Universal Soul Punch! The Mystery of 'Superman Returns' Revealed!

METROPOLIS - We've all wondered. Some of us accepted our confusion. Others ignored it. Still the question bounced around our brains like the rolling head of Pantha: Where in the film 'Superman Returns' was Superman?

Thanks to the inexhaustible efforts of the BPD team, the earth shattering answer has finally come to light.

But...let us begin at the beginning.

Superman Returns writer/director Bryan Singer originally wanted Superman to play himself in this latest biopic. Not only would this ease the budget for flying, heat-vision and other CG effects but also seriously curtail letters from irate fanboys.

After months of phone calls and gifts the Man of Steel firmly declined; stating not only his dislike of the limelight, but prior commitments to a perpetual stream of crises. Undaunted Singer searched the globe for a suitable metahuman stand-in.

No one on earth was man enough to portray America's favorite boyscout.

Undaunted Singer turned to the Multiverse. Great idea. His first stop: Earth Prime. Awww Dayum.

You guessed it. The actor we've come to know as Brandon Routh is none other than a masquerading Superboy-Prime. The infamous Boy Whiner has pulled off a nearly undetectable fraud. One complete with an acting career RetConned by a Parthenon of Hollywood demigods.

No wonder he was more peeping tom than global guardian.

The inexplicable crash landing on Ma Kent's farm? That SBP, he's such a scamp!

His screams of "I'm still Superman!" during a beat down—suddenly make sense.

No wonder he floated above New Earth like 'The Passion Of The Clark.' He's Superboy-Prime and he needs us to need him.

So breathe easy world, it was just SBP perpetrating a great big ole whammy. Our Man Of Steel remains untarnished and I, for one, will sleep a whole lot better tonight.