Ask the Question!

Word on the street is that there's an all-new Question running around Gotham, working glove-in-glove with a nasty group of religious fanatics. We at BPD were naturally a little concerned, so we went out to bring you this installment of Ask the Question. This time, it's BPD's turn.

BPD: Good evening, Question.

Q: Hurm.

BPD: You okay?

Q: Yeah. Had a frog in my throat.

BPD: We heard that your recent investigation into a certain nefarious book led in some unexpected directions.

Q: You might say that. I was trying to find out more about the Crime Bible. This is a work that, depending on who you ask, is either an ancient collection of prophecies and tales of Cain--or a batch of ravings from a crackpot. Depends on what you believe.

Except I don't operate on belief--I have to know.

BPD: So what did you find? Is the Crime Bible for real?

Q: ...yes.

BPD: Should we be frightened by that?

Q: If you'd asked me last year, I would have said yes. Now... well, I'm doing all I can to defuse the Crime Bible's most horrifying prophecies. It's a herculean task, because any one thing I do may precipitate or fulfill a prophecy, rather than negating it. The more I know, the more dangerous my actions might be. Needless to say, I'm having some trouble sleeping.

BPD: What about this (for lack of a better word) cult, the Dark Faith?

Q: They're a factor in this situation. Let's just say that I'm keeping my friends at arm's length and my enemies close.

BPD: Anything else coming up?

Q: Yes. A recent meeting with an old colleague turned up some very interesting information. Your readers should keep their eyes open and prepare themselves--events are starting to spiral out of anyone's control.

BPD: Is there anything that can be done about that?

Q: Good question.

Thanks to The Question for this little Q&A. We'll revive ASK THE QUESTION as a regular feature as soon as things start getting back to normal. Till then...

-Your Loyal BPD Staff

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Ask the Question!

Although we have tried our usual channels, we have been unable to establish contact with The Question for the past two weeks. However, an email was left for us in a very unconventional manner by a person who is clearly NOT our regular columnist--yet signs the email "The Question."

An impostor? A fraud? Let's just say that the circumstances are awfully persuasive.

Dear Question,

My Barbie dolls were missing for two days and then suddenly showed up again, all sitting around the table in my dollhouse. I'm glad they came back but they're kind of scary now. They watch me when I go to bed and... and I think they don't like it when I say my prayers.

Are my dolls evil?

signed, Sorta Scared in Gotham

Dear Sorta,

Yes.

Yes, they are.

I recommend soaking them in holy water, if you can get enough (one gallon should do it), or dousing them in gasoline and setting them ablaze if you can't. By all means, ensure their destruction before the next new moon.

Or I will.

The Q

Hey Q!

You ain't been seen in Hub City in a dog's age, man-- where you been? Crime's up, hope is down and the city's circlin' the bowl. Come home, Q, we need ya!

An Old Pal in Hub City

Sorry to hear that, but I'm living in the shadow of the Bat for the foreseeable.

Hub City has lots of problems--but the people living there have to find their own answers. I can't do it for them.

The Q

Question,

The coils of fate are drawing close around you. Two more lessons await and you will be one of us.

A brother in faith

I think you mistake my agenda, "brother." But not for much longer.

The Q

Okay, that was... surreal. Join us next time for another installment of ASK THE QUESTION!, when we hope we'll have our usual mystery man back at the keyboard.

Until then, catch up on the doings of our guest columnist here.

Till next time!

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Ask the Question Special Edition

The Gauntlet Thrown Down?

The comments section of Ask the Question received an intriguing entry yesterday-- our man Q verified several key points of information and authored a response this morning.

Without further ado...

We both know, why inform others? said...

Mr. Sage.

I find your investigations... effective. Perhaps TOO effective. As we both despise unneeded bloodshed, it would be for the best if you would, shall we say, redirect your attention, for a nominal fee.

Big things are coming, and we humans should form a united front.

We wouldn't want a certain photographer to find video of the Zaire incident, would we?

The Question replies:

An interesting overture, but we both know where I stand.

Zaire? A distraction (albeit a potentially *explosive* one, if you take my meaning) and only a tiny piece of a much bigger puzzle. But then again, you already know that. And the photographer? A hapless pawn, though even a pawn can get lucky now and then.

Ask your business partners about File 2179-J and payments made to Polaris Technologies. I haven't found your fingerprints on this yet...

BTW, that was you in Brussels yesterday. Visiting a Starbucks overseas? You know they're all wired into the Big Eye. Your seeming indiscretion is fascinating.

