This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Jul 20, 2007

Legal Analysis: She-Hulk Alleges Stark Causes Impotency

Unlike other STDs, Stark disease changes skin color from green.
Brandon Keith Hallmark

NEW YORK (Bugle's-Planet) – A suit filed in the Federal District Court of New York against S.H.I.E.L.D. director Tony Stark was allowed to continue today after Walters' claims that Stark knowingly infected her with a virus after a sexual tryst. The complaint goes on to claim the virus has caused Walters to suffer from “super-impotency.”

According to Walter's claim, on an afternoon with Stark on the SHIELD Hellicarrier, a conversation caused Walters to "fling [with] Stark, the eventual outcome of which was the infection of Ms. Walters and the resultant loss of Ms. Walters' powers."

Walters' claim is based on laws developed in the 1980 and 1990s at the height of the AIDS epidemic to prevent and punish those who would knowingly or recklessly endanger their partners by exposing them to a life-threatening virus.

Counsel for Stark however moved quickly to question Walters' character. “I think the Court will have a tremendously difficult time buying Ms. Walters' case. Ms. Walters has a well-known reputation for sleeping around,” said Stark counsel Mallory Book. “Who’s to say this isn’t some virus she caught sleeping with the Juggernaut?”

“I DID NOT SLEEP WITH THE JUGGERNAUT!!!!” Walters bellowed from the background.

While federal rape shield laws protect sexual assault victims from character assassination in criminal rape cases, it is not clear if Walters will do so in a this civil matter. Still, Walters – a former member of the law firm Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg & Holliway before leaving to join Stark’s HULKBUSTER unit– intends to move forward.

An amended complaint, filed by Walters this week, lays out further grievances. The complaint alleges that Stark also assaulted Walters' cousin, Bruce Banner, forcing Banner to ride “[Stark’s] big, red rocket” until it “blew up in Banner’s space.”

Walters seeks damages of over $5 million, including pain and suffering relating to her recovery, as well as an undetermined sum for Banner. Walters’ doctors revealed on Wednesday that Walters has since overcome her super-impotency after alternative treatment.

Stark, a keen businessman, has used the media attention to focus attention on Stark Enterprises recent acquisition of Church & Dwight Co., Inc., the manufacturer of Trojan Condoms. “Now, you too can be an Iron Man in bed,” quips a new ad slogan.

Walters' Amended Complaint now seeks the development of an Iron Codpiece attachment to Stark’s Iron Man suit to prevent Stark from infecting future partners. “I already have an iron piece, thank you,” commented Stark before being shooed away by Book.

Given the seriousness of the evidence brought by Walters, a criminal investigation has been opened by the Justice Department and is ongoing. When asked to comment about a rumored pardon, an exasperated Dana Perino, spokeswoman for President Bush, quickly mentioned that the administration does not comment on ongoing criminal investigations unless that person works for the Vice President.

“In regards to Ms. Walters' civil suit, however, we believe the evidence presented will prove the girth of Mr. Stark’s…character. And there will be rapid movement to thrust this issue forward and cause an undeniable climax,” said Perino on her way to the Sexual Health and Prevention Center at the Whitman-Walker Clinic.

Brandon Keith Hallmark is an Of Counsel at Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg & Holliway and a Legal Analyst for the Bugle-Planet Daily.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is bull. The SHE-HULK is Bruce Banner's Cousin. Don't be making up shit like that!