This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Aug 8, 2007

Superpowered Oddities: Vol

News Of The Weird:
The BPD Edition

TINKER'S DAM, CN – A super powered man used his ability to drive his wife insane last week. Norman Cuthbert—who has the ability to make anything two degrees colder—perpetually kept his wife’s roast from defrosting, thus keeping her from getting dinner on the table so she could “watch her stories” [see soap operas] on TiVo. Mrs. Cuthbert had been known to rant that her soaps were her toehold on sanity in a “world of voracious rug-rats and weak-sauce, sniveling, little spouses.”

COWPOKE, MIDDLE AMERICA – Tina Newman has the ability to invoke a moment of clarity, helping anyone in her presence to see the error of their ways. Unfortunately, on her way to KelloggCon—where she was to masquerade as a life-like Tony the Tiger —she somehow ended up at the infamous 'Cereal' Convention. After the clarity cleared, the Serial Killers were all fully aware of the mistakes of their pasts and vowed to “never get caught.” Ms Newman’s ear was later recovered.

SPOTSLYVANIA, VA– Dennis Cayman has nearly limitless power in his ability to transform himself into anything he can conceive of. So when a two ton meteorite threatened to strike their home, his family didn't even get off the couch. Big mistake. Due to an astonishing lack of imagination, Cayman could only think to change himself from a bookkeeper to a CPA.

CARLTON DIGGLER, 29 - the unnamed boyfriend of Jaime Sommers is missing a very important member of the family. Having forgotten about his lady friend’s bionic arm, he requested a bit of 'manual gratification'. Sommers, unused to her new limb, yanked a bit too hard; her boyfriend’s package went return-to-sender airborne, putting out the lights before being shredded in the ceiling fan. Diggler vows to continue to pleasure her digitally.

SELMA BUTANE, 22, gifted with flammable flatulence, was injured in a firefight Thursday when the combination of her ability and its airless climes created a backdraft, causing her insides to incinerate via Instantaneous Infernal Combustion. Butane was reduced to a mound of ash and a single foot in around 45 seconds. She is expected to make a full recovery.

Image of Dog Welder—the patron saint of superpowered weirdness—from Hitman #18 (September 1997)

No comments: