Morticoccus Inoculations Discontinued

WASHINGTON DC (EARTH 51) - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have determined that continuing the morticoccus inoculation program (announced three weeks ago in BPD) would be "a waste of time."

Health Secretary G. Rimreeper said, in a press conference today, "We thought that an aggressive inoculation program would contain this 31st century sentient virus, but apparently we were wrong. Truth is, our best efforts are useless. However, we prefer to look on the bright side. Despite its name, morticoccus has not proven to be exceptionally lethal--only an estimated two out of five victims actually perish. The others may end up transformed through hybridization with animal DNA, but at least they're not dead!"

Taking in a press corps that had mostly turned into vultures, the sheep-like Rimreeper did not finish more than his opening statement before fleeing for his life. (Unsuccessfully.)

Rumors that an uncontaminated youth and his grandfather have taken refuge in a military bunker remain unconfirmed at press time. Additional rumors that Green Lantern fled Earth "like a little bee-yotch" (per extradimensional troublemaker Red Robin) are also unconfirmed-- some witnesses assert that he went into deep space to find a cure from more advanced alien sciences. The bad news: if Green Lantern was exposed to morticoccus, it is possible that many hundreds or thousands of alien worlds are now suffering exposure. Way to go, you idiot.

The pathetic remnants of civilization around the globe would like to thank the Challengers from Beyond for exposing us to this "smart bug" and wiping us out. We really didn't think the challenges of continued existence were for us anyway. But as a way to say goodbye, we're seeing if we can't get a cross-dimensional portal up and running-- we'd be happy to share our viral good fortune with lots and lots of other Earths. Preliminary work indicates a zombie world nearby...

Wolfe, Lupin and Ormgud - Aftermath Cleaners Incorporated

BREAKING NEWS - BPD has unearthed a troubling conspiracy to conceal the aftermath of superhero battles.

The question was first hinted at by meta-journalist Garth Ennis in his scathing documentary The Boys, an expose of the seamier side of 'herodom' and poser of the question: After a major superhero dust-up, why are there no casualties?

Oh sure, one of the Hulks (he or She-) might lose it and bring down a town. Or there'll be some Crisis or War or criss-Crossover with a high fatality rate, but news of these tragedies always seems a means to an end. Pathos to underscore a larger point. Ennis, however, explored a more personal affect asking what would happen if your girlfriend had a head-on collision with a high-speed superhero whose only focus was saving the day? Roadkill is the kindest answer to that question. And who would clean up the mess? Wolfe Lupin and Ormgud - Aftermath Cleaners Incorporated.

Not to be confused with Damage Control, W.L.O Inc handles the more distasteful clean-up jobs that are an unavoidable result of calling in the big guns. Better yet, they make sure no one remembers a thing.

"You want the truth, do ye? Well, I'll tell ye—carnage," said Riley 'The Wolf' Wolfe. "It's awful but it's a gud days work, y'ken? We write tall tales fer families an' friends, dole out werege- uh, hush monies to survivors an' rewrite memories. Lupin, being a Nightmare, hunts and eats the more resolute memories. After that, it's down t'the zombies, but that be Ormgud's portion."

Morte Ormgud explained how the zombies work "Well, you've got all these pieces, you see, and you must be rid of them. No point leaving them in the deep freeze for authorities to discover, now is there? So the best thing is to feed them to zombies. You got to starve the zombies for a few days... then they'll go through bone like butter—so you must be wary of any Universe who keeps zombies on hand. They'll go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means a single zombie can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, 'greedy as a zombie'." [citation]

NOTE: Although we have no proof BPD suspects Mr. Ormgud's zombies have been running amok through multiple universes. Indeed, the agency's usage of time-space-dimensional skiffs and the 'misplacing' of hundreds of zombies seems to bear out our theory. [see Walking Dead, Marvel Zombies and Welcome to Tranquility]

The parasomnian Lupin seeks to shatter all illusions. "Yesss, yesss, it's quite reasonable to believe that after a hero slamsss through ssseveral buildings, throwsss a car and collapsesss a bridge that the bystandersss *ahem* will not only be breathing but break into a happy dance. Oh yesss," he intoned, "And after that we'll all sssay 'lookey, parachutesss like from GI Joe'."

Mr Wolfe expressed a concern that heroes would be seen as--well, less heroic. "Don't blame the heroes," he said. "Our orders come from a higher authority an' the heroes, poor buggers, have no idea. We blank 'em." He pulled out a cylindrical apparatus with a flashing light at one end to illustrate his point. "The only one we don't blank is Batman—y'kin guess why...identity crises and such—I hear he struggles with it. Aye, tha' greater good can really be a bitch."