This Week

Scott Pilgrim sought and found

Jul 5, 2007

Captain America Not Really Dead?

Conspiracy Theories, Random Sightings Flourish in Wake of Hero's Murder

TRUEHORN, MT. - Drive too fast and you'll miss it altogether, especially since even GPS locators have a hard time spotting Truehorn, Montana. But this tiny little village (pop. 47) may become a great deal more popular after the announcement of a famous visitor this past weekend: Captain America.

"I seen him myself," said Elias Gobblemyer, owner of the town's diner The Elk and Trout. "Big as life, totin' that shield--which is a lot bigger'n I figgered--and askin' for a hearty breakfast. Said he had places to go."

'Cap' paused long enough to take a picture with Gobblemyer and sign autographs for a handful of awestruck fans.

"Maggie Davis asked him if he wasn't dead, which I thought was real rude of her, but he laughed and said who can kill the American spirit? Then he hopped on this big red, white an' blue motorcycle and took off westwards. Ain't seen nothin' like it a'fore and don't 'spect I will again," Gobblemyer said.

Cap also surfaced in Point Stone, GA, this week, as well as in Bluffview, NM, and Chutt's Falls, VT, all within the space of four days.

The trouble with these sightings is that Captain America is due to be interred in Arlington National Cemetery--resting place for many of America's fallen soldiers--this week.

"Truehorn, Montana? Bluffview, New Mexico?" laughed SHIELD director Tony Stark (aka Iron Man). "I can think of a lot of places Cap might show up, but the middle of Montana or New Mexico isn't one of them. My old friend and comrade is quite deceased. This... person is an simple impostor, trying to grab some fame by pretending to be Captain America. I know the papers have reported extensively on past 'deaths' of Captain America, but this is the real thing. Captain America is dead."

Stark did not address rumors that Captain America's death was faked so that he could be held captive by his nemesis, the Red Skull, or that there are actually many "Captains America" cloned and standing by to serve their nation. SHIELD press spokesman Nestor Gaines called these allegations "rampant rumor-mongering and paranoid conspiracy theories run amuck."

Services for Captain America will be held this week. A statue of Cap has already been raised in the national cemetery; visitors will be admitted through a security cordon established to prevent vandalism or other mischief.

If you have a Captain America sighting, call our hotline at 1-888-555-TIPS!

Captain America artwork by Steve McNiven, copyright Marvel Comics 2007

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