This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Jul 18, 2007

American Virgin Gets New Religion

BREAKING NEWS - In a late afternoon press conference: Adam Chamberlain, "neo-Christian-rock" star of the hit series American Virgin, announced he has founded a new religion. The young Televangelist—and leader of the 'Save Yourself to Save Yourself' movement—says the epiphany came while in his bedroom, pondering a bulk sized bottle of Jergens.

"I realized I was going about this all wrong!" said an amped Chamberlain. "It's not about denying temptation. You accept it. Plumb the depths of depravity! When you're old—like 35 or some sh!t—they'll be plenty of time to get [yourself] right with the Lord. I mean, what else are you gonna do then," he shrugged.

When asked to break it down he jumped up on the table, gesticulating wildly "How can a man know the true glory of his faith if he hasn't stuck his face between two ripe, full breasts and yelled 'boggety-boggety-boggety' while violently shaking his head? I'll tell you. He can't."

"Tryitism teaches only one real tenet: Try it. See if you like it. Try it again...but this time with somebody different."

Based upon the precept 'the conversion of one evil soul out weights those of a hundred righteous men' Chamberlain contends he's offering the Forces Of Heaven a major coup. "Think about it. A bunch of us are gonna do sick amounts of dirt and then return to the fold. That's like fifty-eleven thousands extra points for God right there."

As for members of the 'Save Yourself' movement, Chamberlain has already returned their celibacy vouchers. He urges them to become Tryitists.
After taking a moment to survey the rapidly filling room, a wolfish grin appeared on his face. (Calling the scene a 'melee of of hedonistic teens' would not be an understatement)

"Yo! Who wants some!?!" he yelled before executing a stage-dive flip and disappearing into the crowd. A battle cry that sounded something like: 'Boggety! Boggety! Boggety!' reverberated off the walls and then, my friends, it was on!

EDITOR'S NOTE: BPD has elected not to print the photographs taken at the Chamberlain Press Conference. Even we have more taste than that.

In Other News: Katie Holmes is expected to convert to Tryitism

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