This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Aug 1, 2007

Ninja Dance Taking World by Storm

Neck injuries and attempts at telepathy concern dance experts.

TELEPATHIC NINJAS (Bugle-Planet): Move over Krump, you’re behind the times. Urbanites across the country – indeed, the world - have begun to embrace a new dancing icon: the ninja.

The dance, identified by its limp, bobble-headed-doll-like movements, wide-eyed, drugged-out look, and hyper-hyphenated descriptors has slowly crept into the clubs over the past few years and is quickly becoming a certified craze.

Inspired by the ninjas of Konoha Village, club kids began imitating the movements of local ninja when the Land of Fire began to expand its cultural influence throughout its neighbors. One such incident, leading to the naming of the “Great Naruto Bridge” in the nation of Tsunami after a young Konoha ninja, generated an abundance of cultural influence with western nations.

“It’s true that Konoha’s activities have led to the Land of Fire’s generation of enormous ‘soft power,” said political scientist and cultural expert Joseph Nye. “Given that, I’m not surprised that we’ve seen the expansion of its cultural exports, even dangerous ones such as this Ninja Dance.”


“The Ninja Dance –known by the residents of Konoha as the bakamaru dance - is extremely dangerous and shouldn’t be attempted by non-professional dancers,” says Lana Carrol Heylock, Head of the Dance Institute at Akron University. “The disconnecting of the neck joints needed to perform the head swaying motion at the beginning of the dance can lead to permanent neck injury if not done correctly. I am highly alarmed by this dance making its way to the club scene, and disturbed by the fact that some club owners are actually encouraging people off the street to try this dance.”

Little suggests that that the club owners could stop the dance. An instructional video on the dance that was posted on YouTube has received millions of hits, and has since been translated into several languages, including Spanish (see inset). “At least here people can do the dance in a safe environment,” says Dante Ferrando, owner of the Washington, DC, club The Black Cat. “They’re gonna do it anyway, right? So better if someone’s around who can help out if they get hurt. I’m not even worried about the neck injuries, though. Most of these guys know what they’re doing. I worry about the guys getting to the next level, trying to pull off the telepathy movements.”

One of the more strenuous moves, done near the climax of the routine, calls for the use of telepathy. In an effort to reach the status needed to attempt this move, many dancers have turned to the black market for drugs such as Xstacy or Mutant Growth Hormone (MGH).

Dance coaches, seeking to cash in on the Ninjaphile Group’s dansukurabu no jutsu! contest in October, have begun searching for natural telepathic talent. British resident Elizabeth “Betsy” Braddock, known to the world as Psylocke, was just recently contacted about the ninja dance craze. “Bollocks!” Responded the X-Men’s resident purple-haired-british-turned-asian-
telepathic-then-telekinetic-ninja. “You mean I’m not the only ninja telepath out there? Bloody wonderful. How many hyphens do you need to explain who in the bloody hell I am? This shouldn't even be a contest. Well, I’ll just have to teach these charlatans a thing or two about…” Psylocke then suddenly died for the umpteenth time and began making out with Jean Grey in the White Hot Room, much to the delight of frat-types everywhere.

Ms. Braddock could not be reached for further comment.

Staff Writer Julian Aiko died and made out with Northstar. Among other things. His neck hurts.

Psylocke courtesy of alex200277. Psylocke is a character owned and trademarked by Marvel Comics. All rights reserved.

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