Humanity and a united front. Under whose control, I wonder?

More later.

-Q

A possible friend. said...

Polaris? You haven't deciphered that one yet? I am disappointed in you sir. Bigger things are afoot.

And YOU of all people should understand the Brussels incident.

Still, I applaud your work in the 51st Durlan crisis. I myself could not have done better.
You will come to my side in this soon enough, I think, but if you had joined when we had a choice. I thought you would like Earth 3.14.


Question:
Sometimes there is sense in professing ignorance, my friend. You've given yourself away on Polaris.

The Brussels incident implicates... well, it would not do to name them on a public forum, but the trail has been interesting to say the least. If you could see my expression...

And my thanks for your acknowledgement of the Durlan matter. You'd think they might learn. However, there are many loose ends to be tied off-- or snipped. Much left to be done. For is it not written, A is always A?

And Earth 3.14? Heh. I'm quite fond of pie.
be seeing you,

-Q

Whew! A fascinating bit of verbal byplay between two shadowy characters, n'est-ce pas? And one more from the comment box...

A student of history said...

Mr. Sage
As a prominent costumed vigilante what is your opinion on the recent exile of a number of prominent criminals to an isolated world?

I feel your opinion will greatly illuminate the matter.

The Question replies:

Interesting. Your awareness of these protocols invites further inquiry.

As to my opinion--it is a crime. True, every last individual exiled to this "isolated world" may be a sociopath and criminal, guilty of multiple transgressions, but their right to a day in court is a foundation of our nation's legal system. Summarily deporting them, regardless of whether they have been equipped with the means to survive or not, is injustice.

I continue to investigate the powers behind this gross miscarriage. At present, the byzantine manipulations extend to several places and my map grows complex.

I also cannot escape the feeling that time is of the essence. Something is coming--I suspect we approach a turning point. Things converge, strange anomalies appear to align.

My friend above knows some of what I suspect, I am sure, and may have his own counsel... but make no mistake. The removal of so many evildoers from the game board is no coincidence.

I will reveal what I learn at the appropriate time.

Until then,
-Q

Okay, this is starting to freak us poor BPD'ers out a little bit. I've never seen The Question quite this intense.

He's notified BPD that he may be unavailable for the next week or so. If he cannot write in, we have a replacement standing by... and you've seen her in action in 52, Countdown and the Crime Bible miniseries. Let's just say that there's more Questions than we have answers!

Till next time, readers!

Ask the Question!

You wanted it, you got it!

We're back with Hub City's own mystery man, ready and able to tackle your problems in his own, um... well, he does what he does and things happen, you know?

And now, time to open the mailbag and ASK THE QUESTION!


Worried in Wilmington asks...
Do you Have any advicE for a first time investor in today's shifting Long term investment environment? If Positive Merits could bE better described in detail.


Dear Worried,

There is no cause for further alarm. As you know, the events of that horrific evening are now well behind us. Though I did not envision the "solution" requiring the use (i.e., demolition) of two gas tankers, the contents of a roadside fireworks stand and a ton of Delaware's finest seafood-- success speaks for itself.

You also impressed me with how quickly you picked up the finer points of using a flamethrower and a set of Ginsu steak knives. I must say, your neighbors simply did not rise to the occasion, with the screaming, running around and rampant threat of lawsuits. They cannot be counted on to fight the war on crime. The complete loss of the neighborhood was unfortunate.

An unnamed benefactor is paying your hospital bills. You have my best wishes for a rapid and complete rehabilitation. I'm told that the biomechanical prosthetics supplied by STAR Labs are among the finest in the world. You may not be able to lift buses over your head but you'll cope quite well with your two new arms and neck.

Best regards, fellow crimefighter,

-Q


We've been having a lot of nice weather here in Gotham City. I can't remember the last time it rained or when the birds flew south for the winter. Is this a result of global warming?
Signed, Worried in Gotham


Worried,

I have made certain inquiries and the news is not encouraging. Ever since the night a certain Rock exploded over Gotham City, your weather patterns have been chaotic--and increasingly unstable.

You would be well advised to move out of the immediate city environments, perhaps to the suburbs. My sources suggest that there is a weather-related cataclysm coming to Gotham... one might even call it the side effects of a Crisis. Does that mean it will rain frogs or fire from the skies?

That is a question that not even I can answer. However, I can say that before all is done, you might wish it was "only" global warming. On the scale of problems, global warming is a minnow running ahead of a frenzied mass of sharks.

-Q


And that's all we can take--I mean, that's all we have time for today! Come back soon for another installment of ASK THE QUESTION!

Artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Ask the Question!

Well, we held off as long as we could, but it's time for a new round of ASK THE QUESTION! Hub City's favorite vigilante/conspiracy theorist is back to solve your problems his way. Buckle your seats, readers, as we open the mailbag...

ANONYMOUS ASKS: Mr. Sage(?)
What is going on with the Weekly World News closing down? I am worried some goverment conspiracy closed down one of the last honest news sources. Can you provide details?

A good question, almost-nameless citizen. Upon investigation, I discovered that the entire staff of Weekly World News had been replaced by automata--androids meant to pass as human. The magazine's output was turned into an elaborate misinformation campaign, designed to confuse humanity in a time of impending crisis. Efforts to contain and analyze the androids led to mass self-destruction.
The location of the human staffers is undetermined at this time but I will continue to investigate.

For what it's worth, I miss the WWN too. You've made a good choice, subscribing to The Monthly X, though.

-Q

Hey Question!

There are weird images cropping up on the Internet. One shows Superman crying on Wonder Woman's shoulder and Batman with a scimitar (!); another shows Lex Luthor crying, on his knees in front of Darkseid's half-buried head.

What gives?

-Worried in Washington

Dear Worried,

I know the images you describe and am likewise concerned. The behavior of heroes and villains alike has been suspiciously chaotic and unpredictable. One might suspect that there is a mastermind behind these developments--and one does.

I am on the trail of something very large, the scope of which is... frightening.

Rest assured, you will read the results of my investigations here.

-Q

Dear Mr. Question,

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Poptm?

-Idly Curious

Dear Idly,

How lucky for you that I find you entertaining... for now.

Piece of advice: stop antagonizing your Xbox Live opponents with contemptuous "boo-yahs" when you score a kill in HALO 3. I've provided two of them--ones who have a particular enthusiasm for paintball and "happy slap" greetings--with your address and daily itinerary.

I imagine your life will be far from "idle" very soon...

-Q

Question,

What do I do if I think there are supervillains setting up shop in my neighborhood? There's a storefront that's only open after midnight, closing before sunrise, and attracting a very unsavory crowd.

-Unsettled in Coast City

Dear Unsettled,

Your vigilance is rewarded. This is indeed a problematic situation. It appears Intergang has established a night-hours-only weapons store for lowlifes in your fair city.

I have alerted Green Lantern and other West Coast-based heroes but, given their own professional emergencies, it may be some time before they can attend this matter. If possible, maintain a discreet surveillance but do not endanger yourself with direct observation. Take notes--an eyewitness account will be important at trial. And be prepared to be relocated under another identity.

Congratulations, citizen. You have been drafted into the war on crime.

-Q

That's all we have time for this week. Got a problem you need solved? ASK THE QUESTION!

And don't forget, there's a brand-new collection of The Question's cases on bookshelves now-- ask for it at your local store!

See you next time!

Question artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Ask the Question!

You asked for it, you got it! Time for everyone's favorite faceless investigator to answer your queries. Let's open the mailbag and go to... The Question!

Thank you, Mr. Sage.

In further questioning, are any major superheroes really Skrulls, and, if so, can can this best be manipulated to the advantage of all mankind?

A less concerned citizen.

Dear Less Concerned-

Read the current issue of JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED. Skrulls and Dire Wraiths are not the only threat lurking among us. I dealt with a Durlan incursion just recently.

As for whether any major superheroes or villains are truly Skrulls... keep a careful eye on former Avengers and members of the Detroit-era Justice League. BPD will report any known infiltrations as well--see a recent article on the Skull Kill Krew for more.

Can this be manipulated to mankind's advantage? Definitely. There are six ways to take immediate advantage of an alien presence on our planet; however, only two of them are beneficial to mankind in general. The other four benefit the Illuminati and their myriad puppets; I leave it to you to determine who these vermin might be.

Be watchful, citizen... and turn off your light when you go to sleep. It's interfering with my listening device.

-Q

Hmm...I always thought the Latin was "Quis custodiet ipsos custodes." Perhaps a plot to retroactively alter Latin into a bastardized form and thus rob the modern world of its power. Obvious, in hindsight
The Inquiry

You are correct, that is the actual Latin quote. Mr. 9 is deliberately being sloppy. Consider the ramifications of imperfect Latin translations--law and medicine are built upon foundations of Latin terminology. If the infection is allowed to spread, the memetic framework of our civilization is in danger. Mr. 9 knows this; in fact, he is counting on it.

