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Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Aug 22, 2007

The Latest Victim of Evildoing: Expressions of Happiness

Villains Find Little to Smile About in New Study

METROPOLIS -- Every sad-faced kid has been told the adage, “It takes more muscles to frown than the smile.” A recent study shows that a grin might not be as easy as was originally thought.
In fact, for some people the ability to look happy is now lost. The biggest group affected: the super villain.

“Like any bodily function, smiling requires muscle use. If a person does not regularly work those muscles, they atrophy,” says Dr. Thomas Thompson, head of Facial Expression Studies at Metropolis General Hospital. “Years of frowns, sneers, and grimaces have taken their toll on the part of our population that schemes and steals.”

According to Thompson’s study, 90% of the super villain community has lost the capacity of an ear-to-ear grin. Of the remaining 15%, nearly half can smile enough to show teeth.

“It’s a wide-reaching affliction,” says Thompson. “Almost every subject we tested showed some sign of muscle degradation.”

Reactions from the super villain community to the findings has been mixed. Some do not care, saying that the expression loss is not a huge determent.

“I’m a Korugarian despot, what do I care about smiling?” says Sinestro, who has been diagnosed with 48% loss. “I have a new army. I serve the Anti-Monitor. Just because I cannot bare my teeth with pride does not make my life any less fulfilling.”

On the other hand, some villains are very upset by the news. Speaking from his cell, Vandal Savage, who suffers from 85% loss, expressed his woes.

“I have walked this Earth since before the time of the wheel,” says Savage. “I saw Rome fall and dined with Bonaparte. Immortality has been very kind, except now I find out that it has given me more time for my facial muscles to weaken. I have spawned hundreds of children, and soon I won’t even be able to smirk when I dine on one.”

Dr. Thompson’s study also shows that this affliction is not only affecting the villain community, but some heroes have showed signs of smile loss.

“A frown is a frown whether your on the right side of the law of or not,” says Thompson. “A dour do-gooder who scorns thugs with a grimace is in danger as well.”

It has been rumored that the legendary Batman recently spent a week in Tibet getting homeopathic treatment for his smile loss.

While the Dark Knight could not be reached for comment, a certain Boy Wonder had this to say: “He really needed it. You could see through most of the 80s and almost all the 90s it was getting harder and harder for him to grin. Every year he got darker and angrier about it.”

While expensive treatments can reverse the problem, certain people propose a less costly alternative.

“It’s all about a light-hearted state of mind,” says one interviewee, who wishes to be known only as Mr. J. “We’re in the greatest business on Earth so why all the frumpy dumps, all the long faces? It doesn’t all have to be yelling and fist shaking. If you can’t laugh at a geriatric in a vat of acid, I don’t know what you can laugh at.”

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

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