I, of course, will be keeping a careful eye on this book.

If you start to wear a tuke and parka (even in summer), watch "Kids in the Hall" marathons and end your sentences with "ey?" I may have to take immediate and drastic action.

-Q

Dear Question,
Qui custode custodiets? (Who watches the Watchmen?)
-Interlocutor X

Dear I.X. (aka Mr 9),
I do.
-Q
PS, very clever with the invisotext... and the unorthodox means of leaving this query. You've gotten my attention.

Hey Question,

What's the story with you and Huntress? Or should I ask Big Mike instead?

-Curious

Dear Curious,

Curiosity killed the cat.

However, I'm feeling particularly generous with information today. Huntress is fine and as for our relationship... this website might offer some interesting lines of thought. I will say that certain aspects of our relationship are not as distorted as Hollywood representations tend to be.

Your prurient fascination with the romantic lives of others has been noted. By the way, you're out of peanut butter and the light in your hallway needs to be replaced.

-Q

And that's all the time we have today. Join us again for our next installment of "Ask the Question!"

Question artwork is copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Ask the Question!

It's time for another installment of ASK THE QUESTION! Let's dive into this week's mailbag...

Dear Question,

My recently deceased father left me a large trust in his will with the corollary that I use the fund to the "benefit of mankind." After much consideration, I've decided I would like to develop a superhero team led by Jessica Drew, Spider-Woman. Do you have her contact information, by chance?

-RS

Yes, I do. The information has been left in a secure location, to which you have the key. That should be enough of a clue. (I am intrigued that you are aware of her secret identity, btw. This may warrant further investigation. If anything happens to the lady in question, I'll know where to start investigating.)

Being a benefactor to a team of extralegal operatives carries considerable liabilities--but my investigation suggests you have some assets that go beyond the merely financial. Your meetings last week with a certain "recruiter" piqued my interest, as did a certain classified ad placed in a local weekly newspaper. You know the one that I mean.

There are currently four individuals keeping watch on your home address. Two of them are law enforcement agents, two are not. Your phone is not tapped... yet. Exercise caution.
-Q

Question,
I recently learned that my recitation of a word, multiple times, caused an evil force to torture one of my best friends. I killed the bastard, but now she barely speaks to me and I think she's started messing around with my best friend. What can I do?
signed, Broomstick Thunder

Learn other words. Such as "confession." I hear it's good for the soul. And the one that you killed...? Don't be so sure--sources suggest it's not as clear-cut as you seem to believe. BTW, she is.

-Q

haha you have no face! i ated the purple berries and my cats breath smells like cat food. mine tastes like glue. my name is ralph...im in a movie!!!
-Ralph Wiggum

We are all in a movie, Ralph. But who is watching?

A bit of friendly advice--stop playing with your daddy's gun. Maggie has much better aim than you do.

-Q

Yo, Q,

Since you are absurdly obliged to answer the questions posted here, riddle me this: WHO IS THE QUESTION? And WHEN DID YOU HAVE A SEX CHANGE OPERATION? Dude, I thought you were a woman now.
-Green Durby

I am The Question... but what is the answer? All questions are a choice. What do you choose by asking... and what do you choose to do with the answer?

Pursue this existential line of thought and you may end up with more Questions than you know how to handle. But seeking is itself an answer. Consider this: neither knowledge nor truth nor wisdom in themselves are power--but without them, power is meaningless.

As to the second half of the above--do you think the picture above is necessarily me? Perhaps and perhaps not. The Question is... would you know me if you saw me? I might be sitting right next to you at Starbucks as you read this blog on your laptop.

The vente latte was a good choice, though I prefer chai.

-Q

Do YOU have something to "Ask The Question"? Send in your queries by posting a comment! We can't guarantee the Question will reply, um, as you might prefer, but... what do you have to lose?

Question artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Ask The Question!

Dear Question:
I'm hearing strange rumblings late at night beneath my Gotham brownstone. Do you think I should invest in earthquake insurance or is my home built on top of the Batcave?
-signed, Concerned

Dear Concerned,
I've checked your foundation and basement. It appears that there was some supervillain activity recently--drilling into a bank two blocks from your address, which I have forwarded to the GCPD for further investigation.

I have also forwarded the IRS evidence that you are withholding a considerable sum of money, which is stashed in a fireproof box behind your freezer. You should have filed an amended return when you got that windfall last October. Do not try to hide the evidence--I have taken some effort to secure the crime scene until investigators arrive and confirm the box's contents.

If anything were to happen to that evidence, rest assured I have Batman's email address.

Earthquake insurance might be unwarranted at this time but that might be the least of your problems...
-Q

Dear Mr. Question,
Is corruption in Hub City really as bad as they say?
I worry about things like that and I'm only 12!
-A Young Citizen

Dear Concerned,
I find it highly suspicious that a 12 year old would worry about political corruption in Hub City.

Upon investigating further, I find that you are in fact 13, a child genius and enrolled in a course of graduate level political science studies in Hub City. Perhaps you ask your question only because you want a response from an extralegal operative such as myself, perhaps you wish to elicit some words against the current regime. Perhaps you are truly concerned.

Crime is crime, wherever it is found, on the streets or in City Hall. Continue with your studies and know that I'll be keeping an eye on you. And you're old enough to sleep without a nightlight.
-Q

Dear "the Question",
Is my husband cheating on me?
-A Restless Housewife

Dear Restless,
No. But you should stop visiting a certain website. You know the one I mean.
-Q

Do YOU have something to "Ask The Question"? Send in your queries by posting a comment! We can't guarantee the Question will reply, um, as you might prefer, but... what do you have to lose?

Question artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved