This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Aug 3, 2007

Mary Marvel Sex Tape Leaks to the Internet

EARTH S - Teen superhero Mary Marvel has shocked the world, and this time, there was no magic lightning involved. Following in the footsteps of Paris Hilton, Mary Marvel, recently given power from the supervillain Black Adam, appears in a 19 minute video that is making its rounds on the internet. The video is of Mary Marvel in the midst of what Air Force pilot Hal Jordan would call 'crowded airspace' or 'rushing the flight deck.' The men in the video are as of yet unidentified.

Friends of Mary Marvel, including Superman and Batman, have expressed concern that the young superheroine's behavior has been spinning out of control since re-acquiring her powers from Black Adam. 'She shot Clayface into space,' said Batman, when interviewed of the subject. 'Even I don't do that, and I'm the godd@amn Batman!'

Reporter Jimmy Olsen claims that he has his own theories about the identities of the men in the video. 'Well,' Olsen begins, 'I heard that one of them was the new superhero, Mr. Action.' BPD's response was, 'Who the hell is Mr. Action, and what kind of fanboy turd uses a name like that?' Olsen had no further comment.

Mary Marvel is as of yet unavailable for comment. Meanwhile, other young female heroines have expressed disgust at the behavior of Marvel. 'Eeewww,' said Supergirl. 'If she's gonna do that kind of stuff, it should at least be with a Green Lantern.'

Teen superheroes have had other romantic issues of late. Superhero Robin has filed suit against writer Adam Beechen. In a prepared statement, Robin claimed that Beechen has misrepresented his love life: 'He's got me chasing around Zoanne in one book and making out with Wonder Girl in another. I mean, I definitely got enough bat-rope to make it happen, but I'm a detective, not a man whore. Besides, if those chicks get close to me, chances are they're gonna be deader than fried chicken in a minute.'

This intrepid Reporter will stay on top of the teens and their superhero moral crisis as it develops.

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