This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Aug 13, 2007

Mayor Announces Controversial "Operation: Build A Savior"

HUB CITY - Mayor Jackson Granger called an impromptu press conference today to announce the start of his new community outreach program.

Taking the podium to grand applause, the Mayor began his address with his usual charisma and aplomb. "Good Morning Hub City! It's a pleasure to see you all today. I have called Hub City home for the past 23 years. In that time I have seen many things; I've seen the darkness of man's inhumanity to man and I've seen the ability of our citizens to push through that darkness, through to the light.

"In the last few months, we as a people have suffered a great loss. The death of our own, and only, beloved hero, The Question, has left a void waiting to be filled. It is this emptiness which brings me here today.

"Today, I announce the start of a new and, hopefully, thought-provoking 'give-back' program, one designed to encourage the creation of local superheroes, Operation: Build a Savior!"

Pausing for a moment to collect himself and allow for sufficient applause, the Mayor continued. "Essentially, the crux of this program is this: the rich of the community are being asked to take their children out and have dinner, maybe support the local theater, take in that revival of 'The Mask of Zorro' at the Regal, just generally live it up, the better the time had, the stronger the juxtaposition. Once you've finished the night's activities, just stroll into one of the cities many back alleys and let nature take it's course." His last statement met by a stunned crowd, The Mayor went on to further elucidate. "Oh, no, I didn't mean sex. There is a place for such things and it is not in a back alley. No, no, I meant get mugged, and ideally, murdered."

As murmurs began amongst the audience, the Mayor appeared visually shaken, but went on to further clarify his initiative.

"You see, the community needs a strong hero, and as we all know, the best are born of tragedy. It only makes sense that if we're to encourage our own homegrown superhero, they be baptized in the blood of the one's they love," The Mayor said quite matter-of-factly. "As we all know, the average thief is not looking to kill anybody but just wants a quick score to buy themselves a hit, so exacerbation is encouraged: make fun of their ratty clothes, laugh at their lower class accent, just generally be the people you were raised to be. Oh and we need definite targets, no need for poor people to get shot, so a tux is a must for the men and ladies, don't forget those pearls. Oh and be sure you have a sizable bank account. I mean look at Batman, that car, the plane, all the little gadget things, that guy's swimmin' in it, and Green Arrow? Those trick arrows can't come cheap. The last thing we need is more broke boy-scouts with domino masks. I think we all remember Action Steve, may god rest his soul."

Seeing the looks of confusion and disgust on the faces of the amassed, the Mayor began to grow desperate, citing the potential in other methods of hero creation. "Well fine, if the wealthy of the city can't find it within themselves to make a small sacrifice for their community... well, how about this then, everybody, lower, middle, and upper class, try museums with exhibits of mystical artifacts, meteor crash craters, experimental weapons test sites, radioactive power plants, c'mon people, help me out!"

As the assembly began to disperse, police arrived with a van from the Hub City Hospital for the Mentally Disenfranchised in tow to collect the distraught Mayor. Still, he continued. "Oh what, am I a bad person? Screw that! Somebody needs to be keeping an eye on this city, I'm just nudging things in the right direction. But good god, no more Objectivists! I swear, if I here one more quote from 'Atlas Shrugged', I'll eat a bullet."

One lone attendee remained as the Mayor was hauled away, offering the leader of the city a standing ovation. "That mmman is a visionnnnary," said Hunter Zolomon. "If you'll excuuuse mee, I have to go register to vote. Gggranger in '08!"

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

But is he REALLY dead?
Most dead people can't manage an advice column, after all.