This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Jul 30, 2007

SKK Leader to Officials: "We Warned You!"

LONDON - With various rumors from Japan alleging the "secret" Avengers killed a Skrull posing as notorious assassin Elektra, a man, known only as Ryder, is going on the record that he has been trying to warn people about an invasion for ten years.

"We warned you, and what does the US government do? Send Cap America to stomp our [butts]!" exclaimed the burly leader of the so-called Skrull Kill Krew. Since 1995, the Krew have been spotted in all parts of the world leaving a trail of bodies. Government officials immediately quashed the ballyhoo. If the Krew have been keeping back an invasion, why are they wanted in seventeen countries?

"It's all politics," Ryder explains. "[Frak]ers don't want the 'quo disturbed, so we get labeled 'murderers', when we heroes. We deserve [frak]ing medals for this [crap]."

Ryder says the Krew started their crusade after realizing Skrull-tainted meat had not only given them shapeshifting and other superhuman abilities, but also a death sentence. People infected with MSCD (Mad Skrull-Cow Disease) are likely to die within a week of exposure—except for those few who gain powers... however, even they can look forward to a gradual decline in health before expiring horribly, years before their time.

With such a great sacrifice, most of the Krew is not happy to be left out of the public reveal. They want martyr status.

Krew member Dice aka Rob Fortune is very disappointed with the way superheroes have dismissed their claims, but now seem to have "jumped on the bandwagon." "It's, like, dude, my girlfriend was one of dem, you know? My lady. We've been taking out Skrull posts, for like, ever, man. The Avengers find one and all of suddenly people suspect a conspiracy? Not cool."

Moonstomp is showing heavy signs of the last stages of MSCD and hopes the Elektra reveal leads to global awareness of the infiltration. He had many things to say but, due to their irrelevance and insinuations to the inadequacy of my ethnicity, I refuse to write them. He did have one printable thing to say: "But no [person of African descent] ever gave me a disease. Death to Skrulls!"

Anyone (or agency) can find Moonstomp at the rally on July 31 or the Iron Cross Bar & Grill he likes to frequent on weekends.

To date, over three thousand disappearances have been attributed to the SKK's Skrull cleansing mission, including the entire town of Pleasant Valley. Authorities are quick to point out that since no Skrull body has been shown to the public, the SKK's claims cannot be fully believed. "Until we get confirmed evidence of a 'Skrull invasion,' there's not much we can do," said Agent Clay Quartermain of the military organization SHIELD, using air quotes. "Till then, this Skrull Kill Krew should turn themselves in to get this situation investigated."

The Krew, who took some time to start a class action suit against McDonald's, are reluctant to trust authorities when it comes to the invasion. "Any one of the politicians or commanders could be a Skrull," explained Krew member Kimberly Dee aka Catwalk, a former supermodel. "We can't get close enough to check before they may try to kill us."

As evidence goes, Ryder left me with this shocking image he took before leaving Pleasant Valley.


? said...

Everyone you know and love is a Skrull. Everyone else? Just assholes.

And Aquaman in the 90s was actually Jesus.

Great site, excellent work. Bravo.

Brandon! said... seriously need to write more often. Great article.

And, for the record, no black man has ever given me a disease before. Except Sherin. (Love you!)