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Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Aug 6, 2007

Neighbors Protest Black Knight's Winged Horse

NEW YORK - As a past member of the Avengers, Dane Whitman has often fought world-beating foes... but the New York City Department of Sanitation may be the one enemy his Ebony Sword cannot overcome.

"His horse is a health hazard," says Sanitation Commissioner Roy Schmedly. "I mean, horses ain't too clean best of times, y'know? But his flying poop-machine--can I say that?--is making messes all over Central Park West! It's 'Avengers Assemble!' and I got fifty phone calls complaining about horse apples fallin' outta the sky."

Whitman jumped to the defense of his steed Valinor immediately. "It isn't his fault," the Black Knight (descendant of the Arthurian-era Black Knight) insisted. "He's only doing what horses do. Sure, the result has farther to fall but it's not like we're targeting taxis or mothers with strollers. Valinor is a loyal steed... who happens to excrete wherever he pleases, on the ground or in the air.

"And it's not like I'm the only guy in town with a winged horse, " he added. "Shining Knight rides one but you don't hear people complain about him! Oh no, his horse is nice and white and has fluffy feathered wings, while mine has batwings. It's discrimination. What about Valkyrie? What about her winged horse? Man, I just know I'm gonna get razzed about this next time I drop by the Mansion."

In a city wracked by the daily clash of titans, where annual property damage is in the billions and insurance rates are the single biggest expense most face, this issue may seem trivial. But the dangers of exposure to ordure cannot be known when the animal is a mutant-and/or-supernatural quadroped with wings. Is mutant manure toxic... or potentially mutagenic? Will children be rolling around in horse waste, hoping to gain the proportionate strength and agility of a horse?

Schmedly would not confirm if Whitman will receive more than his current 217 warnings; the next step would appear to be legal action. "We're not sure we want to go around suing the Avengers," he said. "You know a couple of them capes probably know lots of lawyers. Last time we tried was back during... oh, gosh, I guess when Atlantis attacked. You know how hard it is to get Namor into a court of law? But anyways, a flying horse is probably small potatoes, sure, but you gotta draw the line somewhere."

Black Knight art by Tom Grummett and Dustin Nguyen (from Mystic Arcana: Black Knight), all rights reserved Marvel Comics

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