Comedy Central Roast of the Joker Delivers Laughs, Casualties

Part of Seeing Redd Week

By Daniel Palacio,
BPD Media Critic and Grouchy Old Man

Tonight, Comedy Central will premiere its roast of The Joker, taped last week in Gotham City. The festivities were hosted by pop culture icon Mark Hamill, who opened the show by pondering why they were honoring "a man who killed more people than Phil Spector". Celebrity roasters included Adam West, Harley Quinn, and Batman, as well as the ubiquitous Jeffrey Ross and Carrot Top.

Like all of the other Comedy Central roasts, most of the comedians took pot shots at one another and handled the guest of honor with kid gloves. Some notable exceptions:

" Seriously, though, he's a (bleep)ing psycho! The only people we know for sure he hasn't killed are Abraham Lincoln and Nicole Brown!" -Jeffrey Ross

"[He's got] a rap sheet a mile long: homicide, grand larceny, kidnapping Brad and Janet..." -Patton Oswalt

"I've watched that lunatic fall off the face of the Earth only to come back stronger than ever a few months later. Just like herpes. Isn't that right, Lisa [Lampanelli]?" -Batman

Still, the Clown Prince of Crime gave as good as he got: "It was nice of my friend the Penguin to join me tonight. Oh wait, that's just Patton Oswalt."

"Bats and I have known each other for a long time, well before he joined the Village People. You look much better without the mustache, by the way."

"I know people give Carrot Top a hard time, but I respect him. After all, he's the only person I know who knows more about bombing than I do."

The mood got a little tense after that last line, when the Joker said he had a prop of his own for Carrot Top, and electrocuted him with his joy buzzer, killing him instantly. The crowd sat in stunned silence for a moment, then erupted in deafening applause. Even Batman gave him a standing ovation, saying to him "That was your one freebie..."

To see what happened next, tune in tonight at 10 PM ET. AND 11 PM ET. And any of the other 50 times Comedy Central will run it this week.

The Latest Victim of Evildoing: Expressions of Happiness

Villains Find Little to Smile About in New Study

METROPOLIS -- Every sad-faced kid has been told the adage, “It takes more muscles to frown than the smile.” A recent study shows that a grin might not be as easy as was originally thought.
In fact, for some people the ability to look happy is now lost. The biggest group affected: the super villain.

“Like any bodily function, smiling requires muscle use. If a person does not regularly work those muscles, they atrophy,” says Dr. Thomas Thompson, head of Facial Expression Studies at Metropolis General Hospital. “Years of frowns, sneers, and grimaces have taken their toll on the part of our population that schemes and steals.”

According to Thompson’s study, 90% of the super villain community has lost the capacity of an ear-to-ear grin. Of the remaining 15%, nearly half can smile enough to show teeth.

“It’s a wide-reaching affliction,” says Thompson. “Almost every subject we tested showed some sign of muscle degradation.”

Reactions from the super villain community to the findings has been mixed. Some do not care, saying that the expression loss is not a huge determent.

“I’m a Korugarian despot, what do I care about smiling?” says Sinestro, who has been diagnosed with 48% loss. “I have a new army. I serve the Anti-Monitor. Just because I cannot bare my teeth with pride does not make my life any less fulfilling.”

On the other hand, some villains are very upset by the news. Speaking from his cell, Vandal Savage, who suffers from 85% loss, expressed his woes.

“I have walked this Earth since before the time of the wheel,” says Savage. “I saw Rome fall and dined with Bonaparte. Immortality has been very kind, except now I find out that it has given me more time for my facial muscles to weaken. I have spawned hundreds of children, and soon I won’t even be able to smirk when I dine on one.”

Dr. Thompson’s study also shows that this affliction is not only affecting the villain community, but some heroes have showed signs of smile loss.

“A frown is a frown whether your on the right side of the law of or not,” says Thompson. “A dour do-gooder who scorns thugs with a grimace is in danger as well.”

It has been rumored that the legendary Batman recently spent a week in Tibet getting homeopathic treatment for his smile loss.

While the Dark Knight could not be reached for comment, a certain Boy Wonder had this to say: “He really needed it. You could see through most of the 80s and almost all the 90s it was getting harder and harder for him to grin. Every year he got darker and angrier about it.”

While expensive treatments can reverse the problem, certain people propose a less costly alternative.

“It’s all about a light-hearted state of mind,” says one interviewee, who wishes to be known only as Mr. J. “We’re in the greatest business on Earth so why all the frumpy dumps, all the long faces? It doesn’t all have to be yelling and fist shaking. If you can’t laugh at a geriatric in a vat of acid, I don’t know what you can laugh at.”