Kudos to you, Inquiry, for keeping all of us on the right course. And your theory is intriguing. Suggest you follow up with investigation of proximate Illuminati cells nearest your location. You know the ones I mean. ( I sense an Illuminati theme this week. Must remember to investigate.)

-Q

Dear Question,

On my latest algebra test, I had to solve A^2 + 8 = 12. Inspired by you, my answer was "A is A!" My teacher sent me to the principal's office. How do I convince them?

Thanks,

Algebrainless

Dear Algebrainless,

Some truths are simply too powerful for lesser minds to comprehend. You have achieved enlightenment--your burden is that others have not achieved this exalted state. Your path is to bring others to your level.

Getting a C in Algebra may be the stone in your shoe along this path.

Give them the answer they want, for now. Learn their answers so you can parrot them back when you need to do so. This will help develop your ability to distinguish between appearance and reality. When you have mastered their mundane world-view, you will be ready to seek the answers that really matter.

Which is when life becomes truly interesting.
-Q

And that's all the time we have this week. Have a question for The Question? Comment below! You'll definitely get an answer of some kind...

Question artwork copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved

Ask the Question!

It's time once again for your second- or third-favorite column here on BPD: Ask the Question! As always, our intrepid vigilante will take on your case--er, query--and respond in his own highly disturbing fashion. So let's open the mailbag one more time!

Dear Mr. Sage?

I have recently noticed that people are acting odd in my neighborhood.

Are they Skrulls, or possibly Dire Wraiths?

If so, is it legal to kill them and display their skulls above my mantle as a warning to the others?


-A concerned citizen

Dear Concerned,

Odd behavior is not proof. Do what I do: investigate. Start with their trash. Are they eating microwave dinners and lots of take-out food? If so, they are probably just ordinary Americans. Skrulls and Dire Wraiths tend to have more exotic dietary habits--some of which cannot be described except in the most graphic of terms. A key indicator is whether you or your neighbors are suddenly missing pets.

After this initial step... well, I won't divulge all my methods, but you can probably figure out where to go from there.

As for taking direct action yourself, there is considerable danger in doing so. If you're caught, you go into the system, where you're at their mercy. Better to turn over your findings to me. I've sent an anonymous postcard with information to an address you'll be certain to check. Displaying their skulls is an interesting idea... though worrisome if you don't first disengage the Dire Wraith from its human host.

Lastly--no, your neighbors aren't Skrulls or Dire Wraiths or even garden-variety cultists. It's worse. They're roleplaying gamers.

-Q

Dear Question,

My local comic shop keeps trying to force me to read something called "that awesome Scott Pilgrim book"What are they trying to brainwash me with?

-Gyuss Baaltar

Gyuss,

You are quite perceptive, and it's obvious in hindsight. Scott Pilgrim is indeed a vehicle for Canadian mind control, slipping subliminal messages into your Z-cortex via randomized fractal placement of meme-junk. It's sophisticated posthypnotic suggestion, to the point of rewriting your "psychetecture." The dominant messages are "eat more Canadian bacon" and "polar bears are your friends."

I won't bore you with the other messages, but most of them involve tourism and the benefits of living in extreme cold climates. (The underlying assumption is that northern Canada wants visitors, perhaps for nefarious purposes of their own. I have not yet discounted involvement by the Great Beasts.)

The entertainment value of the book is considerable, however, so the potential risk of id-contamination via Canadian brainhacking may be worth it. Proceed at your own risk. I, of course, will be keeping a careful eye on this book.

If you start to wear a tuke and parka (even in summer), watch "Kids in the Hall" marathons and end your sentences with "ey?" I may have to take immediate and drastic action.

-Q

Dear Question,
Qui custode custodiets? (Who watches the Watchmen?)
-Interlocutor X

Dear I.X. (aka Mr 9),
I do.
-Q
PS, very clever with the invisotext... and the unorthodox means of leaving this query. You've gotten my attention.

Hey Question,

What's the story with you and Huntress? Or should I ask Big Mike instead?

-Curious

Dear Curious,

Curiosity killed the cat.

However, I'm feeling particularly generous with information today. Huntress is fine and as for our relationship... this website might offer some interesting lines of thought. I will say that certain aspects of our relationship are not as distorted as Hollywood representations tend to be.

Your prurient fascination with the romantic lives of others has been noted. By the way, you're out of peanut butter and the light in your hallway needs to be replaced.

-Q

And that's all the time we have today. Join us again for our next installment of "Ask the Question!"

Question artwork is copyright DC Comics, all rights reserved