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Fallopian Fortitude! Wonder Woman Arrested—(Update)

MANHATTAN - Early this morning, in yet another violently heroic effort: Wonder Woman flicked off and gut-punched Paris Hilton. Having stood all she could stand the Amazon Princess was heard murmuring "Save sanity, Save the world," before opening Paris up like a boom tube to Apokolips.

"That's hot," uttered the vapid blonde before disappearing in a blaze of white (It is speculated she was referring to a sudden expulsion of stomach acid.)

Hilton publicist, Elliot Mintz, claims his client will be available for interviews upon returning from the middle of next week. If that proves impossible, waiting for the world to catch up has ever been her burden.

When the smoke cleared Wonder Woman was taken into custody by a disappointed NYPD. "We thought Miss Woman was gonna go all Maxwell Lord on P.Hil," sighed Officer Scottie Flanders. "It's just criminal not to have finished the job."

Always the superhero WW may have actually saved Hilton's life. It seems an infamous bystander had designs on a more permanent solution to her prevalence, but, after witnessing this morning's Smackdown he had only this reaction:

Joker: "I'm Really Not That Funny"

GOTHAM CITY - In a stunning admission, famed supervillain the Joker admitted, "The truth is, despite this big perma-grin, I'm really not that funny."

During a rare Arkham Asylum interview with Bugle's Planet reporters, the Batman's foremost foe said, "I've never been good with witty banter and repartee. Honest, I have to work for a couple of hours before fighting Bats just to have a couple decent one-liners. God bless her, but Harley couldn't write a good joke to save her life--no matter how often I threaten her with a blowtorch and Jokerfish. Then again, she just threatens me right back with a howitzer and a nitroglycerin-filled boxing glove, so I guess that's a creative stalemate right there.

"I'm much more of a prop comic than a joke-teller, as I think my career shows. Seriously, do you recall a single funny thing I've ever said? Something that wasn't some twisted double-entendre, I mean. No, don't back away like that--I really want an answer! I'm not going to go all Joe Pesci 'Goodfellas' on... oh maybe I would at that. Fine, be that way. But you're off my Nice list," he muttered, yellow eyes glittering.

The Joker's career includes approximately 640 murders (with attempts numbering in the low millions, given more than one blackmail attempt involving mass murder), dozens of escapes from Arkham, a similar number of lengthy stays in the hospital, and a long-standing relationship with fellow criminal psychopath Harley Quinn. After what seems like decades fighting Batman, often to a standstill but more often to ignominious defeat, Joker said that it may be time to stop and smell the roses.

"Oh, I know what you're thinking. Once a homicidal maniac, always a homicidal maniac, but it may be the right time to reevaluate my life," he said. "Maybe I'll hit the road and try out some new material. Real comedians do that. Maybe I can too. I hear Metropolis is nice this time of year..." He chuckled madly as this interviewer was escorted out--and then called for protective services.

Joker/Countdown 50 cover by Andy Kubert, all rights DC Comics

Ledger Can't Take A Joker

HOLLYWOOD – Actor Heath Ledger has filed a restraining order against Gotham psychiatrist, Dr. Harleen Quinzel. According to Ledger, Quinzel continues to laughing-gas his security force and taunt him from his front yard with “let me in Mister J” and “aww, come on, Puddin’.” He also claims the discredited shrink rose out of his Wednesday night bubble bath like a psychotic Venus de Milo.

When confronted with Ledger’s allegations, Quinzel replied “Sure, I was there. We have an understandin,' me and Mister J. You maybe [sic] might say it’s a verbal agreement.”

Ledger admits he met Quinzel, known to friends as Harley, on the set of the upcoming Dark Knight film, Christopher Nolan's latest biopic about The Batman featuring The Joker—Harley's on and off lover. The star confirms that Quinzel expressed a deep affection for him, demanding he strap her to a rocket before being carted off by studio police. Still, he did not immediately recall the verbal agreement mentioned by the fatal femme. Moments later the Australian slapped himself on the forehead and mumbled something about a language barrier “What I told her was ‘you should stop by if you're ever, you know, not crazy.’”

Hollywood Insiders hype Quinzel’s obsession as a blunder, believing she has confused Ledger with the Clown Prince of Crime. This is a possibility as Ledger will be portraying the Joker in Dark Knight.

Harley biographer Paul Dini has a different take. “I don’t think Harley is acting on her own. Heath just isn’t her type. The way I see it the whole thing reeks of an elaborate prank and we know who does that best.” This theory may prove far more reasonable. A BPD inside source described the 'stalker act' as a ploy, designed to drive Ledger stark-raving-mad, thus inducing a truly inspired—joker—performance.

The Joker’s maniacal laughter echoed through the halls of Arkham when asked to validate or deny our information. However, his countenance dropped a full 4 inches when shown Ledger's look for the film. After pausing, seemingly perplexed, he finally intoned, “You must be joking.”

Batman: Harley Quinn art by Alex Ross.